Shrek (to Fiona, as he goes to rescue Donkey from the dragon)
Well, I have to save my ass.
Voiced by Mike Myers 
Shrek (2001) · 110 quotes
Shrek (2001) · 110 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Shrek (2001): in 62 of its 110 quotes
Most scenes with: Donkey (35), Princess Fiona (11), Lord Farquaad (4)
I already told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me! I live alone! MY swamp! ME! Nobody else, nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, TALKING DONKEYS!!!
More lines from Shrek
20 quotes Shrek Shrek I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET A LITTLE PRIVACY?!!
Shrek (encountering ogre hunters)
ROOOOAAAR!!! [the hunters scream in terror; Shrek lowers his voice to a whisper] This is the part where you run away.
Shrek (upon seeing the castle where Fiona is held prisoner)
Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location!
Shrek (seeing Lord Farquaad's enormous castle)
Do you think maybe he's compensating for something?
Shrek No! I'm an ogre. You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you?
Shrek What are you doing in my swamp? [echoes]
Shrek Alright. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is?
Shrek Okay, fine. Attention all... fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable! Your welcome is officially worn out! In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from!
Shrek It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?
Shrek All right, you're going the right way for a smacked bottom.
Shrek Thank you! Thank you, very much! I'm here 'til Thursday. Try the veal!
Shrek Okay, uh, ogres are like onions.
Shrek Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the...?
Shrek DONKEY, LOOK OUT!
Shrek GOT YA!
Shrek Okay, you two! Head for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. RUN!!!
Shrek I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go.
Shrek [to Fiona and Farquaad]
I object!
Shrek [after the arrow was pulled out of him]
OW!
Scenes with Shrek
41 scenes
1st Villager
(Shrek sneaks up on a mob about to storm his swamp)
Do you know what that thing could do to you?
2nd Villager
Yeah, it'll grind your bones for its bread!
Shrek Actually, that would be a giant. But ogres, oh, they're much worse. They'll make a soup from your freshly peeled skin! They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually it's quite good on toast...
2nd Villager
(waves a torch in front of Shrek)
Back! Back, ya beast! I warn ya!
2nd Villager
(Shrek licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match)
Oh...
Shrek (to Donkey)
WHY... are you following me?
Oh, I'll tell you why. (singing) Cos I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me! My problems have all come; there's no one to deride meeeeee! Butcha gotta have FRIENDS--
Shrek STOP! SINGING! Well it's no wonder you don't have any friends!
Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories and in the morning, I'm making WAFFLES. [pause] Umm, where do I sleep?
Shrek OUTSIDE!
So, you gotta go to this abandoned castle, get past a dragon and rescue a princess so Farquaad gives you back your swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place, is that right?
Shrek You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
[eyeing the KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]
I guess you don't, uh... entertain much, do you?
Shrek I like my privacy.
Y'know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know...
Shrek What?
Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek [sarcastically friendly]
Of course!
Really?
Shrek No.
PLEASE, I don't wanna go back there, you don't know what it's like to be considered a freak! [slight pause] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay!
[Shrek and Donkey are on their way to rescue Fiona. Donkey sniffs the air, and smells something horrible.]
Whew, Shrek, did you do that?! Man, you gotta warn somebody before you crack one like that. My mouth was open and everything.
Shrek Believe me, Donkey, if that was me, you'd be dead. [sniffs] It's brimstone... we must be getting close.
Yeah, right, brimstone, don't be talking about no brimstone. I know what I smelt and it wasn't no brimstone, and it didn't come off no stone neither.
[Shrek and Donkey finally reach the terrifying castle where Fiona is imprisoned] [nervous]
Er, Shrek, you know when you said that ogres have layers?
Shrek Oh, aye?
Well, donkeys don't have no layers. We wear our fear right there on our sleeves.
Shrek Wait a second, donkeys don't have sleeves!
You know what I mean.
Shrek You can't tell me you're afraid of heights?
No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling lake of LAVA!
Shrek Go over there and see if you can find any stairs.
Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the Princess.
Shrek The Princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
How do you know that?
Shrek I read it in a book once.
So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?
Shrek In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her.
I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek.
You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek It's on my to-do list. Now come on!
But this isn't right! You're meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying... That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek [glances at a scorched skeleton]
Yeah, right before they burst into flame!
Hi, princess!
It TALKS!
Shrek Yeah, but it's getting him to SHUT UP that's the trick!
But how will you kiss me?
Shrek What? That wasn't in the job description!
Maybe it's a perk!
Shrek Well that's not very nice. [looks at Donkey] It's just a donkey.
Whoa! Look at that! Who'd wanna live in a place like that?
Shrek That would be my home.
Oh, and it is LOVELY! Just BEAUTIFUL! You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget! [looks at boulder] I like that boulder. That is a NICE boulder.
Shrek For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Example?
Shrek Example? Okay, er... ogres... are... like onions.
Shrek Yes...NO!
Or they make you cry.
Shrek No!
Oh, you leave them out in the sun and they turn brown and start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek NO! LAYERS! Onions have layers. OGRES have layers. Onions have layers... you get it. We both have layers.
Oh, you both have layers. [pause] You know, not everybody likes onions. [pause] CAKES! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers!
Shrek [restraining temper]
I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres. Are not. Like cakes!
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek NOOO!!! YOU DENSE, IRRITATING, MINIATURE BEAST OF BURDEN! Ogres are like onions! End of story! Bye bye! [whispers] See you later!
Shrek You know... I think I preferred you humming...
[Donkey has been telling Fiona about DuLoc]
And my groom-to-be, Lord Farquaad. What's he like?
Shrek Well, let me put it this way, Princess. [knowing glance at Donkey] Men of Farquaad's standards are in "short" supply. [chuckles]
No, Shrek. There are those who think very "little" of him!
[Shrek and Donkey laugh]
Stop it. Stop it, both of you! You know, you're just jealous that you could never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek [grins]
Maybe. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow!
[suddenly anxious]
Tomorrow? Will it really take that long? Shouldn't we set up camp?
Shrek No, that'll take longer.
But there's... robbers in the woods!
[tense]
Whoa, time out, Shrek! Campin' sure is startin' to sound like a good idea 'round here!
Shrek Hey, come on! I'm scarier than anything we're gonna see in this forest--
You love this woman, don't ya?
Shrek Yes.
You wanna HOLD her?
Shrek Yes!
PLEASE her?!
Shrek YES!
Shrek [Shrek shows Donkey some star constellations]
Over there. That's Throwback, the only ogre ever to spit over three wheatfields.
Hey, can you tell my future from these stars?
Shrek Well, the stars don't tell the future, Donkey, they tell stories. [points] Look, there's Bloodnut the Flatulent. [grins] You can guess what he's famous for!
Alright, I know you're makin' this up.
Shrek No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench.
Ah, that ain't nothin' but a buncha little dots!
Shrek Y'know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. [pauses, then indicates himself] Hmm? [pause] Ah, never mind.
Shrek Our swamp?
Y'know, when we're through with rescuin' the princess and all that stuff.
Shrek We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. And the first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land.
[looks hurt]
You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. [cheerful again] Y'know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is to try and keep somebody out.
Shrek No! Y'think?
Are you hidin' something?
Shrek Never mind, Donkey.
Ooooh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it?
Shrek No, this is one of those "drop it and leave it alone" things.
Why don't you wanna talk about it?
Shrek [irritated now]
Why do you WANT to talk about it?
Are you blocking?
Shrek I'm not blocking!
Yes you are.
Shrek [really getting angry]
Donkey, I'm warning you...
Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, Shrek. Who?
Shrek [loses it]
EVERYONE, OKAY?!?
Shrek OH, FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
What exactly is your problem, Shrek? What you got against the world, huh?
Shrek I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go "Arrrgh! Help! Run! A big stupid ugly ogre!" [sighs, feeling sad] They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone.
Shrek Yeah, I know.
So... [looks back at the stars] are there any donkeys up there?
Shrek Well, there's Gabby the Small... and Annoying.
Oh yeah, I see him. That big shiny one there, right?
Shrek That's the moon.
Shrek [first lines; narrates his storybook]
Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Steve Harwell music playing a song All Star. Out steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot off the page, still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home and goes about his daily routine, which is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.]
Villagers
[In a nearby village, an angry mob gather up to go to deal with Shrek. At night, they gather their torches and pitchforks and enter the swamp, trampling over Shrek's warning signs. Shrek sees them after investigating the commotion, rolling his eyes. The hunters stop outside Shrek's home, unaware that Shrek is sneaking up behind them.] [off-screen]
I think he's in there?
Villager Chris
[sotto; intense]
All right, LET'S GET HIM! [Another villager looks alarmed and reaches out, grabbing the first and stopped him]
Villager James
Whoa, hold on! Do you know what that thing could do to you? [A third villager pipes in]
Villager Mike
[foreboding]
Yeah, he'll grind your bones for its bread. [The other villagers all stare at him bewildered]
Shrek [brightly, laughing]
Yes. [exposes himself, villagers gasp] Well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres... oh, they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin!
Villagers
No!
Shrek They'll shave your liver, squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast.
Villager James
[waves his torches in front of Shrek]
BACK! BACK, BEAST! BACK! I WARN YA! [Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch like a match; he smiles nervously] Right.
Shrek [Shrek let out a huge long roars. Simultaneously, the villagers close their eyes and shout in shock, horror and panic for all they're worth. The villagers' huge, long shouts are too fast. Their shouts outlast Shrek's roars, and Shrek pounds them for a moment.] [whispers]
This is the part, where you run away. [the villagers do so; laughs] And stay out! [looks down at a discarded poster and picks it up to inspect.] "Wanted: Fairy tale creatures." [sighs, as he tosses the poster away.]
[After Shrek scares the guards off; Donkey is meeting Shrek, while following him.]
Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible!
Shrek [annoyed]
Are you talking to? [turns around and Donkey is gone] Me? [turns back around, Donkey shows up] Ha!
Yes, I was talking to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back there? Man, those guards! They thought they were all that. Then you showed up and bam! They were tripping over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that.
Shrek That's great. Really.
Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? [walks off]
But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. [catches up to Shrek] Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're a mean, green, fighting machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. [Shrek exhales while turning around and roars at him]
Shrek [worried]
DAAAAAAH!!!
Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me saying, if that doesn't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause your breath *stinks!* [As Shrek continues walking off, annoyed. He shows up from the tree branch, blocking Shrek's way.] Man, you almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time. [Shrek covers his mouth, but he is still talking in muffled; he removes his hand] Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gas leaking out of my butt that day.
Shrek Why...are you following me?
I'll tell you why. [sings] 'Cause I'm all alone / There's no one here beside me / My problems have all gone / There's no one to deride me! / But ya gotta have friends! [finishes singing]
Shrek STOP SINGING!!!! [picks up Donkey by his ears and tail] Look, it's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Wow! Only a true friend would be that truly honest.
Shrek Listen, Little Donkey. Take a look at me. What am I?
Uh... [looks up at Shrek] ...Really tall?
Shrek No! I'm an ogre! You know, "Grab your torch and pitchforks!" Doesn't that bother you?
Shrek [confused]
Really?
Really, really?
Shrek Oh.
Man, I like you. What's your name?
Shrek Uh... Shrek. [continues walking]
"Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-know-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that. You all right. [he and Shrek finds his home] Woo, look at that. Who'd want to live in a place like that?
Shrek That would be home.
And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know, you were quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. [looks at the rock nearby] I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder.
[eyes the DANGER KEEP OUT signs surrounding Shrek's home]
I guess you don't, uh, entertain much, do you?
Shrek I like my privacy.
You know, I do too! That's another thing we have in common. Like, I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give 'em a hint, they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence, you know... [silence ensues] ...Can I stay with you?
Shrek Uh, what?
Can I stay with you... please?
Shrek Of course!
Really? Should I go inside?
Shrek No.
Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a think! [slight pauses out; Shrek gives Donkey a look] Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together! You gotta let me stay outside! Please, please!
Shrek Okay! Okay. Then stay outside. But one night only.
Ah, thank you! [Shrek opens his door, Donkey charges into the hovel]
Shrek Whoa! What are you...?? No, no, no!
This is gonna be fun. We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin', [pauses for a few seconds] I'm makin' waffles!
Shrek Ohh!!
Where do, uh, I sleep?
Shrek OUTSIDE!!
Oh... well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know, and you don't know that, so I guess I need to stay outside to do my best, you know. [sniffs] Here I go. Gd'night. [sighs; Shrek shuts the door closed] I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. Sit by myself, outside. [singing] I'm all alone; there's no one here beside me.
Shrek [At dinner]
I thought I told you to stay outside.
I am stay outside. [Shrek hears skittering. He spins to look, and he whips around to see Three Blind Mice stumbling around on his dinner table]
Mouse #1
Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have?
Mouse #2
Well, it's not home, but it'll do just fine.
Mouse #3
[Shrek starts toward the table. Mouse 3 walks up to Shrek's ear wax candle. Mouse 1 bounces on Shrek's slug]
What a lovely bed!
Shrek Gotcha!
Mouse #3
I've found some cheese!
Shrek [Mouse 3 takes a bite of the ear wax candle and spits it out]
Ow!
Mouse #3
Blah! Awful stuff.
Mouse #2
Is that you Gorder?!
Mouse #3
How did you know?
Shrek Enough! What are you doing in my house? Hey! Oh, no, no, no, no! Get your dead broad off the table.
Dwarf
Where are we supposed to put it? The bed's taken.
Wolf
[Realizing, Shrek enters his bedroom, seeing the wolf in the bed]
What?
Shrek [Shrek and Donkey flex triumphantly for the ecstatic crowd as Farquaad watches on, intrigued.]
Oh, yeah! Ah, ah! Thank you! Thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday, try the veal. [laughs]
Guard
[The crowd laughter stops as all of the guards turn with they weapons on Shrek]
Shall I give the order, sir?
No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
Shrek What?
Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
[Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the sunflower fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion as he makes a mess in the fields]
Okay, so let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp, which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
Shrek You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
Shrek Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you?
Uh, no, not really, no.
Shrek For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
Example?
Shrek Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. [he holds out his onion]
Shrek Yes - - No!
Or they make you cry?
Shrek No!
Oh, you leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs.
Shrek No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. [he throws away the onion and walks off]
Oh, you both have layers. Oh. [sniffs] You know, not everybody likes onions. CAKE! [trailing after Shrek] Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
Shrek I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. [walks passed Donkey]
You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Heck no, I don't like no parfaits"? Parfaits are delicious.
Shrek [impatient]
NO!!!! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. [whispers] See you later.
Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole darn planet.
Shrek You know, I think I preferred your humming.
Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait makes me start slobbering.
[The pair start making their way through the hallways of the dragon's dark and spooky keep. Shrek is wary, while Donkey is downright terrified. Only an occasional torch lights the way. The passages are littered with bones, armor, and weapons, presumably belonging to the remains of unsuccessful knights who tried to rescue the princess.] [whispers nervously]
You afraid?
Shrek No. But.... [shushes Donkey in the fear of awakening the dragon]
[sighs]
Oh, good. Me neither. [gets spooked and gasps] 'Cause there's nothing wrong with being afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. An unfamiliar, dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire. It sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're in danger. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that.
Shrek [Donkey crashes into a pile of knight remains, knocking over a skeleton whose helmet lands on Donkey's head. The skeleton's head falls off, and Donkey gasps]
Donkey, 2 things, okay? Shut. Up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. [grabs the helmet and puts it on]
Stairs? I thought we were looking for the princess.
Shrek [picking up pieces of armor]
The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower.
What makes you think she'll be there?
Shrek I read it in a book once. [walks off]
Cool. You handle The Dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're going.
[Shrek, now adorned in knight armor, walks off further into the castle. Donkey wanders off in the opposite direction, still talking to himself, and pushes his way through a giant set of doors]
I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it.
Shrek [Behind a broken wall, a giant eye opens to see an unaware Donkey. Elsewhere, Shrek spots a light in the window of a tower.]
Well, at least we know where the princess is. But where's the-?
DRAGON!
Shrek [Donkey screams in horror and takes off running, narrowly dodging the Dragon's fiery breath. The Dragon chases after Donkey, stomping on the pile of knight remains in her way. Shrek turns around to see Donkey barreling toward him with the Dragon close behind him]
DONKEY, LOOK OUT!!! AAH!
Shrek [Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as The Dragon breathes another fireball. Donkey drops to the floor to avoid another fireball, which manages to singe the tuft of his tail. The Dragon is just about to eat Donkey when Shrek grabs hold of her tail.]
GOT YA!!!! [The Dragon begins to swing her tail back and forth with Shrek still holding on, then launches him to fly into the air.] AAAAAAH! [Shrek crashes through the roof of the tallest tower and into Fiona's room. Fiona wakes up and looks at him lying on the floor, unconscious.]
[The Dragon now focuses her attention on Donkey, breathing fire at him and forcing him onto a stone bridge. The Dragon knocks down portions of the bridge until Donkey is left standing on a lone pillar]
No. Oh, no, No! [the dragon growls] Oh, what large teeth you have?! [The Dragon roars] I mean white, sparkling teeth!
[The Dragon pauses, looks at him inquisitively, and then smiles. Donkey might just flatter his way out of becoming dragon food.]
I know you probably hear this all the time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness?
[The dragon appears to be flattered by Donkey's compliments]
And you know what else? You know what else? You're-- You're-- [The Dragon leans forward and gazes at Donkey, revealing her long eyelashes and lipsticked mouth. Suddenly it was all clear to Donkey] --a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. [The Dragon flutters her eyes at him] What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? [Dragon blows a heart-shaped smoke ring at Donkey] Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh... [coughs] I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings and stuff. Shrek! [Dragon picks him up by the tail in her mouth and happily carries him off] No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek!
[Shrek groans as he regains consciousness. His back is to Princess Fiona, lying upright on the bed near the window. Though a bit startled, she is ecstatic to see her knight in shining armor. She straightens her dress, lies back down, and then quickly reaches over for a bouquet off the side table. She lies back down and pretends to be asleep, clutching the bouquet to her breast. Shrek turns, takes note of the princess and walks across the room over to her. He bends down over to Fiona, and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and forcefully shakes her.]
Wha... Wha...
Shrek Wake up!
What?!
Shrek Are you Princess Fiona?
I am... [smiling] awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me.
Shrek Ah, that's nice. Now let's go!
[Shrek turns to leave and Fiona quickly sits upright]
But, wait, Shrek! This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? [she tosses the bouquet and lays back down, swooning]
Shrek Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. [Shrek walks back, grabs Fiona's arm. and hauls her out of bed and toward the door]
Hey, wait. What are you doing? You know, you should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. [Shrek yanks on the door handle only for it to snap off]
Shrek You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you?
Mm-hmm. [screams as Shrek suddenly smashes the door down with his shoulder, still holding onto her arm. He rushes down the tower's staircase in tow and grabs a torch] But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an imagine poem for me. [Shrek and Fiona cross the bridge connecting the tallest tower to the rest of the castle] A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? A something! [Fiona pulls her arm out. They stop for a moment as Shrek figures out which direction to go.]
Shrek I don't think so.
Well, can I at least know the name of my champion?
Shrek Uh, Shrek.
Sir Shrek. [she smiles, clears her throat, and holds out a handkerchief] I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude.
Shrek Thanks!
[Shrek regards the handkerchief curiously and wipes his sooty face with it, blackening it. He hands it back to an appalled Fiona, but before she can react, they are startled by The Dragon's roar as she drops it to the floor]
You didn't slay the dragon?!
Shrek It's on my to-do list; now come on! [Shrek grabs Fiona once again and takes off running toward the direction of the dragon's roar]
But-but-but- this isn't right! They were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did!
Shrek Yeah, right before they burst into flames!
[He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it]
That's not the point! Ugh!
[Fiona pulls her arm out and stops running. Shrek pauses to look around and heads for a set of wooden doors]
Wait, where are you going? The exit's over there!
Shrek [she points her arm to her left and Shrek turns around]
Well, I have to save my backside.
What kind of knight are you?
Shrek One of a kind.
[Shrek quietly pushes open the doors, stepping out onto a balcony of a large, spacious room. In the center of the room, Dragon has Donkey wrapped up on her tail. Dragon sits on a floor littered with a horde of gold coins and jewels]
Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look, I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude.
[Dragon gently caresses Donkey with a single claw]
Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing?
[Dragon looks up at the chandelier hanging above them and gently lights its candles with her fire breath]
Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. I mean, we really should get to know each other first, you know, as friends or maybe even pen pals. Y'know cause I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards to read --
[Shrek jumps off the balcony, grabbing a chain connected to the chandelier. The chain does not hang low enough for him to be able to grab Donkey and sends him swinging over Dragon. The chain swings back and ends up dangling him above her]
Oh, y'know I'd, I'd really love to stay, but --
[Dragon tugs at Donkey's tail with her mouth]
Hey, hey, don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission to-- hey! What are you gonna do with that?
[Dragon purses her lips and gets ready to kiss Donkey. Shrek looks up and sees the chain is jammed above him. He starts shaking it to try and release it from the pulley. Suddenly the pulley comes loose, and Shrek starts falling]
Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh!
[Shrek lands on Donkey and bumps him out of Dragon's grasp just as she is about to kiss him, and now instead kisses Shrek's arse. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain, and the chandelier falls onto her head, making a collar around her neck. She roars again, and Shrek and Donkey take off running. They dodge a blast of fire from Dragon. Shrek grabs Donkey in one arm and then grabs Princess Fiona, who has wandered into the room, with the other arm as he runs past her.]
Hi, Princess!
He talks!
Shrek Yeah, it's getting him to shut up; that's the trick.
[They all gasp as Shrek suddenly stops, having reached the end of the balcony. Shrek spots a fallen column that has formed a sort of slide. He jumps on it just as Dragon tries to bite them and slides down it. Unfortunately, there is a crack in the stone, which hits Shrek right in the crotch. His eyes cross, and as he reaches the bottom of the slide, he groans and stumbles off. Dragon chases after them, the chain of the chandelier still unravelling. Dragon chases them through a large hall, her chain looping itself around multiple stone pillars as Shrek zigzags around them. Dragon ends up in front of them and breathes fire. Shrek dodges the fire and runs away, leaping over several rows of chains. He comes to a halt.]
Shrek Okay, you two, head for the exit! [setting down Donkey and Fiona] I'll take care of The Dragon.
Shrek [Shrek grabs a sword lodged in the floor and sticks it through a link in the chain and deep into the floor. Shrek catches up with Donkey and Fiona, who are waiting near the exit]
RUN!!
[They sprint as fast as they can out of the castle and onto the rickety bridge as Dragon breathes a huge fireball behind them. As they reach the middle of the bridge, the fire burns the bridge, and it snaps in half. They hang onto the bridge as they are swung to the other side. Donkey, unable to grab on, falls off, but Shrek catches him by the leg. Fiona screams in horror as Dragon flies over the boiling lava to get them. Suddenly, the chandelier pulls Dragon back, the sword having lodged itself into a stone column and getting the chain stuck. The Dragon stopped from making a mistake. The group quickly climbs up to safety. Dragon lets out a stopped roar, then gives a sad whimper.]
[A little time has passed, and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her.]
Okay, so here’s another question. Say there’s a woman that digs you, right, but you don’t really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren’t hurt, but you don’t get burned to a crisp and eaten?
You just tell her she’s not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your… [Shrek drops her on the ground] Hey! The sooner we get to Duloc, the better.
You’re gonna love it there, Princess. It’s beautiful!
And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What’s he like?
Shrek Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad’s stature are in short supply. [he and Donkey laugh]
[Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime.]
I don’t know. There are those who think little of him.
[They laugh again.]
Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You’re just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad.
Shrek Yeah, well, maybe you’re right, Princess. But I’ll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow.
[looks at the setting sun]
Tomorrow?! It’ll take that long? Shouldn’t we stop to make camp?
Shrek No, that’ll take longer. We can keep going.
But there’s robbers in the woods.
Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good.
Shrek Hey, come on. I’m scarier than anything we’re going to see in this forest.
I need to find somewhere to camp NOW!!!!
[Both Donkey and Shrek’s ears lower as they shrink away from her.]
Shrek [Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.]
Hey! Over here.
Shrek, we can do better than that. I don’t think this is fit for a princess.
No, no, it’s perfect. It just needs a few homey touches.
Shrek Homey touches? Like what? [he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.]
A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. [goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her.]
You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will.
[Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside.]
Shrek, what are you doing?
Shrek [laughs]
I just.... You know.... Oh, come on. I was just kidding.
[Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey, who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes, and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly, the pressure of the note is too big, and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse: Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey’s talking in his sleep.]
Shrek Donkey, wake up. [shakes him]
Huh? What?
Shrek Wake up.
What? [stretches and yawns]
Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs?
Oh, good morning, Princess!
Shrek [Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.]
What’s all this about?
You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me.
Shrek Uh, thanks.
[Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.]
Well, eat up. We’ve got a big day ahead of us. [walks off]
[They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches.]
Shrek!
Shrek What? It’s a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. [laughs]
Well, it’s no way to behave in front of a princess.
She’s as nasty as you are.
Shrek [chuckles]
You know, you’re not exactly what I expected.
Well, maybe you shouldn’t judge people before you get to know them.
Robin Hood
[She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree.]
La liberte! Hey!
Shrek Princess!
Robin Hood
Be still, mon cherie, for I am your savior! And I am rescuing you from this green... [kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust] ...beast.
Shrek Hey! That’s my princess! Go find your own!
Robin Hood
Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here?
Robin Hood
Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men! [laughs]
Merry Men
[Suddenly an accordion begins to play, and the Merry Men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin’s theme song.]
Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.
Robin Hood
♪ I steal from the rich and give to the needy. ♪
Merry Men
♪ He takes a wee percentage, ♪
Robin Hood
♪ But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. ♪
Merry Men
♪ What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ♪
Robin Hood
Break it down. ♪ I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... ♪
Merry Men
♪ What he's basically saying is he likes to get-
Robin Hood
Paid. So... ♪ When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. ♪ That's bad.
Merry Men
That's bad.
Robin Hood
♪ When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. ♪
Merry Men
He's mad, he's really, really mad.
Robin Hood
♪ I’ll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys, 'cause I'm about to start... ♪
[There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and kicks Robin Hood unconscious. Shrek looks at her in admiration.]
Man, that was annoying!
Merry Man
Oh, you little...! [shoots an arrow at Fiona but she handsprings out of the way]
[The arrow flies toward Donkey, who jumps into Shrek’s arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.]
AAAAAAH!
[Another fight sequence begins, and Fiona gives a karate yell. She handsprings over to the arrow shooter and rapidly punches him unconscious. She elbow strikes another and swats him with her braid. There is a very interesting ‘Matrix’ moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair, then takes two men down by kicking them both at the same time. With a running backflip off a tree, she punches the friar through his accordion. She knocks out another one of the Merry Men with a roundhouse kick. Finally, all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away.]
Uh, shall we?
Shrek Hold the phone. [drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona] Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from?
What?
Shrek That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that?
Well... [laughs] when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there’s a… [gasps and points] there’s an arrow in your butt!
Shrek What? [turns and looks] Oh, would you look at that? [he goes to pull it out but flinches because it’s tender]
Oh, no! This is all my fault! I’m so sorry!
Shrek’s hurt.
Shrek’s hurt? Shrek’s hurt?! Oh, no, Shrek’s gonna die!
Shrek Donkey, I’m okay.
You can’t do this to me, Shrek! I’m too young for you to die! Keep you legs elevated! Turn your head and cough! Does anyone know the Heimlich?
Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns.
Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I’m on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don’t die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light!
Both
Donkey!
Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. [runs off]
Shrek What are the flowers for?
Shrek Ah.
Now you hold still, and I’ll yank this thing out. [gives the arrow a little pull]
Shrek [jumps away]
Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin’.
[As they continue to talk, Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands.]
I’m sorry, but it has to come out.
Shrek No, it’s tender.
Now, hold on.
Shrek What do you think you’re doing is the opposite of help.
Don’t move.
Shrek Look, time out.
Would you...? [grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow] Okay. What do you propose we do?
[Donkey is still looking for the special flower.]
Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn’t color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns.
Shrek [os]
OW!
Hold on, Shrek! I’m comin’! [rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns]
Shrek Ow! Not good!
Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. [Shrek grunts as she pulls] It’s just about...
Shrek Ow! Ohh! [he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him]
Ahem.
Shrek [throwing Fiona off of him]
Nothing happened. We were just, uh...
Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay?
Shrek Oh, come on! That’s the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just-- [Fiona pulls the arrow out] Ugh! [he turns to look at Fiona, who holds up the arrow with a smile] Ow!
Hey, what’s that? [nervous chuckle] That’s-- Is that blood? [faints]
[Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way.] [Eels: "My Beloved Monster"] [There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won’t get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree, and the tree swings back into its upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek is swatting at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that’s on a tree branch and runs through the field, swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek, who begins eating like cotton candy. Shrek catches a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presents it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc.]
EELS
[singing]
My beloved monster and me We go everywhere together Wearin' a raincoat that has four sleeves Get us through all kinds of weather
Aah!
EELS
[singing]
She will always be the only thing That comes between me and the awful sting That comes from living in a world that’s so damn mean [croaks] Oh, oh-oh-oh-oh
Hey!
EELS
[singing]
La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la [both laughing] La-la, la-la, la-la
[Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats.]
Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this?
Shrek Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.
No kidding. Well, this is delicious.
Shrek Well, they’re also great in stews. Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. [chuckles]
[Fiona looks at DULOC and sighs.]
I guess I’ll be dining a little differently tomorrow night.
Shrek Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I’ll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare-- you name it.
Shrek [They smiled at each other.]
Um, Princess?
Yes, Shrek?
Shrek I, um, I was wondering…are you… [sighs] Are you gonna eat that?
Shrek What?
Wait a minute. I see what’s goin’ on here. You’re afraid of the dark, aren’t you?
Yes! Yes, that’s it. I’m terrified. You know, I’d better go inside.
Don’t feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until-- Hey, no, wait. I’m still afraid of the dark.
Shrek Good night.
[Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye.]
Ohh! Now I really see what’s goin’ on here.
Shrek Oh, what are you talkin’ about?
I don’t even wanna hear it. Look, I’m an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin’ on each other. I could feel it.
Shrek You’re crazy. I’m just bringing her back to Farquaad.
Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel.
Shrek I...There’s nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know...and I’m not sayin’ I do ‘cause I don’t...she’s a princess, and I’m...
An ogre?
Shrek Yeah. An ogre.
Hey, where you goin’?
Shrek To get… more firewood. [sighs]
[Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is.]
Shrek [Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand.] [to himself]
Princess, I...Uh, how’s it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I’m okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it’s pretty and...well, I don’t really like it, but I thought you might like it ‘cause you’re pretty. But I like you anyway. I’d...uh, uh... [sighs] I’m in trouble. Okay, here we go.
[He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking.] [os]
I can’t just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don’t go together. That’s why I can’t stay here with Shrek.
[Shrek steps back in shock.] [os]
My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love.
[Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away.]
[Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.]
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. [she quickly runs to the door and goes outside] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want...
[Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun, she sees Shrek stomping towards her.]
Shrek. Are you all right?
Shrek Perfect! Never been better.
I...I don’t...There’s something I have to tell you.
Shrek You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
You heard what I said?
Shrek Every word.
I thought you’d understand.
Shrek Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
Shrek Yeah? Well, it does. [Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.] Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
[Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.]
What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
Princess Fiona.
Shrek As promised. Now hand it over.
Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. [Shrek takes the paper] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. [Farquaad snaps his fingers] Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... [Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.] farewell.
Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
[Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.]
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! [A guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse]
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
[Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.]
Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
Shrek Yeah? So what?
Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night. She’s....
Shrek I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
Shrek, I...I wanna go with you.
Shrek I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. [to himself] I live alone! My swamp! Me! [to Donkey] Nobody else! Understand? [to himself] Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!
But I thought...
Shrek Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. [stomps off]
Shrek?
[John Cale: "Hallelujah"] [Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.]
[Some guards are milling around. The dragon lands with a boom. The guards all get off running.] [to Dragon]
Go ahead, have some fun. If we need you, I’ll whistle. How about that? [she nods and goes after the guards] Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don’t you?
Shrek [at the Church door]
What are you talking about?
There’s a line you gotta wait for. The preacher’s gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That’s when you say, "I object!"
Shrek I don’t have time for this!
Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don’t you?
Shrek Yes.
You wanna hold her?!
Shrek Yes.
PLEASE HER?!
Shrek YES!
Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. The chicks love that romantic cop!
Shrek All right! Cut it out. When does this man say the line?
We gotta check it out.
Bishop
[As the priest talks, we see Donkey’s shadow through one of the windows. Shrek tosses him up so he can see.]
And so, by the power vested in me.
Shrek [Outside]
What do you see?
The whole town’s in there.
Bishop
[Inside]
I now pronounce you…
Bishop
[Inside]
…king and queen.
Shrek Oh, for the love of Pete!
[He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard.]
Shrek [running toward the alter]
I object!
Shrek.
Shrek [to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church]
Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
What are you doing here?
Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding!
Shrek Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me--
Shrek But you can’t marry him.
And why not?
Shrek Because-- Because he’s just marrying you so he can be king.
Outrageous! Fiona, don’t mind me.
Shrek He’s not your true love.
And what do you know about true love?
Shrek Well, I...Uh...I mean...
Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [laughs]
[The prompter card men holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The whole congregation laughs.]
An ogre and a princess!
Shrek, is this true?
Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re about a kiss away from your "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.]
[looking at the setting sun]
"By night one way, by day another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
Shrek [She backs up, and as the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.]
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
[Fiona smiles.] [Suddenly, Farquaad takes his revenge on Shrek and Fiona.]
Ugh! It’s DISGUSTING!!!! GUARDS!!!! GUARDS!!!! I ORDER YOU TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! NOW!!!! GET THEM!!!! GET THEM BOTH!!!!
[The guards run in and steal Fiona and Shrek from everyone. Shrek stops them.]
NO, NO! SHREK!
THIS HOCUS-POCUS ALTERS NOTHING!!!! THIS MARRIAGE IS BINDING, AND THAT MAKE ME KING!!!! SEE?!!? SEE?!!?
No, let go of me! Shrek!
Shrek No!
DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU MORONS!!!!
Shrek Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY WE MET!!!! I’LL SEE YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED!!! YOU’LL BEG FOR DEATH TO SAVE YOU!!!!
No, Shrek!
Shrek Fiona!
I’LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!!!! I AM KING!!!!
[Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.]
I WILL HAVE ORDER!!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!!! I WILL HAVE--
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. [The dragon roars.] I’M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!
[The dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.]
Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [as the congregation cheers.] Go ahead, Shrek.
Shrek Uh, Fiona?
Yes, Shrek?
Shrek I...I love you.
Really?
Shrek Really, really.
Congregation
[Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes ‘Awwww’ on the back and then shows it to the congregation.]
Aawww!
Whispers
[At last, the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted into the air, and she hovers there while the magic works around her.]
"Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form."
Shrek [Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide. She’s consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.] [going over to her]
Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
[standing up, she’s still]
Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
Shrek But you are beautiful.
[They smile at each other.]
I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into their wedding kiss.]
Shrek Hi everybody, and welcome to the Shrek in the Swamp Karaoke Dance Party. [turns on the radio] I'm gonna take things down a little bit with one of my personal favorites. (sings "The Way You Are")
Pig 1
[selecting "Play"]
Play the movie!
Pig 2
Ja!
Pig 3
Play!
Shrek [the pigs run into Shrek's outhouse, then the pig opens the door to black] [off screen]
No, no! No, no! Not there! Not there!
Other characters in Shrek
More Mike Myers characters
Austin Powers
Shrek
Wayne Campbell
Austin Powers
Charlie Mackenzie
Shrek
Austin Powers
The Cat in the Hat