Austin Powers in Goldmember 2002 quotes

From the Movie Austinpussy:

Austin (Tom Cruise)

Yeah Baby!

Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow)

Hi I'm Dixie, Dixie Normous. I may just be a small town FBI agent slash single mother, but I'm still tough, and sexy.

Austin (Tom Cruise)

Well Miss Normous, shall we shag now, or shag later?

Dixie (Gwyneth Paltrow)

Oh Austin, Behave!

Hey, Powers! You better watch your frigging self because this is one doctor who does make house-calls. Right, mini-me?

Mini-me (Danny Devito)

Hey, assholes! I'm right over here! I'm Mini-me! Come and get me! (fires an automatic assault rifle in the air)

Goldmember (John Travolta)

Hah-hey, assholes! Do I have time for a last shmoke and a pancake or what? I am from Holland, isn't that a we-e-eird?

And Cut! That's a cut everybody!

Steven Spielberg

So Austin, what did you think of the opening credits?

Austin

Well, I can't believe Sir Steven Spielberg, the grooviest filmmaker in the history of ciniema is making a mooovie about my life..very shagadelic baby, yeah! (laughs) Having said that, I do have some thoughts.

Steven Spielberg

Really, (Holds up an Oscar) my friend here - he thinks it's fine the way it is.

Austin

Well no offense sir Stevie, but you've gotta have mojo baby, yeah! Hit it!
(Austin Powers Theme begins)

Austin Powers

Mole!

Oh, shut up!

Austin Powers

Moley, moley, moley, moley, moley!

Austin Powers

Mr. Roboto is lying to us.

Foxxy Cleopatra

Tell me something I don't know.

Austin Powers

I open-mouth kissed a horse once.

Foxxy Cleopatra

Say what?

Austin Powers

That's something you don't know.

Austin

You really are a Fat Bastard!

Fat Bastard

You know, that hurts my feelings. I tried going on a diet. "The Zone", you know, "carbs are the enemy, and... [mumbles; notices Foxxy] Hey, who's your friend? Oh, I'd like to have a go with that filly. Do you find me sexy? [rubs his breasts erotically] Oh look at my titties! [moans]

Foxxy

Shut yo mouth!
[Fat Bastard spins and poses grossly]

Austin

Excellent Basil, we've been trying for years to get a mole into Dr. Evil's lair, we know have that mole.

: Yes! Ah, and here he is.

Austin

So you're the (zoom up on the mole's mole) mo-o-ole, mo-o-o-le...

Foxxy

and Austin: Mo-ost, most, most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Austin

Yes, most excellent agent we've ever seen.

Foxxy

Mm-hmmm

Austin

Thank you.

Thank you. Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location, but I did learn that Dr. Evil has moved to a new lair outside of Tokyo Japan......By the way, I realize that I have a large mole on my face.

Austin

Where??? (nervously laughs) What? Where's that mole? I... didn't see one.

I also realize the irony that I am myself a mole.

Austin

No one would make that connection.

Anyway, well done, old chap. Jolly good work.

Austin

Yes, nice to mole you--meet you! Nice to meet your mole! Don't say mole.

Foxxy

Stop.

Austin

I said mole.

Foxxy

Stop!

Bye.

Austin

Mole.

Austin

Mo-ole... (Basil raises index finger, face indicating "that's enough.") Mole!

Oh, shut up!

Austin

Moley-moley-moley-moley-moley!

Austin

Listen, dad, if you are are going to say naughty things in front of these American girls then at least speak English English.

Nigel

All right, my son: I could've had it away with this cracking Julie, my old China. (Subtitle: I was about to make love to this pretty girl.)

Austin

Are you telling a bunch pork-pies and a bag of trout? Because if you are feeling quigly, why not just have a J. Arthur? (Is this true? If you were aroused, why didn't you pleasure yourself?)

Nigel

What, billy no mates? (What, alone?)

Austin

Too right, youth. (Indeed.)

Nigel

Don't you remember the crimbo din-din we had with the grotty Scots bint? (Remember Christmas dinner with the Scottish girl?)

Austin

Oh, the one that was all sixes and sevens! (The insane one?)

Nigel

Yeah, yeah, she was the trouble and strife of the Morris dancer what lived up the apples and pears! (She was the wife of the dancer who lived upstairs.)

Austin

She was the barrister what become a bobby in a lorry and... (A lawyer who became a policeman in a truck) [complete gibberish] (????????)...

Austin & Nigel

--tea kettle!

Nigel

And then, and then--

Austin & Nigel

She shat on a turtle!

Austin

You're insane, Goldmember.

Goldmember

And that's the way, uh huh, uh huh, I like it. [mutters] KC and the Sunshine Band.

Nigel

All right Goldmember. Don't play the laughing boy. There's only two things I hate in this world: people who are intolerant of other people's cultures and the Dutch.

Goldmember

What? Take the fahza away! [the girls grab Nigel] Dutch hater. And now, it is time to say goodbye. Dr. Evil's orders. Which, for you, is Bad News Bears. [mutters] Walter Matthau.

Dr. Evil

Lower the globe.

Lower the globe! [Goldmember flinches, the globe falls onto Dr. Evil's head]

Dr. Evil

Oww! Ow!

Goldmember

Scheiße!

Dr. Evil

Well, congratulations, numb-nuts! You've succeeded in turning me into a frickin'g jack-in-the-box! Get it off! Get it off! It's dark, it's dark! [Number 2 pulls the globe off Dr. Evil's head.] Okay! I'm okay. [Goldmember chuckles] Release the meteor.

Release the meteor! [Mini-me swings a gold meteor model into Dr. Evil's groin]

Dr. Evil

Ohh! Oh! Ohh, ohh, no way!

Goldmember

Right in the kniggin!

Dr. Evil

God damn it! Oh! Guys! [to Mini-me who shrugs afterwards] Way to go, a-hole! Everyone, just let me find my balls here, for God's sake... 1, 2, and 3. Okay, they're all there. I'm okay, I'm okay.

Dr. Evil

Quid pro quo.

Austin Powers

Yes, squid pro row.

Dr. Evil

Get me the World Organization!

What is it, Dr. Evil?
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, in a matter of hours a meteor will crash into Earth causing a global flood. That is of course unless you pay me...One billion, gajillion, fifillion, shabadoodloo, lemillron, shoing, koishilly, million...Yen.

Dr. Evil

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen! [nobody laughs] Nothing? Not even a titter? Tough sub...

Dr. Evil

Our early attempts at a tractor beam went through several preparations. Preparations A through G were a complete failure. But now, ladies and gentlemen, we finally have a working tractor beam, which we shall call... Preparation H!!
Scott laughs.

Dr. Evil

What?

Scott

Why don't you just call it Operation Ass Cream, ass?

Dr. Evil

I-I'm sorry, did you want some ice cream?

Scott

Yes, I'd love some chocolate ass cream.

Dr. Evil

Perhaps later.

Number Two

Dr. Evil, I love your plan.

Dr. Evil

Yah, eh?

Ja, Doctor. It's a really good plan.

Dr. Evil

Yes Frau, on the whole, I think Preparation H feels good.
Scott starts chuckling uncontrollably.

Dr. Evil

What is it now?

Scott

No, nothin'. You know what, I agree. Preparation H does feel good...on the hole.

Dr. Evil

Well, I'm glad were sprechen sie the same lingidy... yah. Ladies and Gentlemen, using my time machine, I shall travel back to 1975, pick up Goldmember, and bring him back to the future. And the best part of the plan is, no one can stop me...not even... Austin Powers. Muh-huh-huh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Others (except Scott)

Huh-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Austin Powers

Not so fast.
Several British SAS forces storm the room.

Austin Powers

You're surrounded, Dr. Evil.

Dr. Evil

Shit.

Fat Bastard

Hey Powers!

Austin

Fat Bastard? But you're not fat anymore.

Fat Bastard

I went on the Subway diet. Y'know, just like Jared. I've lost 180 pounds.

Austin

Congratulations, baby.

Fat Bastard

Thank you. I do have a little bit of excess skin, though. Bit of a problem here, you know. And unfortunately, my neck does look like a vagina.

Fat Bastard

Well to be honest with you, I've been trying to go legit. I really take my sumo wrestling seriously, you know. But when you're an overweight child, in a society that demands perfection, your sense of right and wrong, fair and unfair, will always be tragically skewed. [beat; farts]

Austin

Did you just soil yourself?!

Fat Bastard

Maybe. It did sound a little wet, there didn't it? Right at the end! Oooh! Heh heh heh. Let's have a smell, all right? Hmmm, wafting, wafting. Oh, everyone likes their own brand, don't they? Oh, this is magic! Alright, analysis. Ooh, smells like carrots in throw-up! Oh that could gag a maggot! I smell like hot sick ass in a dead carcass! Ooh, even stink would say that stinks! You know when you go into an apartment building and you smell the other people's cooking on each floor and you go "What are they cookin'?" That, plus crap!