Happy Gilmore During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.
Played by Adam Sandler 
Happy Gilmore (1996) · 55 quotes
Happy Gilmore (1996) · 55 quotes
Most-quoted character in Happy Gilmore (1996): in 34 of its 55 quotes
Most scenes with: Shooter McGavin (7), Virginia (5), Chubbs (4)
I'm stupid. You're smart. I was wrong. You were right. You're the best. I'm the worst. You're very good-looking. I'm not very attractive.
More lines from Happy Gilmore
12 quotes Happy Gilmore Happy Gilmore If I saw myself dressed like that, I'd have to kick my own ass.
Happy Gilmore [to Virginia]
You know my girlfriend is dead. She fell off a cliff and died on impact.
Happy Gilmore Yeah, it is about time! I mean I just couldn't get the ball in the hole! I wanted to but I just couldn't do it! [Pulls guys shirt and punches him in the face]
Happy Gilmore [to Bob Barker]
The price is wrong, bitch.
Happy Gilmore Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
Happy Gilmore You son of a bitch ball! Why don't you just go home?! That's your HOME! Are you too good for your home? Answer me! Suck my white ass, ball!
Happy Gilmore [to alligator that has eaten his ball]
That son of a bitch. Give me my ball, give it here! Cough it up, you dirty bastard. I swear I'm gonna--give the ball, alligator. Hey, you've got one eye! Chubbs. You took his hand!
Happy Gilmore [after an air conditioning vent falls on an old lady]
Uh, you know that "Mista, Mista" lady? Well, I think I just killed her.
Happy Gilmore [clown laughter]
I hate that clown. [Happy succeeds in getting the ball in the clown's mouth] Yeah! [clown head spits ball back out and starts laughing again] You're gonna die, clown! [Happy proceeds to break off the clown's nose with his putter] You think that's funny?! I don't hear you laughing now!
Happy Gilmore Happy learned how to putt, uh-oh!
Happy Gilmore Somebody's closer!
Scenes with Happy Gilmore
21 scenes
Terry
All you ever talk about is becoming a pro hockey player, but there's a problem: you're not any good.
Happy Gilmore I am good. You know what, you're a lousy kindergarten teacher. I've seen those finger-paintings you bring home and they suck.
Grandma What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Happy Gilmore Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.
Crazy Old Lady
Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Happy Gilmore [Happy pours fast food over the woman's head]
Here, eat that and leave us alone!
Mover #1
I'll tell you what, you hit a ball past my ball, and we'll go straight back to work so you can watch your precious hockey game.
Happy Gilmore Give me the stupid club. Look at this stupid thing.
Mover #1
This is going to be hilarious. I mean, look how he's standing.
Happy Gilmore Yeah, you like that?
Mover #1
[Happy hits the ball, hits the window to the house at the end of the street]
Holy shit.
Happy Gilmore Go back to work.
Mover #1
That house is like 400 yards away.
Happy Gilmore Is that good?
Mover #1
That's unbelieveable.
Mover #2
Beginner's luck. Twenty buck says you can't do it again.
Happy Gilmore Bring it on.
Distant neighbor
[Happy hits the ball in the same direction]
You guys are going to pay for that! Ow!
Mover #1
You hit that guy.
Happy Gilmore He shouldn't have been standing there.
Mover #2
One more time, double or nothing.
Happy Gilmore You better pay up.
Happy Gilmore [Happy hits the ball, ball hits a woman on the roof of the same house, falls off]
Oops. All right, maybe we should get back inside.
Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Happy Gilmore Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
Happy Gilmore And how would I do that?
You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Happy Gilmore Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Happy Gilmore Yeah? What happened?
They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Happy Gilmore Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
Happy Gilmore [Shows Happy his wooden hand]
Oh, my God!
Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
Happy Gilmore [Shows Happy a small glass jar with an eyeball in it]
You're pretty sick, Chubbs.
Happy Gilmore [after hitting a hole-in-one]
He shoots, he scores! Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Good plan.
Happy Gilmore Looks like a slight hill. What do ya think?
Otto And a slant to the left.
Happy Gilmore Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Why don't I just go eat some hay? I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may! What do you say?
What's this about you breaking a rake and throwing it in the woods?
Happy Gilmore I didn't break it, I was merely testing its durability, and I placed it in the woods cause it's made of wood and I thought he should be with his family.
Happy Gilmore I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Well, I'd like to see you try.
Happy Gilmore [Picks up beer bottle and smashes it in half]
Let's do it, then!
I meant on a golf course!
Hey! What's going on?
Happy Gilmore Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Why don't you just put it down?
Happy Gilmore Yeah, I know.
Stay out of my way, or you'll pay. Listen to what I say.
Happy Gilmore Yeah, why don't I go eat some hay. I can make things out of clay, or lay by the bay, I just may. Whaddya say?
I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy Gilmore You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Happy Gilmore That guy's driving me crazy.
You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Happy Gilmore Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!
Announcer We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
Happy Gilmore You better relax, Bob.
There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
Happy Gilmore All right, let's go.
Happy Gilmore [Happy punches Bob in the face]
You like that old man? You want a piece of me?!
[shakes his head as he get up from the ground]
I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
Happy Gilmore The price is wrong, bitch!
I thought we were just going to be friends.
Happy Gilmore What? Friends listen to Endless Love in the dark.
Happy Gilmore I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Do you always carry a puck with you?
Happy Gilmore Yeah.
Happy Gilmore [Virginia shoots puck and scores]
Holy shit. Talk about your all time backfires.
It's all in the hips, yeah, it's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Happy Gilmore Get off of me.
Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Happy Gilmore Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
[stopping Happy from fighting Shooter]
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You want to beat him? Beat him on the course.
Happy Gilmore That's right, I'm gonna beat your ass on the course!
Yeah, and Grizzly Adams had a beard.
Lee Trevino Grizzly Adams did have a beard.
You're in big trouble, though, pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?!
No!
Happy [After Happy's ball went through the tower and into the hole]
Oh, my God!
Verne Lundquist
[The crowd cheers and surrounds Happy]
This is incredible! Happy Gilmore wins the gold jacket.
No! NOOOOO! [bends down in defeat and agony]
Happy I love you, [kisses his grandmother] you [kisses Virginia] and you. [kisses Otto]
Doug! Doug! Impossible! That's mine! My jacket! It's mine! [steals Happy's gold jacket from Doug, and runs away]
Happy Hey! He stole my jacket!
[to himself; in anger]
I believe that is Mr. Gilmore's. [in slow-motion, Shooter runs as he puts on Happy's jacket. The crowd chases him. He angrily growls as he swings his arms] I will get you, Shooter!
Man
We're gonna get you, you bastard!
[screams, then collapses offscreen as the crowd attacks him]
No! Get off! Ow! Get off! Get off!
Stay still!
