C Cashier
Hi, welcome to McDonald's. What can I get for you?
Cheerios, they don't got Cheerios, what else?
Lasagna? What the hell's the matter with you? We'll take hotcakes and sausage.
C Cashier
Sorry, sir. We stopped serving breakfast.
[looks at the clock on the wall]
What are you talking about? We're 4 seconds late.
C Cashier
No, you're 30 minutes and 4 seconds late. We stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
AW, HORSESHIT! [Julian starts crying] No, no. Don't cry, I wasn't cursing at you. I was cursing at the lady.
Customer Nice parenting.
Hey, thanks. Are you my therapist? [throws the man's fries] Take a walk! [to Julian] Do you want a Happy Meal? Can I get you one of those Happy Meals? You got a Happy Meal? Can we get a Happy Meal? WILL SOMEBODY GET THE KID A HAPPY MEAL?!
HM Homeless Man
[later, Sonny and Julian leave McDonald's; they meet up with the homeless man again]
Hey, man, where's my Egg McMuffin?
Breakfast is over at 10:30.
HM Homeless Man
I thought it was 11:00.
HM Homeless Man
Total mind blower.
[Julian hands Sonny a video cassette]
What's this?
J Julian
The Kangaroo Song.
All right. Great. That's terrific. And we're gonna watch this after the game, okay?
J Julian
But after my nap, I always watch The Kangaroo Song.
It's overtime right now, and there's a penalty shot about to take place. This happens, like, once every 10 years.
J Julian
Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song. Kangaroo Song! KANGAROO SONG!
ALL RIGHT!!! God! You were normal yesterday!
[Sonny sits on his couch, preparing to watch a hockey game. Julian comes in bouncing on a hippity-hop, then keeps bouncing in front of the TV, blocking Sonny's view of it]
How're you doing?
J Julian
How're you doing?
J Julian
You like hockey?
This is a big important game.
J Julian
This is a big important game.
I'm being serious, don't do that.
J Julian
I'm being serious, don't do that.
[very fast]
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? [Julian stops bouncing, unable to repeat him] Yeah, that's what I thought, shut up. [Julian continues bouncing] Hey, don't you take naps?
Well why don't you go take a nap?
J Julian
I'm too hungry to sleep.
You want some food? [Julian is later asleep on the table, covered in food. Sonny then sits up on his sofa] [whispering] Having a kid is great, as long as his eyes are closed and he's not moving or speaking.
[Julian and Sonny are walking down the canned foods aisle at the grocery store. Julian is scratching his arm]
What are you doing scratching so much?
J Julian
I have ecza, ecza..
J Julian
How do I make it stop itching?
I don't know. You...scratch it. Hey, SpaghettiOs! You like SpaghettiOs? [Julian smiles and nods] Yeah? [takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Dented cans are half price, Microsoft went down three points We gotta save some money. [takes another can off the shelf and throws it on the floor] Here, give it a shot. [gives a can to Julian who throws it on the floor] That's it, boy! Put it in there. Feels good, huh?
[walks down the same aisle as Sonny and Julian; to Sonny, flatly]
Hi, Sonny. [to Julian, more happy] Hi, Sonny's friend!
Hi, Frankenstein! Remember me?
J Julian
[pretending to be in trouble like Sonny taught him to use as a pick-up line]
Help me, I'm lost. I don't know where I am.
[laughs]
You don't gotta do that anymore. [notices Corrine's crop-top] Look at that! You guys wear the same size t-shirt! That's cool.
Mmm-hmm. So what's this I hear about you doing laundry with my sister?
Did she say I was doing laundry with her? Because where I come from it's called doing the "hibbidy, dibbidy" [Corrine smacks him] Ow!
J Julian
I got eczema. [showing her his rash on his arm]
Oh. well then you shouldn't scratch it.
Don't tell him what to do. He can scratch if he wants to scratch. Scratch!
[placing a bag of frozen peas on Julian's arm]
Is that better?
J Julian
Thank you. [smiles and walks away]
I didn't know you knew anything about kids. I thought you were a foot doctor.
It's not doctor stuff, stupid, it's common sense; scratching spreads rashes.
Oh so this is something you learned at Hooters.
[Corrine gives Sonny an unimpressed look. Julian takes a can off the shelf and throws it on the floor]
What the hell is he doing?
J Julian
Microsoft went down three points.
[sarcastically to Sonny]
That's real good. [happily to Julian] See you later, Frankenstein.
Stay away from the frozen food section! Your boobs'll harden!
[Corrine flips Sonny off as she walks away]
J Julian
[Sonny's meeting with his family and friends at Hooter's for his surprise birthday party]
Sonny, I beat you so bad at basketball yesterday.
Well, then, I guess I better stop letting you win.
I stopped letting him win six weeks ago, he still beat me.
Well, that's because you suck.
Hey, Corinne. Put on a tank-top for old times' sake, huh? C'mon!
J Julian
[Corinne gives Sonny a look]
What's he talking about, Mommy?
[smiles knowingly to Sonny]
NOTHING....
[Everyone laughs]
[to a passing Hooters waitress]
Hey, can we get some curly fries? [the waitress turns to Sonny, showing it's...] Vanessa?
Vanessa ...Hi, Sonny.
You're a Hooters girl? What happened to Sid's five-year-plan? [Vanessa glances over to the kitchen. He looks at sees Sid working there. He waves to them] Hey. Maybe it's a ten-year-plan.
J Julian
Is that the guy with the old balls?
[laughs]
Yeah, I guess it is. [Vanessa gives an angry look and walks away] Oh, come on, I bet they're nice. Awww... [to Julian] Next time, don't say "balls". "Testicles", alright?
