Doctor Evil That's Doctor Evil. I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "Mister", thank you very much.
2nd most-quoted character in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997): in 35 of its 99 quotes
Most scenes with: Scott (3), Austin Powers (2), Number Two (2)
I demand the sum of ... ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
More lines from Doctor Evil
17 quotes Doctor Evil Doctor Evil Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Doctor Evil One more peep out of you and you're grounded, Mister, and I am not joking. Let's begin.
Doctor Evil Throw me a frickin' bone here!
Doctor Evil The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with a low-grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named Chloë with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Wilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking – I suggest you try it.
Doctor Evil Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes, Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Doctor Evil That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil gets angry Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people DIE!
Doctor Evil Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Doctor Evil I like to see girls of that... caliber. [pause] By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
Doctor Evil Finally, we come to my number-two man. His name? Number Two.
Doctor Evil Open the frickin' door!
Doctor Evil There's nothing quite as pathetic as an aging hipster.
Doctor Evil I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit. They were insolent.
Doctor Evil Scottie's on fire...
Doctor Evil It's frickin' freezing in here, Mr. Bigglesworth!
Doctor Evil There's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.
Doctor Evil Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian republic, Kreplachistan, is about to transfer a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom for...$1,000,000.
Scenes with Doctor Evil
17 scenes
Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Dr. Evil Gentlemen welcome to my underground lair. Its been 30 years but I'm back. Everything's gone perfectly to plan except one small flaw. Due to a technical error by my henchman Mustafa complications arose in the unfreezing process.
Mustafa My design was perfect.
Dr. Evil Look what you did to Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth is completely bald]
Mustafa But Dr. Evil we were unable to anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process-
Dr. Evil Silence! [Presses a button and Mustafa's chair tilts back dropping him into a pit of fire] Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure. [Mustafa can be heard moaning from an air vent] Gentlemen, lets get down to business. [Mustafa's moans continue] We've got a lot of work to do.
Mustafa Someone help me. I'm still alive only I'm very badly burned.
Dr. Evil Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.
Mustafa Hello out there. Anyone. Can someone call an ambulance, I'm in quite a lot of pain.
Dr. Evil Okay, you've all been gathered here to form my evil cabinet [Mustafa starts again] - excuse me. [Dr. Evil picks up a phone and talks to a henchmen on the other line] Yes, he's down there.
Henchman [almost inaudible]
Is he dead yet?
Dr. Evil No, not dead. Burnt, badly.
Henchman Would you like me to take care of him, possibly with a gun?
Dr. Evil Yes.
Henchman Kill him?
Dr. Evil Right. [hangs up the phone]
Mustafa If somebody could open the retrieval hatch down here I could get out. See I designed this device myself [a hatch is heard opening] - Oh, hi, good. I'm glad you found me, listen I'm very badly burned, so if you could just- [a gunshot fires] You shot me!
Dr. Evil Okay, moving on-
Mustafa You shot me right in the arm! Why would you- [another gunshot fires, all is silent for a moment, then the hatch is heard closing]
Dr. Evil Right.
Dr. Evil Gentlemen, I have a plan [Dr. Evil gives Mr. Bigglesworth to Random Task. Random Task accidentally grabs Dr. Evils arm as well, rolling him off screen. Dr. Evil rolls himself back on screen] ...it's called blackmail. As you know the Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it seem that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce.
(clears his throat)
Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil Right, okay people you have to tell me these things, all right. I've been frozen for 30 years okay. Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss, need the info.
Dr. Evil Ok, no problem. here's my second plan. Back in the 60s, I developed a weather changing machine, which was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a (uses air quotes) LASER. Using these LASERs, we punch a hole in the protective hole around the world, which we call the (further air qoutes) Ozone Layer. Slowly, but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer, that is, unless the world pays us a hefty ranson... (puts pinky to mouth smugly)
Dr. Evil Shit. (beat of silence) Oh hell, let's just do what we always do, hi-jack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good.
Dr. Evil Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
Dr. Evil I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil Sh!
But...
Dr. Evil Sh!
I'm...
Dr. Evil Sh!
All I'm say...
Dr. Evil Sh!
They're gonna get a...
Dr. Evil Sh!
I'm...
Dr. Evil Sh!
I'm just...
Dr. Evil Sh!
Would...
Dr. Evil Sh!... Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dr. Evil Sh!
But...
Dr. Evil Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Dr. Evil Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
What, are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil No Scott, I have a better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Why don't you kill him now? I mean, come on, we can shoot 'em together it'll be fun. Bang!
Dr. Evil One more word out of you and you are grounded Mr., and I am not joking!
Dr. Evil Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
Dr. Evil [Guard starts dipping mechanism]
Close the tank!
Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil An evil vet?
No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil An evil petting zoo?
You always do that!
I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Dr. Evil You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for.? Honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Sea bass.
Dr. Evil [Unconvinced]
... Riiiight.
They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil Really? Are they ill tempered?
Absolutely.
Dr. Evil Oh well, that's a start.
I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil Oh Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil Oh sure.
Well, after a couple of years we got a little impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil My son?
Ja. SCOTT!
Dr. Evil [Scott enters]
Hello Scott.
Hi.
Dr. Evil I'm your father. Dr Evil.
I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and expect a relationship? I hate you. [Dr. Evil approaches Scott] What?
Dr. Evil Can I have a hug?
No.
Dr. Evil Give me a hug.
No way.
Dr. Evil Come here.
I'm not coming over there.
Dr. Evil Let's go.
Forget it.
Dr. Evil Pronto.
What are you doing?
Dr. Evil I'm with it. I'm hip. Tak-a-tak-a-tak-a-tak-a [Dr. Evil dances the Macarena] Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein, give your father a hug.
Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
Dr. Evil [Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Hug, hug, hug.
Dr. Evil Scotty, Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?
Blow me...
Dr. Evil What did you say?
Show me.
Dr. Evil [his face is still not shown]
Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth walks up to him in the pod] See you in the future, Mr. Powers. [laughs evilly, closes and seals the cryogenic pod]
Mrs. Kensington
My God, he's freezing himself!
Basil [The pod takes off inside a rocket-powered Bob's Big Boy statue] [narrating]
And so, Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen, to return at a time when free love no longer reigned, and greed and corruption ruled again.
Dr. Evil Mr. Powers, you'll notice that all the sharks have laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.
Dr. Evil, it's about the sharks. When you were frozen, they were put on the endangered species list. We tried to get some, but it would've taken months to clear up the red tape.
Dr. Evil You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently, my cycloptic colleague informs me that that can't be done. Can you remind me what I pay you people for? Honestly, throw me a bone here. What do we have?
Sea bass.
Dr. Evil Right.
They are mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil Really? Are they ill-tempered?
Absolutely.
Dr. Evil That's a start.
Dr. Evil Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism. [the guard starts dipping mechanism] Close the tank!
Wait, aren't you even gonna watch them? They could get away.
Dr. Evil No-no-no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
I have a gun in my room. You give me 5 seconds, I'll get it. I'll come back down here, BOOM! I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
It's no hassle-
Dr. Evil Shh!
But-
Dr. Evil Shh!
I'm-
Dr. Evil Shh!
All I'm say-
Dr. Evil Shh!
They're gonna get a-
Dr. Evil Shh!
I'm-
Dr. Evil Shh!
I'm just-
Dr. Evil Shh!
Would-
Dr. Evil Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Dr. Evil Shh!
But-
Dr. Evil Let me tell you a little story about a man named Shh! Shh! Even before you start, that was a pre-emptive "Shh!" Just know that I have a whole bag of "Shh!" with your name on it.
