Scenes with Caretaker
4 scenes
Nate Scarborough
[Acting on a tip from longtime inmate Skitchy, Caretaker, Paul Crewe and Nate Scarborough infiltrate the prison record room] [accessing main computer]
Hazen has a rating system for every con.
Paul Crewe
[sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file]
What's three stars?
Nate
The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
S Skitchy
Five stars is the max.
Caretaker
I didn't know that.
Caretaker
Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got. [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating]
Paul
Wow.
Caretaker
Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
Paul
You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
Caretaker
Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
Paul
Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
S Skitchy
[overhears]
Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.
B Battle
[Crewe, Caretaker, and Scarborough meet with Battle in the showers]
Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?
Nate Scarborough
Full contact.
B Battle
Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
Caretaker
Yup.
B Battle
So I get to...tackle him?
Paul Crewe
Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer. [Pointing to Battle's crotch.]
B Battle
[Grins]
I want to hurt him, not kill him.
Caretaker
[To Crewe]
Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.
Paul
Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
I Inmate
[Paul approaches some black inmates]
Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.
CE Cheeseburger Eddy
I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... [Crewe shrugs head] I just got burgers.
Paul Crewe
I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.
Deacon
The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch."
CE Cheeseburger Eddy
[makes a robot dance as his friends laugh]
Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.
Caretaker
That's a big-ass robot.
Paul
Yeah.
Caretaker
[Having finished another practice session, Caretaker peps up the team]
Now who we gonna crush?!
Caretaker
Who we gonna kill?!
Caretaker
Who we gonna kiss?!
Caretaker
Gotcha. [everyone mocks Brucie]
Other characters in The Longest Yard
