Gaylord 'Greg' Focker Sorry, folks. Had to pay a little visit to the urinal fairy.
3rd most-quoted character in Meet the Parents (2000): in 32 of its 44 quotes
Most scenes with: Pam Byrnes (28), Jack Byrnes (22), Dina (8)
I'd better get upstairs...and pay a little visit to the shower fairy.
More lines from Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
2 quotes Gaylord 'Greg' Focker Gaylord 'Greg' Focker [on tape]
Hello, Jack. Oh, look at that. Nice Jack. Hi. What's that, Jack? What? You're a big, bad C.I.A. man, huh? Did they teach you that [karate chops in front of the camera] in the C.I.A.? They teach you that? Oh, yeah. What's that, Jack? What? Yeah, you thought Puff was just the name of the boy's magical dragon? Uh-huh. Not too quick on the uptake, huh, Jack? Why don't you ask Denny who's puffin' the magic dragon? Not onto that one, huh? Surprising for a big C.I.A. pulse detector. Ooh. Hey, hey, check my pulse on this question, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes. What? Oh, you like my little gift? What? The Jerusalem what? What? I can't hear you. Jerusalem toodle-oo-poosey, poosley-loo? What? What? Oh, you don't know shit about flowers. What's that? You want me to what? You have another question? Sure. I got one question for you. It's can you deal with that!?
Scenes with Gaylord 'Greg' Focker
29 scenes
Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Greg Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
F-Focker.
Hmm, Focker.
Greg Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it?
What's so weird about it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
Greg That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Greg Yeah, makes sense.
But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury. I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Greg Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
[The family stares at him blankly.]
He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
Greg [Long pause]
Ah, right. Opposable-- I didn't think about that.
Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Greg Okay.
I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
Greg [Chuckles nervously]
Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
Greg No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
Greg I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?
So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Greg Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Oh, is that better than a nurse?
No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Greg Well--
No, they do.
Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
Greg No, Jack, not traditionally.
Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids...and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain...that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg Sure, I think so.
No, the answer is you cannot.
Greg, how come you don't like cats?
Greg I don't not like cats. I-I just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of--
You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
Greg I--
You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.
Greg Huh.
Greg [about the song Puff the Magic Dragon]
Great song.
Yeah, one of my favorites.
Greg Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
What do you mean?
Greg You know, the whole drug thing.
No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Greg Some people think that...to "puff the magic dragon" means to-- They're really, uh-- to smoke-- to smoke-- a marijuana cigarette.
Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Greg Right.
Are you a pothead, Focker?
Greg No! No.
What?
Greg No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I-- I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Yes or no, Greg?
Greg No. Yes. No.
Greg, would you like to say grace?
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.
Greg No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
Okay.
Greg O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle...and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts...for the...smorgasbord...You have so aptly lain at our table this day...and each day...by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly...day by day...by day. Amen. Amen.
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Thank you, Greg. That was interesting too.
Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
Greg What? No! What-What-What poem?
You see, when Jack had to retire...for health reasons...
That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Please, we really wanna hear it.
Greg Poem, poem. Please!
Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate...and put it next to the urn.
Greg Nice.
It's very special.
"My Mother" by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven, but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too. Selfishly I tried to keep you here...while the cancer ate away your organs...like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet...in heaven.
Daddy, that's beautiful.
It always gets me.
Greg Amazing. So-So--So much love, yet also so much information.
You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.
Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit.
He told me he grew up on a farm.
Do they have many farms in Detroit?
Greg No, Dina, no, not a lot. In fact, Jack, I should clarify this. I didn't actually grow up... on a farm per se. The house we grew up in was originally erected...in the early Dutch farm, colonial style. So that, plus we had a lot of pets--
Which one did you milk then?
Dad!
Honey, he said he pumped milk. What have you ever milked?
Greg A cat.
A cat?
Greg I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story?
Sure.
Greg My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens. Must've been 8 of them, and there was this one little runt... this little sweet little... little-engine-that-could runt... who wanted to get up there and couldn't really get access to the-- to the-- to the-- to the-- to the teat.
Teat?
Dad.
Greg What have you. I went in and just simply, you know, just-- into a little saucer, then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Greg Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
Greg, sweetie, how you doing?
Greg Oh, just fine, considering I desecrated your grandma's remains, found out you were engaged and had your father ask me to milk him. At least back then he was still talking to me. I can't believe you didn't tell me you were that close.
Who, Daddy and me?
Greg No, Kevin and you.
Do we have to know everything about each other's pasts? You never told me about your cat-milking days in Motown.
Greg': That was a long time ago, Pam.
Yeah, okay, well, so was this. Kevin's and my connection was more physical than anything else.
Greg Physical? Like what? Like you worked out together?
No, no, it was nothing, nothing. It was a stupid sexual thing.
Greg Mm-hmm. I'm gonna go throw up now.
You are the most adorable, loving, sweetest man in the whole world, and I love you. And very soon my parents are gonna see that...and grow to love you too, okay?
Greg Okay. Speaking of growing to love you--
Honey, it's late. Come on.
Greg I know it's late. But Mr. Winky is still on Chicago time, and we both know there's only one way to make Mr. Winky go away. [Knocking] And there it is.
I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Greg Of course, yeah.
Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.
What's the matter? You can't sleep?
Greg No, no, I'm just going over some of my answers from the polygraph test your dad gave me.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Greg Yeah, he did.
Well, did you lie to him?
Greg No! I mean-- Well, he asked me if we were living together, and-
What'd you tell him?
Greg I-I-I-- Nothing. Your mother walked in... and I yanked the little thingies off before I had to answer. Is this how you'd react if I told you he shoved bamboo shoots up my fingernails? Or does he hook all your boyfriends up to his little machine?
Well, he doesn't need a machine. He's a human lie detector.
Greg What?
Greg, my father was never in the rare flower business. That was just his cover. He was in the C.I.A. for 30 years.
Greg How could you not tell me this?
I wanted to, honey, but it was strictly...on a need-to-know basis.
Greg So, what? He's in the C.I.A.? He was a spy? He is a spy?
No, he was more like a psychological profiler. They used him to interrogate suspected double agents in the company.
Greg Oh, that's great. Yeah. I was scared of your dad back when I thought he was a florist. It's wonderful to know that I've actually got a C.I.A. spy-hunter on my ass.
Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Greg Yes, she did.
Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
Greg I won't tell.
I'm just being humorous.
Greg Huh. That was funny.
But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Greg Okay. Understood.
Okay, good.
Linda [Greg appears at the breakfast table in his pajamas with a bedhead.]
Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Greg Oh, yes.
Nice 'do, nice 'do.
I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Greg Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. Congratulations.
And her fiance. Dr. Bob.
You can call me Bob... M.D.
These are his parents, Linda Banks.
Linda Hi. How are you?
Greg Nice to meet you.
And the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Whoa, now, cut that out.
You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
Oh, really? What field?
Greg Nursing.
No, really. What field?
Greg Nursing.
Denny [climbing in the window]
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! What the hell you doing in here?
Greg Hi! I'm-- I'm Greg, Pam's friend.
Denny What? Were you just sniffing my boxers, dude?
Greg No, dude, no. No, no, she said I could come up here, maybe borrow some clothes from you.
Denny Do me a favor. Close the door.
Greg Okay.
Denny Quick. Tell anybody I wasn't here?
Greg No, they think you're asleep.
Denny Yeah, so, it's all good. You scared me.
Greg Dad keeps you guys under a pretty close watch, huh?
Denny No, it's not that bad. Your little Pamcake's got it a lot worse than I do. Oh! You need some clothes.
Greg Yes, that would be-- that would be great.
Denny Glad to hook you up. All right?
Greg Cool. Like what you done with the crib. [looking at a poster] Oh, L'il Kim. She's phat. [Denny stares at him, confused.] P-H phat.
Denny Yeah, I think these ought a do it. All right, here you go, chief. All right! Enjoy!
Greg Thanks a lot, Denny. No problem. Oh, and don't worry about the little covert op, all right? I'll keep it on the lowdown.
Denny Down low.
Greg No doubt.
Are you a homeowner, Greg?
Greg No, no, I rent.
Oh.
So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
Greg Wow.
What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
Greg I'm in health care.
Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
Greg I'd say strong...to quite strong.
You gotta strike while the iron's hot. Now's the time.
Greg's a male nurse.
Greg That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Well, that's great. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Greg Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.
Greg Wow! It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop.
Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby. I whittled that out of beech wood.
Greg Huh. It's beautiful.
Yeah.
Greg So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? Carpentry?
I guess I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?
Greg Hmm.
Greg's Jewish.
Are you?
Greg Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Well, so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.
Wow. Kev.
Isn't that something?
That's incredible.
Thank you.
Roses. Deb's favorite.
Yes, right.
It's beautiful.
The little holes are for candles.
Exactly. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. They make a tiny birdbath.
That's great.
Greg It's beautiful. What is it?
It's an altar. Or you might call it a "ho-puh."
Isn't that sweet? Wow.
I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife. And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. [Chuckles]
Must have taken forever to build.
No, not too bad. About 18 hours. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood.
There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
I think they call that the 'munchies'.
Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick!
Sweet setup, Iceman.
Denny [sarcastically]
Nice one, Nurse.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
Greg It's Greg.
Huddle up, team. Come on. This is unacceptable.
He's gotta go for the ball.
Here's what we gotta do.
Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
Greg Larry, I missed one shot.
It was a big shot.
Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it?
Denny No.
Greg Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
I bet you would, Panama Red.
Oh, my God! What's that smell?
That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Greg Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chrissakes!
The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
Greg Oh, poor Kevin looks lonely.
Maybe I should ask him to dance. What do you think?
Greg Sure. I bet he could, uh, whittle a private little dance floor for the two of you. [Chuckles] I'm serious. I saw some beech wood outside. He's very handy. He's an extremely handy and crafty craftsman. I shouldn't paint him with that brush, but--
Come on.
Greg Seriously. Seriously. Part of you wishes you ended up with him.
Yes, he's very talented, but it would've never worked out.
Greg Why not?
I was never in love with Kevin. I'm in love with you.
Greg That's a good explanation.
Think so?
Greg Mm-hmm.
Thought you'd like that.
Greg Your dad has totally turned you against me.
I didn't turn her against you. You did that to yourself.
Greg Jack, please. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty.
Greg Oh, honesty? You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
What's he talking about, Dad?
Greg Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets...inside the circle of trust, Jack.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Greg You don't? Huh? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding.
You are?
Greg Round and round we go, Jack. Hey. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous...in the parking lot of the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundry. You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the documents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
Jack can't talk Thai.
Greg Oh, no, Dina. Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C.I.A.
He's right. My cover's blown. I-I-I am planning...a secret operation the day after the wedding.
What?
A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob. You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it!
Greg What?
Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand! That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent. He was giving me their visas.
Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B. That's something.
Don't mention it. I just, um--
You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker, I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.
Flight Attendant I'm sorry, sir. You're gonna have to check that.
Greg I got it.
Flight Attendant No, I'm sorry. That bag won't fit.
Greg No, I'm not-- Hey. I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg I'm not raising my voice. This would be raising my voice to you, okay? I don't want to check my bag. By the way, your airline, you suck at checking bags. Because I already did that once, and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me. Okay?
Flight Attendant I can assure you that your bag...will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage.
Greg Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Are you physically gonna take my bag beneath the plane? Are you gonna go with the guys with the earmuffs and put it in there?
Flight Attendant No.
Greg No? Okay. Then shut your pie hole...and listen to me when I say that I am finished...with the checking-of-the-bags conversation!
Flight Attendant Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we--
Greg Get your grubby little paws off of my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane.
Flight Attendant Sir!
Greg I wanna stow my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant Sir, sir--
Greg If you would take a second...and take the little sticks out of your head and clean out your ears, maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do! All I wanna do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you! The only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here now...and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers. Okay? If you can get it from my kung fu grip, then you can have it. Okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Put your hands over there. That's it.
Greg You're sick, you know that?
Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Greg Yes.
Are you a male nurse?
Greg Yes.
Are you a pothead?
Greg No.
Have you ever smoked pot?
Greg Yes.
Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Greg Yes.
Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Greg Yes.
Because you love my daughter Pam?
Greg Yes.
Do you want to marry her?
Greg I did, until I met you.
What does that mean?
Greg I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Greg Would you lighten up a lot?
Yeah.
Greg Yes or no?
Yes.
Greg Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Greg Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Greg Jack, yes or no?
Ever?
Greg No!
Okay, yes.
Greg Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Greg Yes.
Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Greg Yes.
Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Greg Of course.
Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?
Norm the Security Guard
[Greg is being detained by the Airport Security for threatening a flight attendant.]
I have a plane full of people telling me you threatened that stewardess.
Greg I was not threatening her, I was just trying to get my bag in the overhead storage thing.
Norm the Security Guard
You were acting like a maniac and then you threaten her with a bomb.
Greg No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm the Security Guard
You said Bomb.
Greg I said it's not like I had a bomb on an airplane.
Norm the Security Guard
You said bomb on an airplane.
Greg What's wrong with saying bomb on an airplane?
Norm the Security Guard
You can't say bomb on an airplane.
Airport Security [Greg taunts Norm with the word bomb, who threatens him with arrest. A co-worker of Norm's comes in.]
Hey, Norm, take 5. We've got a specialist.
Greg Bye, Norm.
[Norm leaves and the guard motions Jack to come in, which Greg isn't happy about.]
Other characters in Meet the Parents
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Alex the Lion
David Starsky
Mr. Furious
Larry Daley
Tony Perkis Jr
Greg Focker