Scenes with Paul Crewe
6 scenes
[Acting on a tip from longtime inmate Skitchy, Caretaker, Paul Crewe and Nate Scarborough infiltrate the prison record room] [accessing main computer]
Hazen has a rating system for every con.
Paul Crewe [sees the three-star rating on Big Tony Cobianco's file]
What's three stars?
The more prone to violence that the inmate is, the more stars he gets.
S Skitchy
Five stars is the max.
Let's see how many stars my maniacal ass got. [Nate accesses file and sees Caretaker only had a 0.5 star rating]
Paul Wow.
Half a star? That's gotta be a mistake. Check it again. Check it again.
Paul You're about as maniacal as a boxful of kittens.
Come on, that's not funny, man. I'm gonna have to stab somebody or something. Get my rep up.
Paul Why don't we have a maniacal pillow fight tonight. That could get it up some.
S Skitchy
[overhears]
Yeah. We can sell it to pay-per-view. Superstar Versus Half-a-Star.
B Battle
[Crewe, Caretaker, and Scarborough meet with Battle in the showers]
Wow, no bullshit? Real football, against the guards?
B Battle
Captain Knauer is their quarterback?
B Battle
So I get to...tackle him?
Paul Crewe Yeah, you can either tackle him or hit him over the head with that hammer. [Pointing to Battle's crotch.]
B Battle
[Grins]
I want to hurt him, not kill him.
[To Crewe]
Let's get out of here before that thing bites someone.
Paul Okay, we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.
[Paul approaches some black inmates]
Hey, yo, check out this fake Slim Shady, man.
CE Cheeseburger Eddy
I knew you couldn't resist my shit. I got the shakes that will make you quake, I got the fries that will cross your eyes, I got the burgers that will... [Crewe shrugs head] I just got burgers.
Paul Crewe I'm all right. Thank you. Just wanted to talk to you fellas about possibly joining the football team.
The only game we'd play with you is "Slap the Point-Shaving White Boy Till He Cries Like a Baby-Back Bitch."
CE Cheeseburger Eddy
[makes a robot dance as his friends laugh]
Baby-back bitch, baby-back bitch Baby-back bitch.
Paul Yeah.
[Having seen the guards harass Meggett at the library, Deacon and Cheeseburger Eddy decide to bring their crew to the team just as they needed extra muscle]
This better be on the up and up.
Paul Crewe I guarantee it.
[shakes Crewe's hand]
Then let's do this shit.
EM Earl Meggett
There goes the neighborhood. [team laughs]
[The team prepares to practice, but see their field is flooded.]
Did it rain last night?
Paul Crewe [Under his breath]
Son of a bitch. [Faces team] Okay, guys, the warden is trying to break our spirit. He thinks we're just going to call it day, wait for the field to dry, make up for it tomorrow. You know what, who gives a shit? Three days until game-time, we can handle it. But I'll tell you something else, that old man flooding this field tells me something: the guy is scared. Scared of you; sick, degenerate convicts. And you know what? He should be. Because I got news for you. We're going to win this game.
Paul So, what's it going to be? We can either cancel practice today, go back to our cells, wait for tomorrow, or we can prepare for the greatest ass-kicking fiesta in the history of football. I'll leave it to you guys.
Paul Crewe [noticing that the entire team deliberately messed up a few recent sets for him because he had been throwing off plays earlier, Crewe takes it upon himself to force a first down and later meets the team at a huddle]
Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I did throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw this game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I ain't doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. [team puts hands together with him] Okay, thank you. Who are we?
MM Mean Machine Players
MEAN MACHINE!!! [takes the field]
T Turley
I'm glad you are back. Now I don't have to stab you.
Other characters in The Longest Yard
