[first lines; narrates his storybook]

Once upon a time, there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort, which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but none prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep, in the highest room of the tallest tower, for her true love and true love's first kiss. [laughs] Like that's ever gonna happen! What a load of...
[We see an outhouse and hear the sound of a toilet flushing. Steve Harwell music playing a song All Star. Out steps Shrek, an ogre, who tugs at his underwear and shakes his foot off the page, still stuck to his shoe. He looks lovingly at the swamp he calls home and goes about his daily routine, which is taking a mud shower, brushing his teeth with bugs, bathing in a muddy pond, gathering giant slugs for dinner, and painting a warning sign.]