Adam Sandler movie quotes

View Quote Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.

View Quote Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.

View Quote Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! [He notices a gold swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop looking at me, swan!

View Quote Release the good. Release the awesome!

View Quote Get In The Flask!

View Quote Release the evil!

View Quote Welcome to Hotel Transylvania!

View Quote [sees Johnny] A human.

View Quote EVIL VILLAIN, YOU WILL NEVER WIN!

View Quote (opening a flask) Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. (he takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far) {the people viewing just shake their heads} I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.

View Quote (Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on) Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna (burping) BAAARF!

View Quote JENNIFER! JENNIFER! What's the matter with the way I live my life?! Huh, Jennifer?! Where are you?! At home, reading your baby boy a bedtime story, while he sucks his thumb and goes pee-pee on his blanket?! AW, HORSESHIT!!

View Quote Technical foul! Technical foul!

View Quote (in a seizure at the end of the film) This is the happiest seizure of my life.

View Quote What other options do you got, Rockefeller?!

View Quote You erased me from your memory because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life... but you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams and apparently, I'm the man of yours.

View Quote Shit on your pants??? - so did I

View Quote Sorry I'm not better looking.

View Quote [British kid: Who are you, mister?] Son, I'm just a loser who's good at old video games. [British kid: Well, thank God for that.]

View Quote We have something better than light cannons. We have a positive can-do attitude. [Q*Bert: Ah.] I'm kidding, we're all gonna die. I'm just... sorry.

View Quote I've been waiting to do this since 1982. [throws his hammer into Donkey Kong, destroying him]

View Quote Ma'am, you were just the victim of a New York City mugger. As I suspected, he was a coward and a weakling, and also wore more cologne than any man should wear.

View Quote Deeds: Crazy Eyes.
Crazy Eyes: Hey, Deeds.
Deeds: How you doin', pal? I got your pizza for you, just the way you like it.
Crazy Eyes: Oh, yes. French Fries and Oreos, you know me all too well, Deeds.

View Quote Deeds: Whoa, you kinda snuck up on me there...
Emilio: I am very very sneaky, sir.

View Quote Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.

View Quote We're living in a material world and I am a material girl...or boy

View Quote Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!

View Quote [tinkers with the remote while looking at the rearview mirror] You look like pale there, pal. Let me fix that. [changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain. [picks green] Grr.. Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr! [to purple] Oh, there's Barney. [spoof Barney theme] I love you, you love me. The jogger had giant boobies.

View Quote [after seeing his non-auto-pilot self yell at his father] You're pathetic.

View Quote [Morty reveals to Michael that he is an "angel of death" and that it was his father's time] You bastard. [loses control of his rage and tries to attack him, only to grab nothing and fall]

View Quote Lenny Feder: Hey, you showed up.
Frat Guy: Where do you work out, Cinnabon?
[kicks Lenny in the face with an aerial acrobatic kick]
[on the ground, looking up]
Lenny Feder: What were you raised by, ninjas?

View Quote Malcolm: Well, well, well, if it isn't Hollywood and the squares.
Lenny Feder: Hey, Malcolm, I didn't know you worked at K-Mart, and apparently, the hair on the top of your head didn't know it either.
Malcolm: Whaat?

View Quote Lenny Feder: Riding your bike to school in the morning, you couldn't do that in L.A.
Keithie Feder: Yeah, thank God there's nothing crazy ever happens around here.

View Quote I have no one. At least you two have each other. [Charlie kisses Ginger Timplemen, his mother-in-law, on her cheek and walks away]

View Quote Nobody has a right to look that good. She's just trouble for everybody.

View Quote You're a good husband Alan. You remind me of me.

View Quote I don't know if there is anything wrong because I don't know how other people are.

View Quote I didn't do anything. I'm a nice man. I mind my own business. So you tell me that's that before I beat the Hell from you.

View Quote I didn't ask for a shrink - that must've been somebody else. Also, that pudding isn't mine. Also, I'm wearing this suit today because I had a very important meeting this morning and I don't have a crying problem.

View Quote This is me! This is how I win.

View Quote I know. I know. Jews and colon cancer. What is that? I thought we were the chosen people.

View Quote I made a crazy risk. You gamble and it's about to pay off.

View Quote I like this, being inside the outside.

View Quote I like hair. It's pleasant. It's peaceful. No one gets hurt.

View Quote It's nice to have a little talk before the Bang-Boom.

View Quote [Chuck and Larry are being harassed by homophoic protestors]
Protestor: [to Chuck] ****!
Chuck: What did you call me?
Protestor: ****.
[Chuck punches the protestor out]
Chuck: The accepted vernacular is "gay"!

View Quote Chuck: What do you got?
Larry: Maxi Pads.
Chuck: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!

View Quote Larry: Domestic partnership.
Chuck: Domestic partnership? You mean like ****s?
Larry: No, I mean yeah. But no, not us. Obviously, just on paper.
Chuck: Paper ****s?
Larry: Well, the accepted vernacular is "gay"... but yes.

View Quote [apologizing to Jill] I'm sorry that you make everyone uncomfortable. I really am.

View Quote [to Jill] Don't forget your sweat shadow.

View Quote Jill: Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this.
[slaps herself]
Jack: I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder.
[slaps harder]
Jack: Little harder.
[slaps a little more harder]
Erin: No, Jill, stop it. He's kidding
Jill: What?
[Gary punches her, knocks her out of the chair]
Otto: Donkey fight!
Erin: Jill, are you okay?.
Jill: Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% percent connect.
Gary: Feel that, Daddy?
Jack: I... I actually did feel something, there. Pride in my son.
Jack: I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You gotta call him!
Jill: Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting the whole Funbucket fiasco.
Jack: No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you!
Jill: Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.

View Quote [to Jack] Why are you so afraid to admit that we are connected? Face it. We shared Mom's womb. We were womb-mates.

View Quote Jill: Oh, please! Tell me you don't feel this.
[slaps herself]
Jack: I didn't feel it. Maybe if you did it harder.
[slaps harder]
Jack: Little harder.
[slaps a little more harder]
Erin: No, Jill, stop it. He's kidding
Jill: What?
[Gary punches her, knocks her out of the chair]
Otto: Donkey fight!
Erin: Jill, are you okay?.
Jill: Yeah, no, I'm fine. Gary, that was... He didn't 100% percent connect.
Gary: Feel that, Daddy?
Jack: I... I actually did feel something, there. Pride in my son.
Jack: I can't believe this. This is insane, man! You gotta call him!
Jill: Oh, cool your buns. You know I'm still hurting the whole Funbucket fiasco.
Jack: No, but Pacino liked you! I swear to God, he really liked you!
Jill: Oh, will you stop already? You know all he wants to do is play Twister with your sister.

View Quote Al Pacino: Amongst this princely heap, if any here, by false intelligence... Hold me a foe if I unwittingly... or in my rage, committed aught that is hardly borne by any in this princely presence, I do reconcile myself to his friendly peace. 'Tis death to me to be at enmity, and desire all good men's love. Where were you, Popcorn?
Jack: What do you mean? It's 5:30.
Al Pacino: No, no, it's 9: 30 my time. I was waiting for you at 5:30.
Jack: Oh, it's four hours the other way. I just... I got confused. I...
Al Pacino: Okay, whatever, whatever, whatever. What's going on? How's she doing'?
Jack: We're, uh, we're, uh, we're coming along. That's how we're doing.
Al Pacino: Coming along? What does that mean, "coming along"? What does that mean?
Crowd #1: Come on, wrap it up!
Jack: It means we're getting there. We just need a little more time.
Al Pacino: Put her on the phone. I want to hear her voice.
Jack: Ah, she's not here right now.
Jill: This reminds me of that boat movie with Leonardo.
Erin: Titanic?
Jill: No, the one with the iceberg.
Al Pacino: Who is that?
Jack: That was, uh, Poopsie.
Al Pacino: Why won't you let me talk... Hey, can you... You got to be quiet. I can't hear him! All right? Please. Please! Yeah, listen, you get me this girl, or you don't get that Dunkaccino commercial, you understand? Don't you know me? Don't you know I would use all my power, all the power I have, to keep a commercial like that from happening'? Don't you know that?
Crowd #1: Is he seriously breaking out The Godfather?
Crowd #2: I swear to God, I'm going to cry.
Al Pacino: Put her on! Put her on!
Crowd #3: Pacino!
Jack: Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right. Hang on for a second. I'll put her on. Hello'?
Al Pacino: Jill, my darling, just to hear your voice. What are they doing? Why are they trying to keep us apart?
Jack: Nobody's keeping me apart from anybody. I'm my own person. You remember that.
Al Pacino: Oh, I know you're your own person. Nobody's like you.
Stunt Guy: Uh... Would you like a little privacy? I could finish up for you.
Al Pacino: No, no, it's okay. It's okay. Nobody wants to see you. But thanks, anyway. Jill. can you meet me when you dock in Spain'?
Jack: But what about your Shakespeare show'? Don't you have that to do?
Al Pacino: You kidding? This is L.A. They got Bruce Jenner playing Lord Rivers.
Jack: Yeah, I don't think so.
Al Pacino: Darling, put your brother on.
Jack: Okay. Here he is. Hello. Jack's back.
Al Pacino: Popcorn, we did it! We did it! I'm coming, I'm coming to get her!
Jack: You're coming to get her? She just said, "I don't think so," I thought.
Al Pacino: I can smell horny across an ocean. Here's how it's going to go down. 9PM tomorrow top deck, portside. I'll be there. Audience, could you tell me where I was?
Crowd #4: But he, poor soul.
Al Pacino: But he, poor soul, by your first order died.

View Quote Worrying about your kids is sanity, and being that sane can drive you nuts.

View Quote They should name a gender after you. Looking at you doesn't do it, staring is the only way that makes sense. And trying not to blink so you don't miss anything. And all of that and you're you. It's just that you are drop dead crazy gorgeous,so much so, that I'm actually considering looking at you again before we finish up here.

View Quote Do this for me or I'll set my hair on fire and start punching myself in the face! [Victor: Huh?] Yeah, yeah, you're right: that was an unusual way to make myself understood.

View Quote Is your act just designed to make sure no girl will ever sleep with you again? All you **** talk about is jacking off and farting. You think a girl's going to come up to afterward and be like, "Oh, would you just jack off for me and then fart in my face?" That's **** insane. Do you want to get laid, ever?

View Quote Are you mad that you died at the end of Die Hard?

View Quote George: So, Ira Wright? That's not your real name. You're hiding some Judaism.
Ira: I don't think I can hide that. My face is circumcised.

View Quote [Acting on a tip from longtime inmate Skitchy, Caretaker, Paul Crewe and Nate Scarborough infiltrate the prison record room]
Nate Scarborough: [accessing main computer] Hazen has a rating system for every con.
Paul Crewe: [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file] What's three stars?
Nate: The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
Skitchy: Five stars is the max.
Caretaker: I didn't know that.
Skitchy: Yeah.
Caretaker: Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got. [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating]
Paul: Wow.
Caretaker: Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
Paul: You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
Caretaker: Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
Paul: Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
Skitchy: [overhears] Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.

View Quote [Paul approaches some black inmates]
Inmate: Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.
Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... [Crewe shrugs head] I just got burgers.
Paul Crewe: I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.
Deacon: The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch."
Cheeseburger Eddy: [makes a robot dance as his friends laugh] Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.
Caretaker: That's a big-ass robot.
Paul: Yeah.

View Quote [Having seen the guards harass Meggett at the library, Deacon and Cheeseburger Eddy decide to bring their crew to the team just as they needed extra muscle]
Deacon: This better be on the up and up.
Paul Crewe: I guarantee it.
Deacon: [shakes Crewe's hand] Then let's do this shit.
Earl Meggett: There goes the neighborhood. [team laughs]