Wayne Campbell Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.
Played by Mike Myers 
Wayne's World (1992) · 81 quotes
Wayne's World (1992) · 81 quotes
Most-quoted character in Wayne's World (1992): in 40 of its 81 quotes
Most scenes with: Mikita's manager, Glen (20), Garth Algar (10), Cassandra (4)
Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show — and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsshyeah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.
More lines from Wayne Campbell
18 quotes Wayne Campbell Wayne Campbell I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
advising Garth about his fear of vomiting if he talks to his dream girl
Wayne Campbell I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant.Shyeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh, hold on! Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.
Wayne Campbell (ordering chinese take-out)
I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".
Wayne Campbell (admiring a 64' Pre-CBS Fender Stratocaster in a music store)
It will be mine. Oh, yes — It will be mine.
Wayne Campbell (on seeing Cassandra for the first time)
She will be mine. Oh, yes — she will be mine.
Wayne Campbell I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.
Wayne Campbell Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?
Wayne Campbell Ah yes, it's a lot like 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.
Wayne Campbell I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...
Wayne Campbell (speaking to the camera)
What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off — [camera pans away] Wait, no, come on back.. OK, things aren't as bad as they seem... I'll figure somethin' out, OK?
Wayne Campbell Zang! ("Excellent" in Cantonese)
Wayne Campbell Pardon me — do you have any Grey Poupon?
Wayne Campbell (after being told not to play "Stairway to Heaven" at the guitar store.)
No stairway? Denied!
Wayne Campbell (To scary ex-girlfriend before opening her "anniversary" gift)
If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.
Wayne Campbell (To scary ex-girlfriend after she gives him a gun rack as an "anniversary" gift)
A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?
Wayne Campbell Hey Garth — that was a haiku.
Wayne Campbell Wow, what a totally excellent discovery— NOT!
Scenes with Wayne Campbell
21 scenes
Party on, Wayne.
Wayne Campbell Party on, Garth.
Wayne Campbell Car!
Car!
car drives past
Wayne Campbell Game On!
Game On!
Wayne Campbell Uh-oh, Stacy.
Hi Wayne! Hi... rides bicycle into car
Wayne Campbell All I have to say about that is "ass-sphincter-says-what" (spoken speedily).
Noah Vanderhoff [arcade owner] What?
Wayne
A sphincter says what?
Vanderhoff What?
Wayne
Exactly.
Wayne Campbell Am I supposed to be a man, am I supposed to say it's okay, I don't mind? I don't mind. Well, I mind! I mind big-time! And you know what the worst part is? I NEVER LEARNED TO READ. (Splashing water on his face to simulate tears)
Is that true?
Wayne Campbell Yes, everything except the reading part.
Wayne Campbell So, do you... come to Milwaukee often?
Alice Cooper
Well, I'm a regular visitor here, but Milwaukee has certainly had its share of visitors. The French missionaries and explorers began visiting here in the late 16th century.
Pete
Hey, isn't "Milwaukee" an Indian name?
Alice Cooper
Yes, Pete, it is. In fact , it's pronounced "mill-e-wah-que" which is Algonquin for "the good land."
Wayne Campbell I was not aware of that.
Wayne Campbell [Wayne and Garth discuss Claudia Schiffer.]
She's a babe.
She's magically babe-a-licious.
Wayne
She tested very high on the stroke-ability scale.
...
Garth
Hey, are you done yet? I'm getting tired of holding this. (referring to Claudia's picture)
Wayne
Yeah, that's what she said.
Do you have a lawyer?
Wayne Campbell Yes. Ahm... no. We're between lawyers right now. You see, our first lawyer screwed our affairs so bad.
That's right. I walked right to that office — that's what I did — and I reached across that desk and I grabbed him by his fat head and I said "Listen, man. I'm not going to jail for YOU or for anybody!
Terry Wayne. Wayne. Garth told me about the show, man. I love you, man.
Wayne Campbell Yeah, and I love you too, Terry.
Terry No-no-no, I mean it, man. I LOVE you.
Wayne
No, I-I mean it. I love you.
Terry No you don't, man. I love you.
Wayne
(being hugged by Terry)
Garth. Hey, come over here, I think Terry has something he wants to say to you.
Terry I love you, man.
Thank you. (continues dancing)
Russel
It will be Terry's job to give the actors their hand cues.
Wayne Campbell Excuse me, Russel, but I believe I requested the hand job...
Wayne Campbell [Wayne is stopped by a traffic cop.]
Yes, officer, is there a problem?
T-1000 Have you seen this boy?
Wayne Campbell AHHHHHHHH! [floors it]
Wayne Campbell Hey, where'd you learn to speak English?
College... and the "Police Academy" movies.
Uh, Wayne?
Wayne Campbell Yeah?
Garth
Do you ever get the feeling Benjamin's not one of us?
Wayne
Good call. It's like he wants us to be liked by everyone. I mean, Led Zeppelin didn't write tunes everybody liked. They left that to the Bee Gees.
Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass when it hopped.
Wayne Campbell Interesting.
Okay, pop quiz. Cassandra is not interested in Benjamin because... A: Chicks think he's handsome, B: has cool car, C: has lots of cash, D: has no visible scars, E: does not live with parents.
Wayne Campbell Okay, how about, F: you're a gimp.
Ron Paxton [Inventor Ron Paxton demonstrates the "Suck Kut", a vacuum/haircutting device.]
As you can see, it sucks as it cuts.
Wayne Campbell It certainly does suck.
(getting a suck-cut)
AAHHH! TURN IT OFF MAN, TURN IT OFF! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE! OH, THE HUMANITY!
Wayne Campbell Phil, what are you doing here? You're partied out, man. Again.
What if he honks in the car?
Wayne
I'm giving you a no-honk guarantee.
...
Garth
Hey Phil, if you're gonna spew, spew into this. [Garth holds out an extremely small paper cup.]
Wayne Campbell Tell me, when the first show is over, will you still love me when I'm an incredibly humungoid giant star?
Yeah.
Wayne
Will you still love me when I'm in my hanging-out-with-Ravi-Shankar phase?
Yeah.
Wayne
Will you still love me when I'm in my carbohydrate, sequined-jumpsuit, young-girls-in-white-cotton-panties, waking-up-in-a-pool-of-your-own-vomit, bloated-purple-dead-on-a-toilet phase?
.........Yeah.
Wayne
Okay, party. Bonus.
Hey, who wants Chinese Takeout? I know a great place!
Wayne Campbell I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".
I mean, we're looking down on Wayne's basement. Only that's not Wayne's basement. Isn't that weird?
Wayne Campbell Yeah, that's weird, man, that's weird. Garth! That was a haiku!
(Starting at 'I mean' and finishing at the second 'Wayne's basement', this is a haiku. I.e.:
I mean, we're looking/ Down on Wayne's basement. Only/ That's not Wayne's basement.)
Wayne Campbell [Wayne is pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding]
Yes, officer, is there something wrong?
Traffic Cop
[holds up photo]
Have you seen this boy?
Wayne
[looks at camera]
AAAAAAAHHHH! [looks forward] AAAAHHH!!! [floors it]
