Clarke So, you're going to kill Cameron Diaz, eh? That girl is a menace to society, isn't she? **** her! [laughs, then looks at Laura] What? She's on my free pass list. Who's on yours?
Laura George.
Clarke This George?
Look out.
Laura Yeah.
Clarke Oh, well. Then I just want Cameron dead. Over her dead body.
Dr. Lars It's too early to know who's winning the fight: the medicine or the disease.
Did anybody ever tell you you have a scary accent?
Dr. Lars You are a very funny man. I enjoy your movies.
And I enjoy all of your movies.
Matthias is een platte gast.
Dr. Lars Which movies?
The ones where you try to kill Bruce Willis.
So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.
James Taylor **** Facebook!
Laura No cussing in your standup.
That takes out half of my act.
If you put "cue kitten" in the title of your YouTube video, you're going to get 1,000,000 hits. And then I link that to my website and you can see my stand-up on my website. It's genius.
Ira Why don't you call it, like, "Megan Fox Blows Someone"? And then more people would Google that.
Don't put me in this position where I have to **** my way out of a corner!
He'll do it too. I've seen him.
When my grandfather died, there was one candle next to his bed. And the candle started flickering. We all thought it was him going to Heaven, you know?
You don't pass through fire to get to Heaven. I think he went to Hell.
Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?
Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you **** talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's **** insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?
You son of a bitch! Why didn't you tell me George Simmons wanted us to write jokes for him?
