Benjamin
Eat that nutstrap, BI-YATCH!
Benjamin!
Davey Stone
Adam Sandler · 20 quotes
Mr. Chang
5 quotes
Eleanor
4 quotes
Whitey Duval
Adam Sandler · 4 quotes
Jennifer
Jackie Sandler · 3 quotes
Narrator
Rob Schneider · 3 quotes
Whitey Duvall
Adam Sandler · 1 quote
Most scenes together: Davey Stone & Mr. Chang (4), Davey Stone & Eleanor (3), Davey Stone & Narrator (2)
Eight Crazy Nights quotes
Page 1 of 2Thumbelina, there's no kids playing. Why'd you tell me to come?
Whitey
I thought you could use a refresher course on b-ball rules and regulations.
You're nuts. I'm going to go pound a few.
Whitey
First of all, you booze, you lose. And secondly, if you don't turn around... Officer Sherman over there'll know of the infamous peanut brittle incident.
Whitey
His mom had to do a double shift so I'm watching him till she can get here. Now, both of you cop a squat next to me and let's observe.
Why the hell are we at the mall?
Whitey
You need to clean your brain out. And to me, the mall is the best place to do that.
What's good about this place?
Whitey
What's good about it? Everything. You want a pair of socks? My buddy, Mr. Foot Locker, will warm your feet. You need a fancy doodad? Hello, Sharper Image. Thanks for the combination pogo stick clock radio. I mean, The Body Shop, the Tie Rack... GNC, RadioShack... Petland for a cat or two, Spencer's Gifts for some fake dog doo... Sbarro's, Dunkin' Donuts, they're simply the best. And don't forget the orange chicken at Panda Express. But if you're short of cash like little old me... The window shopping's always free.
Whitey
Yeah, that was weird, wasn't it?
Maybe you are a leprechaun.
[Eating Peanut Brittle while riding with Whitey]
Whitey
How are those peanut brittle?
Crunchy and delicious.
Whitey
Funny, I don't remember Jessie or Denise ringing you up a purchase.
I guess that means I stole it, doesn't it? [Whitey gets pissed and has a panic attack, which causes him to swerve the car] Easy seizure boy!
Whitey
[Enragedly]
That's it! I'm calling the judge!
[Getting annoyed]
Go ahead, I'll be on the first bus out of here. I ain't spending ten years in prison.
Whitey
Maybe I'll take you in myself. Don't think you can intimidate me because of my size.
Whitey
Put me down! Put me down! [Gets Davey's hands off him and points to the car door] And get out of my car right now!
[Sarcastically]
Oh no! You're gonna make walk ten feet out there? Because that's where I live you idiot!
Whitey
Oh!
[Exits vehicle]
Thanks for the ride Patchy! It was great patching with you, I guess I'll patch you later! [Closes the door]
Whitey
I'm letting this one go, Stone! But the next screw up, it's slammin time! Hmh! Got any sand or rock salt in there? I need to get some traction.
[Angrily mocks Whitey]
"Got any sand or rock salt in there? 'Cause I need to get some..." Oh, shut up! [Davey goes into his trailer]
Whitey
He could've at least given me a push or something.
TV anchor
[Davey in his trailer]
Closing, channel 36 would like to wish all of its Jewish viewers... the very happiest of Hanukkahs.
Boo! [Unplugs TV]
[Leaves a portable toilet after vomiting after binge-drinking]
Whitey
That’s what happens when you hit the bottle pal, you go to sleep in Dukesberry you wake up in Pukesberry. Hehe, Pukesberry.
[Gets pissed off, angrily shuts him in one of them and pushes it down]
Whitey
[Walking out]
The worst has happened... I'm covered in human feces...
That's a good look for you, but how about is that I should probably spray you off? [Dementedly sprays Whitey with a hose freezing him] Smell You Later, Poopsicle. [Laughs evilly and walks away]
Whitey
You're a fricking degenerate.
I know I am.
Whitey
A little help, please. [Deer start licking him] Your tongues tickle. They tickle.
[To obese kid]
Foul on this kid for eating everything in sight. Jelly jugs, next time you come on my court, you better wear a bra. Okay?
Whitey
He was just kidding, son. You've got very nice boobs.
Audience
Jerk! Idiot!
You don't like that?! How about you throw something at me! I dare you!
Man
With pleasure!
Whitey
They're scratching up my floor! Here comes a seizure! This will pass in a second, kids. Don't be scared.
Kid
Is he break dancing?
Okay, that's it. Game over. Nobody wants to see an old man die. Fatty's team loses because I want to see him cry again.
Whitey
I want to talk to you in my office.
Where are your parents, anyways?
I don't know. Hopefully, out getting me an Atari.
All right, Davey! Come on! Let's go! We'll take that.
Not today.
Whitey
That kind of shitting makes me want to do the robot dance.
Nice story. You can stop now.
No, no, go on. Whitey, I'm mesmerized.
Can we just go? I'm cold.
I want to hear what happens next. It's like a fairy tale.
Whitey
Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending. Davey was wondering where his parents were. Turns out they were on their way to the ball game... when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. And Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible... could happen to a kid that nice. He walked right through that door and into foster home after foster home... until his 18th birthday.
Oh, my. You poor, poor boy. What in heaven's name did you do?
Let's just get off of this.
Whitey
He didn't know how to handle it. What 12-year-old kid would? He basically shut down.
Davey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say.
There's nothing to say. My parents are dead. Happy Hanukkah. Now, leave me alone.
That's the saddest story I've ever heard. [Starts sobbing then breathes a sigh of satisfaction]
Whitey
Maybe it's time you stop running from your emotions.
[Enragedly shouts at Whitey]
I'm not. I'm running from two crybabies who won't shut up about something that isn't any of their business!
Eleanore
You know, I read recently in Reader's Digest that people who let themselves cry when they're hurting are often stronger than the people who try to hold all their pain inside.
[Angrily]
Did you read anything about a deformed referee who spends 35 years trying to win some STUPID PATCH... [angrily points to Whitey] so he can pretend people actually like him?!
Which month was that in?
Whitey
[in tears]
Take that back.
Listen, if they have an award for the freakiest looking fraternal twins... who nobody even gives a crap about, you two are definitely winning! But that patch thing ain't ever gonna happen for you... because the truth is, nobody in this town even knows you EXIST! [Jennifer and Benjamin look up in shock]
You're an animal!
Not again! [She faints]
Whitey
You're not welcome in my house!
Do you have to be nasty to everyone who tries to help you?
[Angrily throws Eleanor's wig at Jennifer]
That's my problem! [With Eleanor's wig landing on Mr. Chang's head]
He just a no-goodnik, and I am the real Kristi Yamaguchi.
Judge
Stone, what the heck are we going to do with you? In the past twenty years, I’ve sent you to reform school, the drunk tank, the local psychiatric ward. Not one of those places has made you change an ounce for the better. ‘Cause you used to be a good kid, playing ball for the Jewish Community Center, with the best jump shot this town’s ever seen.
[Opens the flask]
Your honor, I still got a pretty good jump shot. Let me show you. [Takes a drink of whiskey, and then jumps very quickly, and not very far] I’d hit a three-pointer, except I’d have to drop my pants and pop a thumb up my boo-boo.
Judge
Stone, you leave me no choice. I’m gonna really have to crack down hard this time.
Whitey
[Chiming in, with his fore head seen a little in the seating area]
Your honor, if it pleases the court, I’d like to interject for a moment.
What the hell was that? Did anybody else hear a parakeet, or am I going crazy?
Whitey
[Shows himself by stepping out into the aisle with his Cain]
No, Mr. Chang. It’s me, Whitey Duvall. And a happy first night of Chanukah to you.
I’m not Jewish.
Whitey
Neither am I, but that don’t stop me from enjoying a holiday.
Judge
Whitey, we went over this two months ago. It’s your last year of reffing the youth league basketball. You’re turning 70 years old and our insurance company says they won’t cover you anymore.
Whitey
Ha, ha. No, no, no. My interjection pertains to the case currently under adjudication. You see, I knew this young man years ago when his moral fiber was still intact.
Judge
Whitey, what are you getting at?
Whitey
Why not sentence him to be a referee-in-training for the youth league basketball? I’ve seen some pretty rowdy kids turn into perfect gentlemen after spending time on my court.
Judge
If that happened with Stone, it would be a miracle.
Whitey
Well, it is the holidays and those kinda things have been known to happen this time of year.
Judge
Whitey, if you want to work with this punk, then God bless you. But Mr. Stone, what Whitey says goes. And if I hear that you break one law, I will send you to the state penitentiary for no less than 10 years.
Huh?
Judge
Happy holidays. [Pounds his gavel, adjourning the trial]
Oh, God.
Police officer
[Davey walks out intoxicated to his vehicle with his keys out]
Hope you're not planning on driving tonight, Stone.
No, officer. I'm just going to say good night to my car, then walk home and enjoy the holiday decorations. [To vehicle] Listen, sweetheart. I have to leave you here alone tonight... But don't you worry, I'll be back first thing in the morning. Now, behave yourself, and don't stay up too late. Nighty-night. All right, baby. But let's make this quick. [Starts humping vehicle] Oh, mama! You like it when I hold you like this?! Because I'll do it all night long! So sweet! Yes, so precious! I love you, car!
Police officer
What?
He no pay for his four scorpion bowl! [Davey flees]
Oh, boy.
Police officer
Get him!
Man
Come back here, you jerk!
Police officer
Somebody stop that guy!
[Grabs a trashcan lid and slides down stair railings and surfs through alleys and streets]
I'm the kind of guy who can't stand a holiday so I drink them all away, that's me, I don't decorate no trees and I won't eat no potato latkes but squeezes a woman at chest level viewed from behind]’' I'll give this old lady's melons a squeeze that's just who I am, well, [woman turns around to reveal actual melons] I'll never spin a dreidel, but I'll always throw an egg and I'll Charley horse your leg for laughs, while you're singing your holiday tunes, I'm acting like the town buffoon, [to carolers] whipping out my big, white, scary moon and blowing a beef your way, I hate folks who think reindeer are cute, to me they're just something to shoot, [throws snowballs at deer with a couple and son glaring annoyed] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me, well, [goes into a garage and drives a snowmobile out] I'm a snowmobile-stealing no 'tis-the-season-feeling kind of guy, this time of year sucks, so I take my nun-chucks and [destroys snowmen along a street] make sure every snowman dies, believing in Santa's all wrong, and Hanukkah's eight nights too long, [Drives snowmobile crashing into ice statue] I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
Police officer
[Jostling through crowd on a frozen lake]
Coming through.
I hate love, I hate you, I hate me...
Crowd
Davey Stone, you're nothing but a delinquent!
Prank caller
Hello? Hi, is Ophelia there?
Ophelia who?
Prank caller
Ophelia hiney.
Oh, feel my hiney?! You hoodlums better bring my wig back! I know it was you! [Hangs up and Davey enters the house] It's a home-invasion robbery! Take whatever you want, but please don't chop my legs off!
Whitey
It's okay, Eleanor, it's okay!
Whitey, thank God you're here! We're being robbed by a lunatic! Mister, if you're going to kill us, take off your wet shoes. They're soaking the carpet!
Whitey
Eleanor, that's Davey Stone, my new partner.
The criminal?! Did he force you to bring him here so he could molest you?!
Whitey
His home just went up in flames. So I invited him to stay with us for a while.
Okay, but I'm making an inventory... of every single item in this house!
Fascinating.
Look! He already stole something. He's hiding it in his jacket.
I didn't steal this. It's a card my parents gave me.
So why don't you go stay with them?
They died.
My bad.
Alcohol in our house? This is never going to work.
Whitey
It will. We just need to set some rules so Davey knows how we do things here.
I'm scared.
Whitey
Look. You gotta understand it's just been me and Eleanor for 67 years... so she gets nervous around strangers.
[Referring to side table photo of Whitey and Eleanor as children]
I wouldn't show that picture to anyone... or they may try to take you two back to the laboratory.
Whitey
Listen. We got rules in this house... And you better follow them or you'll find yourself out of here.
This might be harder than I thought.
Whitey
[Starts singing]
If you're coming from the street with dirty shoes on your feet that's a technical foul if you switch the radio to [does air quotes] some "modern" music show, that's a technical foul. If you don't shut the door after using the 'frigerator, that's (x2) a technical foul... if you touch the thermostat
you'll get hit with a bat....
Whitey
...'cause that's a technical foul...
...you will feel my wrath...
Whitey
If your hair clogs the drain...
Whitey
...'cause that's a technical foul...
I'll show you no mercy! [Splits a board with head]
Ho, this is such bullshit!
Whitey
In this house, we say "bullspit" or...
...it's (x2) a technical foul...
Let me get this straight. You expect me to change my lifestyle in one night... Because you guys are a couple of psychotic control freaks?
Whitey
You got it, bub. Or you can go rot in the gutter. It's up to you, Yankee doodle.
I don't want to do that... but let me run a few questions by you so I don't screw up accidentally. If I don't spray Lysol after moving a bowel?
That's a technical foul if I decide to wash my ass with your monogrammed towel?
Whitey
That's a technical foul...
[Points to Eleanor's feet]
If I make fun of your crazy feeties or [motions to Eleanor] give sugar cookies to Miss Diabetes?
Whitey
That's not only a technical foul... [in hushed voice] but possibly a homicide...
Can I sleep past three?!
Whitey
If you do, you'll get a "T"!
Take a whiz in those flowers?!
Whitey
I'll say, "hit the showers"
[Slides down stair railings with a trombone with Whitey snatching it from him]
Use this horn as a bong?!
Whitey
Adios, Tommy Chong!
Make some long-distance calls?!
Whitey
You'll get a kick in the balls, oops!
Can I walk around with my morning erection?
Whitey
If you want an automatic ejection, 'cause that's a technical foul...
But I'd like to see it anyway... [Waves a hand down with Davey making a face of revulsion] ...just kidding. [Flashes eyebrows]
There are certain rules which apply in one's life with your sister, friends or imaginary wife, I can't believe I haven't killed myself here with wigs McGee and the furry elf they took my wig. I remember the look in their eyes, I guess I'll have to deal with your demands but please don't touch me with your alien hands, I got no right to growl the whistle, she's on the prowl...
Without my wig, I look like an owl, hoo-hoo!
Whitey
Oh, my God. Don't laugh at her. Or it's (x3) a technical foul...
I guess Davey will have to make the best of this.
I guess I got to make the best of this.
See. I told you. But that shouldn't be too hard for him. Even loners need company sometimes.
Whitey
Now, I'd like to make this work out. But in order to do so, you're going to have to learn... that youth basketball ain't about you and your lack of respect for others. It's about the kids and teaching them responsibility and teamwork. I've been doing my part for 35 years. Are you ready to join me, big guy? [Drops fries on tray and arranges them to spell out; "Bite Me"] Joke's on you, tough guy. I can't read.
Special delivery for Whitey duvall, sugar-free doughnuts.
Whitey
Every day she does this for me. Jennifer, you're too much. My fraternal twin sister's a diabetic... And out of respect for her and her disease, I don't eat sugar products.
There's a surprise in there you'll like.
Whitey
Don't tell me it's bavarian cream-filled. [Takes a bite] It is bavarian cream-filled! Hubba-bubba! These babies make my taste buds do double daffies, for gosh sakes.
Whitey
Wow, Benjamin, an etch a sketch. Not too shabby.
That's a game boy, you idiot.
Whitey
Sorry, I'm not up on modern technology.
Whitey
[In bathroom shaving]
Shaving the chest.
4 scorpion bowls in 5 minutes? That's got to be a restaurant record.
Well, right now, I'm gonna go for another restaurant record: Longest burp.
[Davey does a loud, long burp as everybody stares at him] [sarcastically]
Congratulations! Now, please excuse me while I go take shower.
It ain't a better time of year. You got no school, you can eat like a pig, and people give you stuff. Kind of makes you feel all tingly inside, doesn't it?
Whitey
You're not welcome in my house.
Good! Your house sucks!
[thinks Davey is holding their house up]
Mister, if you're gonna kill us, will you take off your wet shoes? You're soaking the carpet.
(Davey comes over to see a disgusting sight: Whitey’s butt cheeks are covered with white, furry hair as Whitey puts a jock strap on)
Ugh! Jeezum crow! Did I just see two Persian cats on your ass? I think I’m gonna (burping) BAAARF!