Billy Madison I can see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words... I'm deaf! Oh, Veronica Vaughn... Sooo hot... Want to touch the hiney... Ruff!
Played by Adam Sandler 
Billy Madison (1995) · 71 quotes
Billy Madison (1995) · 71 quotes
Most-quoted character in Billy Madison (1995): in 62 of its 71 quotes
Most scenes with: O'Doyle Family (7), Veronica (6), Brian (4)
Well, I could think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would involve a buffalo, live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
More lines from Billy Madison
33 quotes Billy Madison Billy Madison It's nudey magazine day!
Billy Madison He called the shit poop!
Billy Madison Whoa, whoa whoa, Ms. Lippy! The part of the story I don't like is that the little boy gave up looking for his pupppy after an hour. He didn't put posters up or anything, he just sat on the porch like a goon and waited. That little boy's gotta think 'You got a pet. You got a responsibility.' If your dog is lost you don't look for an hour then call it quits? You get your ass out there, and you find that **** dog!
Billy Madison Well, I made the duck blue because I've never seen a blue duck before, and, to be honest with you, I wanted to see a blue duck.
Billy Madison That's QUACKTASTIC!
Billy Madison Actually, I got this shirt from Frank.
Billy Madison Is that it, Dad? Did the penguin tell you to do this?
Billy Madison JUST DO IT!
Billy Madison You know I like Snack pack, why can't you just give me the snack pack?
Billy Madison To...to...to...today, Junior!
Billy Madison Back to school. Back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a fool. I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight. Ohhhh, back to school. Back to school. Back to school. Well, here goes nothing.
Billy Madison Shampoo is better; I go on first and clean the hair! Conditioner is better; I leave the hair silky and smooth! Oh, really, fool? Really! [He notices a gold swan on the edge of the bathtub.] Stop looking at me, swan!
Billy Madison [Billy after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house] [drunkenly]
Oh. I see how it is. So sorry to interrupt!
Billy Madison You ain't cool, unless, you pee your pants. All the kids my age pee their pants, it's the coolest.
Billy Madison ( after Ernie hangs up the phone )
YOU BLEW IT!
Billy Madison Chlorophyll? More like BOROPHYLL!
Billy Madison I choose Business Ethics.
Billy Madison [Menacingly]
O'Doyle, I think you and your family are headed for a big fall... [Chirpy] but right now, I gotta study.
Billy Madison Eric is pregnant!! Congratulations Big Fella!!! He's gonna be a soccer player! Yes he is! Yes he ii-iiiis.
Billy Madison Er Dad do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit in the room?
Billy Madison [first lines; singing while relaxing in his pool]
Suntan lotion is good for me; you protect me, tee-hee-hee! Oh, the sun tries to burn me, but YOU WON'T LET IT! WILL YA?!?! Ultraviolet rays: bad! Lotion: good! [makes a smiley face with his sunblock] Smiley!
Billy Madison It's too damn hot for a penguin to be walking around here.
Billy Madison All the people at the zoo are real nice, Mr. Penguin. They'll treat you real respectable like.
Billy Madison He said "poop"!
Billy Madison [about Eric]
Uh, Dad, do we have to discuss this with Captain Dipshit here?
Billy Madison [at the dodgeball period]
Now you're all in big, big trouble!
Billy Madison [to the little kid who's eating chocolate pudding]
I bet that snack pack is pretty good huh? [the little kid smiles and nods] Wanna trade me the rest of it for this banana? [the little kid smiles and shakes his head] You know how badly I could beat you, right? [the kid keeps smiling and nods]
Billy Madison Tits!
Billy Madison Chlorophyll?! More like BORE-O-PHYLL! Right?
Billy Madison [to the female high-school classmate]
No, I will not make out with you! [laughs] Did you hear that?! This girl wants to make out with me in the middle of class! You got chlorophyll man talking about God knows what! All she's talking about is making out with me! I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you! Go on with the chlorophyll!
Billy Madison [drunk]
You, me, Jack and Frank are gonna go around putting shit on people's doorsteps and we gonna sets it on fire!
Billy Madison [after he hallucinates and sees the penguin at Veronica's house; drunkenly]
Oh. I see what's going' on in here. [the penguin waves at him] So sorry to interrupt! [turns to Veronica] Proceed!
Scenes with Billy Madison
28 scenes Billy Madison (Faking sickness so he can skive off of school. He lays in bed with a mouth thermometer he heated with his desk-lamp)
I swear to God I'm sick. I can't go to school.
Juanita If you're gonna stay home today, you can help me shave my armpits.
Billy Madison (Sounding disgusted)
Oh, my God, I'll go to school.
That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of ace. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
Billy Madison No, you don't.
Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...Him and her *got it on*! Wooo-eee!
Billy Madison No, they didn't.
No, no, they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, huh?
3rd Grader
Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl
Billy Madison Kid can't even read.
Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
Billy Madison T-T-T-TODAY, JUNIOR!
3rd Grader
Hey, look everybody! Billy peed his pants.
Billy Madison Of course I peed my pants! Everyone my age pees their pants; it's the coolest!
3rd Grader
Really?
Billy Madison YES! You ain't cool...unless you pee your pants.
3rd Grader
Hey, look! Ernie peed his pants, too. Alright!
Old Farm Lady
If peeing your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis.
Billy Madison OOH! That is the grossest thing I've ever heard in my life! Let's go.
Mortal Kombat for the Sega Genesis is the best game ever made.
Billy Madison I disagree. It's a very good game, but I think Donkey Kong is better.
Donkey Kong sucks!
Billy Madison Wanna know somethin'? You suck!
Lunch Lady
Here ya go! Have some more Sloppy joes. I made'em EXTRA sloppy for ya's; I know you's kids like 'em sloppy.
Billy Madison [The lunch lady laughs evilly.]
Lady, you're scaring us!
Billy Madison You want some of this milk?
That milk belongs to that classroom.
Billy Madison But they don't gots to know about it. It could be our milk.
No milk will ever be our milk.
Billy Madison Now that wasn't very nice. How 'bout you Sideburns? You want some of this milk?
Janitor
I'd rather have a beer.
Billy [drunk]
Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
October?
Billy [realizes]
It's Nudie Magazine Day!!
Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
'74.
Billy Meg Ryan.
[Frank looks confused]
You were brought up with every advantage, I bought you everything. Toys, cars, vacations, clothes...
Billy Actually I, uh, stole this shirt from Frank. [lifts his shirt to show "FRANK" written on the inside]
Yea, well whatever, it's all my fault. I made a mistake. [looks up to see Billy lifting his shirt] What? Are you some damned moron?
Billy, it wasn't just high school. Do you remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Oh, no you didn't.
Rock...R-O-K.
Billy Yeah, so what's your point?
R-O-C-K!
Billy The 'C' is silent, ha-ha!
Billy Okay, alright...Alright, you got it. First Grade through Twelfth Grade all over again. I'll do each grade in two weeks, take the test, re-graduate, prove to you I'm not an idiot, and then I get to take over Madison Hotels.
That's some idea. You just think of that?
Billy Yeah, I did. It's pretty good, huh?
Brian, don't you think the future of Madison Hotels and its sixty one thousand employees is too important to gamble on a game like this?
No. [to Billy] You're on.
Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
Billy Maybe later.
I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
Billy Okay.
Teacher
Spell "couch".
Little girl
Couch. C-O-W...
Billy No!
Teacher
[to the little girl]
No, I'm sorry, that's not right. [to Billy] Well, Billy, if you spell this correctly you pass second grade.
Billy Couch. C-O-R, uh, are you going to the mall today?
Teacher
No I'm not goin to the mall, keep spelling, mister.
Billy C-O-U-C-H!
Teacher
[smiles]
Correct!
Billy I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE!
Good morning, class.
Third Grade Class
Good morning, Miss Vaughan.
We're going to start today by reading together a short story entitled "My Sister Fanny". [the class laughs] Quiet. So let's all open our "Reading Is Fun" books to page sixty nine.
Billy Sixty nine! [laughs]
[stuttering while reading]
Wa-wa-wa-once th-th-th-there wa-wa-wa-was a-a-a-a g-g-girl...who wa-a-an-
Billy Pffft! Kid can't even read.
Cut it out dude, you're gonna get us in trouble.
An air-air-air-p-p-p-p-plane f-f-flying t-t-t...
Billy [mock stuttering]
T-T-T-Today, Junior! Ha-ha-ha! [Veronica sends him out of the classroom, the kids laugh; overreacting dramatically] OW! YOU'RE TEARING MY EAR OFF!
[angrily]
Making fun of a little kid trying to read! Are you psycho? Do you not have a soul?
Billy I'm sorry I can't hear you, I've been physically abused in the ear.
You keep your mouth shut for the next two weeks or I'm gonna fail you. End of story. [leaves]
Billy I see your lips moving, but I can't make out the words. I'm deaf! Ohh, Veronica Vaughn. Soooo hot! Want to touch the hiney! [howls]
Billy Bunt. B-U-N-T, in perfect cursive. Any more brain busters?
"Rizzuto"? [Billy ponders, then writes] "Rirruto"?
Billy Those're Z's.
They look like R's to me.
Billy That's not fair! Rizzuto's not a word! He's a baseball player! You're cheating!
...Then would you like to try the word "buzz"?
Billy [The kids laugh] [sulking]
I hate cursive and I hate all of you! I'm never coming back to school, NEVER! [runs off]
Lunch Lady
Have some more Sloppy Joes. I made 'em EXTRA sloppy for yous! Ha, ha, ha! I know how yous kids like 'em sloppy! [laughs evilly]
Billy Lady, you're scarin' us!
[Everyone, including Billy, burst out laughing]
Billy Hey I'm trying to score points with the teacher today. DON'T SCREW IT UP.
I dare you to touch her boobs.
Billy Touch her boobs? That's assault brotha. You double dare me? [walks down the bus to Veronica] Uhhh Miss Vaughn, I was wondering how long there's to get there, I need to go to the bathroom.
Not too long now...
Billy [pretends to fall on her, while groping her]
Oh, I'm sorry! Damn bus driver drives like an animal!
That's alright, Billy, why don't you go back and sit now? [smiling] I double dare you.
Billy [stuttering]
That...tit...accident...
Go back to your seat now.
Billy ...I...Yes... [looking embarrassed now]
Billy [to Ernie]
You fallin' in love with the wall or somethin?
Billy An accident? What's that mean? [notices Ernie wet his pants] GYOO!!!!
Get on the bus here. Move it. Get up there. Kyle. 1, 2, 5, 7. Move it or lose it. Get on the bu-s Hi, Ms. Vaughn. Nice to see ya. [stops Billy] That Veronica Vaughn is one piece of ass. I know from experience, dude, if you know what I mean.
Billy No, you don't.
Well, not me personally, but a guy I know...him and her got it on! Whoooooo-eeeeee!
Billy No, they didn't.
No, no, no they didn't. But you could imagine what it'd be like if they did, right? Huh? Huh? [Billy gets on the bus] Everybody on? Good. Great! Grand! Wonderful! [closes the door, yelling]: NO YELLING ON THE BUS!
So it's um, the last day of third grade, and you have the teacher alone in your tent, what do you want to do?
Billy Well I can think of three things I'd like to do. One would involve some ice cubes and a nine iron. Two would include a buffalo...
Really?
Billy ...Live or stuffed, preferably stuffed for safety sake, and three, we bring back some of those ice cubes and switch it over to a pitching wedge.
How's high school Billy?
Billy [lying with a fake smile]
High school is great. I mean I'm learning a lot. And all the kids are treating me very nice. It's great.
Gee, I can't wait till I get to "hike" school.
Billy [whispers]
Don't you say that. Don't you ever say that. Stay here. Stay here as long as you can. [grabs Dan's face and shakes him violently] For the love of God, cherish it. You have to cherish it.
Danny
[on the phone]
Hello?
Billy Hello? Is this Danny? Danny McGrath?
Danny
Yeah.
Billy The Danny McGrath who graduated from Knibb High School in 1984?
Danny
Yeah, who's this?
Billy Umm...this is Billy Madison. You probably don't remember me but I went to high school with you. And I, um, kinda gave you a hard time back then, and, uh, I did some things I thought were funny at the time, and realized they were just mean and stupid. And I just called to apologize and hope you forgive me.
Danny
[nonchalant]
Yeah, sure. Don't worry about it, it's no problem.
Billy Wow, that's great! Well, I am sorry, and maybe we can get together sometime and have some coffee.
Danny
Yeah, sure. I'd like that.
Billy [relieved]
Okay, great! I'll see you around.
Danny
Okay. Bye. [hangs up, reaches down, grabs a marker and uses it to cross Billy's name off of a list on his wall titled, "PEOPLE TO KILL". Once done, he puts on a large amount of bright red lipstick, sighs in relief and sits back to listen to his music]
No.
I know now that I shall never escape my fate as the Revolting Blob.
No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! [angrily throws a stapler, and it hits his secretary, accidentally knocking her out]
It's something I must learn to live with.
[Cut to the next scene] [livid about the set-up]
What a mess. First, this psycho goes on TV, lies, then retracts it, and now Eric's secretary is in a coma. Carl, has anyone been able to find out anything about this Max guy?
Carl No, sir. He's vanished. Nobody has any idea where he is.
Billy [to Eric]
Oh, cut the horseshit! I know you blackmailed Max.
Take it easy, Billy. [to Eric] Things were going along great, until this wrestling freak messed things up. Billy should get another shot at high school.
Hey, rules are rules. Billy was supposed to finish each grade within the 2 weeks, or I get the company. He didn't finish 9th grade.
Carl Eric, certainly there are extenuating circumstances.
Extenuating, exshmenuating! We had a deal. A signed, written deal. Each grade, 2 weeks, or I get the company.
Well, technically, you're right, but-
Oh, shut up, Brian! I've had to listen to your jawing for too long. [mimicking Brian] "Well, technically, mmeh-mmeh-mmeh-" [normal voice; loudly] Just SHUT UP! [gets up] Are you ready to hand the company over to me now?
No!
Then I'll see your ass in court.
Good.
Nice talkin' to ya, shitheads. [laughs]
Norman invasion of England.
Billy 1066.
That is correct. [slowly taking her sweater off] The Magna Carta.
Billy 1215.
Yes. [slowly taking her blouse off] Spanish Armada.
Billy 1466. [Veronica stops herself] '67. 1469. 1514. 1981? 1986? [Veronica dresses herself again] Please do not do that. Come on, I swear...Just hang in there one second. Please, God, give me the answer!
Billy Spanish Armada...1588!
[The same bus driver appears instead of Veronica] [smiles]
That is correct. [takes off his shirt, leaving him shirtless while wearing a tie, much to Billy's chargin]
Billy [During Billy's re-graduation]
Anyways, um, this hotel stuff really isn't for me, so I've decided to step down as chairman of Madison Hotels...and give the company to Carl.
