Owen Wilson movie quotes

View Quote Speed. I am speed.

View Quote Float like a Cadillac, sting like a Beamer.

View Quote 1 winner, 42 losers. I eat losers for breakfast.

View Quote [drunk in Huggy's bar, talking to another customer] Ruin me! He didn't care if he got ruined, that was the whole point of the episode.

View Quote [ducking] That ain't a kid, it's a tiny little man... And he's got knives. Goddamn.

View Quote I've always had this theory about police work. If you can't beat 'em? join 'em! Besides, a lot of cops worry about the wrong thing - crime. Not me though. I'm looking out for numero uno.

View Quote Me and my friends have been too busy sunbathing off the southern coast of St. Bart's with spider monkeys for the past two weeks, tripping on acid. Changed our whole perspective on shit.

View Quote We've got thirty years worth of files, right here in this computer, they're gonna bring you down!! [Throws the computer off the balcony, still thinking that the files are _in_ the computer.] [After the computer smashed up on the ground:] Where'd all the files go?

View Quote [Talking about the files] They're in the computer?

View Quote Ca-caw! Ca-caw!

View Quote Here are just a few of the key ingredients: dynamite, pole vaulting, laughing gas, choppers - can you see how incredible this is going to be? - hang gliding, come on!

View Quote What a lemon! One minute it's running like a top, and the next it's broken down on the side of the road. And I can't fix a car like this, because I don't have the tools! And even if I did have the tools I don't know if I could fix a car like this!

View Quote Mater: Wow, I can't believe they renamed the Piston Cup after our very own Doc Hudson.
Lightning McQueen: I know Doc said these things were just old cups, but to have someone else win it just didn't feel right, you know?
Mater: Well, Doc would've been real proud of you, that's for sure.

View Quote [The camera shows McQueen, Francesco and Carla on the podium as they get interviewed]
Photographer: Francesco!
Darrell: Francesco, over here. Hey, what was your strategy today?
Francesco: Strategia? Francesco needs-a no strategy, it’s-a very simple: You start the race, wait for Lightning McQueen to choke, pass him, then win. Francesco always-a wins, it’s a boring. [Lightning rolls his eyes.]
Darrell: I gotta tell you dude, you were in trouble for awhile. That dirt track section had you crawlin’. [Lightning notices Mater leaving and sneaks off.]
Francesco: To truly crush one’s dream, you must first raise their hopes very high.
Lightning: [meets up with Mater in his pit garage] MATER!
Mater: Hey, McQueen! What happened, is the race over? You won, right?
Lightning: Mater, why were you yelling things at me while I was racing?!
Mater: "Yellin'"? Oh, you thought... [chuckles] Oh! That's funny right there. Naw. See, that's 'cause I seen these two fellers doing some sort of karate street performance. It was nut so. One of 'em even had a flamethrower...
Lightning: [with worry and disbelief] "A flamethrower"? What are you talking about? I-I don't understand, where were you?
Mater: Goin' to meet my date.
Lightning: [confused] Your date?
Mater: She started talkin' to me as a voice in my head, tellin' me where to go–-
Lightning: What?
Mater: [noticing Lightning's angry glare] Wait a minute. I didn't screw you up, did I?
Lightning: [angrily] I lost the race because of you!
Mater: [shocked] Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Lightning: An imaginary girlfriend? Flamethrowers? You know, this is exactly why I don't bring you along to these things!
Mater: Maybe if I, I don't know... talk to somebody, and explain what happened, I could help.
Lightning: I don't need your help. I don't want your help. [drives off, but is stopped by the paparazzi and Mater is upset]
Reporter 1: Hey, there he is!
Reporter 2: McQueen, you had it in the bag!
Reporter 3: Yeah, what happened?
Lightning: I-I made a mistake, but I can assure you, it won't happen again. [Mater drives over to the TV monitors; he slumps] Look, guys. We know what the problem is, and we've taken care of it! [Mater sadly drives away]
Brent: [on TV] Lightning McQueen loses in the last lap to Francesco Bernoulli in the first race of the World Grand Prix. And three, count em', three cars flamed out, leaving some to suggest that their fuel, Allinol, might be to blame.
Miles: [interviewed] Allinol is safe! Alternative fuel is safe! There is no way my fuel caused these cars to flame out!
Darrell: Well, the jury may still be out on whether allinol caused these accidents, but one thing's for sure: Lightning McQueen blew this race!
Brent: Team McQueen can’t be happy right now.

View Quote [Grem pushes the emitter's lever to 75% power, and aims it at Shu Todoroki]
Finn: No!
Miles: Long live Lemons!
[Suddenly, Shu Todoroki's engine explodes due to the weapon]
Brent: Oh, number 7 is loose! Shu Todoroki!
[Miguel Camino tries to brake, but crashes into Todoroki. Then, Max Schnell tries to brake, but crashes into the two. After that, Raoul ÇaRoule and Rip Clutchgoneski try to brake, but they also crash into the three. Jeff Gorvette and Lewis Hamilton brake just in time, leaving them as the only survivors. Holley watches in shock.]
Holley: [Gasps after spotting Finn taken away by the helicopter] Finn?
Brent: Bumper to bumper as they approach the finish line! McQueen's the winner! Francesco’s second! They have no idea what happened behind them.
Francesco: Ugh! This is impossible!
Lightning: That’s what I’m talking about! Ka-chow! [Ambulances sirens] Wh- What happened? Where are all the other cars?
Francesco: What is going on?
[They look at car crashes on the TV screens]
Lightning: Oh, no!
[A chopper is then seen rushing towards the scene, as the press surrounds Axlerod]
Brent: [on TV] Sir Axlerod, is the final race in London still going to take place?
Miles: [on TV] I suppose that... [sighs] Look, the show must go on, as they say. But now is not the time to talk about...
J. Curby: I can't believe this is really happening!
Vladimir: Shh! Quiet!
Brent: [on TV] And allinol? Will you require all the racers to still run on allinol?
Vladimir: [chuckles] Here it comes!
Miles: [on TV] I cannot, in good conscience, continue to risk the lives of any more race cars. The final race will not be run on allinol.
Lemons: [cheering] Ah-ha-ha! Ha-ha! [continue cheering]
Brent: [on TV, to the TV viewers] There you have it, a clearly devastated Sir Miles Axlerod announcing that he will not require the cars to use allinol for the final race.
Prof. Z: [as casino staff pop lemonade corks] A toast! To the death of allinol and alternative fuel forever!
Holley: [rushing away from the casino] Mater, abort the mission! They've got Finn. Get out of there. Get out of there right now!
[Suddenly, she stops after turning a corner revealing several angry black Hugos in front of her; she gasps]
Ivan: [appearing behind Holley] How is your grandfather?
[The camera shows the lemons inside the casino are cheering, while Mater, who is now all on his own, is about to leave.]
All cars: [chanting] Long live lemons!
Alex: Isn’t this a great party, Ivan, huh?
Mater: Oh yeah, it’s unbelievable.
Alex: You’re not leaving, are you?
Mater: Uh, of course I’m not leaving.
Lightning: [on TV] Just in shock like everybody...
Mater: McQueen?
Lightning: [on TV] Crashes are a part of racing, I know, but something like that should never happen.
Darrell: [on TV] They're letting you choose your fuel for the final race. Do you have any idea what it's gonna be?
Lightning: [on TV] Allinol.
Lemons: [all gasp] What?!
J. Curby: Did he just say Allinol?!
Darrell: [on TV] After today?
Lightning: [on TV] My friend Fillmore says the fuel's safe. That's good enough for me. I didn't stand by a friend of mine recently. I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice.
Brent: [on TV] So a surprising revelation from Lightning McQueen. He will use allinol in the final race, despite what occurred today.
Prof. Z: [listening to the mastermind on the telephone] Yes, sir.
Miles: [indistinctly] ...Till Lightning McQueen is dead!
Prof. Z: Of course. [to his fellow Lemons] Allinol must be finished for good. McQueen cannot win the last race. Lightning McQueen must be killed!
Mater: No! [quickly backs up and the emergency light gets bashed by one of the televisions. The bash causes the device to malfunction, as the disguise changes into taco truck form, with his horn playing "La Cucaracha" as several tacos fall out.]
Prof. Z: (Huh?) [It cycles through his other forms: Dracula, funny car, lederhosen, before finally showing Mater's true form, as he nervously smiles; alarmed] It's the American spy!! [the Lemons all draw their weapons]
Mater: Dad-gum!
Computer: Gatling gun, request acknowledged. [two Gatling guns appear out of Mater's sides]
Prof. Z: DOWN!!! DOWN!!! EVERYBODY, DOWN!!!!
Mater: Shoot. I didn't mean--
Computer: Request acknowledged. [Mater's guns fire madly, shooting everything in the room as the Lemons drive for cover. The force of the guns makes Mater back out of the room and onto the balcony]
Mater: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait!! I didn't mean that kind of "shoot"!
Mater's Computer: Correction acknowledged. Deploying chute. [a parachute appears out of Mater's back]
Mater: Whoa-a-a! [carries him into the air. The Lemons watched as Mater go high up in the air and saw McQueen onstage] McQueen! [spots a motorboat and hook onto it.]
Boat: Whoa! What's this?!
Mater: Whoa!
Boat: Yah!
Mater: [sees McQueen onstage] McQueen! McQueen! Whoa!
[Suddenly, his tow cable comes off the boat, causing him to fall.]
Mater: Aah! [hits the leaves of a palm tree, then a hotel sign, and is about to hit a market stall]
Market Seller: Waagh! [gets hit as the screen goes black]
Mater: Let me through! Let me through! [covered in Francesco memorabilia and palm leaves, Mater skids to a halt at the media's entrance] You gotta let me in! I gotta get through to warn McQueen!
Italian Security #1: You cannot-a come through here! Back up, signore.
Italian Security #2: [into a walkie-talkie] We have a lunatic at Gate 9...
Mater: No, listen! I was disguised as a tow truck to infiltrate this Lemonhead meetin' and my weapons system misinterpreted what I was sayin'!
Italian Security #2: I repeat. Lunatic at Gate 9.
Mater: [looks past the gate] McQueen! McQueen!
Press: You are the champion!
Press Liaison: Right this way, signore.
Mater: McQueen!
Lightning: Mater?
Mater: McQueen!
Press: Give us a pose!
Mater: McQueen!
Italian Security #1: Back up, sir.
Italian Security #2: Stop moving! Stop!
[Mater darts around the securities and speeds towards the press surrounding McQueen, all his decorations dropping off]
Italian Security #1: Hey, hey, hey! Where are you going? Oy! Stop! Ferma li!
Mater: McQueen!
Lightning: That really sounded like Mater. Mater?
Press Liaison: Signore...
Mater: McQueen! They're gonna kill you!
Lightning: Mater!
Press Liaison: Signore, please...
Lightning: [moves through the press crowd] Uhhhh... scusi, scusi.
Press Liaison: No, no, where are you going?! Please, Mr. McQueen!!
Lightning: Scusi. Mater!
Mater: McQueen!
Lightning: Scusi... Mater! Mater! Mater, I'm so glad to see you. I'm so sorry--
Ivan: Lightning McQueen! I am a huge fan!
Lightning: [surprised] Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I heard--
Ivan: Yes, but that was me. I said, "You killed out there today." You're the best.
Lightning: What? Oh. I mean, thanks.
Press Liaison: Right this way, signore.
Lightning: [pushed back in the other direction] I-I really thought I heard my friend.
Ivan: In England, you'll be finished. At the finish line.
Lightning: Wait, what?
Press Liaison: Please, uh, the world press is waiting. You come-a with me, please.
[Mater, now bound and with his mouth taped, is pulled away and thrown into the back of a transport vehicle. He lands hard on his side, spitting out his tape]
Mater: Let me go!
Prof. Z: You actually care about that race car. A pity you didn't warn him in time.
[The transport vehicle's door shuts, trapping Mater inside, and blacks him out with sleeping gas]

View Quote I've never seen so many electric jellyfish in all my life!

View Quote I still wish I could breathe underwater.

View Quote I ought to have stayed in Kentucky where I belong.

View Quote I'm going to need a couple of jars of jelly on the plane and two parachutes.

View Quote [To Kelly] It's like you're a double-agent! It's like you're working against me!

View Quote This man is Arnold Gundars, premiere arms dealer. We believe he has the switchblade.

View Quote Grow up Peter Pan; Count Chocula!

View Quote I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a **** race horse.

View Quote There he is, the big guy!

View Quote Mater: [talking to Lightning on his smartphone] You know what I'd do?
Lightning: What?
Mater: ... I dunno. I got nothin'.

View Quote [After the Crazy 8, Cruz watches the news with a trophy while Lightning is completely miffed. It seems all hope is lost]
Cruz: So... trophy's kinda nice. Don't you think? [all she gets is Lightning's glare] I - I mean, I know like, you've got a billion of them, so y - you would know. [Lightning still doesn't respond] I still can't believe I won. Heheh. It's pretty shiny. I have never seen one up close. Looks like they spent a lot of money on it, I - I mean, I think it's real metal —
Lightning: Stop. Just stop, okay, Cruz? You don't even know. You don't even have one clue!
Cruz: Hey! I was just trying to —
Lightning: Do you know what happens if I lose this race? [Cruz doesn't answer] Every mile of this trip was to get me faster than Jackson Storm. Faster! I start off getting nowhere for a week, on a simulator [Luigi and Guido open a curtain in concern, watching the outburst, and Mack shows concern too], I lose a whole day with you on Fireball Beach, and then, I waste tonight in the crosshairs of MISS FRITTER! I'm stuck in the same speed I was a month ago! I can't get any faster because I'm too busy TAKING CARE OF MY TRAINER! [Cruz is feeling silent and hurt] This is my last chance, Cruz. Last! Final! Finito! If I lose, I never get to do this again! If you were a racer, you'd know what I'm talking about! But you're not! So you don't! [he slams his tire at the wall, causing Cruz's trophy to break onto the floor; Cruz is shocked, and then turns to anger of her own]
Cruz: Mack! Pull over!
Mack: What? Now?
Cruz: NOW! [she pushes the button to open Mack's trailer]
Mack: Ah! OK, OK! [starts pulling over from the road] Pulling over! Pulling over!
[Mack stops as Cruz drives out of his trailer while Lightning watches]
Cruz: Ask me if I dreamed of being a trainer, Mr. McQueen, go ahead! Ask me if I got up, in the dark, to run laps before school every day! Ask me if I saved every penny to buy a ticket to the races when they came to town. Ask me if I did that so that I could be a trainer someday. Ask me.
Lightning: [brief pause] Did you--?
Cruz: No! I've wanted to become a racer forever! Because of you! [Lightning is shocked; Cruz is now heartbroken] I used to watch you on TV — flying through the air. You seemed so ... fearless. "Dream small, Cruz." That's what my family used to say. "Dream small, or not at all." They were just trying to protect me. But I was the fastest kid in town, and I was going to prove them wrong.
Lightning: What happened?
Cruz: When I got to my first race, I figured it out.
Lightning: What?
Cruz: That I didn't belong. The other racers looked nothing like me. You know... they... they were bigger, and stronger, and so... confident. And when they started their engines, that was it. I knew I'd never be a racer. I just left. It was my one shot, and I didn't take it. [Lightning becomes remorseful; as she decides to leave] Yeah, so, uh... I - I'm gonna head back to the training center. I think we both know it's for the best. [starts to drive away, but turns around again] But, can I ask you something? What was it like for you, when you showed up to your first race? How did you know you could do it?
Lightning: I don't know, I... I just never thought I couldn't.
Cruz: I wish I knew what that felt like. Good luck, Mr. McQueen. [turns to leave]
Lightning: (No!) Cruz! Cruz, wait!
[Cruz ignores Lightning and he sighs]

View Quote Sterling: Hey! Lightning! Come in, got something to show ya. You ready?
Lightning: Uh... for what? [He enters; Sterling shows him of array of Lightning McQueen-themed merchandise] Wow.
Sterling: You are about to become the best brand in racing. We are talking saturation on all continents for every demographic. Movie deals, infomercials, product endorsements!
Lightning: Mudflaps?
Sterling: Of course! We'll be rich beyond belief! You think you're famous now?
[Both laugh]
Lightning: Thought you'd be mad about the simulator, I mean th-this is all great, Mr. Sterling, I guess, but... I don't know. I never really thought of myself as a brand.
Sterling: Oh, nor do I. I'm a fan, maybe your most avid. I think of this as your legacy.
Lightning: [pause, chuckles weirly] That... that sounds like something that happens after you're... [with sudden realization] ...done racing. [Long pause] Mr. Sterling, what is this about?
Sterling: Look, Lightning. [inhales] I'm not gonna race you.
Lightning: [shocked] What? What do you mean, not race me?
Sterling: Hold on, hold on.
Lightning: I'm not going to Florida?
Sterling: Lightning! You have no idea how excited I was to get you here because I knew. I knew you'd be back! Was gonna be the comeback story of the year, but... your speed and performance just aren't where they need to be. I'm sorry.
Lightning: Wha... we're talking about speed on a simulator! Listen to how crazy that sounds!
Sterling: Look, I'm trying to help you. As your sponsor, yes, but also as your friend. Your racing days are coming to an end. Every time you lose, you damage yourself.
Lightning: Damage the brand, you mean?
Sterling: Oh, Lightning, come on! You've done the work, now move on the next phase and reap the reward!
Lightning: The racing is the reward! Not the stuff! I - I don't wanna cash in, I - I wanna feel the rush of moving 200 miles an hour! Inches from the other guys, pushing myself faster than I thought I'd go! That's the reward, Mr. Sterling!
Sterling: Oh, Lightning, come on.
Lightning: Look, I can do this! I - I - I can, I promise! I - I - I'll train like I did with Doc! I-I'll get my tires dirty on every dirt track from here to Florida! I - I can start right there on Fireball Beach, where all the old greats used to race!
Sterling: Get your tires dirty? That's how you're gonna get faster than Storm?
Lightning: Yes! Exactly! I mean — sacred dirt, right? Mr. Sterling, if you care about my legacy, the one that Doc started, you'll let me do this! I promise you! I will win!
Sterling: [sighs] I don't know. What you're asking is too risky.
Lightning: Come on, you'll like it, I can tell! It's got that little comeback story of the year feel, doesn't it?!
Sterling: [sighs and rolls his eyes; pauses] One race? [Lightning nods] If you don't win at Florida, you retire?
Lightning: Look, if I don't win, I'll sell all the mudflaps you got. But if I do win, I decide when I'm done. Deal?
Sterling: [pauses] Deal.
Lightning: Thank you, Mr. Sterling. You won't be sorry.
Sterling: Just one thing, and this is only because I don't like taking chances: you're taking someone with you.
[Lightning starts to leave but stops, speechless.]

View Quote ...They look sad... (When asked if the Mayans looked happy)

View Quote It's a big no-can-do, crackerjack!

View Quote Manifest Destiny, my man, expand or die!

View Quote Dupree: [riding off on his bike] I'll be fine.
[almost immediately is knocked off by a car]

View Quote Dupree: The doctor said most of my injuries are emotional.

View Quote Carl: What you did in the bathroom last night was disgusting.
Dupree: I know, I'm never eating buffalo wings again.

View Quote Reggie: Well, I guess this is good-bye.
Jake: No, Reggie. Good-byes are just hello’s, carried across the wind until our paths... intersect once again.
Reggie: That's beautiful… and confusing.

View Quote Elder Turkey: Our world is made of corn. [grabs leaf] Leafy corn. [has corn in hand] Corn corn.
[Elder Turkey waves hand at sun]
Elder Turkey: Fire corn!
Reggie: That's an awesome theory, but I think they actually call that the Sun.
Elder Turkey: [pauses] Owwut. OUT!

View Quote [STEVE returns as quickly as he left]
Reggie: Jake, what happened? You were only were gone like a second.
Jake: Actually, I've been gone for years. Have you heard about the turducken?
[Reggie and Jenny share a look of shock]
Chicken: BAWK!
Duck: QUACK!

View Quote A dog doesn't care if you're rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart and he will give you his.

View Quote Arnie Klein: Listen, take a vacation. Go away for a couple of weeks. Take a month off.
John Grogan: Go where?
Arnie Klein: I dunno.
John Grogan: I live in a vacation spot.
Arnie Klein: Then go to someplace where it's painful and sad.

View Quote Lisa: I told myself not to scream, but I screamed and he stabbed me.
John Grogan: [checking the wound] It's not that bad, in all the drama, I didn't catch your name.
Lisa: Lisa.
John Grogan: Lisa, it's going to be okay, we're going to sit here with you and wait for the police to get here, it's going to be alright.

View Quote Dad's bags aren't gonna make it.

View Quote I'll take the bottom bunk because I'm the oldest and my ankle's fractured.

View Quote Did you just **** that Indian girl?

View Quote Gil: Can I ask you the biggest favor in the world?
Hemingway: What is it?

View Quote Helen: It’s always the maid.
Gil: Would you read it?
Hemingway: Your novel?
Gil: Yah, it’s like 400 pages long and I’m just looking for an opinion.
Hemingway: My opinion is that I hate it.
Gil: You haven’t even read it yet.
Hemingway: If it’s bad, I'll hate it because I hate bad writing. If it’s good I’ll be envious and I’ll hate it all the more. You don’t want the opinion of another writer.

View Quote Gil: This is unbelievable! Look at this! There's no city like this in the world. There never was.
Inez: You act like you've never been here before.
Gil: I don't get here often enough, that's the problem. Can you picture how drop dead gorgeous this city is in the rain? Imagine this town in the '20s. Paris in the '20s, in the rain. The artists and writers!
Inez: Why does every city have to be in the rain? What's wonderful about getting wet?

View Quote One man's monster is another man's Halloween costume.

View Quote This mansion is unhinged.

View Quote You want to be a hero?

View Quote Look, even our dear friend, the Buddha had to pass through samsara on his way to enlightenment.

View Quote I speak from the heart, off the cuff, like my man, J.C. at the Sermon on the Mount. You said that's what you've always admired about me.

View Quote Look, it's natural to get a little tempted.

View Quote Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack: I think they call that the 'munchies'.

View Quote Kevin: Are you a homeowner, Greg?
Greg: No, no, I rent.
Kevin: Oh.
Jack: So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
Greg: Wow.
Kevin: What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
Greg: I'm in health care.
Kevin: Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
Greg: I'd say strong...to quite strong.
Kevin: You gotta strike while the iron's hot. Now's the time.
Jack: Greg's a male nurse.
Greg: That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Kevin: Well, that's great. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Greg: Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
Kevin: An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.

View Quote Pam: Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick!
Kevin: Sweet setup, Iceman.
Denny: [sarcastically] Nice one, Nurse.
Larry: Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
Greg: It's Greg.
Jack: Huddle up, team. Come on. This is unacceptable.
Bob: He's gotta go for the ball.
Jack: Here's what we gotta do.
Bob: Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
Larry: We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
Greg: Larry, I missed one shot.
Larry: It was a big shot.
Jack: Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it?
Denny: No.
Greg: Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack: I bet you would, Panama Red.

View Quote What's the deal with the Addams Family mansion?

View Quote We don't have time for baby talk.

View Quote Theo: Is this one of your sick jokes, Luke?
Luke: What? You really think I wrote that?
Theo: You found it; you could have.
Luke: How, with the 20-foot ladder I keep in my back pocket?

View Quote A.J.: No. If anybody's anybody, I'm Han and you're Chewbacca.
Oscar: Chewie! Have you even seen Star Wars?

View Quote Harry: None of you have to go. You can all just sit here on Earth and wait for this big rock to crash into it, killing everything and everybody we know. The United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?
Chick: 20 years. Haven't turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.
Freddy Noonan: Guess I can't let you go up there alone.
Bear: I'm with you.
Oscar: Man, this is historic. Guys, this is, like, deep blue hero stuff! Of course I'm in.
Rockhound: While I don't share his enthusiasm…you know me. Beam me up, Scotty!
Harry: You all right, Max?
Max: I…I…whatever you think?
Harry: [to A.J] How about you?
A.J.: I'm in.
Harry: All right then. We go.
Rockhound: I don't mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but…do you think we'll get hazard pay out of this?

View Quote [The team are listing their conditions for going on the mission]
Truman: So what's the verdict?
Harry Stamper: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.
Truman: Such as?
Stamper: [riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.
Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...
Stamper: [to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.
Oscar: Okay.
Stamper: Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens, no questions asked. Max would like you to...bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya? [Truman and the General look at him] Didn't think so. Um, Bear would like to stay at the... [tries to read writing] "White horse"? [looks up at Bear]
Bear: White. House. White House.
Stamper: White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.
Truman: Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.
Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!
Stamper: [motions back at Rockhound] Yeah, one more thing, um...none of them wanna pay taxes again. Ever. [Kimsey and Truman stare at Harry, who smirks and shrugs]

View Quote Holy Shit! We're being painted!

View Quote [being chased by the S.A.M] Chaff! Chaff! Chaff!

View Quote Admiral Reigart: You still got your boots, have you, cowboy?
Chris Burnett: Roger. They were tied on.

View Quote Drillbit: U.S. Army Ranger, black ops operative, decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.
Wade: Are you still in the military?
Drillbit: I was discharged. Unauthorized heroism.

View Quote Drillbit: So what'd you do to provoke him?
Wade: Well he's fat, and he's a dork, and I'm awesome.

View Quote Drillbit: God damn it, I'm sick of getting hit by this kid.
Ryan: Come on, Drillbit. Kick his ass.
Drillbit: I can't! He's a minor!
Kid: No, he's not. He's 18.

View Quote [to Kahmunrah] Two words come to mind when I hear you speak: delusional and weirdo. And If I had to pick a third... goofy. Just plain goofy.

View Quote [to the fleeing Underworld army] Adios, Birdbrains!

View Quote Kahmunrah: Tell me the combination and give me the tablet right now or I shall KILL all of your friends starting with this little shaggy-headed little cowman here!
Jedediah: I ain't shaggy-headed! Gigantor, let me take this guy!
Larry Daley: Don't worry, I got this handled. [to Kahmunrah] You don't wanna give me my friends, then you're not gonna get your combination or your Tablet.
Kahmunrah: Alright, I'll tell you what, alright. They didn't call me Kahmunrah the Trustworthy for nothing, alright? [starts to hand him the hourglass] Here you go.. [jerks it back] They DIDN'T call me Kahmunrah the trustworthy! They called me Kahmunrah the BLOODTHIRSTY, who kills whoever doesn't give Kahmunrah exactly what he wants in the moment that he wants it, which is RIGHT NOW, when I had also better get the combination and the Tablet!
Larry Daley: That's what they called you?
Kahmunrah: It was shorter in Egyptian.
Larry Daley: Great, well, I'll give you the combination after you give him back! [reaches for the tablet]
Kahmunrah: How dare you! If you touch that again I shall kill you right now. Do not touch this. [makes a line in front of the hourglass with his hand] This is a 'No-Touching' zone!
Larry Daley: Good, well, then... [reaches for it]
Kahmunrah: Oh my GOD! I can't believe you reached across like that again! I can't even believe it! Oh, God! I want to kill you right now! If you didn't know this combination, you would be so dead right now, it would be unbelievable!
Larry Daley: Great, well, I do know the combination...
Kahmunrah: [making a line with his arm] DON'T CROSS THIS LINE with your hand!
[Larry starts to say something]
Kahmunrah: How dare you! If you speak again, if you SPEAK AGAIN, I'm going to kill you! Do you understand this? Don't say it! Oh, God I see you getting ready! Oh, my GOD! Don't say anything! Now, give me that Tablet and tell me the combination.
Larry Daley: Alright, after you give me Jed and release my friends. [reaches for the hourglass]
Kahmunrah: [he freaks out] You did all three! You spoke and you reached your hand across!
Larry Daley: Look, I can talk to you about this all night!
Kahmunrah: How about this? How about I DON'T kill you, like I really, really want to, and I give you precisely five seconds to hand over that Tablet and tell me the combination?
Al Capone: [coming in carrying Einstein] We already got the combination! It's pi. 3.14159265! This little guy sang. Oh did he sing? Like a canary!
Einstein Bobblehead: Sorry, Larry.

View Quote Why don't you take a picture? It'll last longer!

View Quote Laa: Dada!
Larry Daley: No, no, I'm not your dada. Yes, we look similar.
Laa: Dada.
Larry: No touching. [he slaps Laa's hand] Stop it.
Sir Lancelot: Sir Lancelot, at your service.
Theodore Roosevelt: Theodore Roosevelt, President of the United States of America.
Lancelot: I have no idea what that means.
Jedediah: Where the heck are we?
[The Pompeii volcano starts to erupt.]
Octavius: Ohh... Pompeii.
[They run away in the Pompeii exhibit as lava comes after them.]
Jedediah: This is the last round up!
[The lava comes close to them until Dexter the monkey pees on them and the lava to save them.]
Octavius: We must never speak of what happened here today.
[Dexter pees on them again.]
Jedediah: Come on, that wasn't necessary!
Pharaoh: You are speaking to the Pharaoh. Kiss my staff!
Larry: Oh, uh... is it okay if I don't?
[From trailer]
Lancelot: You always put the monkey in charge?
Larry: Oh, he's not in charge, we're just following him.
Lancelot: That's what being in charge means.
[From trailer]
Roosevelt: Never run from a big cat, Lawrence.
[Larry turns on his flashlight to make the lion statues chase it.]
Jedediah: You can't ambush me with that kinda cute!
[From trailer]
Larry: You know what you have to do?
Laa: Stay.
Larry: That's right, just make sure she stays in there.
[Laa is blocking the security guard door]
Tilly: You better let me out! What are you staring at? What, have you never seen a gorgeous woman before... who could be a model if she didn't love pizza so much.
Larry: [noticing that it's almost morning and sighs as Teddy approaches his inanimate horse and turns to face him] I guess this is it.
Teddy: Indeed. And I know young Nick will do great things.
Larry: Yeah, he's uh... Ready to take on the world all by himself.
Teddy: Then you've done your job. You've done your job. It's time for your next adventure.
Larry: [feeling uneasy] I have no idea what I'm gonna do tomorrow.
Teddy: How exciting.
Larry: [smiles sadly as he watches Teddy mount his horse] Bye, Teddy.
Teddy: Farewell, Lawrence. [draws his sword; it looks as though he's gone dormant, and then shouts at Larry, who jumps, causing Teddy to laugh] Bully! Gotcha! [laughs] Smile, my boy. [looks out at the illuminated window] It's sunrise. [Larry looks at the window as Teddy returns to his usual pose, and looks back just in time to see Teddy go dormant permanently, marking the end of him and the other exhibits coming to life at night]