Jack Byrnes Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.
Tied for most-quoted character in Meet the Parents (2000): in 33 of its 44 quotes
Most scenes with: Pam Byrnes (26), Gaylord 'Greg' Focker (22), Dina (11)
All right, now look, Focker, I'm a patient man. That's what 13 months in a Vietnamese prison camp will do to you. But I will be watching you, studying your every move. And if I find that you are trying to corrupt my firstborn child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown.
More lines from Jack Byrnes
6 quotes Jack Byrnes Jack Byrnes Jesus, Focker. It's just a game.
Jack Byrnes [After Greg claims he milked a cat and could milk anything with nipples]
I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
Jack Byrnes [About Mr. Jinx, the cat]
You tried to milk him, didn't you you sick son of a bitch?
Jack Byrnes [During the cellar interrogation scene]
Have you ever watched...pornographic...videos?
Jack Byrnes [about the lost Jinx]
We're supposed to let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
Scenes with Jack Byrnes
26 scenes
Now Greg, you have a very unique last name and Jack and I were wondering how to pronounce it?
Oh, just like its spelled. F-O-C-K-E-R.
F-Focker.
Jack Hmm, Focker.
Pam, I didn't know you had a cat.
Yeah, I left him here when I moved to Chicago.
Your daddy's found his new best friend. You won't believe it. He even taught him to use the potty.
He did? Dad, that's kinda weird, isn't it?
Jack What's so weird about it? Now we don't have to smell kitty litter all the time. That's right.
That's incredible. How did you teach the cat to use the toilet?
Jack Oh, that was easy, Greg. I just designed a litter box to put inside the toilet, and then once he got used to it, I took it away.
Yeah, makes sense.
But I don't think he likes it. I mean, every chance he gets, he tries to dig, squat and bury. I had to move all my potted plants off the floor.
Plus, you got another guy around the house to leave the seat up.
Jack [The family stares at him blankly.]
He can't lift the seat, Greg. He lacks the strength and the opposable thumbs. Yeah.
Jack Jinx is strictly a house cat. Can't let him outside because he lacks outdoor survival skills.
Okay.
Jack [to Jinx]
One of those things, isn't it, sweetheart?
I don't think Greg will be playing with Jinxy too much. He hates cats.
[Chuckles nervously]
Pam, I don't hate cats. I don't-- I don't hate cats. I just happen to be more of a dog lover. Yeah, yeah.
Jack Well, that's okay if you hate cats, Greg.
No! I don't. I don't hate cats at all.
Jack That's okay. Just be honest about it. There's some things I hate.
I-- I'm being honest. Really? Like what?
So, uh, Greg, how's your job?
Um, good, Pam. Thanks for asking. I, uh, I recently got transferred to triage.
Oh, is that better than a nurse?
No, Mom, triage is a unit of the E.R. It's where all the top nurses work.
Well--
No, they do.
Jack Not many men in your profession, though, are there, Greg?
No, Jack, not traditionally.
Jack Mm-hmm.
Jack Let me ask you a question, Greg. Let's just say you have kids...and you wanna get out of the house, spend a night on the town. So, you hire a baby-sitter, someone you think you can trust. References, work experience-- it all checks out fine. But then how do you really know for certain...that your loved ones are safe with this stranger? I mean, can you ever really trust another human being, Greg?
Sure, I think so.
Jack No, the answer is you cannot.
Jack Greg, how come you don't like cats?
I don't not like cats. I-I just-- I just prefer dogs. I mean, I'm just more of a dog kind of, you know--Come home, wagging their little tails, happy to see you kind of--
Jack You need that assurance? You prefer an emotionally shallow animal?
I--
Jack You see, Greg, when you yell at a dog, his tail will go between his legs and cover his genitals, his ears will go down. A dog is very easy to break, but cats make you work for their affection. They don't sell out the way dogs do.
Huh.
Jack Yeah, one of my favorites.
Who would've thought it wasn't really about a dragon, huh?
Jack What do you mean?
You know, the whole drug thing.
Jack No, I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
Some people think that...to "puff the magic dragon" means to-- They're really, uh-- to smoke-- to smoke-- a marijuana cigarette.
Jack Well, Puff's just the name of the boy's magical dragon.
Right.
Jack Are you a pothead, Focker?
No! No.
Jack What?
No, no, no, no, Jack. No, I'm-- I'm not-- I-- I pass on grass all the time. I mean, not all the time.
Jack Yes or no, Greg?
No. Yes. No.
Jack Greg, would you like to say grace?
Oh, uh, well, Greg's Jewish, Dad. You know that.
Jack You're telling me Jews don't pray, honey? [to Greg] Unless you have some objection.
No, no, no, no, I'd love to. Pam, come on, it's not like I'm a rabbi or something. I've said grace at many a dinner table.
Okay.
O dear God, thank You. You are such a good God to us, a kind and gentle...and accommodating God. And we thank You, O sweet, sweet Lord of hosts...for the...smorgasbord...You have so aptly lain at our table this day...and each day...by day. Day by day by day. O dear Lord, three things we pray. To love Thee more dearly, to see Thee more clearly, to follow Thee more nearly...day by day...by day. Amen. Amen.
Oh, Greg, that was lovely.
Jack Thank you, Greg. That was interesting too.
Oh, honey, why don't you read Greg your poem?
Jack Oh, no, he doesn't want to hear that.
What? No! What-What-What poem?
You see, when Jack had to retire...for health reasons...
Jack That's a bunch of malarky. Honey, I'm fine.
The doctor thought it would be therapeutic if he...sort of expressed his emotions in an artistic way. Honey, you wrote the most beautiful poem about your mother.
Please, we really wanna hear it.
Poem, poem. Please!
Jack Oh, all right. It's a work in progress. I'm still not happy with it. As soon as it's ready, then I am going to glaze it onto a plate...and put it next to the urn.
Nice.
It's very special.
Jack "My Mother" by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, you gave me milk, you gave me courage. Your name was Angela, the angel from heaven, but you were also an angel of God, and He needed you too. Selfishly I tried to keep you here...while the cancer ate away your organs...like an unstoppable rebel force. But I couldn't save you, and I shall see your face...nevermore, nevermore, nevermore, until we meet...in heaven.
Daddy, that's beautiful.
It always gets me.
Amazing. So-So--So much love, yet also so much information.
Jack You must've had vegetables fresher than that, growing up on a farm, Greg.
Dad, uh, Greg grew up in Detroit.
Jack He told me he grew up on a farm.
Do they have many farms in Detroit?
No, Dina, no, not a lot. In fact, Jack, I should clarify this. I didn't actually grow up... on a farm per se. The house we grew up in was originally erected...in the early Dutch farm, colonial style. So that, plus we had a lot of pets--
Jack Which one did you milk then?
Dad!
Jack Honey, he said he pumped milk. What have you ever milked?
A cat.
A cat?
I milked a cat once. You wanna hear a story?
Jack Sure.
My sister had a cat, and the cat birthed a litter of kittens. Must've been 8 of them, and there was this one little runt... this little sweet little... little-engine-that-could runt... who wanted to get up there and couldn't really get access to the-- to the-- to the-- to the-- to the teat.
Jack Teat?
Dad.
What have you. I went in and just simply, you know, just-- into a little saucer, then took the saucer and fed it to Geppetto-- that's what I named him.
I had-- I had no idea you could milk a cat.
Oh, yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.
Jack I have nipples, Greg. Could you milk me?
Jack I'm a realist. I understand it's the 21st century, and you've probably had premarital relations with my daughter. But under our roof, it's my way or the Long Island Expressway. Is that understood?
Of course, yeah.
Jack Good. Keep your snake in its cage for 72 hours.
Jack Oh, geez, I just realized something.
What?
Jack Pam's middle name.
Pamela Martha Focker.
Jack Pam told me she let you in on a little secret of mine last night.
Yes, she did.
Jack Well, as long as you can keep your mouth shut for the rest of your life, you're in no immediate danger.
I won't tell.
Jack I'm just being humorous.
Huh. That was funny.
Jack But the fact is, Greg, with the knowledge you've been given, you are now on the inside of what I like to call... "the Byrnes family circle of trust." I keep nothing from you, you keep nothing from me... and round and round we go.
Okay. Understood.
Jack Okay, good.
Linda [Greg appears at the breakfast table in his pajamas with a bedhead.]
Oh, look, somebody had a visit from the hair fairy.
Oh, yes.
Nice 'do, nice 'do.
I'll do the intros. Greg, this is my sister, Debbie.
Hi. Nice to meet you. Oh, the bride to be. Congratulations.
And her fiance. Dr. Bob.
You can call me Bob... M.D.
These are his parents, Linda Banks.
Linda Hi. How are you?
Nice to meet you.
And the world-famous plastic surgeon, Dr. Larry.
Whoa, now, cut that out.
Jack You know, Greg's in medicine, too, Larry.
Oh, really? What field?
Nursing.
No, really. What field?
Nursing.
Are you a homeowner, Greg?
No, no, I rent.
Oh.
Jack So, things are going real, real well for you, aren't they, eh, Kevo?
'Kevin: Gosh, things have been going so great lately. I got in early on some wireless I.P.O.s, and the stuff just skyrocketed from there.
Wow.
What about you, Greg? What line of work are you in?
I'm in health care.
Yeah, so you know what I'm talking about. There are a lot of Benjamins to be made now with biotech stuff. I don't have to tell you that. How's your portfolio?
I'd say strong...to quite strong.
You gotta strike while the iron's hot. Now's the time.
Jack Greg's a male nurse.
That's right. Thank you, Jack.
Well, that's great. That's great to give something back like that. I'd love to find time to do volunteer work. Just the other day I saw this golden retriever that-- He had like a gimp, and he couldn't really-- It made me feel terrible. I wish there was something I could do.
Yeah, well, I get paid, but also it feels, you know, good too. So it's kind of an everybody wins. What are you-- You're like a Wall Street trader?
An investment guy? No. I mean, I'm willing to be painted with that brush. Yes, that's my day job.
Wow! It looks like somebody got an "A" in wood shop.
Yeah, it's always been kind of a hobby. I whittled that out of beech wood.
Huh. It's beautiful.
Yeah.
So what got you into, uh, "carpentering"? Carpentry?
I guess I'd have to say Jesus. He was a carpenter, and I just figured if you're gonna follow in someone's footsteps, who better than Christ?
Hmm.
Jack Greg's Jewish.
Are you?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Well, so was J.C. Wow. You're in good company.
Wow. Kev.
Jack Isn't that something?
That's incredible.
Thank you.
Roses. Deb's favorite.
Yes, right.
It's beautiful.
Jack The little holes are for candles.
Exactly. And then later, they'll collect rainfall. They make a tiny birdbath.
That's great.
It's beautiful. What is it?
It's an altar. Or you might call it a "ho-puh."
Isn't that sweet? Wow.
I'm gonna take it over to the Byrneses', and tomorrow Robert and Debra will meet beneath it to become man and wife. And later, when they purchase a home, maybe it will grace their garden. Well, that's my sappy, romantic idea. [Chuckles]
Must have taken forever to build.
No, not too bad. About 18 hours. Which isn't bad, considering I carved it all by hand from one piece of wood.
There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack I think they call that the 'munchies'.
Whoo! Nice shot, Maverick!
Sweet setup, Iceman.
Denny [sarcastically]
Nice one, Nurse.
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn. You gotta rush the net on defense. Don't be afraid of the ball.
It's Greg.
Jack Huddle up, team. Come on. This is unacceptable.
He's gotta go for the ball.
Jack Here's what we gotta do.
Let's go! We're gettin' cold in here.
We're gettin' creamed. If Florence Nightingale over here would play defense.
Larry, I missed one shot.
It was a big shot.
Jack Larry, keep floatin' where you are. You're doin' great. Denny, take the deep shots. Greg, nobody's expecting much out of you. If I set you up with the ball, can you jump up and spike it?
Denny No.
Yeah. I'd have to be pretty high, but yeah.
Jack I bet you would, Panama Red.
Jesus, Dad, you ever think of knocking?
Jack Not in my own den. What are you two doing in here?
I'd say rounding second base.
Oh, my God! What's that smell?
Jack That smell, Bob, is our shit. Focker flushed the toilet in the den, so the septic tank is overflowing.
Jack, I told you. It wasn't me. It was Jinx.
Jack Focker, I'm not gonna tell you again! Jinx cannot flush the toilet. He's a cat, for chrissakes!
The animal doesn't even have thumbs, Focker.
Your dad has totally turned you against me.
Jack I didn't turn her against you. You did that to yourself.
Jack, please. You didn't like me from the second I walked in here.
Jack I'm a very accepting person, Focker. All I ask for is honesty.
Oh, honesty? You wanna talk about truth and honesty, Jack? Okay, let's talk a little truth and honesty. Let's talk a little "Operation Ko Samui," Jack.
What's he talking about, Dad?
Yeah, that's weird, 'cause I thought there weren't any secrets...inside the circle of trust, Jack.
Jack I don't know what you're talking about.
You don't? Huh? What's the matter? Cat got your tongue? Hey, Pam, guess what. Daddy's planning a little covert operation in Thailand for the day after the wedding.
You are?
Round and round we go, Jack. Hey. I bet everybody would love to hear about your rendezvous...in the parking lot of the Oyster Bay Drug and Sundry. You know what I'm talking about. Where the guy gave you the passports and the documents. Or how about your little phone call in Thai?
Jack can't talk Thai.
Oh, no, Dina. Jack can talk Thai. Jack talk Thai very well. I'm sorry, Pam, but your dad is not retired. He's still very much in the C.I.A.
Jack He's right. My cover's blown. I-I-I am planning...a secret operation the day after the wedding.
What?
Jack A surprise honeymoon for Deb and Bob. You stupid son of a bitch! You just blew it!
What?
Jack Ko Samui is an island off the coast of Thailand! That guy I was meeting in the parking lot is Thor Svenson, my travel agent. He was giving me their visas.
Wow, Thailand. Thanks a lot, J.B. That's something.
Jack Don't mention it. I just, um--
You know, if this nursing thing doesn't work out, Focker, I'd say you definitely have a career in espionage.
I love you Dad, but you could be a real jerk sometimes. [storms out of room]
Jack [to Dina]
So what if he passed some test? He's still not good for Pam!
Well who is, Jack? No one has ever been good enough for your Pam. You only warmed up to Kevin after she broke up with him.
Jack Put your hands over there. That's it.
You're sick, you know that?
Jack Is your name Gaylord Focker? Yes or no?
Yes.
Jack Are you a male nurse?
Yes.
Jack Are you a pothead?
No.
Jack Have you ever smoked pot?
Yes.
Jack Did you spray-paint the tail of a cat to pass him off as Mr. Jinx?
Yes.
Jack Did you do that because you desperately were seeking my approval?
Yes.
Jack Because you love my daughter Pam?
Yes.
Jack Do you want to marry her?
I did, until I met you.
Jack What does that mean?
I love your daughter, Jack. I love her more than anything. But frankly, sir, I'm a little terrified of being your son-in-law. This whole weekend has given me a lot of doubts...about whether or not I could even survive in your family. I think you've got some serious issues.
Jack If I lighten up, would you consider marrying my daughter?
Would you lighten up a lot?
Jack Yeah.
Yes or no?
Jack Yes.
Would you let me and Pam...live our lives and not interfere all the time?
Jack I promise not interfere in your lives all the time.
Will you stop making fun of me for being a nurse?
Jack Could you at least try, maybe, to consider another profession?
Jack, yes or no?
Jack Ever?
No!
Jack Okay, yes.
Would you let me and Pam sleep in the same room?
Jack Don't push it, Focker. You're in a real mess. If you married my daughter, would you support her...in the way that she deserves to be supported?
Yes.
Jack Would you be honest and faithful to her?
Yes.
Jack Will you devote yourself entirely to her for the rest of your life?
Of course.
Jack Gaylord Focker, will you be my son-in-law?
Jack Just gotta do one more thing.
What's that?
Jack Meet his parents.
Jack--
Jack Honey, relax. I'm sure they're wonderful.
Good night, Jack.
Jack [They turn out their lights.]
I mean, they'd have to be, right? To name their son Gaylord Focker.
Other characters in Meet the Parents
More Robert De Niro characters
Travis Bickle
Jake LaMotta
Sam "Ace" Rothstein
Jack Byrnes
Neil McCauley
Max Cady
Michael Vronsky
Rupert Pupkin