Lou Perry
You're getting hot, pal. I got a good feeling. Maybe now you can actually afford those clothes you buy? Get your own place? Not that I don't love having you stay at my place. Stay as long as you like.
Dean Martin
You've been good to me, Lou. And a real good friend. I won't forget that.
Lou Perry
Don't go soft on me, pallie.
Dean Martin
Okay, pallie.
How much longer can we do this? This is a disgrace, Dean.
Dean Martin
It's a good thing. It's a clean slate.
You have two kids and maybe you noticed a third on the way. Going bankrupt is a good thing?
Dean Martin
Things will turn around.
Why don't you come back to Philly? Get a job with my father? Be a regular person?
Dean Martin
Betty, I'm not gonna do what you, or what anybody else wants me to do, you understand that?
You just don't care, do you?
Have you always been a singer?
Dean Martin
Sure. Except for the time I was working in a steel mill, and the time I was a boxer, and the time I was a stickman in a casino.
All this and Steubenville?
Dean Martin
They called it Little Chicago.
I just wish they could see what I see.
Dean Martin
I want you to stay here, in LA. My band leader has a guest house.
What's gonna change?
Dean Martin
You know how it is. What it is.
I do now, although it would have been nice of you to let me know you were married when you first took me out.
Dean Martin
Don't you read the gossip columns?
I wouldn't let you be alone, you know that. Aren't you tired of being alone?
Dean Martin
It's complicated.
No, it's simple. You need somebody who's always gonna be there. Who knows the truth and is never gonna lie to you. I'm just like you, Dean. I don't care about anything in this world except what's in front of me, and that's you. You've never been loved that way before, I know it. [pause] What do you want, Dean? What do you want to happen here?
Dean Martin
The key will be under the mat.
[kisses her]
Dean?
Dean Martin
Yeah. [noticing the strap on his shoulder] Is that Jerry's?
Yeah, well he only got the one though. Listen, I'm sorry about what happened back there.
Dean Martin
Not your fault.
How do you put up with it?
Dean Martin
Hey, it doesn't bother me. I get paid the same whether I'm funny or whether the boy's funny.
Yeah, but I mean the stomach aches. I've never seen anyone so desperate for attention. We all think it stinks.
Yeah, I'd love to have a drink with you some night or maybe dinner? I'd like to get to know you more so I can tell the writers how to work for you better.
Dean Martin
Nobody gets to know me better. Not even my wife.
[walks away]
"For all it's madness, there is method in the Lewis artistry". Oh, and here's the important part, [continues reading] "Mr. Martin is a competent straight man". [throws the newspaper] The Lewis artistry?
Dean Martin
The boy is talented.
Why doesn't anybody see that you're the spine of the act? Jerry would be nothing without you. I'll tell you one thing, there's not a woman in the world who would watch if you weren't there.
Dean Martin
Yeah, how many ten-year old kids would be watching me if Jerry wasn't there?
I'm glad you think this is funny! How can you let him take over!? He rolls right over you!
Dean Martin
Hey, do me a favour, don't tell me my business, okay? He wants to be a mogul, he wants to be an artist. What do I care? I'm happy the way things are.
No, you’re not!
Dean Martin
Now you’re gonna tell me how I feel too!? Great! Let me know when I'm hungry! Now get something to eat! [sits back down]
He's holding you back! You could be the next Sinatra!
Dean Martin
I can't hear the television if you go on talking!
You know something, Dean? When we met, I told you there was something missing! I finally figured out what it is! You! You're missing there's just no one there!
Dean Martin
How come I sing less songs than usual?
Jerry wanted to sing in this one.
Dean Martin
What?
He wanted a song. We gave him a song. No big deal.
Dean Martin
No, you listen to me. [angrily] Maybe you didn't notice, but I just had a hit record. Now I made offers to do movies without Jerry. MGM, they want me to do Ten Thousand Bedrooms, and you - you wanna - you wanna waste me? Doing crap like this?!
You listen to me. You can do Ten Thousand Bathrooms for MGM for all I care! All I know is you're doing 3 Ring Circus for me. What the hell are you so worried about anyway, huh? People come to see Jerry roll around the floor and you, don't wink and sing. Since when do you care about the script?
Dean Martin
Would you mind if I go back up on stage now?
Jerry Lewis
I don't, but they mind.
Dean Martin
Get outta here!
Dean Martin
Okay folks, for my next number, I'm gonna sing the same song again. I'm gonna keep on singing it, till I get it right.
[sings]
Jerry Lewis
We killed them, didn't we?
Dean Martin
Oh yeah, kid. We killed them alright.
Jerry Lewis
Didn't you feel it? I felt it. It was like a...like a jolt, like a lightning bolt. I didn't know what was gonna happen next, and I loved it.
Dean Martin
You'd rather talk to Angelo about the dishes.
Jerry Lewis
Hey if Angelo was smart, he'd put us together, don't you think?
Dean Martin
I'm a solo act.
Jerry Lewis
Well me too, but maybe you know, together we could....
Dean Martin
I mean, I go solo.
Jerry Lewis
It's never happened to me before.
Dean Martin
Me neither.
Jerry Lewis
I want it to happen again.
Dean Martin
Me too.
Dean Martin
Did you take a bath this morning?
Jerry Lewis
Oh why, is there one missing?
Dean Martin
How come you make so many mistakes?
Jerry Lewis
I got up early.
Dean Martin
Ahh, get outta here!
Dean Martin
What the hell am I singing anyway? Everybody's drunk!
[begins singing "Oh Marie"]
Dean Martin
This is gonna be my den. My old man used to say he was gonna have a den someday. Sit down, put his feet up, read the papers. Nobody can bother him. Couldn’t do enough haircuts in a day to get one, I guess. [short pause] What's the matter with you, pallie? You should be on top of the world.
Jerry Lewis
Sure. Sure, I am. I'm happy.
Dean Martin
Well notify your face, cause you sure don't look it.
Jerry Lewis
You know what? All the great reviews, all the money, all the laughs and all I keep thinking about is my old man. "The crowd liked it."
Dean Martin
Don't let it get to you.
Jerry Lewis
My whole life, I always felt like my old man was looking the other way, like he didn't even know I was there. He taught me so much and he doesn't even know it. All those years in Vaudeville and Borscht Belt, he just kept coming up empty. Now me only after a couple years: boom! You know?
Dean Martin
Don't feel guilty about it.
Jerry Lewis
Don't take away my guilt. What would I do with all that free time?
Dean Martin
You think too much. All pretty easy if you make it that way.
Jerry Lewis
Hey, you're always listening to Jerry Lewis sob stories. I hope you know, I'm always there for you too, Dean. You can always turn to me, tell me anything.
Dean Martin
Yeah... Yeah, thanks, Jer...
Jerry Lewis
Hey, did you read the script?
Dean Martin
Ahh, what script?
Jerry Lewis
"What script?" Unbelievable.
Dean Martin
Oh, come on.
Jerry Lewis
Well, I've read it. It's very funny, Dean. I want this deal. I want this part.
Dean Martin
If you wear that on your sleeve, you're dead. My mother always told me "never let anyone know who you are".
Jerry Lewis
Well, she must be very proud of you boy, I'll tell you that. My father had a saying too, "expect the worst and you'll never be disappointed". [driving into Paramount Pictures] You gotta learn the man's name we're in business with. He's a great producer, Hal Wallis.
Dean Martin
Hey, I say, pallie. He turns around "what do you want from me?"
Jerry Lewis
Anyway, the point is I'm cheating on my wife.
Dean Martin
Look, Jerry, please don't tell me this is what you dragged me down here for. Go see a priest or a rabbi.
Jerry Lewis
I woke up and I couldn't remember who I was with. What am I doing?
Dean Martin
Look, you love Patti, right?
Jerry Lewis
Right.
Dean Martin
And she loves you, right?
Jerry Lewis
Right.
Dean Martin
So what's the problem?
Jerry Lewis
It's wrong.
Dean Martin
Wrong? For who? For you?
Jerry Lewis
Don't you think it's wrong?
Dean Martin
Jerry, all I know is what's right for me. I don't apologise and I don't explain.
Jerry Lewis
My whole life I'm such a nebbish. Patti was the first person to look my way. And now, there are girls all over the place, and all I know is they want me and that's enough. I can't resist that.
Dean Martin
Jerry, your gonna be ninety years old one day, and your gonna look back on this conversation and say "what a schmuck I was to worry about this stuff".
Jerry Lewis
Why is it so easy for you?
Dean Martin
I don't know, maybe there's just something about women somebody owe her, especially someone you're not supposed to. What's she gonna feel like, how she looks like under those clothes.
Dean Martin
Hey, how are you? Hey, kids.
Jerry Lewis
Hello, hello. Here we are.
Dean Martin
Happy to see us?
Jerry Lewis
Oh, look how they're screaming and yelling.
Dean Martin
Hey, you want to tone it down a little?
Jerry Lewis
Oh, holy jeez.
Dean Martin
Looks like a midget Nuremberg trial.
Jerry Lewis
Nice of you to show up.
Dean Martin
Not that you would've missed me.
Jerry Lewis
Well, Dean, here we are at the famous Paramount Theatre in New York.
Dean Martin
Oh, is that where we are?
Jerry Lewis
That's where we are. Where else would we be?
Dean Martin
Well, I don't know, I just woke up. Was wondering what all these people were doing in my bedroom.
Jerry Lewis
Anyway, Mr. Dean Martin whose talent is exceeded only by his alimony, will now sing for you. [puts on a joke face] He wanted me to pay half, but I had none of the fun.
Dean Martin
Funny little bastard, isn't he?
Jerry Lewis
You know, I hate to be alone.
Dean Martin
Yeah.
Jerry Lewis
Hey, Dean, remember that time in Chicago? Maybe it was Philly. Somewhere there was a bar or somewhere. You were laughing about something, and you threw your arm around my shoulder, and you kept it there while I took a drink, and everybody was looking at us and it was then, that I knew, this is what it must be like to have a brother. I'll never forget that feeling. That's the beautiful thing about show business, Dean. The thing I love the most. Never to be lonely again. Right, Dean?
Dean Martin
Right, Jerry.
Jerry Lewis
It's very nice of you to sit here with me.
Dean Martin
Well, I'm not here, Jerry. You're dreaming. I'm sitting at the bar at the Copa, checking out the joint, smelling the perfume. Wondering whose gonna make the trip home with me tonight. Not thinking about tomorrow, not thinking about yesterday, not thinking about you.
Jerry Lewis
You're such a tough guy. I know you feel it too. I know you do.
Jerry Lewis
I got you now! I got you now! You're all mine! Oh, ho ho ho! Ho ho ho! All mine, all mine! All mine! [pulling Dean's hair]
Dean Martin
Oh, you're overacting, Jerry...
Jerry Lewis
All mine! Oh, ho! Sing now, mister singer! Sing now!
Dean Martin
It's over!
Jerry Lewis
Sing now!
Dean Martin
It's over!
Jerry Lewis
We have the one thing that no other team has.
Dean Martin
Yeah, Jerry, what's that?
Jerry Lewis
It's the love we have for each other.
Dean Martin
You know you can talk about love all you want, to me you're nothing but a dollar sign. I am done, pallie. We're finished.
Jerry Lewis
Hey, who let Jackie Gleason in here?
Dean Martin
Is Jackie in here? Hey, Jackie, how are you?
Jerry Lewis
Everybody protect your food!
Jerry Lewis
Who needs a drink next to that? I'm drunk already. Alright ladies and gentlemen, the Italian street singer is getting old.
Dean Martin
Ahh, what is this?
Jerry Lewis
Mr. singer man, go get 'em.
Dean Martin
Good show, huh?
Jerry Lewis
Best one yet.
Dean Martin
Thanks for a great ride...
Jerry Lewis
...Love you.
Dean Martin
Love you back...
[Dean leaves]
