Austin Powers My God, Vanessa's got a fantastic body... and I bet she shags like a minx. How do I tell her that, because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner-monologue? [beat] I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.
Most-quoted character in Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997): in 59 of its 99 quotes
Most scenes with: Vanessa Kensington (10), Alotta Fagina (4), Number Two (3)
Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers. [One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs] Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
More lines from Austin Powers
29 quotes Austin Powers Austin Powers Allow myself to introduce... myself. My name is Richie Cunningham and this is my wife, Oprah.
Austin Powers Austin Powers... Danger's my middle name.
Austin Powers Groovy, baby!
Austin Powers Let me ask you a question, and be honest — do I make you randy, baby?!
Austin Powers Yeah, baby, yeah!
Austin Powers Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later?
Austin Powers How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father!
Austin Powers Jimi Hendrix, deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin, deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass, deceased, ham sandwich.
Austin Powers I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working. [taps crotch] Hello? Are you awake?
Austin Powers That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
Austin Powers Well, no offense, but if that is a woman, it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
Austin Powers [about Alotta Fagina]
She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
Austin Powers [Filling out a form]
Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes, please!
Austin Powers [Entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]
This is my happening and it freaks me out!
Austin Powers Au contraire, baby, you can't resist me.
Austin Powers That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Austin Powers Do I make you horny? Do I make you randy, baby, yeah, do I?
Austin Powers [to Vanessa]
I think you're shagedelic, baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're a bit of alright!
Austin Powers It's freedom, baby, yeah!
Austin Powers Smashing, baby!
Austin Powers [Vanessa catches Austin in his underwear]
Wait, Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jumblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding, that thing, and then I'm in my knickers here and... [exhales]
Austin Powers Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.
Austin Powers It's time to swing, baby.
Austin Powers [Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom]
Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see... [Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind] ...anything at all.
Austin Powers [Austin is being choked out by Random Task; Vanessa tosses him the penis pump]
Honestly...it's not mine...!
Austin Powers [After watching an informational video to catch up with the times]
And I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming, no!
Austin Powers Oh, behave!
Austin Powers [at the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]
It's my happening, baby, and it freaks me out!
Scenes with Austin Powers
29 scenes Austin Powers [Holding Scott hostage]
It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
Care for some sake?
Austin Powers Sake it to me baby!
Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers What's your point, Vanessa?
Austin Powers That's Dr. Evil's cat!
How can you tell?
Austin Powers I never forget a pussy... cat.
Quartermaster Clerk [Returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin Powers [To Vanessa, frantically]
That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk [Beginning to get annoyed over the monotony]
One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk One BOOK, "Swedish-made penis Enlarger Pumps And Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby)", by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers [Gaping]
Aaah.
Quartermaster Clerk Just sign the form.
Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
What?
Austin Powers I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Did you at least use protection ?
Austin Powers Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers Well they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port.
Austin Powers [Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Not the time to lose one's head.
Austin Powers That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Austin Powers It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Hmm.
Austin Powers He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers Okay.
That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers Or sometimes not at all.
Basil Exposition A lot's happened since you've been frozen. The Cold War's over!
Austin Powers All right! Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition Austin... we won.
Austin Powers Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
Austin Powers Hey! There you are!
Tourist Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers No, but that's where you are! You're there!
Austin Powers What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.
Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers No, actually, I'm English.
Oh... sorry.
My name is Number Two and this is Alotta Fagina.
Austin Powers Come again?
Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!
Casino Dealer 17.
Casino Dealer You have 17, sir.
I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer [Hit for four]
21. Very good, sir.
Casino Dealer [To Austin]
5.
Austin Powers [Waves his hands over his cards]
I'll stay.
Casino Dealer I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer [Flips his cards over]
20 beats your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
Austin Powers [Austin is drowning a man in the toilet]
Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Yeah, that's right buddy! You show that turd who's boss.
Austin Powers [Shouting]
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Basil Exposition The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.
Austin Powers Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.
How dare you break wind before me.
Austin Powers I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn.
[Referring to events Austin missed over the past thirty years]
Thirty years of political and social upheaval. The fall of the Berlin Wall, a female Prime Minister of England, the abolishment of apartheid, a fascinating tapestry of human strum and drang.
Austin Powers Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. Women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming.
Austin [They see Dr. Evil enters the cryogenic pod]
I've got you now, Dr. Evil!
[his face is still not shown]
Not this time. Come, Mr. Bigglesworth! [Mr. Bigglesworth walks up to him in the pod] See you in the future, Mr. Powers. [laughs evilly, closes and seals the cryogenic pod]
Mrs. Kensington
My God, he's freezing himself!
Basil [The pod takes off inside a rocket-powered Bob's Big Boy statue] [narrating]
And so, Dr. Evil escaped and had himself cryogenically frozen, to return at a time when free love no longer reigned, and greed and corruption ruled again.
Clerk
[The clerk is returning Austin's personal effects after the reanimation process]
One blue, crushed velvet suit.
Austin Hey, all right!
Clerk
One frilly lace cravat.
Austin There it is!
Clerk
One silver medallion with male symbol. [Austin shoots an alluring look at Vanessa] One pair of Italian boots.
Austin Buongiorno, boys.
Clerk
One vinyl record album, Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits.
Austin Right, yeah.
Clerk
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin That's not mine.
Clerk
One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger, signed by Austin Powers.
Austin I'm telling ya, baby, that's not mine!
Clerk
One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby!
Clerk
One book: "Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: (This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby)", by Austin Powers.
Austin Ah.
Clerk
Just sign the form.
Austin Okay, thank you, handy man. I'll sign here, just to get things moving. [laughs] You know. [leaves with Vanessa, but goes back and retrieves his enlarger pump]
Austin Let me ask you a question, and be honest. [activates a rotating bed and music; startling Vanessa] Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby? Yeah!
[disgusted; to herself]
God, I hope this is part of the unfreezing process. [Austin attempts to pull her to a rotating bed] Ow!!! [turns off the music and rotating bed] Mr. Powers! I will never have sex with you, ever. If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depends on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin [happily confused]
What's your point, Vanessa?
[Vanessa rolls her eyes and sits down, before Austin turns back on and continues rotating his bed and music]
Austin [O'Brien is about to strangle Austin with his Good Luck Charm bracelet, but Austin gains upper hand by putting his hand into the toilet] [drowning O'Brien]
Who...does...Number 2 work for?! [still drowning him] Who...does Number 2...work for?!
[next to the stall]
That's right, buddy, you show that turd who's boss! [O'Brien starts noisily drowning] Hey. Hey, just grab ahold of something, bite your lip, and give it hell. Come on. We're gonna get through this. [O'Brien is still noisily drowning] Hey, that-that sounds pretty nasty. How about a courtesy flush over there? [Austin has finally drowned O'Brien, who dropped his broken Good Luck Charms. Austin walks out of the stall, and the Cowboy walks out of the other stall and finds the dead O'Brien in the toilet] Jesus Christ, boy. What did you eat?!
Austin No, this is me in a nutshell. [acts as if he were in a nutshell] "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this nutshell? Look at the size of this bloody great big nutshell. What sort of shell has a nut like this? This is crazy." [Vanessa cracks up laughing] You're smashed.
No, I'm not.
Austin Yes, you are.
No, I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver. [after a moment of silence] Oh, kiss me.
Austin I can't, darling.
Why not?
Austin 'Cause you're drunk. It's not right.
[going to sleep]
No, I'm not drunk. I'm just beginning to see what my Mummy was talking about all those years ago.
Austin I can't. She was very groovy. Your dad loved her very much. If there was one other cat in this world that could have loved her and treated her as well as your dad, well, it was me. But unfortunately, for yours truly, that train has sailed.
Austin [Austin had just punched Basil's mother]
That's not your mother, it's a man, baby! [pulling at her hair] Get off! Get off! Come on! Why won't this wig come off?!
Basil Austin!
Austin Yeah, hold on. Hold on one second.
Basil No, no! Unhand my mother! [Austin realizes this and let's her go] You have a lot of explaining to do!
Austin I'm sorry, Basil. I thought she was a man.
Basil Dammit, man! You're talking about my Mother!
Austin Well, you have to admit, she is rather man-ish.
Basil [shocked]
Austin!
Austin Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it does look like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
Austin Of course you may, love.
Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about that Italian secretary. You know, Miss Fagina? I don't wanna sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin No, don't be sorry, baby. You were right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
What?
Austin I shagged her rotten, baby! Yeah!
Austin Saucer of milk, table 2. [meows like a cat]
Did you use protection?
Austin 'Course. I had my 9-millimeter automatic.
You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin [laughs]
No! Only sailors use condoms, baby.
Not in the 90s, Austin!
Austin Well, they should, those filthy beggars. They go from port to port. [Vanessa huffily heads to bed] Vanessa, don't have a thrombo! Alotta meant nothing to me.
Well, it means something to me. Austin, if you want us to have a relationship, you have to get it into your head that times have changed! You can't just go off shagging anybody anymore, and if you could, I wouldn't, because I'm not like that!
Austin [pleading]
Vanessa. You're everything to me.
You just don't get it, do you? Good night, Austin. Welcome to the 90s. You're going to be very lonely. [closes the doors]
Morning, Austin. You know, I sometimes forget you've missed out on the last 30 years. The fall of the Berlin Wall, first female British Prime Minister, end of apartheid.
Austin Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming. No.
Fembots
[one by one]
You can't resist us, Mr. Powers.
Austin Au contraire, baby. I think that you can't resist me.
Austin [trying to resist the Fembots]
No! No! No, I've got to get Dr. Evil. I've got to get Dr. Evil. No, no no, uh, baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
Fembot
[stands over him]
Give it up, Mr. Powers. [unzips; opens her legs]
Austin [eyes widen]
Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
