Announcer Quite a large and economically diverse crowd here at the Michelob Invitational.
Happy Gilmore
Adam Sandler · 34 quotes
Shooter McGavin
Christopher McDonald · 18 quotes
Virginia
Julie Bowen · 6 quotes
Chubbs
Carl Weathers · 5 quotes
Donald
4 quotes
Mr. Larson
Richard Kiel · 4 quotes
Bob Barker
Bob Barker · 3 quotes
Most scenes together: Happy Gilmore & Shooter McGavin (7), Happy Gilmore & Virginia (5), Happy Gilmore & Chubbs (4)
Happy Gilmore quotes
Page 1 of 4 Announcer Alright, Happy. Nice and easy... That was not nice and easy.
Spoken like a true asshole.
Announcer We haven't seen Happy Gilmore play this badly since his first day on tour. He and Bob Barker are now dead last.
I can't believe you're a professional golfer. I think you should be working at the snack bar.
You better relax, Bob.
There is no way that you could have been as bad at hockey as you are at golf.
All right, let's go.
[shakes his head as he get up from the ground]
I don't want a piece of you, I want the whole thing!
The price is wrong, bitch!
Back in 1965, Sports Illustrated said I was going to be the next Arnold Palmer.
Yeah? What happened?
They wouldn't let me play on the Pro Tour anymore.
Ah, I'm sorry. Because you're black?
Hell no! Damned alligator bit my hand off!
Yeah. Tournament down in Florida. I hooked my ball in the rough down by the lake. Damned alligator just popped up, cut me down on my prime. He got me, but I tore one of that bastard's eyes out though. Look at that.
Golf's no different from hockey. It requires talent and self discipline.
Golf requires goofy pants and a fat ass. You should talk to my neighbour the accountant, probably a great golfer, huge ass.
Hey, I'll bet your neighbour the accountant, can't drive the ball 400 yards. I'll bet your neighbour the accountant doesn't have a shot to get on the Pro Tour!
And how would I do that?
You win the Open tomorrow, and you're automatically on the Pro Tour. Then who knows, maybe you'll win the Tour Championship. Get that gold jacket that I never got.
Gold jacket, Green jacket, who gives a shit.
It's all in the hips, yeah, it's all in the hips. It's all in the hips.
Get off of me.
Just easing the tension, baby. Just easing the tension.
Yeah, well ease it on someone else.
Crazy Old Lady
Mister! Mister! Get me outta here!
Grandma Sir, um, can I trouble you for a glass of warm milk? It helps put me to sleep.
Nursing Home Orderly
You can trouble me for a warm glass of shut-the-hell-up. Now, you will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep. Check out the name tag. You're in my world now, grandma.
Grandma What happened to that nice girlfriend of yours?
Oh, she got hit by a car, she's dead.
[after hitting a hole-in-one]
He shoots, he scores! Oh, man. That was so much easier than putting. I should just try to get the ball in one shot every time.
Good plan.
I got into this tournament for one reason: money. And now I have a new reason: kicking your ass!
Well, I'd like to see you try.
I meant on a golf course!
Hey! What's going on?
Oh, uh, I was just looking for the other half of this bottle and there's some of it and there's some of it right there, too.
Why don't you just put it down?
Yeah, I know.
I'll make you a bet. If you get this puck into that net, I'll never bother you again. But if you miss, you have to give me a big fat kiss. And you have to pretend you like it too.
Do you always carry a puck with you?
Yeah.
Looks like a slight hill. What do ya think?
Otto And a slant to the left.
Nah, it looks that way cause you've only got one shoe on.
That guy's driving me crazy.
You know what's driving me crazy? You not getting the ball in the hole!
Don't push me, Bob. Now's not the time!