Bartleby Gaines [when Hoyt Ambrose comes to talk to him]
Let me guess, you want me to sign a petition banning minorities from your yacht club. No?
Played by Justin Long 
Accepted (2006) · 61 quotes
Accepted (2006) · 61 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Accepted (2006): in 23 of its 61 quotes
Most scenes with: Freaky Guy (14), Sherman Schrader (13), Glen (4)
'Cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us!
More lines from Bartleby Gaines
3 quotes Bartleby Gaines Bartleby Gaines Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.
Bartleby Gaines I'm gonna go enjoy my wad now, okay?
Scenes with Bartleby Gaines
19 scenes Bartleby A bird in the hand, dude. A bird in the hands.
That doesn't make any sense.
Bartleby [seeing Schrader in his hot dog costume]
Oh, no!
Ask me about my weiner! Ask me about my wiener-r-r-r-r-r!
Bartleby [approaching with Monica]
Schrader?
Monica Hey.
Oh hey, B. And Monica.
Bartleby Why are you wearing that?
Every brother of my fraternity has worn this suit. President James Garfield wore this suit like a gentleman!
Bartleby Oh yeah, and look what happened to him? He got assassinated by Charles Guiteau.
Bartleby [Monica and Schrader are silent]
Don't ask me how I know that. [Monica laughs]
Listen, could you guys ask me about my weiner real quick?
Bartleby Schrader (pause), no.
Guys, this is important! My fraternity brothers could be watching me right now! Just ask me about my weiner, please!
Bartleby Why are you doing this?
What do you mean?
Bartleby This, you're humiliating yourself, buddy.
[angry]
You know what, B? Don't mess with me, alright? These are the happiest times of my life right now! I've never been happier, I'm happy! [storms off, starts chasing another student] Hey, ask me about my weiner!
Hey, guys. Don't go in there! That's breaking and entering.
Bartleby C'mon, Schrader, don't be scared.
Scared? I'm not scared, you're scared.
Hands Schrader, you were afraid to taste the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
I told you that in confidence, Hands!
Bartleby Schrader you were afraid when your tooth fell out 'cuz you were terrified of the tooth fairy.
That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.
Bartleby [asking his friends to think up of classes they can offer]
Alright, Schrader. What about you?
Well, B, I'm glad you asked that, actually, cuz since we're going to prison, I want to learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
Dean Van Horne [referring to Ben]
Mr. Lewis has not been teaching for over 20 years! He's a delinquent and a drunkard!
Dean Van Horne Oh, sit down!
Dr. Alexander [During the accreditation hearing]
So, is that it Mr. Gaines? You have one teacher for upwards of 300 students?
Bartleby [silent]
Dr. Alexander Mr. Gaines! Answer the question!
Bartleby No, I'm not gonna answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces. Just because you want us to be more like them, when we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College, and their 100 years of tradition, but tradition of what? Of, hazing kids, or humiliating anyone who's a little bit different? Or putting so much pressure on kids that they become these stress freaks and caffeine addicts?
Dean Van Horne Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Why? Why can't we both exist? You can have your grades, and your rules, and your structure and ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne Your curriculum is a joke, and you sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby No, you're the criminal, because you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion, that's the real crime! What about you parents? Did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow, your heart, or roll over, play it safe? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or no, maybe you wanted to be a poet, or a magician, or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I lied to you, and I'm sorry, Dad, especially you. But out of that desperation, something so great happened. Because there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you know it, and I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. Because you don't need grades or rules or structure to really learn, you just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shitload at South Harmon! So you can go ahead. Sign your forms. Reject us, shoot us down, do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning and we'll never forget the truths that were instilled in us at our place! Because we're S.H.I.T.Heads now, and we'll be S.H.I.T.Heads forever, and nothing you can say or do or stamp can take that away from us, so go!
Bartleby So you saying you wanna be a SHIT head?
I wanna be a SHIT head.
Bartleby Oh yeah, Monica, this is Schrader.
Oh yeah, I think we know each other. We were in math class together..I sat behind you, you know..all the way in back...yeah, I don't remember you either..
Bartleby [bargaining with his sister, Lizzie]
Ok, I'll give you anything you want, not money-related.
Lizze
Your Razor scooter.
Bartleby Ok.
Lizze
And a fake ID.
Bartleby No! I'm not letting you drink!
Lizzie It's so I can vote, dumb-ass.
You need a Razor scooter to vote?
Student
[student runs out of school, throwing his papers in the air] [estactic]
I got into Princeton!
Hey, I think that guy got into Princeton.
Bartleby [rolls eyes]
Oh really? What makes you say that?
Bartleby We have a situation.
I'm kinda busy right now, I'm in the middle of rush--
Bartleby Ok, remember when we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Yeah, and Lizzie was born.
Bartleby It's worse than that.
Hey, you wanted to fool your dad and the guy's not an idiot. And also, it was your idea to put acceptance letters as just "one click away".
Bartleby Yeah, you put it as "one click away", you don't make it clickable!
Look what I did.
Bartleby Ugh, what are those?
I call them Glen Wads. They contain every delicious flavor in every single bite. Try one.
Bartleby I'm not gonna lie to you, they look disgusting.
This shit will get you high on flavor alone.
Kiki Glen, I love your Wads.
In life, it's important to distinguish between need and want. You think you want something because you've been conditioned to want it.
Kid
I want the pump!
I don't got the pump. But look! I've got the Tim Dunkan Adidas Cool D's.
Kid
I want the pump!
Listen you insolent little snot! There are kids right now in Asia, who are sewing your stupid shoes together, so that their family can have a bowl of rice to eat tonight!
This is the worst idea of all time.
Bartleby Your Uncle Ben used to be a genius. It'll be fine.
Woman
What did you do?
You're the one who emotionally crippled the kid. You know what? Maybe he's ****. I'm glad my mother's DEAD!
Bartleby He's just having a bad day.
Bartleby [A supposed dead body (mannequin) falls from the ceiling. Schrader screams in an extremely high-pitched tone] [stares in disbelief at Schrader]
Schrader, what the hell was that?!
Well that's embarrasing.
Bartleby Are you kidding?
It would be really cool if you guys didn't tell people I scream like that.
Bartleby Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines
I... I, I just don't understand...
DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby [quietly]
Holy shit...
Jack Gaines
[after long pause]
... Which is?
...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines
[long pause]
I couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines
It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
****in' A!
Bartleby You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
Diane Gaines
Are you huffing?
Bartleby Oh god.
Diane Gaines
Are you high?
Jack Gaines
You're huffing grass?
Bartleby No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, in fact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been.
Jack Gaines
Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college.
Bartleby Well you know what? Maybe I didn't get into college!
I got fired from Quick & Stop.
Bartleby How come?
For making a shrimp slushee.
Bartleby Aw Glen, that is disgusting! What on Earth inspired you to make that?
I was hungry and thirsty!
Lizzie Gaines Bartleby, I know that this is not real. I will tell Mom and Dad.
Bartleby Fine, I dare you!
Lizzie [Lizzie uses her cell phone]
Hello Mom, I was just visiting Bartleby. Could you please pick me up at...
Bartleby [Bartleby disrupts call]
OK, OK, you win. Name something, not money related.
Lizzie Your razor scooter.
Bartleby Done.
Lizzie And a fake ID.
Bartleby No way! I will not be an accessory to you buying booze!
Lizzie It is so I can vote, doofus!
Bartleby Oh, well then OK.
