Sonny Koufax [about two gay friends]
What's the big deal? They're the same guys — they just watch a different kind of porno now.
Played by Adam Sandler 
Big Daddy (1999) · 21 quotes
Big Daddy (1999) · 21 quotes
Most-quoted character in Big Daddy (1999): in 19 of its 21 quotes
Most scenes with: Julian (6), Corrine (3), Kevin (3)
Dented cans are half-price. Microsoft went down 3 points. We gotta save some money.
More lines from Sonny Koufax
5 quotes Sonny Koufax Sonny Koufax Vanessa, you're a HOOTER'S girl?
Sonny Koufax Having a son is great... As long as his eyes are closed, and he's not moving or talking.
Sonny Koufax The boy just won't quit peeing and throwing up. He's like a cocker spaniel!
Sonny Koufax I thought I had a mother lined up for him, but she's busy banging the Pepperidge Farm guy.
Scenes with Sonny Koufax
13 scenes
Cashier
Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?
Sonny What do you want?
Cheerios.
Sonny Cheerios, they don't got Cheerios, what else?
Lasagna.
Sonny Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? We'll take hotcakes and sausage.
Cashier
Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.
Sonny [looks at the clock on the wall]
What are you talking about? We're 4 seconds late.
Cashier
No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
Sonny AW, HORSESHIT! [Julian starts crying] No, no. Don't cry, I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.
Customer Nice parenting.
Sonny Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? [throws the man's fries] Take a walk! [to Julian] Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!
Homeless Man
[later, Sonny and Julian leave McDonald's; they meet up with the homeless man again]
Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?
Sonny Breakfast is over at 10:30.
Homeless Man
Really?
Sonny Yeah.
Homeless Man
I thought it was 11:00.
Sonny I thought that too.
Homeless Man
Total mind blower.
Sonny [Julian hands Sonny a video cassette]
What's this?
The Kangaroo Song.
Sonny All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?
But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song.
Sonny It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.
Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG!
Sonny ALL RIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday!
Sonny [First lines, spoken during the opening credits. Phone rings]
...Hello?
Lenny
Sonny? It's your dad. Were you asleep?
Sonny Oh, hey, man, I was - I was exercising.
Lenny
[Scene shows Sonny half asleep in bed on the phone]
Bullshit. You were sleeping.
Sonny No, I wasn't, I wasn't.
Lenny
[to someone near him]
This kid won't stop lying to me. [to Sonny] You still act like you're 6!
Sonny Oh yeah, okay, dad. I act like I'm 6.
Lenny
[Cuts to Sonny on his couch with a bowl of cereal, watching cartoons]
Any luck finding a job where you can work more than one day a week?
Sonny Uh...I've been looking.
Lenny
[Cuts to Sonny sleeping in a rowboat in a pond in Central Park]
Looking doesn't pay the rent, kid.
Sonny Hey, all the money I won from the cab accident is kicking ass in the stock market, so relax.
Lenny
Well, don't blow it all on worthless crap.
Sonny I won't!
Lenny
[Cuts to Sonny carrying a fancy surfboard that he apparently just bought]
You know what you should spend it on? Your bar exam.
Sonny You're the lawyer in the family; I ain't taking a damn bar exam. I got too much other shit going on in my life.
Lenny
[Cuts to Sonny napping on his couch]
I don't know what the hell happened to you.
Sonny Okay.
Lenny
Anyway, how are things going with your girlfriend? What's her name? Vanessa?
Sonny Things are going fine.
Vanessa [wakes up suddenly]
Shit. [looks at the clock] SHIT!
Sonny I gotta - I gotta go. [hangs up the phone]
Vanessa Damn it, you turned off the alarm clock again!
Sonny No, no, no. I mean, yes, I did, but I thought you needed more sleep, Vanessa.
Vanessa [rushing to the bathroom to get dressed]
I knew I shouldn't have stayed here. That was a real jerk thing to do, thanks a lot!
Sonny What are you doing? Why are you going to work, anyway? It's Sunday.
Vanessa I'm not going to work, I'm going to brunch...with some potential clients. That's how a party planner gets business: by meeting people, making contact!
Sonny Meet with me. Come on, I'll order in from Cozy's, we'll have fun.
Vanessa I am sick of Cozy's! You order from there all the time, the delivery guy's, like, your best friend.
Sonny Well, he happens to be pretty damn nice. This is a rough patch of my life right now, alright? Syracuse is 0-3, and I've got those medical problems.
Vanessa Medical problems? [scoffs] A cab runs over your foot two years ago, you spent one night in the hospital.
Sonny First of all, that cab was huge. And a jury decided that that one night of pain was worth $200,000, so there you go.
Vanessa Whatever.
Sonny What the hell's the matter with you? Why are you being so nuts to me lately?
Vanessa Because, you refuse to move on to the next phase of your life. I, on the other hand, would like to have a family someday. But, I need someone that I can rely on, not just a playmate.
Sonny What do you need, a father figure? "Stop pulling your sister's hair!"
Vanessa You know what? I am going to go to Syracuse to see my mom. I'll be back on Wednesday.
Sonny What are you talking about?
Nazo
[Vanessa slides open the door to the apartment and gives Sonny an exasperated look, seeing Nazo, the Cozy's delivery guy, standing there] [in foreign accent]
I have call for delivery in building, but I think it was crank call. Want some chocolate cake?
Sonny It's a bad time, man. Come back later, I'll Indian Wrestle ya.
Nazo
You’re going down, sucker.
Sonny Yeah, well, we'll see about that.
Nazo
Okay, peace out. [leaves]
Sonny [to Vanessa]
What do you mean you're going to Syracuse?
Vanessa Because I need time to think, and so do you.
Sonny What do I need to think about?
Vanessa Your life! And why there's any reason for me to be a part of it.
Sonny Alright...
Vanessa And while you’re at it, why don't you think about getting a real job? [leaves]
Sonny I got a real job!
[Cuts to Sonny sitting in a toll booth]
Everyone
[Sonny returns home after work. He slides open the apartment door and sees a large party waiting]
SURPRISE!!!
Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.
Sonny Yeah, "it's only me, it's only me". [walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey] What's going on?
Phil Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin.
Sonny Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know.
Phil Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise.
Sonny No I wouldn't.
Man at party
[Kevin walks in on the party, almost no one notices]
Hey, surprise!
Everyone
[unexcited]
Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.
Sonny Surprise.
[walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny]
We wasted the good surprise on you!
Sonny [chuckling]
Alright.
Sonny I guess.
See you in three hours.
Phil [discussing a case of his to Sonny, Mike, and Tommy]
So, now my client's out $7 million, and all we can sue on is "breach of contract."
Sonny Maybe you can try suing under the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act.
Phil ...I gotta get back to the office, Sonny, you're the king! Mikey, pleasure. [to Tommy] I'll see you at home.
Tommy Alright.
Phil [They kiss deeply. Mike is somewhat bothered, Sonny keeps a neutral face]
I'll walk you out. [leaves with Tommy, holding hands]
Mike I gotta admit, I’m still a little weirded out when they kiss.
Sonny Why? They're gay, that's what gay guys do.
Mike I know, but they were like brothers to us back in school.
Sonny They're still like our brothers, our very very gay brothers. What are you doing after this? Going to a clan meeting?
[Mikey laughs]
Tommy [referring to Kevin and Corrine]
That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought.
Sonny Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.
[stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement]
Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, [speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely] I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton & Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.
Tommy [Everyone laughs again]
Prove it! [everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look] Just kidding.
But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do...
Sonny You're not proposing, are ya?!
Sonny Well, think about it...ya know?
Tommy [Everyone applauds] [sarcastically to Sonny]
Good call on the two weeks, pal.
Sonny Hey, congratulations, you and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be real happy.
Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny You want to explain to your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
Sonny Congratulations.
Thanks, man.
Sonny [Kevin and Sonny sit down next to each other]
I just got shit going on.
What's the matter?
Sonny Vanessa's gonna break-up with me and I don't know what to do to make her want to stay.
Vanessa's just getting older, she wants different things, ya know? Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get.
Sonny I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?
Sonny Yes, that was nice.
Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. [Sonny chuckles and nods] Those were the days. [Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop] What're you doing?
Sonny If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.
Oh, you're gonna putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right.
Sonny [makes a putt]
Yes! That's what I'm talking abou- [a rat comes out of the hole] GOOD GOD!!!
That can't be good.
Sonny [Corinne is cleaning the decorations from the party the previous night, Sonny staggers out of bed] [walking down the steps from his bedroom]
Where's Kevin?
Oh, he already left. I guess he forgot to say goodbye to you.
Sonny Why are you here then?
I'm cleaning because you're useless.
Sonny And then what? You're gonna go to your Hooters reunion? You guys sit around and talk about whose ass hangs out of their shorts the most?
At least I can still fit my ass into my shorts, fatty.
Sonny [pulls a container of Chinese leftovers out of the fridge]
Speaking of fatty, whose is this?
I don't know.
Sonny I'm eating it, then.
Sonny [Sonny sits on his couch, preparing to watch a hockey game. Julian comes in bouncing on a hippity-hop, then keeps bouncing in front of the TV, blocking Sonny's view of it]
How're you doing?
How're you doing?
Sonny You like hockey?
You like hockey?
Sonny This is a big important game.
This is a big important game.
Sonny Cut the crap.
Cut the crap.
Sonny I'm being serious, don't do that.
I'm being serious, don't do that.
Sonny [very fast]
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? [Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him] Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up. [Julian continues bouncing] Hey, don't you take naps?
Sometimes.
Sonny Well why don't you go take a nap?
I'm too hungry to sleep.
Sonny You want some food? [Julian is later asleep on the table, covered in food. Sonny then sits up on his sofa] [whispering] Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
Sonny [Julian and Sonny are walking down the canned foods aisle at the grocery store. Julian is scratching his arm]
What are you doing scratching so much?
I have ecza, ecza..
Sonny Eczema? Gross!
How do I make it stop itching?
Sonny I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? [Julian smiles and nods] Yeah? [takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. [takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Here, give it a shot. [gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor] That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh?
[walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly]
Hi, Sonny. [to Julian, more happy] Hi, Sonny's friend!
Sonny His name's Frankenstein.
Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?
[pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line]
Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.
Sonny [laughs]
You don't gotta do that anymore. [notices Corrine's crop-top] Look at that! You guys wear the same size t-shirt! That's cool.
Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
Sonny Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the "hibbidy, dibbidy" [Corrine smacks him] Ow!
I got eczema. [showing her his rash on his arm]
Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.
Sonny Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!
Thank you. [smiles and walks away]
You're welcome.
Sonny I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.
It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.
Sonny Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.
[Corrine gives Sonny an unimpressed look. Julian takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]
What the hell is he doing?
Sonny He's shopping.
Microsoft went down three points.
Sonny Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!
[Corrine flips Sonny off as she walks away]
Sonny [Sonny and the children are drinking Yoohoo at the school playground]
Man, this Yoohoo is good. You know what else is good? Smoking dope. I ain't gonna rat you out. You know, puffing the cheeba, go by the see saw smoke a j. You know what I'm talking about?
Jeff
I have a belly button.
Sonny You have a belly button? Well, we all have belly buttons. You know what? We all love Yoohoo, especially Yoohoo with a little rum.
Jared What's rum?
Sonny You don't know what Rum is?
Jared Rumpelstiltskin?
Sonny [smiles]
Rumpelstiltskin. Rumpelstiltskin's a good man. So are you guys. Hey, stay clean, stay focused, stay strong. [to Julian] Frankenstein, have fun with your friends.
Layla [Layla and Sonny are discussing Phil and Tommy's relationship while walking home from their date in Little Italy]
So two guys you were best friends with in law school fell in love with each other?
Sonny Yeah.
Layla Is that strange for you?
Sonny No, I mean, nothing changed, really. They watch a different kind of porno now, but that’s it.
[Layla laughs]
[Sonny's meeting with his family and friends at Hooter's for his surprise birthday party]
Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.
Sonny Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.
I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.
Sonny Well, that's because you suck.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Sonny Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times' sake, huh? C'mon!
Sonny [to a passing Hooters waitress]
Hey, can we get some curly fries? [the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...] Vanessa?
Vanessa ...Hi, Sonny.
Sonny You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? [Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them] Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.
Is that the guy with the old balls?
Sonny [laughs]
Yeah, I guess it is. [Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away] Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... [to Julian] Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?
