John Beckwith There he is, the big guy!
2nd most-quoted character in Wedding Crashers (2005): in 18 of its 198 quotes
Most scenes with: Jeremy Grey (12), Claire (3)
Grow up Peter Pan; Count Chocula!
More lines from John Beckwith
3 quotes John Beckwith John Beckwith I don't even know what the **** a quail is!
John Beckwith I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a **** race horse.
Scenes with John Beckwith
14 scenes John No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Yeah, well the proper girl in the hat just eye **** the shit out of me.
John [the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a **** man.
John [they turn around again]
Tourette's.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.
John Soft mattress?
Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
I don't give a baker's ****! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
John Whoa, what?
Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
John Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
John Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or **** human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John That's a little heavy.
I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a bitch! You old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John What is wrong with you?
What do you mean "what's wrong with--?" What's wrong with you?
John No, what's wrong with you?
No, what's wrong with you?! You're projecting!
John Drop it.
You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Drop it!
Team player!
Sorry, just--just a sampler (grabbing food). Told you this would be classy, right?
John Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.
Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.
John Okay, go get us sets near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.
John Consider it done.
John Fondue set.
Excuse me?
John The present you're holding is a sterling silver fondue set. John Ryan. (puts out hand to shake)
Claire Cleary. Uh, so how do you know that?
John Well, I'm a psychic.
You're psychic?
John I am.
Really?
John Yes.
What's that one.
John Knife set. German, very nice.
Hmm..and that?
John Cotton linens, Egyptian.
Ooooh, what about that?
John Oh, I'll go all day. Place settings, candle sticks, crystal stemware, which they'll probably never use 'cause it's crystal stemware.
Okay, how about that?
John This, uh, massage oils and a book on tantra probably from a wacky aunt.
Let's check.
John Who's it from?
Aunt Milly.
John Yes!
Well, you--you have a gift.
John I know, unfortunately my powers only apply to useless consumer products.
Well, you know if the police are missing a Belgium waffle maker, you could, um, give them a hand.
So what's next?
Gloria I'm starving.
Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.
John Hey, hey.
I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--
John (to Claire)
They would have great tempura.
We don't even have a back story. I'm just--
John Forget it, forget it.
Just talking out loud.
We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!
Gloria Yeah!
Yes, we are.
Well don't worry about it. We'll burn em with a post.
John No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?
John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!
Oh, you're going to cover me?
Like white on rice.
John Alright, I like my odds here.
Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.
Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.
John What?
Red 7!
John I don't know what Red 7 means!
Hot route!
John I don't--what is hot route?
Would you just go stand on the other side please?
I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
John What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.
You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.
John Alright, it's today.
See you've been getting into a little light reading.
John It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.
Yeah. So how ya been?
John Great, really spectacular.
Well good. What have you been up to?
John Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
Alone?
John No, not alone.
Well, who have you been crashing with then?
John Chazz.
Chazz?
John Chazz.
John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--
John Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.
John I know, I--look I'm, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya (hugs him). You know I love you. It's good to see you.
John It's good to see you.
Are you sure you've been okay, this does not look like a guy who's been okay.
John Ahh, I know. Looks like a pig sty.
Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.
John Get out.
What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--
John I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.
You said that the book wasn't your's.
John Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John Kindly leave!
I'm trying--
John Kindly leave.
Mean a lot to me if you came.
John Oh, I bet it would! Hillbilly!
What?!
John White trash!
What are you talking about?
John Out. Out.
You better get your ass to that wedding.
We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John And who's going to be there to catch them?
Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season? (raises hand)
John Mister Grey.
Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?
John Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?
Mom make you feel her tits?
John Did you say something Todd?
Mom make you feel her tits?
John Todd, where are you going with this?
Just don't, don't say anything to my dad though. Some friend of my sisters. She said something to my dad a couple of years ago. He now lives in a shack in Guam. Not by choice.
Woman Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
John Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Woman You poor thing!
John He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?
Woman Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--
John Oh, you have to leave?
Woman Yes.
John Oh, okay.
Woman I could hang out for a few minutes.
John [Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]
Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Woman You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--
John Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
John How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
John God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
Other characters in Wedding Crashers
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Ken 'Hutch' Hutchinson
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Dignan
Eli Cash
Ned Plimpton
Lightning McQueen
Alexander Scott