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Wayne Campbell quotes

Let me bring you up to speed. My name is Wayne Campbell. I live in Aurora, Illinois, which is a suburb of Chicago — excellent. I've had plenty of joe-jobs, nothing I'd call a career. Let me put it this way: I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets. OK, so I still live with my parents, which I admit is both bogus and sad. However I do have a cable access show — and I still know how to party. But what I'd really like is to do "Wayne's World" for a living. It might happen, tsshyeah, right, and monkeys might fly out of my butt.

Garth, marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

I say hurl. If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. If you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be. advising Garth about his fear of vomiting if he talks to his dream girl

I mean, there are two Darren Stevens, right? Dick York and Dick Sargeant.Shyeah, right, as if we wouldn't notice. Oh, hold on! Dick York, Dick Sergeant, Sergeant York... Wow, that's weird.

(ordering chinese take-out) I'll have the "cream of sum yung gai".

(admiring a 64' Pre-CBS Fender Stratocaster in a music store) It will be mine. Oh, yes — It will be mine.

(on seeing Cassandra for the first time) She will be mine. Oh, yes — she will be mine.

I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.

Ex-squeeze me? Baking powder?

Ah yes, it's a lot like 'Star Trek: The Next Generation'. In many ways it's superior but will never be as recognized as the original.

I know I don't have his looks. I know I don't have his money. I know I don't have his connections, his knowledge of fine wines. I know sometimes when I eat I get this clicking sound in my jaw...

(speaking to the camera) What the hell's going on? I lost my show, I lost my best friend, I lost my girl. I'm being shit on, that's all, shit on, and you know what really pisses me off — [camera pans away] Wait, no, come on back.. OK, things aren't as bad as they seem... I'll figure somethin' out, OK?

Zang! ("Excellent" in Cantonese)

Pardon me — do you have any Grey Poupon?

(after being told not to play "Stairway to Heaven" at the guitar store.) No stairway? Denied!

(To scary ex-girlfriend before opening her "anniversary" gift) If it's a severed head, I'm going to be very upset.

(To scary ex-girlfriend after she gives him a gun rack as an "anniversary" gift) A gun rack... a gun rack. Shyeah, Right! I don't even own a gun, let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack. What am I gonna do... with a gun rack?

Hey Garth — that was a haiku.

Wow, what a totally excellent discovery— NOT!

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