Hansel quotes from Zoolander (2001)

Hansel

I friggin' worship you, man.

Hansel

I felt like, "This guy's really hurting me." And it hurt.

Hansel

Taste my pain, bitch!

Hansel

That's bullshit, Mugatu's a dick!

Hansel

What's the dealio, yo?

Hansel

You is talking loco and I like it!

Hansel

They're in the computer?

Hansel

We've got thirty years worth of files, right here in this computer, they're gonna bring you down!! [Throws the computer off the balcony, still thinking that the files are _in_ the computer.] [After the computer smashed up on the ground:] Where'd all the files go?

Hansel

I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut, I was always more interested in what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music he's created over the years, I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Hansel

Who are you tryin' to get crazy with, Ese? Don't you know I'm loco?

Hansel

The results are in amigo. What's left to ponder? [Derek glares at him] Nice Comeback!

Hansel

Listen to your friend Billy Zane, he's a cool dude.

Hansel

I hear words like "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features" and for me that's like a vanity that I don't buy into.

Hansel

Deal with that!

Hansel

I think we should all get naked.

Hansel

Well, you can Dere-lick my balls, capitan.

Hansel

Matil, Matil... Is it al right if I call you Matil?

Hansel

I hear a lot of words like "beauty" and "handsomeness" and "incredibly chiseled features." To me, that's like a vanity that - a self-absorption that I try to steer clear of. I dig the bungee. I mean, for me, it's just the way I live my life. I grip it, and I rip it. I live with a lot of flair. I live it on the edge, where I gotta be. I wasn't like every other kid, you know, who dreams about being an astronaut. I was always more interested in, uh, what bark was made out of on a tree. Richard Gere's a real hero of mine. Sting. Sting would be another person who's a hero. The music that he's created over the years. I don't really listen to it, but the fact that he's making it, I respect that. I care desperately about what I do. Do I know what product I'm selling? No. Do I know what I'm doing today? No. But I'm here, and I'm gonna give it my best shot.

Hansel

So I'm rappelling down Mount Vesuvius when suddenly I slip, and I start to fall. Just falling, ahh, ahh. I'll never forget the terror. When suddenly I realize, "Holy shit, Hansel, haven't you been smoking peyote for six straight days and couldn't some of this maybe be in your mind?"

Derek Zoolander

And?

Hansel

And it was. I was totally fine. I've never even been to Mount Vesuvius.

Cool story Hansel.

Matilda

What time is it?

Derek Zoolander

Almost five.

Matilda

What? Hey, guys, that show is in three hours. Derek is dead unless we get that evidence. Do you guys--

Hansel

Whoa, whoa, easy! How 'bout a "Good afternoon, Derek and Hansel. Thanks for the freak-fest last night."

Matilda

I became...

Hansel

What?

Matilda

Bulimic.

Derek Zoolander

... you can read minds?

Derek Zoolander

Why do you hate models, Matilda?

Matilda

Honestly?

Hansel

Yes.

Matilda

I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered.

Hansel

I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?

Derek

Oh, snap!

Hansel

Well, I guess you can Dere-lick my balls.

Derek

I can Dere-lick my own balls, thank you very much.

Derek Zoolander

You mean, you haven't...

Matilda

Done it in a while, yeah.

Hansel

What's a while? Like eight days?

Hansel

Yeah, you're cool to hide here, but first me and him got to straighten some shit out.

Derek Zoolander

Fine.

Hansel

Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Derek Zoolander

Why you been acting so messed up towards me?

Hansel

Well, you go first.

Cool story, Hansel.

Hansel

Thanks, Olaf.