Jerry Lewis quotes from Martin and Lewis (2002)

Jerry Lewis

You gotta do better than this for me, Abby.

Abby Greshler

I'm an agent, Jerry. I'm not the amazing Randi.

Jerry Lewis

I can kill. I know I can. I don't want anymore strip clubs, it's very hard to follow nipple tassels.

Abby Greshler

Well, you gotta start somewhere.. look, at least no one threw up on you.

Jerry Lewis

See to me, that doesn't make it a successful gig.

Abby Greshler

Yeah, well its hard to sell a record act, Jerry. You're gonna have to actually start talking on stage. Can you MC? I mean, can you talk normal long enough to introduce other acts?

Jerry Lewis

I can talk good anywhere... Except in front of people.

Abby Greshler

You're a very funny kid, Jerry. You got a lot of potential. Wanna be an MC along with your act. I think I can book you at the Havana-Madrid, very respectable place.

Jerry Lewis

People throw up there?

Abby Greshler

Only in the bathroom.

Jerry Lewis

That is respectable.

Abby Greshler

Goodbye, Jerry.

Jerry Lewis

Hey, Abby?

Abby Greshler

What?

Jerry Lewis

Try stay out of the sun.

Abby Greshler

Get the hell outta here.

Jerry Lewis

They'll hate me. Why can't I just get up on stage and be funny and then get famous and then get rich? Or the rich part first. I don't care. Is that too much to ask?

You should do it.

Jerry Lewis

But I'm scared.

Do it anyway.

Jerry Lewis

What? And take a chance on losing all this?

Come on, let's eat.

Lou Perry

Jerry, how are you doin'?

Jerry Lewis

Not so good, Mr. Perry. I'm here at Atlantic City playing the 500 Club.

Lou Perry

Oh, good for you.

Jerry Lewis

Bad for me. Bad, very bad. Uh, I think they might hurt me.

Lou Perry

C'mon, Jerry. Skinny D'Amato wouldn't hurt a fly.

Jerry Lewis

What about Irwin Woolfe?

Lou Perry

Yes, he would probably hurt you.

Jerry Lewis

Please, Mr. Perry. Remember that night at the Havana-Madrid when I was messin' around with Dean?

Lou Perry

Yeah sure, that was riot.

Jerry Lewis

Thank you. I think Dean should come down and play the club, you know. He could sing and then I could do the routine, and then we could make somethin' out of it. You know, a handsome man and a monkey, it's very funny.

Lou Perry

You uh... you wanna team up with Dean?

Jerry Lewis

Just this once for this week. I gotta come up with somethin' or their gonna fire me and then maybe kill me. I ain't crazy about dying, but I definitely can't get fired.

Lou Perry

Well you - you've got your own manager, right? Greshler? Why isn't he making this call?

Jerry Lewis

Because he can't beg as good as I can. Please, Mr. Perry. I love Dean. I know he likes me too. I need this. I really need this.

Well, we're all friends here, so lets speak frankly. Jerry, your not an actor.

Jerry Lewis

I can do better.

I worked with him as much as I could, Hal. We shot nine tests. He just doesn't have it.

Jerry Lewis

Fellas, I'm here in the room with you.

Jerry, don't take this personally.

Jerry Lewis

How?

Jerry, this shows been on the radio for years. It has millions of fans. If someone who's not right plays Al, the audience will kill us.

Jerry Lewis

What about Dean?

Dean's great. He's very natural, he'll be perfect as Steve.

Here's what Hal is thinking. We're gonna write a part just for you. We'll call him Seymour, a really wacky sidekick to Dean. You can just be yourself and have fun. It'll be perfect.

Jerry Lewis

You listen to me, Mr. Wallis. Jerry Lewis plays Al like it says in my contract.

You listen to me, Jerry Lewis. I don't give a damn what it says in your contract. You're not right for Al, you're not playing Al. That's it, that's all.

Jerry Lewis

I'm not playing Seymour. I'm playing Al. I can do it.

You don't wanna play Seymour, Jerry. I'll tell you what, you sit this picture out. We'll go for Dean to play Steve, we'll get a real actor to play Al, and you? Well, you can go back to New York.

Jerry Lewis

You can't do that! Dean and I are partners, we're a team. I don't like you, Hal Wallis.

Ahh, now you went and hurt my feelings. Abby, calm your client down.

Abby Greshler

Jerry, Dean is not exclusive to you. There's nothing stopping Hal from offering him a picture outside the seven pictures as a team.

Listen, I got a dozen other cry babies in this lot I gotta take care of, so what's it gonna be?

Jerry Lewis

Alright, you win this time, Mr. Wallis. [walks away]

Hey, kid. The money always wins.

Jerry Lewis

Don't forget, we got dinner with Dean and Jeanne on Friday.

Speaking of something I don't wanna do.

Jerry Lewis

Well, get over it, cause we're going. We never do anything with them anymore.

I'm still friends with Betty. Do you have any idea how awkward this is?

Jerry Lewis

I don't care. Dean's my best friend.

Dean is nobody's best friend, Jerry!

Jerry Lewis

Who stayed with me all night at the hospital, huh? My father? Lew Wasserman? No, Dean did. You don't understand these things.

I understand better than you do. He's not gonna give you what you want. He can't. When are you gonna see that?

Jerry Lewis

Alright, just stay out of it.

The invitation's never gonna come...

Jerry Lewis

Alright, that's enough! You will go to dinner with us! Dean is my friend and you will go!

Jerry Lewis

And now...and now ladies and gentlemen, for your extreme listening pleasure, Mr. Dean Martin.
[Dean comes up on stage and sings "My Own, My Only, My All"]

Dean Martin

Would you mind if I go back up on stage now?

Jerry Lewis

I don't, but they mind.

Dean Martin

Get outta here!

Jerry Lewis

We killed them, didn't we?

Dean Martin

Oh yeah, kid. We killed them alright.

Jerry Lewis

Didn't you feel it? I felt it. It was like a...like a jolt, like a lightning bolt. I didn't know what was gonna happen next, and I loved it.

Dean Martin

You'd rather talk to Angelo about the dishes.

Jerry Lewis

Hey if Angelo was smart, he'd put us together, don't you think?

Dean Martin

I'm a solo act.

Jerry Lewis

Well me too, but maybe you know, together we could....

Dean Martin

I mean, I go solo.

Jerry Lewis

It's never happened to me before.

Dean Martin

Me neither.

Jerry Lewis

I want it to happen again.

Dean Martin

Me too.

Dean Martin

Did you take a bath this morning?

Jerry Lewis

Oh why, is there one missing?

Dean Martin

How come you make so many mistakes?

Jerry Lewis

I got up early.

Dean Martin

Ahh, get outta here!

Dean Martin

This is gonna be my den. My old man used to say he was gonna have a den someday. Sit down, put his feet up, read the papers. Nobody can bother him. Couldn’t do enough haircuts in a day to get one, I guess. [short pause] What's the matter with you, pallie? You should be on top of the world.

Jerry Lewis

Sure. Sure, I am. I'm happy.

Dean Martin

Well notify your face, cause you sure don't look it.

Jerry Lewis

You know what? All the great reviews, all the money, all the laughs and all I keep thinking about is my old man. "The crowd liked it."

Dean Martin

Don't let it get to you.

Jerry Lewis

My whole life, I always felt like my old man was looking the other way, like he didn't even know I was there. He taught me so much and he doesn't even know it. All those years in Vaudeville and Borscht Belt, he just kept coming up empty. Now me only after a couple years: boom! You know?

Dean Martin

Don't feel guilty about it.

Jerry Lewis

Don't take away my guilt. What would I do with all that free time?

Dean Martin

You think too much. All pretty easy if you make it that way.

Jerry Lewis

Hey, you're always listening to Jerry Lewis sob stories. I hope you know, I'm always there for you too, Dean. You can always turn to me, tell me anything.

Dean Martin

Yeah... Yeah, thanks, Jer...

Jerry Lewis

Hey, did you read the script?

Dean Martin

Ahh, what script?

Jerry Lewis

"What script?" Unbelievable.

Dean Martin

Oh, come on.

Jerry Lewis

Well, I've read it. It's very funny, Dean. I want this deal. I want this part.

Dean Martin

If you wear that on your sleeve, you're dead. My mother always told me "never let anyone know who you are".

Jerry Lewis

Well, she must be very proud of you boy, I'll tell you that. My father had a saying too, "expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed". [driving into Paramount Pictures] You gotta learn the man's name we're in business with. He's a great producer, Hal Wallis.

Dean Martin

Hey, I say, pallie. He turns around "what do you want from me?"

Jerry Lewis

Anyway, the point is I'm cheating on my wife.

Dean Martin

Look, Jerry, please don't tell me this is what you dragged me down here for. Go see a priest or a rabbi.

Jerry Lewis

I woke up and I couldn't remember who I was with. What am I doing?

Dean Martin

Look, you love Patti, right?

Jerry Lewis

Right.

Dean Martin

And she loves you, right?

Jerry Lewis

Right.

Dean Martin

So what's the problem?

Jerry Lewis

It's wrong.

Dean Martin

Wrong? For who? For you?

Jerry Lewis

Don't you think it's wrong?

Dean Martin

Jerry, all I know is what's right for me. I don't apologise and I don't explain.

Jerry Lewis

My whole life I'm such a nebbish. Patti was the first person to look my way. And now, there are girls all over the place, and all I know is they want me and that's enough. I can't resist that.

Dean Martin

Jerry, your gonna be ninety years old one day, and your gonna look back on this conversation and say "what a schmuck I was to worry about this stuff".

Jerry Lewis

Why is it so easy for you?

Dean Martin

I don't know, maybe there's just something about women somebody owe her, especially someone you're not supposed to. What's she gonna feel like, how she looks like under those clothes.

Dean Martin

Hey, how are you? Hey, kids.

Jerry Lewis

Hello, hello. Here we are.

Dean Martin

Happy to see us?

Jerry Lewis

Oh, look how they're screaming and yelling.

Dean Martin

Hey, you want to tone it down a little?

Jerry Lewis

Oh, holy jeez.

Dean Martin

Looks like a midget Nuremberg trial.

Jerry Lewis

Nice of you to show up.

Dean Martin

Not that you would've missed me.

Jerry Lewis

Well, Dean, here we are at the famous Paramount Theatre in New York.

Dean Martin

Oh, is that where we are?

Jerry Lewis

That's where we are. Where else would we be?

Dean Martin

Well, I don't know, I just woke up. Was wondering what all these people were doing in my bedroom.

Jerry Lewis

Anyway, Mr. Dean Martin whose talent is exceeded only by his alimony, will now sing for you. [puts on a joke face] He wanted me to pay half, but I had none of the fun.

Dean Martin

Funny little bastard, isn't he?

Jerry Lewis

You know, I hate to be alone.

Dean Martin

Yeah.

Jerry Lewis

Hey, Dean, remember that time in Chicago? Maybe it was Philly. Somewhere there was a bar or somewhere. You were laughing about something, and you threw your arm around my shoulder, and you kept it there while I took a drink, and everybody was looking at us and it was then, that I knew, this is what it must be like to have a brother. I'll never forget that feeling. That's the beautiful thing about show business, Dean. The thing I love the most. Never to be lonely again. Right, Dean?

Dean Martin

Right, Jerry.

Jerry Lewis

It's very nice of you to sit here with me.

Dean Martin

Well, I'm not here, Jerry. You're dreaming. I'm sitting at the bar at the Copa, checking out the joint, smelling the perfume. Wondering whose gonna make the trip home with me tonight. Not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking about yesterday, not thinking about you.

Jerry Lewis

You're such a tough guy. I know you feel it too. I know you do.

Jerry Lewis

I got you now! I got you now! You're all mine! Oh, ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! All mine, all mine! All mine! [pulling Dean's hair]

Dean Martin

Oh, you're overacting, Jerry...

Jerry Lewis

All mine! Oh, ho! Sing now, mister singer! Sing now!

Dean Martin

It's over!

Jerry Lewis

Sing now!

Dean Martin

It's over!

Jerry Lewis

We have the one thing that no other team has.

Dean Martin

Yeah, Jerry, what's that?

Jerry Lewis

It's the love we have for each other.

Dean Martin

You know you can talk about love all you want, to me you're nothing but a dollar sign. I am done, pallie. We're finished.

Jerry Lewis

Hey, who let Jackie Gleason in here?

Dean Martin

Is Jackie in here? Hey, Jackie, how are you?

Jerry Lewis

Everybody protect your food!

Jerry Lewis

Who needs a drink next to that? I'm drunk already. Alright ladies and gentlemen, the Italian street singer is getting old.

Dean Martin

Ahh, what is this?

Jerry Lewis

Mr. singer man, go get 'em.

Dean Martin

Good show, huh?

Jerry Lewis

Best one yet.

Dean Martin

Thanks for a great ride...

Jerry Lewis

...Love you.

Dean Martin

Love you back...
[Dean leaves]