Brandon [To Bobby]
I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain...of gayness.
Zack Brown
Seth Rogen · 20 quotes
Miriam Linky
Elizabeth Banks · 9 quotes
Delaney
Craig Robinson · 4 quotes
Lester
Jason Mewes · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Zack Brown & Miriam Linky (9), Zack Brown & Delaney (2), Zack Brown & Lester (2)
Zack and Miri Make a Porno quotes
Page 1 of 2 Brandon
Customer
Can I get a coffee, black?
Can't you see we talking, white?
Deacon [After getting covered in Stacey's feces during an anal sex scene]
Can you believe this shit?! That chick frosted me like I was a **** cake!
What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!
Mr. Surya I hate you ebony and ivory mother****ers!
Brandon here is the star of such adult films as...what was that one called again?
Brandon St. Randy You Better Shut Your Mouth or I'm Gonna **** It.
Oh, yeah... surprised I forgot that.
Brandon [of Miri's outfit]
In L.A., we call that "Nickelodeon chic".
Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?
Brandon I'm an actor.
Wow! That's really impressive.
Brandon Thank you.
**** movies!
Brandon **** movies. Pretty much.
Look at you! Anything I would have seen? What movies?
Brandon Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.
All male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross, like that?
Brandon Like "Glen and Gary Suck Ross's Meaty **** and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth".
Brandon Sort of. It's a re-imagining.
Oh, like The Wiz.
Brandon More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.
I apologize in advance if I am outta line here, but are you in gay porn?
Brandon [smiles]
Guilty as charged.
Hey Stacey. You like dogs?
Stacey Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.
Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.
Stacey Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part.
Cool. Well, see ya.
Stacey Bye.
I even tried to talk her into givin' me the ****in' Dutch Rudder . . . shot me down on that, too.
And a Dutch Rudder is . . . ?
You don't know what a Dutch Rudder— All right, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm— I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm . . . Now work it. Work my arm. See that shit? Now work it up and down. See that? See, it's like somebody else is jerking you off. And of course, there's the Double Dutch Rudder . . . which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm. Same time! Same time. It's like jerkin' off together, but not gay. [Shakes head.] We're not touchin' dicks! Each other's dicks, anyway; I'm touchin' my own dick. You're workin' it, and I'm lovin' it. It feels good, sir . . . Try me! C'mon!
Nobody wants to see us ****, Zack!
EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY ****. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting **** stupid", I'd be like "Why the **** aren't we watching that right now?"
So... I guess we should do this.
I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.
Stop it. You look good.
Thanks.
So... what about me? How do I look?
I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.
[grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth]
Okay! Let's go make a porno!
What happened to the water?
I guess they musta shut it off...
Help me get this shit outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!
There's poo in there...
The back part of the toilet!
Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.
Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.
Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.
On the other hand, **** my wife.
How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?
Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to jack it in our bathroom.
No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to **** it, like a filthy MacGyver!
I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.
The Dutch Rudder?
Yeah! It's ingenious, really.
If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.
Good. I'm getting tired of ****in' the Fleshlight.
Yeah.
What'd it feel like?
...**** a flashlight.