Guest Homaker:You Are The Worst Wedding Singer In The World Buddy ==Dialogue==Robbie:Sir One More Outburst And I Will Strangle You With My Microphone Wire You Understand Me
Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to share your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie
Well, I have a microphone and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!!
Robbie
Hey, I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything. I just brought her the jacket.
Kissed who?
Oh me.
Who hasn't?
My brother Harold asked me to be the Best Man at his wedding. I was like [chuckles] of course, man. 'Cause you've always been there for me, when I was in rehab, and the time I couldn't find my car. It's Harold ya know, he's always been the dependable one. I've always been the screwed up one, right dad? [chuckles] Why can't you be more like your brother? Harold would never beat up his landlord! [laughing]
He's drunk as shit.
But, uh newsflash pop, Harold ain't so perfect. [to Harold] Remember that time in Puerto Rico we picked up those two uh...I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember payin'. Okay, how 'bout that!
Robbie
Yeah, terrific.
I'm a person too Pop, goddammit! I'm a person too!
You're a moron!
Robbie
The Best Man, everybody.
The best man, the better man! [bangs cymbal] Aooooooow!
Robbie
Uh, hey. We've all done crazy things in our life, so... [Robbie is interrupted when Dave picks up Robbie's guitar and starts strumming it.] He's playing the guitar now, isn't that great? You're doin' good.
Yeah, sounds good? That's cause I'm the best guitar player in the wooorld! Yeaah! Self taught, no lessons. Thank you very much, Pop! [drunkenly stumbles offstage] They'll be divorced in a year! [crowd gasps]
Robbie
Thank you.
No, thank you!
Robbie
For what?
For quitting... or, should I thank Linda? [nudges him] My business has tripled.
Julia
Well, you've just inspired me to hire a DJ. So thank you.
Well, good luck trying to find a DJ who can move and shake like THIS. [wriggles back and foth like a snake slithering]
Uh oh...You like her.
Robbie
No, I don't!
Rosie: Are you nervous?
Robbie
I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.
I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Robbie
Uh...
Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.
Robbie
Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.
That was a lot back then; it'd be like 200 today!
Robbie Hart? Oh man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!
Robbie
No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing it up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?
No, why would I wanna talk about that?
Robbie
I don't know.
Do you have any experience?
Robbie
No sir, I have no experience, but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.
Come on Andy! Move your ass!
Hang on, hun! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!
Hey Linda, you're a bitch!
Robbie
Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.
How was your bottle of rum last night?
Julia
Did I vomit on you?
A little on my shoe, but luckily I was wearing your shoes.
Julia
Good.
Robbie
I can't drink. You see, I'm in love with this girl. She's gone off to marry some idiot in Las Vegas and I'm going there to stop him.
That's the sweetest thing I have ever heard! Where are they getting married?
Robbie
That's the problem, I don't know where. I have to go around every chapel, so you know, you do what you got to do.
No one will ever solve that!
How you doin', sir - chicken or fish?
You better get out of my way, Billy. You're gonna get hurt!
Oh yeah?
Don't you talk to Billy Idol that way!
