W Woman
[inside Humberfloob's Real estate, a guy is shown moving the sanitizer boxes]
Humberfloob Real Estate, how can we make your dreams come true?
[people are chattering, Joan is talking on the phone.]
What do you mean you're leaving? You're a babysitter. Babysitters don't leave; they sit. Baby leavers leave. I'll just have to come home right away. All right, thank you, Amy. [hangs up, We see a picture of Joan's kids, the clock turns 9:02]
Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff Meeting! Staff Meeting! [everyone washed their hands and ran away to their seats] Look alive, everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard the newest member of the Humberfloob Family, Jim McFlinnigan!
JM Jim McFlinnigan
[a businessman shakes Humberfloob's hands, leaving everyone in shock]
Mr. Humberfloob, I just wanted to thank you...
JM Jim McFlinnigan
I beg your pardon?
JM Jim McFlinnigan
But I...
[he screams in a very loud voice]
FIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [as Mr. Humberfloob was saying the above line, Jim McFlinnigan runs away crying, he uses ten squirts of hand sanitizer] 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. [rubs and blows his hands] As you know, tonight's our bimonthly meet and greet party, Tonight's host is... Joan Walden. This is where people can meet our real estate agents in a informal, yet hygienic setting.
Mr. Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.
Ah yes, your children. [looks at the picture of Conrad and Sally] Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is messy as last time... [pause, he screams again in a very loud-toned voice] YOU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIIREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED-DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!!!!!!! [everyone gasps]
That's pretty clear, Mr. Humberfloob. Don't worry, I promise my kids will be on their best behavior.
W Woman
Humberfloob Real Estate, How can we make your dreams come true? Please hold.
Narrator [Camera zooms onto the picture of Joan's kids and we see an aerial shot of the street]
If you leave Humberfloob's and turn into main, three miles down, you'll find Lipplapper Lane, a pleasant-enough street in a pleasant-enough way where a neighbor greeted neighbor with a neighborhood "Hey!".
Narrator Here the hedges were hedged, the weeds were all weeded, and lawns were mowed daily, twice daily if needed. And at the end of the street in a house like any other, something magical will happen to a sister and a brother.
[The camera smoothly glides forward, executing a tight zoom into the small circular door hole. The perspective shifts to reveal the sunlit interior of the living room and the upstairs, where a fluffy brown dog named Nevins is near the staircase, letting out sharp, rhythmic barks. Heavy, thumping footsteps echo from above as Conrad slowly descends the carpeted stairs, his bare, distinctly hairy black feet stepping down one by one into the frame while Nevins continues barking with high-energy intensity]
Shhhh! Nevins, stealth mode!
[The camera cuts to a crisp wide shot of the pristine living room moments later, tracking over to Sally, who meticulously tapping away on her digital tap pad with a focused, deadpan expression]
Today's to-do list: Number 1, Make to-do list. Number 2, practice coloring. Number 3, research graduate schools. Number 4, be spontaneous. [In the background, Conrad stomps casually past the doorway toward the kitchen counters with an air of chaotic purpose] Number 5, create lasting childhood memories. And number 6, amend will. [A loud clatter rings out as Conrad violently flips over a pair of glass bowls, dumping crisp green apples and stray food bits directly onto the counter top] What is he doing?
[The camera cuts to a chaotic montage inside the kitchen: Conrad sweeps his arm across the counter, knocking over a baked tray loaded with neat, flower-shaped cookies; he yanks out an entire wooden drawer, rummaging frantically through the clutter to locate a roll of clear tape while Nevins sits near the pantry, dropping his head and groaning softly; Conrad then yanks open the refrigerator door, snatches a cold bag of popcorn, and grabs a steaming hot bag right out of the glowing microwave]
Number 10, make tomorrow's to-do list.
[He marches grandly into the hallway and begins ascending the stairs, balancing a large glass bowl on his head with a worn teddy bear sitting on top, clutching two plastic-wrapped packs of white bread along with a six-pack of sponge cakes, while colorful pastel marshmallows are crammed over his elbows and bags of popcorn are securely strapped to both of his knees]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! [Nevins lets out a sudden, high-pitched bark at the bottom of the landing] Nevins, your attention, please! You are about to witness the third most spectacular stunt EVER PERFORMED UNDER THIS ROOF!!!!!
Do you know how hard it's getting to tell people that we're related?
Relax, I'll put everything back. [He aggressively shoves two entire bags of bread directly into the waistband of his pants while Nevins turns and sprints away toward the front entry; he takes a massive, ungraceful bite of bread, talking loudly with his mouth completely stuffed] and now for the indoor stair luge!
"Indoor stair luge"? I'll have to add this one to my list.
Go have no fun somewhere else. it... is... SHOWTIME! [He balances precariously atop a slick metal tray right at the edge of the top step as Nevins whines softly and flops her ears flat over her eyes; Conrad launches himself downward, screaming enthusiastically as the tray rattles at high speed down the wooden steps; outside, Joan pulls up into the driveway carrying a pristine dry-cleaned dress and bags of fresh groceries, letting out a horrified scream as Conrad burst through the front door at top speed like a human cannonball] YEAH! [The tray flies off the porch, sending Conrad crashing forcefully right into the side door of Joan's parked car]
[Looking past the shattered front entrance as Nevins darts frantically past her boots and out into the open front lawn]
Nevins? Nevins, come back!
[After heaving a bulky, inanimate mannequin that vaguely resembles the slumped-over form of Mrs. Kwan onto the wooden crate, the Cat dusting off his hands]
There, that oughta buy us some time. Come on, kids, let's go, go, go! [The Cat, Conrad, and Sally dash out of the frame in a frantic hurry]
[The camera cuts to a cluttered apartment where Larry grunts, unbuckling his heavy back harness and tossing it aside before sinking heavily into a squeaky wooden rocking chair. With a groaning sigh, he pops out his false teeth and plops them into a glass cup with a loud clinking sound. A sharp, heavy knock echoes at his door]
Yeah! [Two burly Repomen unceremoniously push the door open and stride into the cramped apartment] What do you want now?
RG Repo Guy
[Thrusts an official paper directly into Lawrence's face with a flat expression]
Repo.
You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. [He frantically pulls a worn leather wallet from his pocket and pulls out a plastic card] If it's about that balance check, here, let me give you a credit card. It's expired. [Without a word, the Repo crew hoists the heavy television up and marches out the door; Larry trails behind them, staring out the open entryway in utter defeat]
Narrator With the lock on his collar, Nevins kept running, unaware of his part in the evil Quinn's cunning. [Larry strides over to the landline phone, dialing furiously; the camera cuts to Joan answering in her spotless office]
Joan Walden Real Estate, be it ever so humble, there's no-
Oh, hi, Joan, the kids let the dog out again.
Don't worry, I'll go get him, then we'll have a conversation vis-a-vis military school.
I don't know, Conrad's like you, Lawrence. He's... Very sensitive.
[Sighs deeply, leaning her forehead on her palm]
But I suppose it's something I should consider.
I'll get the dog; I'll be right over. [A continuous dial tone hums as Joan hangs up the receiver; back in his apartment, Larry thoughtfully picks at his exposed belly button with a deep groan]
[The camera shifts to a sunlit suburban backyard, tracking the trio as they peer over a thick green hedge; across the lawn, Nevins trots near a small wooden doghouse where Frank the dog sits watching]
Okay, there's Nevins. Stay out of sight.
[Conrad, Sally, and the Cat duck down low against the dirt; plucked violin strings begin echoing softly in a dramatic suspense fashion, until the camera pans down to reveal the Cat vigorously plucking his own long facial whiskers like a cello]
I thought the moment needed something.
[Pops his head out of his water-filled glass jar, flailing his fins wildly in total panic]
Oh. What will become of us? Your mother will lose her job? And we'll have to... LIVE ON THE STREET! [His voice cracks as he hyperventilates] I CAN'T GO! DON'T MAKE ME GO! I DON'T KNOW THIS WORLD! IT'S [Gasping, flopping about stiffly like a dried-up fish] DRY, AND IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
[Still flailing hysterically in the open air]
IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO... IT'S TOO MUCH!
Would you like to go back in the toilet?
[Instantly stops panicking and snaps straight up]
On second thought, it was such a beautiful day. Why can't it spend time indoors?
Thank you! [The Fish dramatically gasps, squeezes his gills shut, and plunges safely back to the bottom of the glass jar]
