Derek Zoolander You can read minds?!?!?!
Played by Ben Stiller 
Zoolander (2001) · 106 quotes
Zoolander (2001) · 106 quotes
Most-quoted character in Zoolander (2001): in 53 of its 106 quotes
Most scenes with: Matilda (12), Hansel (7), Larry Zoolander (3)
Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your "do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way"?...
More lines from Derek Zoolander
26 quotes Derek Zoolander Derek Zoolander I'm pretty sure there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously good looking, and I plan on finding out what that is.
Derek Zoolander The original Greek word "model" means "misshapen ball of clay", and I try to think about that every time I go in front of the camera.
Derek Zoolander Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty.
Derek Zoolander Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?
Derek Zoolander I'm not an ambi-turner.
Derek Zoolander I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. It's not very well ventilated down there.
Derek Zoolander But why male models?
Derek Zoolander [Derek sees his reflection in a puddle]
Who am I? [the reflection speaks back] I don't know.
Derek Zoolander Wait a minute. I might just have an idea. They'll be looking for us at Maury's right? But they won't be looking for... not us.
Derek Zoolander There was a moment last night, when she was sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesmen, where I thought, "Wow, I could really spend the rest of my life with this woman."
Derek Zoolander Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful, I think.
Derek Zoolander If there is anything that this horrible tragedy can teach us, it's that a male model's life is a precious, precious commodity. Just because we have chiselled abs and stunning features, it doesn't mean that we too can't not die in a freak gasoline fight accident.
Derek Zoolander You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you, Walter Cronkite... you aren't.
Derek Zoolander Now if you'll excuse me, I have an after-funeral party to attend.
Derek Zoolander At the Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too, we teach you that there's more to life than being really, really good looking.
Derek Zoolander I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Derek Zoolander Mer-man! *keh... keh... keh...* MER-MAN!
Derek Zoolander [Cellphone rings]
God?
Derek Zoolander [Upon seeing the model of the "Derek Zoolander Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too]
What is this, a center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building? The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Derek Zoolander SNAP
Derek Zoolander Words can only hurt you if you try to read them. Don't play their game.
Derek Zoolander I was at a day spa. DAY. D-a-i-y-e.
Derek Zoolander Just thinking about it was the most rewarding experience of my life.
Derek Zoolander A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
Derek Zoolander Shut your hole Zane!
Scenes with Derek Zoolander
26 scenes
So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh, ahh. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize, "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"
Derek Zoolander And?
And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.
Finnish Dwarf
Cool story Hansel.
What time is it?
Derek Zoolander Almost five.
What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--
Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."
Billy Zane
Hey, Derek, back on top, man.
Derek Zoolander Thanks, Billy. You rock.
Billy Zane
No, you rock. When you gonna drop Magnum on us, buddy?
Derek Zoolander Not yet. You gotta tame the beast before you let it out of its cage.
When I was in seventh grade, I was... the fat kid in my class.
Derek Zoolander Ew!
I became...
What?
Bulimic.
Derek Zoolander ... you can read minds?
So when did you know you wanted to be a model?
Derek Zoolander Hmm, I guess it would have to be the first time I went through the second grade. I caught my reflection in a spoon while I was eating my cereal, and I remember thinking, "Wow, you're ridiculously good looking. Maybe you could do that for a career."
Do what?
Derek Zoolander Be professionally good looking.
Derek Zoolander Why do you hate models, Matilda?
Honestly?
Yes.
I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.
I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?
Derek Oh, snap!
You're dead to me Derek. You're deader to me than your dead mother. I just thank the Lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid.
Derek Zoolander Mer-man! [high-pitched cough] Mer-man!
Derek Zoolander [Derek looks at the model for a moment, then throws it on the floor]
What is this? A center for ants? How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?
Derek, it's just a small--
Derek Zoolander I don't wanna hear your excuses! The center has to be at least... three times bigger than this!
Meekus Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?
I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model.
Meekus Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke.
Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh okay I knew that!
Meekus Uh, Earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you do because you were all like 'well I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel' like you DIDN'T know it was a joke! aha, haha
I knew it was a joke, Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!
Meekus Earth to Brint...
Derek Zoolander Will you guys stop it already!
Ya know what could really help you sort through these important issues?
Derek Zoolander What?
Brint, Meekus, Rufus
ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINOS!
I've been trying to reach you for a week.
Derek Zoolander A week? What, are you having a whack attack? I saw you this afternoon, dum-dum.
That was last Friday.
Derek Zoolander Uh, Earth to Matilda, I was at a day spa. Day, D-A-I-Y-E. Okay?
Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.
Derek I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.
Derek Zoolander Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogalizor I am.
What?
Derek Zoolander A eugoogalizor, one who speaks at funerals. Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogoly was?
Derek Zoolander You mean, you haven't...
Done it in a while, yeah.
What's a while? Like eight days?
Derek Zoolander Look, I think I know what this is about and I'm complimented but not interested.
What?
Derek Zoolander I can't sleep with you, OK? My head is killing me...
What are you talking about?
Derek Zoolander Okay, if you just want to fool around or...
WAIT! I don't want to sleep with you!
Derek Zoolander God?
God? What the shit are you talkin' about? It's me, Maury.
Derek Zoolander I just wanted to make you proud of me, pop.
How? With your male modeling? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?
Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.
Derek Zoolander Fine.
Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Derek Zoolander Why you been acting so messed up towards me?
Well, you go first.
Derek Zoolander [after being in a coal mine for a day]
I think I'm getting the black lung, Pop. [coughing] It's not very well-ventilated down there.
For Christ's sake, Derek, you've been down there one day. Talk to me in thirty years.
What do we do when we fall off the horse?
Derek Zoolander [thoughtfully looking up and mouthing the words silently]
... fall off the horse...
Derek Zoolander Sorry, Maury. I'm not a gymnast.
The truth is male models have been assassinating world leaders for over 200 years. Abe Lincoln wanted to abolish slavery, right? Well, who do you think made the silk stockings and powdered wigs worn by our early leaders?
Derek Zoolander Mugatu!
[pauses]
Slaves, Derek. So they hired John Wilkes Booth to do Mr. Lincoln in. The first model/actor! Dallas. 1963. John F. Kennedy.
Lee Harvey Oswald wasn't a male model.
You're goddamn right he wasn't, but the two lookers who capped Kennedy from the grassy knoll sure as shit were!
Derek Zoolander But why male models?
Are you serious? I just told you.
Derek Zoolander I know! I turned left!
No, you saved the prime minister!
Derek Zoolander Oh, well, that's cool too.
Derek Look, you can't just come into people's lofts, wanting sex, then changing your mind, then telling them they've been at a day spa for a week...
You have been at a day spa for a week.
Derek So what?!
You know what would help you sort through these important issues?
Derek Zoolander What?
Brint, Meekus, and Rufus
ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!
Derek Zoolander [Brint, Meekus and Rufus are playfully having a water fight with hoses to the tune of "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham! They then start to unhinge pumps from a gas station and squirt each other with gasoline]
What are they doing?
Derek Zoolander [Derek, in a rare moment of using his brain, realizes gasoline is a dangerous substance]
Guys, NO!
[Derek’s attempt is too late as a man lights a cigarette, causing the gasoline to ignite, killing his three best friends]
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