Lord Farquaad [his first words]
That's enough! He's ready to talk.
Played by John Lithgow 
Shrek (2001) · 110 quotes
Shrek (2001) · 110 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Shrek (2001): in 12 of its 110 quotes
Most scenes with: Donkey (4), Shrek (4), Princess Fiona (3)
Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
More lines from Lord Farquaad
3 quotes Lord Farquaad Lord Farquaad Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him!
Lord Farquaad [his last words]
AND AS FOR YOU, MY WIFE! [Shrek: FIONA!] I'LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER, FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!! I AM KING!! [Shrek whistles for Dragon.] I WILL HAVE ORDER!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!! I WILL HAVE-- [Dragon and Donkey enter the cathedral to stop Farquaad and Dragon eats Farquaad alive.] AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Scenes with Lord Farquaad
8 scenes Lord Farquaad Run, run, run, as you fast as you can; you can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingy
You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad I'm not the monster here, you are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now tell me! Where are the others?
Gingy
Eat me! [spits]
Lord Farquaad [grunts]
I've tried to be fair with you creatures, but now my patience has reached its end! TELL ME, OR I'LL ---
Gingy
No, not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad All right, then, who's hiding them?!
Gingy
Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man?
Lord Farquaad The muffin man?
Gingy
The muffin man.
Lord Farquaad Yes, I know the muffin man. W-Who lives down Drury Lane?
Gingy
Well, she's married to the muffin man...
Lord Farquaad The muffin man?
Gingy
The muffin man!
Lord Farquaad She's married to the muffin man...
Lord Farquaad [upon seeing Shrek]
What is that? Urgh, it's hideous!
Well that's not very nice. [looks at Donkey] It's just a donkey.
Gingerbread Man
[A masked man named Thelonious is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. A prince named Lord Farquaad puts his gloves on and walks in] [Off-screen]
No! [makes mumbling noises when trying to talk in the milk]
Lord Farquaad [his first words]
That's enough! He's ready to talk. [puts him down; Farquaad laughs, then signals for the table to lower] Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me, I'm the Gingerbread Man!
Gingerbread Man
[angrily]
You're a monster.
Lord Farquaad I'm not the monster here! You think. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world.NOW TELL ME! WHERE ARE THE OTHERS?!
Gingerbread Man
Eat me! [spits at Farquaad]
Lord Farquaad [grunts]
I've tried to be fair with your creatures, but now my patience has reached its END!!!! TELL ME, OR I'LL--!!
Gingerbread Man
[Farquaad reaches to touch one of Gingerbread Man's buttons]
No! Not the buttons! Not my gumdrop buttons!
Lord Farquaad ALL RIGHT, FINE, THEN, WHO'S HIDING THEM?!
Gingerbread Man
Okay! I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man?
Lord Farquaad The Muffin Man?
Gingerbread Man
The Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad Yes. I know the Muffin Man. Who-who lives on Drury Lane?
Gingerbread Man
Well, she's married to the Muffin Man.
Lord Farquaad THE MUFFIN MAN?!
Gingerbread Man
THE MUFFIN MAN!
Lord Farquaad She's married to the Muffin Man.
Captain of the Guard
[his last words]
My lord! We found it.
Lord Farquaad Well, then what are you waiting for? Bring it in.
Gingerbread Man
[Guards hang a shrouded figure from a chain. They pull the cover off, revealing an ornate, full-sized mirror. A terrified face appears in the mirror]
Ohhh...
Lord Farquaad Magic Mirror.
Gingerbread Man
Don't tell him anything! [Farquaad drops him in the trash can] No!
Lord Farquaad Evening. Mirror, mirror, on the wall, is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all?
Magic Mirror
Well, technically, You're not a king.
Lord Farquaad Uh, Thelonious? [Thelonious the executioner smashes a small looking glass] You were saying?
Magic Mirror
[nervous]
What I mean is, you're not a king yet! But you can become one! All you have to do is marry a princess.
Lord Farquaad ...Go on.
[Shrek and Donkey flex triumphantly for the ecstatic crowd as Farquaad watches on, intrigued.]
Oh, yeah! Ah, ah! Thank you! Thank you very much. I'm here 'til Thursday, try the veal. [laughs]
Guard
[The crowd laughter stops as all of the guards turn with they weapons on Shrek]
Shall I give the order, sir?
Lord Farquaad No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion!
What?
Lord Farquaad Congratulations, ogre. You've won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest.
Lord Farquaad [The camera pans over a lot of throne room stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. The music fades out.]
Again, show me again. [The mirror rewinds the picture] Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess.
Magic Mirror
Hmph.
Lord Farquaad [The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.]
Ah. Perfect.
[Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror.]
[Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.]
I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. [she quickly runs to the door and goes outside] Shrek! Shrek, there’s something I want...
[Fiona looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky, she turns back into a human. Just as she looks back at the sun, she sees Shrek stomping towards her.]
Shrek. Are you all right?
Perfect! Never been better.
I...I don’t...There’s something I have to tell you.
You don’t have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night.
You heard what I said?
Every word.
I thought you’d understand.
Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?"
But I thought that wouldn’t matter to you.
Yeah? Well, it does. [Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.] Ah, right on time. Princess, I’ve brought you a little something.
[Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he’s only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by.]
What’d I miss? What’d I miss? [he spots the soldiers, mumbling to himself.] Who said that? Couldn’t have been the Donkey.
Lord Farquaad Princess Fiona.
As promised. Now hand it over.
Lord Farquaad Very well, ogre. [holds out a piece of paper] The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. [Shrek takes the paper] Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad.
Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. [Farquaad snaps his fingers] Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... [Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.] farewell.
Lord Farquaad Oh, that is so sweet. You don’t have to waste good manners on the ogre. It’s not like it has feelings.
No, you’re right. It doesn’t.
Lord Farquaad [Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face.]
Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom?
Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make...
Lord Farquaad [interrupting]
Excellent! I’ll start the plans; for tomorrow we wed!
No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let’s get married today before the sun sets.
Lord Farquaad Oh, anxious, are we? You’re right. The sooner, the better. There’s so much to do! There’s the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! [A guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse]
Fare-thee-well, ogre.
[Farquaad’s whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go.]
Shrek, what are you doing? You’re letting her get away.
Yeah? So what?
Shrek, there’s something about her you don’t know. Look, I talked to her last night. She’s....
I know you talked to her last night. You’re great pals, aren’t ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don’t you follow her home?
Shrek, I...I wanna go with you.
I told you, didn’t I? You’re not coming home with me. [to himself] I live alone! My swamp! Me! [to Donkey] Nobody else! Understand? [to himself] Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking Donkeys!
But I thought...
Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong. [stomps off]
Shrek?
[John Cale: "Hallelujah"] [Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone.]
Bishop
[Fiona watches Farquaad get to become a new king. The whole tower is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says ‘Reverend Silence’.]
People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union...
Bishop
...of your new king.
Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do’s"?
Lord Farquaad [chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona]
Go on.
Shrek.
Lord Farquaad [The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek.]
Oh, now what does he want?
[to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church]
Hi, everyone. Havin’ a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean.
What are you doing here?
Lord Farquaad Really, it’s rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding!
Fiona! I need to talk to you.
Oh, now you wanna talk? Well, it’s a little late for that, so if you’ll excuse me--
But you can’t marry him.
And why not?
Because-- Because he’s just marrying you so he can be king.
Lord Farquaad Outrageous! Fiona, don’t mind me.
He’s not your true love.
And what do you know about true love?
Well, I...Uh...I mean...
Lord Farquaad Oh, this is precious. The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. [laughs]
Lord Farquaad [The prompter card men holds up a card that says ‘Laugh’. The whole congregation laughs.]
An ogre and a princess!
Shrek, is this true?
Lord Farquaad Who cares?! It’s preposterous! Fiona, my love, we’re about a kiss away from your "happily ever after." Now kiss me! [puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.]
[looking at the setting sun]
"By night one way, by day another." [to Shrek] I wanted to show you before.
[She backs up, and as the sun sets, she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile.]
Well, uh, that explains a lot.
Lord Farquaad [Fiona smiles.] [Suddenly, Farquaad takes his revenge on Shrek and Fiona.]
Ugh! It’s DISGUSTING!!!! GUARDS!!!! GUARDS!!!! I ORDER YOU TO GET THAT OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!! NOW!!!! GET THEM!!!! GET THEM BOTH!!!!
[The guards run in and steal Fiona and Shrek from everyone. Shrek stops them.]
NO, NO! SHREK!
Lord Farquaad THIS HOCUS-POCUS ALTERS NOTHING!!!! THIS MARRIAGE IS BINDING, AND THAT MAKE ME KING!!!! SEE?!!? SEE?!!?
No, let go of me! Shrek!
No!
Lord Farquaad DON’T JUST STAND THERE, YOU MORONS!!!!
Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh!
Lord Farquaad I’LL MAKE YOU REGRET THE DAY WE MET!!!! I’LL SEE YOU DRAWN AND QUARTERED!!! YOU’LL BEG FOR DEATH TO SAVE YOU!!!!
No, Shrek!
Lord Farquaad [hold a dagger to Fiona’s throat for his revenge.]
AND AS FOR YOU, MY WIFE!!!!
Fiona!
Lord Farquaad I’LL HAVE YOU LOCKED BACK IN THAT TOWER FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAYS!!!! I AM KING!!!!
Lord Farquaad [Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles.]
I WILL HAVE ORDER!!!! I WILL HAVE PERFECTION!!!! I WILL HAVE--
Lord Farquaad [Donkey and the dragon stop Farquaad just in time.]
AAAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I’m not afraid to use it. [The dragon roars.] I’M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!
[The dragon belches and Farquaad’s crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground.]
Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? [as the congregation cheers.] Go ahead, Shrek.
Uh, Fiona?
Yes, Shrek?
I...I love you.
Really?
Really, really.
Congregation
[Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes ‘Awwww’ on the back and then shows it to the congregation.]
Aawww!
Whispers
[At last, the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She’s lifted into the air, and she hovers there while the magic works around her.]
"Until you find true love’s first kiss and then take love’s true form. Take love’s true form. Take love’s true form."
[Suddenly Fiona’s eyes open wide. She’s consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground.] [going over to her]
Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right?
[standing up, she’s still]
Well, yes. But I don’t understand. I’m supposed to be beautiful.
But you are beautiful.
[They smile at each other.]
I was hoping this would be a happy ending.
[Shrek and Fiona kiss…and the kiss fades into their wedding kiss.]
Other characters in Shrek
More John Lithgow characters
Lord John Whorfin
Rev. Shaw Moore
B.Z.
Eric Qualen
Charles Rodman
Roberta Muldoon
Dr. Walter Curnow
John Valentine