E Everyone
[Sonny returns home after work. He slides open the apartment door and sees a large party waiting]
SURPRISE!!!
C Corrine
Shh. Just ignore him. It's only Sonny. It's only Sonny.
Yeah, "it's only me, it's only me". [walks over to Tommy, Phil and Mikey] What's going on?
Phil Corrine's throwing a surprise going away party for Kevin.
Why didn't she tell me about it? The roommate has a right to know.
Phil Because she knew you'd tell him and ruin the surprise.
MA Man at party
[Kevin walks in on the party, almost no one notices]
Hey, surprise!
E Everyone
[unexcited]
Surprise. Surprise. Surprise.
[confused]
What's going on?
C Corrine
[walks to the front of the party and realizes the surprise didn't work; to Sonny]
We wasted the good surprise on you!
[Corrine runs away to the bathroom, crying] [to Sonny]
This your handiwork?
Tommy [referring to Kevin and Corrine]
That relationship's lasted a lot longer than I thought.
Yeah, look at his eyes, though. He's bored out of his mind. I give it two more weeks.
[stands up in the middle of the party to make an announcement]
Hey, excuse me! Everybody! I wanted to thank you all for coming tonight. Or I guess I should say, [speaking Chinese and everyone laughs politely] I'm getting it. Uh, tomorrow I'm leaving for China to represent the fine firm of Morton & Mandel. Yes, me, the same guy who once shaved his ass to win a $5 bet.
Tommy [Everyone laughs again]
Prove it! [everyone else laughs but Mikey gives him a look] Just kidding.
But, uh, I am real glad you're all here tonight because I'm about to do something I never thought I'd have the guts to do...
You're not proposing, are ya?!
[Everyone turns and looks at Sonny]
Uh, yeah, pal, I am.
Well, think about it...ya know?
C Corrine
[annoyed]
God, Sonny! Shut up!
[The room goes silent] [sits down with a sigh]
Anyways. Will you?
C Corrine
[glares at Sonny, to Kevin]
Yeah. [kisses him]
Tommy [Everyone applauds] [sarcastically to Sonny]
Good call on the two weeks, pal.
[Cut to Sonny putting on the roof. Kevin walks out]
Hey Sonny, what was that all about?
Hey, congratulations, you and "Big Boobs" McGee are gonna be real happy.
Don't call her "Big Boobs" McGee.
You want to explain to your children that you met their mother while she was waitressing at Hooters?
Sonny, that was five years ago, she's a doctor now. And my fiancé, so from now on...Dr. "Big Boobs" McGee.
[Kevin and Sonny sit down next to each other]
I just got shit going on.
Vanessa's gonna break-up with me and I don't know what to do to make her want to stay.
Vanessa's just getting older, she wants different things, ya know? Career, stable relationship, a family. That's how they get.
I just want things to go back to the way they used to be.
Like when we were at Syracuse? And Vanessa worshipped you?
Nobody was hassling you to get a job, Tommy and Phil were showering separately. [Sonny chuckles and nods] Those were the days. [Sonny goes to the putting green on their rooftop] What're you doing?
If I make this putt, Vanessa will realize she likes me the way I am.
Oh, you're gonna putt? Remember, the roof breaks to the right.
[makes a putt]
Yes! That's what I'm talking abou- [a rat comes out of the hole] GOOD GOD!!!
[Julian and Sonny are walking down the canned foods aisle at the grocery store. Julian is scratching his arm]
What are you doing scratching so much?
How do I make it stop itching?
I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? [Julian smiles and nods] Yeah? [takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. [takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Here, give it a shot. [gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor] That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh?
C Corrine
[walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly]
Hi, Sonny. [to Julian, more happy] Hi, Sonny's friend!
C Corrine
Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?
[pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line]
Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.
[laughs]
You don't gotta do that anymore. [notices Corrine's crop-top] Look at that! You guys wear the same size t-shirt! That's cool.
C Corrine
Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the "hibbidy, dibbidy" [Corrine smacks him] Ow!
I got eczema. [showing her his rash on his arm]
C Corrine
Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.
Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!
C Corrine
[placing a bag of frozen peas on Julian's arm]
Is that better?
Thank you. [smiles and walks away]
C Corrine
You're welcome.
I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.
C Corrine
It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.
Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.
C Corrine
[Corrine gives Sonny an unimpressed look. Julian takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]
What the hell is he doing?
Microsoft went down three points.
C Corrine
[sarcastically to Sonny]
That's real good. [happily to Julian] See you later, Frankenstein.
Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!
[Corrine flips Sonny off as she walks away]
