Craig Robinson movie quotes

View Quote (after killing Budlofsky, for not having given him a chance to kill Saul) I knew you gone soft. Dinner's gonna be cold tonight, asshole!

View Quote I seent you pull somebody jaw bone off! I seent it.

View Quote The foods still warm, love it.

View Quote I'm having a baby! Is there a doctor, or perhaps several security guards that can leave their posts and help me?

View Quote Oh, stop, you're making me blush.

View Quote Man... my tummy is rumbling like a kraken right now.

View Quote Jay Baruchel: Guys, listen listen. I think we need to address the elephant in the room.
Seth Rogen: Whoa, Jay, don't talk about Craig like that.
Craig Robinson: That's **** up. I'm right here man.
Jay Baruchel: I'm not calling Craig an elephant.
James Franco: That's racist.

View Quote Danny McBride: You stupid. Stupid mother...!
[nearly shoots James, Jonah, Jay, Seth and Craig numerous times which causes them to get scared to death]
James Franco: **** psychopath. It's a prop gun! What, do you think I'd put real bullets in here?
Danny McBride: You were gonna send me out there with a **** gun filled with blanks?
Seth Rogen: Oh, **** you! Don't turn this around on us. You tried to shoot us, you **** dickhead!
James Franco: **** murdering mother****er!
Danny McBride: Whatever. **** civilization is broken down. There's no more reason for this false bullshit. You guys act like you're so **** high and mighty like you've never made a goddamn mistake before. Franco, you're some pretentious **** nerd.
James Franco: **** you.
Danny McBride: Jonah... you **** ****. [Jonah glares at him offensively] Craig... you didn't have my back back there. You **** disappoint me.
Craig Robinson: Bro.
Danny McBride: Seth... you duplicitous taint.
Seth Rogen: What?
Danny McBride: And of course, there's Jay... the self-righteous, ****-sucking, two-faced backstabber.
Jay Baruchel: What the **** are you talking about?
Danny McBride: I overheard your little conversation with Craig, alright? The only reason why you care about any of us is because you think that's what God wants you to do. You don't give a shit about us.
Jay Baruchel: No, no, no. That-that's **** twisting that shit around, you're **** lying.
Danny McBride: Am I twisting this? I believe you were in Los Angeles two months ago at the four seasons. I saw you there, and you specifically asked me not to tell Seth, so you could maintain the illusion that you always stay with Seth when you're in Los Angeles.
Craig Robinson: Ooh! Jay.
Seth Rogen: ****, man.
Danny McBride: It's not, it's textbook twattage. [opens his hands like a book and closes them] And just for the record, you guys. I'm choosing to leave. You're not kicking me out. You guys had already said that I could come back in, and I'm the one who said that I'm not coming back. Don't be cocky.
[backs out of the double doors]

View Quote Craig Robinson: Hey, hey, no, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?!
Danny McBride: What am I doing? [Danny pours his glass with water as the others exclaim]
Seth Rogen: ****, man!
Danny McBride: What? I'm just pouring myself another glass of water to wash down that dry-ass Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
James Franco: That's very nice, but you can't just pour yourself another glass of water, man, will you cut it out?!
Seth Rogen: Yeah, we agreed to one glass at dinner. We voted on it, man.
Danny McBride: Well, man, I'm just getting sick and tired of all these **** rules, man. You don't see me putting rules on you guys.
James Franco: You cannot have another glass of water.
Danny McBride: Jay weighs 150 pounds less than me. Why the **** is it fair that him and I should drink the same amount of water? We should be dividing our rations based on our proportionate size.
Jonah Hill: I don't wanna come off as a diva here or anything. It's just that I think everyone should split everything equally.
Danny McBride: [mimicking Jonah] "I just think that everybody should have the **** same, I have a goddamn earring." SHUT THE **** UP, JONAH!
James Franco: You know what, Danny, if you weren't jizzing all the time, maybe you'd be more hydrated.
Danny McBride: You're making me into a joke right now, Franco, and you are not gonna like the ****in' punch line.
James Franco: No more jerking off, no more water, just sit the **** down!
Danny McBride: Okay, I'm done. We're not gonna have any more water.
Seth Rogen: Good.
James Franco: Alright.
[Danny then grabs and pours the entire water gallon on himself which causes the others to come up to him and fight over the gallon]
Danny McBride: YOU GUYS MADE THIS HAPPEN, YOU GUYS FORCED MY **** HAND BY GANGING UP ON ME!
James Franco: [aims his revolver at Danny] GODDAMMIT, I'M GONNA **** KILL THIS MOTHER****ER!
[Danny sticks the revolver in his mouth, allowing James to shoot him but he throws it away]
Danny McBride: That's what I thought. Nerd.

View Quote Brogan: Where's Fiona's signal?
Gretched: What she waiting for?
Cookie: He's going to get away!
Brogan: No, He's not.

View Quote [Donkey started sniffing the ground in the forest like a bloodhound, and to his surprise and happiness, he saw an unguarded plate of stacked waffles coated in syrup sitting on a stump.]
Donkey: Yeah! Waffles! And I thought the Waffle Fairy was just a bedtime story. [rushes up to plate] Sticky stacks of golden, syrupy deliciousness!
Shrek: Donkey! [Points Donkey] Don't eat that! [Donkey stopped and frowned.] There’s a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest. Don’t you find that a wee bit suspicious? [Donkey trying to take a little nibble of the waffles, but Shrek kept protesting against it.] I’m just... What are you...? Bad Donkey! Mustn't--I said, don’t! Don't! No! Get away from it! [Donkey extended his tongue out and licked the dripping syrup of the waffles.] You did.
[Then, without warning, the plate flung the waffles onto a tree. Donkey quickly realized it was a trap.]
Donkey: Uh-oh.
[The stump flipped open like a lid and looked at the hole, rather confused because it didn't seem like an effective trap to him. However, that was not the full trap. Shrek glanced around, seeing hidden pulleys and counterweights turning, and then a log came swinging out in the direction of the two.]
Shrek: [ducks] Look out!
[But Donkey didn't duck in time, as he got hit in the end by the log, sending him into the hole. The ogre ran up to the hole, lifted the lid, seeing Donkey lying there.]
Shrek: Donkey! Are you OK?
Donkey: I'm fine. [But then his hooves got snagged by a rope trap and he was yanked away, screaming.]
Shrek: Donkey. [leaped into the hole and saw it led to a tunnel, and because it was small to walk through, he had to army crawl through it.]
Donkey: Help! Help me! Help, Shrek! Help!
[Then he came out through the other end, pushing the roots, and when getting up, he was awestruck at where he was. He was in some hidden camp with ogres like him roaming about, carrying stuff and doing chores. He wandered around in amazement, looking at the sights, making him grin a bit. A blacksmith ogre was sharpening a tool, and a female ogre was carrying an anvil of some sort. As Shrek kept wandering, two ogres carrying a log were coming from behind him.]
Ogre #1: Watch your head.
[He then ducked, letting the two ogres lift the log over him. Then three ogres, including a female one named Gretched, came around him.]
Ogre #2: Hey, it's a new guy!
Ogre #3: Look at him, all dressed up in his Sunday vest.
Gretched: He's really tiny, isn’t he?
Ogre #2: Yeah.
[Then, a slender ogre taller than Shrek, Brogan, came behind our main ogre, putting his arm around him.]
Brogan: Fate has delivered us a comrade-in-arms and for that, we are thankful. Suit him up!
[The other ogres then took Shrek to get suited up.]
Ogre #3: Let's go, greenie.
Shrek: Now, wait a minute! [He was placed in an armored vest, along with some wrist bands, and a helmet. One ogre smacked him in the rear to get him going.] Hey!
Brogan: Here you go.
[An axe was tossed into Shrek's arms, which Shrek luckily caught. Three ogres each threw an axe at three different dummies wearing witches' clothes. One ogre even tackled a witch dummy and brawled with it. Shrek]
Brogan: Welcome to the resistance.
Shrek: [confused] Resistance?
Brogan: [puts arm around Shrek] We fight for freedom and ogres everywhere! [He then held his nose and started blowing a horn-like sound through his ears, and then all the other ogres held their noses and blew through their ears. When the blowing was done, the resistance ogres hooted and laughed while Shrek was even more stunned than already.]
Shrek: [about soldiers using their horn] I didn't know we could do that.
Donkey: Help! You can't eat me! I got the mange! I'm poisonous! I'm all poi...
Shrek: I'll take him! This order's to go.
Cookie: Hey! I haven't removed his giblets yet.
Shrek: Trust me, you don't wanna eat this one.
Donkey: I go down smooth, but come out fighting!
Shrek: Let go!
Cookie: Don't make Papa mad.
Shrek: Your dinner is my friend!
Brogan: Come on, guys!
Cookie: I got to get the giblets out!
Ogres: She's back. [Shrek turned and saw a figure arriving on the hill, who was clad in a helmet and armor, and holding an axe in her hand. She removed her helmet and revealed herself to be none other than Fiona (in ogre form). She stood there, with the wind blowing her hair, giving it a dramatic flair. When Shrek saw her, he grinned with such relief.]
Shrek: [happily] Fiona! [hands axe to one of the ogres, begins running up to her, Fiona spots him] I'm so happy I found you!
[Fiona kicks him in the jaw and sends him flying, yelling in slow motion, before crashing to the ground. The ogres winced, while some couldn't help but chuckle a bit. The groaning Shrek got up.]
Princess Fiona: [walked up to him, handing her axe to Gretched.] Maybe you missed orientation, [her helmet to Brogan.] but for future reference, personal space is very important to me.
[Shrek looked very worried at her]
Shrek: [confused] You don't know who I am, do you?
Princess Fiona: No. [to Brogan] Brogan, I have news from Far Far Away. Gather the others and meet me in the war room. [Brogan agreed]
Shrek: [pleaded] Fiona.
Princess Fiona: [to Gretched] Gretched, make sure everyone is prepared to move out tonight.
Shrek: I need to talk to you.
Princess Fiona: [turns on Shrek, annoyed] What is it?!
Shrek: [calmly] OK, I know you don’t remember me, but... we’re married. [Needless to say, Fiona gave a confused look as he recapped the incident at the birthday party.] Hear me out. And at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks, [As he explained and tried making it sound as believable as he could, Brogan and Gretched were equally as confused as Fiona.] and this boy kept saying, [as Butterpants] "Do the roar. Do the roar." Then I punched the cakes that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole. [Needless to say as well, pretty much all ogres were completely dumbstruck, and so was Donkey.] Right? Who’s with me?
Princess Fiona: Wow, [chuckles a bit] I guess I must have kicked him harder than I thought.
[The ogres in the resistance laughed a bit.]
Shrek: [pleading] Fiona, I need to...
[But Fiona held his hand up, as a lookout ogre was perched on a lookout, making "caw" sounds.]
Princess Fiona: Witches! All right, everyone, you know the drill! [She and the other ogres [except Shrek] went to their battle stations.]
Shrek: Fiona!
Donkey: Witches! Oh, no! Witches! Witches!
Shrek: [grabbed Donkey and the sticks he was still attached to.] Come on, now.
[Some ogres quickly cut ropes to seal the large hiding holes and dropped sandbags to extinguish the fires. They secured weapons in a net and a few concealed themselves in a hole underground. Others, wearing rocks and plants on their heads, submerged in the swamp water, while Fiona, Brogan, and the remaining ogres, disguised with bushes, crouched around Shrek’s hiding spot. Shrek covered the whimpering Donkey’s mouth as three witches flew overhead on broomsticks. The lead witch glanced down but saw no ogres or camp, then sneered and flew off to Rumpelstiltskin's castle. Once they left, the ogres emerged from hiding and murmured as they returned to their posts.]
Brogan: Fiona, that's the third patrol today. We can’t hide forever.
Princess Fiona: Trust me, Brogan. After tonight, we won’t have to.
[Shrek and Donkey just sat where they were.]
Donkey: [to Shrek] That's your wife?
Shrek: That’s my wife.
Donkey: Well, I see who wears the chainmail in your family! [Shrek gave a weird look at him.]

View Quote [Back at the palace, the three pigs were busy taking care of Fifi, and they were disgusted with doing so. Heimlich was in charge of scrubbing the goose's teeth (yes, geese don't normally have teeth, but this one does apparently), Horst was in charge of trimming her toenails, and Dieter was in charge of scrubbing her with a big soap brush, and he plunged the brush into the suds bowl in annoyance. Rumpelstiltskin came over to his giant pet and cuddled her by the head.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Daddy thinks you look real nice, Fifi. Honk. [to the Three Pigs] All right, Piggies, be gone! Don’t forget to take her little potty box with you. [Dieter and Heimlich then carried the potty box away in disgust, with Horst following and spraying some perfume to drown any odours. Fifi then snipped Horst in the curly tail, making him yelp.]
Horst: [whines] This little piggy wants to go home! [pigs gone]
Griselda: [came running in] Mr. Stiltskin! He’s here.
Rumpelstiltskin [sat back on his throne with a couple of other witches at his side.] Nice. [The bounty hunter then came in through the doors, playing a flute, and he was approaching the throne, but not using his arms and legs to do so. Instead, he used a magic flute to make a small pack of mice carry him all the way on their backs. Once the bounty hunter was revealed in front of the dictator and witches, the mice scampered off. He was, in fact, the Pied Piper.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Pied Piper. How was your commute? [Instead of speaking, the piper communicated by playing a few notes.]
Rumpelstiltskin: Good.
Griselda: [scoffs] You call this guy a bounty hunter? What’s he gonna do, [motions flute playing] flute those ogres a lullaby? [She and the other three witches chortled, while Rumpelstiltskin gave a nod to the piper, who nodded back, and then he turned the setting on the end of his flute from mouse to duck to witch. He then started playing a new song on the flute while beatboxing, and to the surprise of the witches, Griselda's arms began moving by themselves. Then she yelped as she started involuntarily breakdancing to the song, which is "Sure Shot" by the Beastie Boys, and the other two witches involuntarily got up and started dancing against their will as well, yelling in alarm.] OK, got it! Make it stop! [Rumpelstiltskin just laughed at this, enjoying it. The dancing and song lasted for a bit before the dictator got up, waving his arms.]
Rumpelstiltskin: All right, that’s enough. [With that, the witches' dancing halted, ending with involuntary dancer poses as the three panted, and the piper ended his tune. he gave an evil look.] Looks like it’s time to pay the piper. [The witches still stood where they were.] Griselda, seriously, it’s time to pay the piper. Now go get my chequebook! [The two witches left and Griselda got up to get the checkbook, but the impatient he kicked her rear.] Go! Move! Get out! Things are getting real sloppy around here! [The piper then switched the setting from witch to unicorn to his commissioned setting: ogre. Cut into the ???]
Cookie: ??? [???]
Ogre #1: ???

View Quote Zack Brown: Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
Delaney: Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
Miriam Linky: Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
Delaney: On the other hand, **** my wife.

View Quote Customer: Can I get a coffee, black?
Delaney: Can't you see we talking, white?

View Quote Delaney: What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!

View Quote I know. You’re right. I'm so sorry. I ****in' hate this job. I don't wanna be the one to pass judgement, decide who gets in. Shit makes me sick to my stomach, I get the runs from the stress. It's not cause you're not hot, I would love to tap that ass. I would tear that ass up. I can't let you in cause you're old as ****. For this club, you know, not for the earth.

View Quote You old, she pregnant...can't have a buncha old, pregnant bitches running around. That's crazy. I'm only allowed to let in 5% black people. He said that, that means if there’s 25 people here I get to let in 1 1/4 black people. So I gotta hope there’s a black midget in the crowd.

View Quote I can't be letting your old ass in here. Why don't you go do some yoga and shit.