Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
Joan Walden
What do you mean you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave; they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02]
Mr. Hank Humberfloob
Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and ran away to their seats] Look alive, everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired.
I beg your pardon?
Mr. Humberfloob
Fired.
But I...
Mr. Humberfloob
FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of hand sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
Joan
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Mr. Humberfloob
Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture of Conrad and Sally] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause, he screams again in a very loud-toned voice] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]
Joan
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
Mr. Humberfloob
Great! [Joan leaves]
Humberfloob Real Estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
Narrator
If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborhood "Hey!".
Hey!
Hey!
Narrator
Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
[The camera smoothly glides forward, executing a tight zoom into the small circular door hole. The perspective shifts to reveal the sunlit interior of the living room and the upstairs, where a fluffy brown dog named Nevins is near the staircase, letting out sharp, rhythmic barks. Heavy, thumping footsteps echo from above as Conrad slowly descends the carpeted stairs, his bare, distinctly hairy black feet stepping down one by one into the frame while Nevins continues barking with high-energy intensity]
Conrad
Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
Sally
Today's to-do list: Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [In the background, Conrad stomps casually past the doorway toward the kitchen counters with an air of chaotic purpose] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [A loud clatter rings out as Conrad violently flips over a pair of glass bowls, dumping crisp green apples and stray food bits directly onto the counter top] What is he doing?
[The camera cuts to a chaotic montage inside the kitchen: Conrad sweeps his arm across the counter, knocking over a baked tray loaded with neat, flower-shaped cookies; he yanks out an entire wooden drawer, rummaging frantically through the clutter to locate a roll of clear tape while Nevins sits near the pantry, dropping his head and groaning softly; Conrad then yanks open the refrigerator door, snatches a cold bag of popcorn, and grabs a steaming hot bag right out of the glowing microwave]
Sally
Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
Conrad
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins lets out a sudden, high-pitched bark at the bottom of the landing] Nevins, your attention, please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
Sally
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Conrad
Relax, I'll put everything back. [He aggressively shoves two entire bags of bread directly into the waistband of his pants while Nevins turns and sprints away toward the front entry; he takes a massive, ungraceful bite of bread, talking loudly with his mouth completely stuffed] and now for the indoor stair luge!
Sally
"Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Conrad
Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [He balances precariously atop a slick metal tray right at the edge of the top step as Nevins whines softly and flops her ears flat over her eyes; Conrad launches himself downward, screaming enthusiastically as the tray rattles at high speed down the wooden steps; outside, Joan pulls up into the driveway carrying a pristine dry-cleaned dress and bags of fresh groceries, letting out a horrified scream as Conrad burst through the front door at top speed like a human cannonball] YEAH! [The tray flies off the porch, sending Conrad crashing forcefully right into the side door of Joan's parked car]
Sally
Nevins? Nevins, come back!
Conrad
Hey, Mom, what's up?
