'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us!
Sherman Schrader
Jonah Hill · 28 quotes
Bartleby Gaines
Justin Long · 23 quotes
Freaky Guy
19 quotes
Glen
Adam Herschman · 17 quotes
Ben Lewis
Lewis Black · 8 quotes
Rory
Maria Thayer · 1 quote
Most scenes together: Bartleby Gaines & Freaky Guy (14), Sherman Schrader & Bartleby Gaines (13), Sherman Schrader & Freaky Guy (12)
Accepted quotes
Page 1 of 5(on the idea of South Harmon)
Let's start this fake college. Then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. It's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
It's so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally.
****in' A!
A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hands.
That doesn't make any sense.
Oh yeah, Monica, this is Schrader.
Oh yeah, I think we know each other. We were in math class together..I sat behind you, you know..all the way in back...yeah, I don't remember you either..
So you saying you wanna be a SHIT head?
I wanna be a SHIT head.
Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines
I... I, I just don't understand...
DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Jack Gaines
[after long pause]
... Which is?
...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines
[long pause]
I couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines
It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
****in' A!
We have a situation.
I'm kinda busy right now, I'm in the middle of rush--
Ok, remember when we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Yeah, and Lizzie was born.
It's worse than that.
You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
Ask me about my weiner! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r!
Monica Hey.
Oh hey, B. And Monica.
Why are you wearing that?
Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman!
Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.
Listen, could you guys ask me about my weiner real quick?
Schrader (pause), no.
Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my weiner, please!
Why are you doing this?
What do you mean?
This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy.
[angry]
You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier, I'm happy! [storms off, starts chasing another student] Hey, ask me about my weiner!
In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want. You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.
Kid
I want the pump!
I don't got the pump. But look! I've got the Tim Dunkan Adidas Cool D's.
Kid
I want the pump!
Listen you insolent little snot! There are kids right now in Asia, who are sewing your stupid shoes together, so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
This is the worst idea of all time.
Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius. It'll be fine.
Woman
What did you do?
You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid. You know what? Maybe he's ****. I'm glad my mother's DEAD!
He's just having a bad day.
Dean Van Horne [referring to Ben]
Mr. Lewis has not been teaching for over 20 years! He's a delinquent and a drunkard!
Dean Van Horne Oh, sit down!
Dr. Alexander [During the accreditation hearing]
So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students?
[silent]
Dr. Alexander Mr. Gaines! Answer the question!
No, I'm not gonna answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. Just because you want us to be more like them, when we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of, hazing kids, or humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts?
Dean Van Horne Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Why? Why can't we both exist? You can have your grades, and your rules, and your structure and ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne Your curriculum is a joke, and you sir, are a criminal.
No, you're the criminal, because you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion, that's the real crime! What about you parents? Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow, your heart, or roll over, play it safe? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or no, maybe you wanted to be a poet, or a magician, or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I lied to you, and I'm sorry, Dad, especially you. But out of that desperation, something so great happened. Because there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you know it, and I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. Because you don't need grades or rules or structure to really learn, you just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon! So you can go ahead. Sign your forms. Reject us, shoot us down, do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning and we'll never forget the truths that were instilled in us at our place! Because we're S.H.I.T.Heads now, and we'll be S.H.I.T.Heads forever, and nothing you can say or do or stamp can take that away from us, so go!
Diane Gaines
Are you huffing?
Oh god.
Diane Gaines
Are you high?
Jack Gaines
You're huffing grass?
No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, in fact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been.
Jack Gaines
Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college.
Well you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college!
Girl
Can you sign a copy of your book for me. I got it on Ebay.
They sell my shit on Ebay?
Hands You wrote a book?
Yeah, that was back when I was drinking. [He takes a shot]
I got fired from Quick & Stop.
How come?
For making a shrimp slushee.
Aw Glen, that is disgusting! What on Earth inspired you to make that?
I was hungry and thirsty!