Robbie quotes from The Wedding Singer (1998)

Robbie

All right, remember - alcohol equals puke, equals smelly mess, equals nobody likes you.

Robbie

Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon [fat guy shrugs] And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Robbie

Yeah, have a few drinks and then, you know, drive home.

Robbie

See? Billy Idol gets it!

Robbie

We're living in a material world and I am a material girl...or boy

Robbie

Cindy and Scott are newlyweds! Whoopee-dee-doo!

Robbie

You don't know how much I need you. While you're near me, I don't feel blue and when we kiss I know you need me to. I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. It was a goddamn joke and when I think of you, Linda,I hope you **** choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please! Kill me! I want to die! Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad!

Guest Homaker:You Are The Worst Wedding Singer In The World Buddy ==Dialogue==Robbie:Sir One More Outburst And I Will Strangle You With My Microphone Wire You Understand Me

Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.

Robbie

Well, I have a microphone and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!!

Robbie

Hey, I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything. I just brought her the jacket.

Glenn

Kissed who?

Holly

Oh me.

Glenn

Who hasn't?

David "Dave" Veltri

My brother Harold asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding. I was like [chuckles] of course, man. 'Cause you've always been there for me, when I was in rehab, and the time I couldn't find my car. It's Harold ya know, he's always been the dependable one. I've always been the screwed up one, right dad? [chuckles] Why can't you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord! [laughing]

He's drunk as shit.

Dave

But, uh newsflash pop, Harold ain't so perfect. [to Harold] Remember that time in Puerto Rico we picked up those two uh...I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember payin'. Okay, how 'bout that!

Robbie

Yeah, terrific.

Dave

I'm a person too Pop, goddammit! I'm a person too!

You're a moron!

Robbie

The Best Man, everybody.

Dave

The best man, the better man! [bangs cymbal] Aooooooow!

Robbie

Uh, hey. We've all done crazy things in our life, so... [Robbie is interrupted when Dave picks up Robbie's guitar and starts strumming it.] He's playing the guitar now, isn't that great? You're doin' good.

Dave

Yeah, sounds good? That's cause I'm the best guitar player in the wooorld! Yeaah! Self taught, no lessons. Thank you very much, Pop! [drunkenly stumbles offstage] They'll be divorced in a year! [crowd gasps]

Robbie

Thank you.

Jimmie Moore

No, thank you!

Robbie

For what?

Jimmie

For quitting... or, should I thank Linda? [nudges him] My business has tripled.

Julia

Well, you've just inspired me to hire a DJ. So thank you.

Jimmie

Well, good luck trying to find a DJ who can move and shake like THIS. [wriggles back and foth like a snake slithering]

Glenn

Uh oh...You like her.

Robbie

No, I don't!
Rosie: Are you nervous?

Robbie

I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.

Rosie

I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?

Robbie

Uh...

Rosie

Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.

Robbie

Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.

Rosie

That was a lot back then; it'd be like 200 today!

Robbie Hart? Oh man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!

Robbie

No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing it up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?

No, why would I wanna talk about that?

Robbie

I don't know.

Mr. Simms

Do you have any experience?

Robbie

No sir, I have no experience, but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Kate

Come on Andy! Move your ass!

Andy

Hang on, hun! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!

Petey

Hey Linda, you're a bitch!

Robbie

Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.

Holly

How was your bottle of rum last night?

Julia

Did I vomit on you?

Holly

A little on my shoe, but luckily I was wearing your shoes.

Julia

Good.

Robbie

I can't drink. You see, I'm in love with this girl. She's gone off to marry some idiot in Las Vegas and I'm going there to stop him.

That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard! Where are they getting married?

Robbie

That's the problem, I don't know where. I have to go around every chapel, so you know, you do what you got to do.

Holly

No one will ever solve that!

How you doin', sir - chicken or fish?

Glenn

You better get out of my way, Billy. You're gonna get hurt!

Oh yeah?

Don't you talk to Billy Idol that way!

Julia

May I ask what happened with Linda?

Robbie

She wasn't the right one, I guess.

Julia

Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?

Robbie

I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...

Julia

Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

Robbie

Hey, you're late.

Linda

I'm sorry. I just couldn't do it.

Robbie

Well, if you need some more time, I guess I can wait.

Linda

No, I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever wanna marry you.

Robbie

Jeez, you know, that information might have been a little more useful to me yesterday.

Linda

I've been talking to my friends the last couple of days...

Robbie

Uggh...here it comes.

Linda

...and I've been figuring out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie 'now'. I'm in love with Robbie '6 years ago'. Robbie the lead singer of Final Warning... when I used to come and watch you in the front row with your spandex pants...your silk shirt unbuttoned...licking the microphone like David Lee Roth...

Robbie

I still got the spandex. I'll put 'em on right now.

Linda

The point is I woke up this morning and realized, I'm about to marry a wedding singer. I am never gonna leave Ridgefield!

Robbie

Why do you need to leave Ridgefield? We grew up here. All our friends are here. It's the perfect place to raise a family.

Linda

OH...YEAH...livin' in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekend doing wedding gigs at a whopping sixty bucks a pop?

Robbie

Once again...things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!

Sammy

Uh oh.

Robbie

What?

Sammy

You like her.

Robbie

No, I don't!

Sammy

Of course you do. She's a cool chick with a hot ass.

Robbie

You talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.

Robbie

How much is it?

Flight Attendant

It's free.

Robbie

It's what? Holy shit, this is incredible. Actually, I shouldn't drink. I fell in love with this girl who's going to marry an idiot, so I'm on my way to Vegas to stop them.

That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard! Where are they getting married?

Robbie

That's the problem, I don't know where, but I'm going to run around and find them. I got to do what I got to do.