Jeremy Grey Rule number 76. No excuses. Play like a champion.
Most-quoted character in Wedding Crashers (2005): in 40 of its 198 quotes
Most scenes with: John Beckwith (12), Claire (2)
I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love maple syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up slick?
More lines from Jeremy Grey
20 quotes Jeremy Grey Jeremy Grey You go have fun. I'm gonna go ice my balls and spit up blood, Team Player!
Jeremy Grey I don't think you heard me correctly, I've got a stage five virgin clinger!
Jeremy Grey I'm a little too traumatized to enjoy a scone right now.
Jeremy Grey I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
Jeremy Grey I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you. And you want to know what? I dig it.
Jeremy Grey It feels so good when he jokes.
Jeremy Grey Lock it up!
Jeremy Grey The painting was a gift Todd. I'm taking it with me.
Jeremy Grey Yeah that, or it could have been the midnight rape, or the nude gay art show that took place in my room last night.
Jeremy Grey Give me a break! That was my first Asian!
Jeremy Grey Proper girl in the hat just eye-**** the shit out of me.
Jeremy Grey You motor-boating son of a bitch!
Jeremy Grey This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
Jeremy Grey Oh please! You and I both know I'm a phenomenal dancer!
Jeremy Grey I don't even wear a belt...beltless.
Jeremy Grey Did you hear what I just said to you? Stage five? Virgin? Clinger? Let’s go, I’m gonna start the car, I’m serious, let’s go.
Jeremy Grey I don’t think that you’re appreciating the urgency here. Not only is she a virgin, she’s totally off the reservation. I’m terrified of this broad.
Jeremy Grey I'm a ****man!
Jeremy Grey I hope you flip your bike over and knock out your two front teeth, you selfish son-of-a-bitch!
Scenes with Jeremy Grey
19 scenes
No, don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Yeah, well the proper girl in the hat just eye **** the shit out of me.
[the guests in front of them turn and look at Jeremy]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
Jeremy Look, John, I'm sorry. I'm not sorry, okay? I'm not gonna apologize. I'm a **** man.
Jeremy I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, John, I'm fried.
Soft mattress?
Jeremy Yeah, that could've been it. Could've been the soft mattress, or it could've been the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
Try one of these scones, you're gonna love them.
Jeremy I'm a little too traumatized to have a scone. Let's move.
Jeremy I don't give a baker's ****! I just had my own sock duct taped into my mouth last night!
Whoa, what?
Jeremy Yeah, the, the sock that I wore all day, playing football in, pouring sweat in, was shoved into my mouth and then was duct taped over it!
Well, then let's talk about it. I'm a good listener.
Jeremy I'm not going to discuss this. I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
Jeremy Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's kind of an interesting combination.
Sack I hunt quail, Jeremy! They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grub worm population. You got a **** problem with that?!
Jeremy Not nearly as much as I do with the, uh, attire you have on or just you general point of view toward everybody, but let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like gorilla or rhinoceros or **** human being! That'll get you jacked up.
That's a little heavy.
Jeremy I mean like, like a human being right now, most dangerous game. Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
I want my painting back.
Jeremy Your painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
Jeremy Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. What were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or for comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat? [makes motorboat noises] You motor-boating son of a bitch! You old sailor, you! Where is she? She still in the house?
What is wrong with you?
Jeremy What do you mean "what's wrong with--?" What's wrong with you?
No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy No, what's wrong with you?! You're projecting!
Drop it.
Jeremy You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
Drop it!
Jeremy Team player!
Janice
Why do you need this?
Jeremy I sleep over at John's house every year for his birthday.
Janice
Okay, that's not creepy.
Jeremy I guess it is a little creepy, when a young man, who happens to be an only child, loses both of his parents in a tragic accident one month before his birthday and then has his best friend make a vow that he will never spend his birthday alone. Yea, maybe that would fall under the category of creepy.
Janice
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Jeremy That's okay.
Janice
No, you're really sweet. I've got the perfect girl for you.
Jeremy Ahh, Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there you're wondering "Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really interested. Should I play like I'm interested? But I'm not that interested, but I think she might be interested. But do I want to be interested, but now she's not interested, so now all of a sudden I'm getting--I'm started to get interested." And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door 'cause then it's awkward? It's like, well, "Goodnight. Do you do like the ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close or just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all?" It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while your just really want to know are we going to get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions. And perhaps play a little game called just the tip, just for a second, just to see how it feels, or "Ouch, ouch, you're on my hair."
Janice
Okay.
Jeremy Okay, could you, could you put that so he--he can't see it. Thank you. Hey Janice, great talk.
Jeremy Sorry, just--just a sampler (grabbing food). Told you this would be classy, right?
Yes, you did. Class, first class all the way. I'm not blind.
Jeremy Class, class, class. They've got some kind of seasoning on here, it must be sprinkled.
Okay, go get us sets near, but not too near the bridal party. I'm going to go drop this box of fresh Wyoming air.
Jeremy Oh, and if you see any crab cakes, get your hands on some because I love the crab cakes.
Consider it done.
Jeremy So what's next?
Gloria I'm starving.
Jeremy Uchimora wedding, 3 PM.
Hey, hey.
Jeremy I'm just throwing it out there. I'm just saying, just--
Jeremy We don't even have a back story. I'm just--
Forget it, forget it.
Jeremy Just talking out loud.
We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City!
Gloria Yeah!
Jeremy Yes, we are.
Jeremy (confesses to a priest)
She's good. I mean, I believed that she was a virgin and it hurts to be lied to like that. It's a horrible feeling to feel that way. But I, you know, was looking to take advantage of something, too, so could I really feel that bad? It's not like I was who I was. You know what I'm saying? So fair play. And let's be honest with each other here, okay? Let's put all the cards on the table. She's fit for a straight-jacket, this broad is **** three ways towards the weekend, and you want to know what? I dig it! It turns me on! Yeah, it turns me on! Because you want to know what the kicker is, Father? Maybe I'm a little **** crazy! That's right, maybe Jeremy is a little nuts! And there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise. I know it's not on the surface. Man, I had a little imaginary friend when I was a kid. His name was Shiloh. We used to play checkers with each other everyday and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win.
Priest
Ha-ha-ha-ha.
Jeremy And that ain't normal! There's something odd in that, but maybe that's what it takes to make you feel connected to somebody. I don't know! But I know when that red-head starts getting kooky, there's something about me that feels alive inside. Diggin' talking with ya. You're a really enlightened cat and I like that about you. Think you're a special special man. Come in for the real thing. Get in here for the real thing. (kisses the priest) I love you, you're a sweet man.
Priest
Dear God!
Jeremy Well don't worry about it. We'll burn em with a post.
No, I got a better idea. Look, I want what you to fake the post and throw an interception to Claire, get her to feel good, you know? Get us a moment, you think you can do that?
Jeremy John, I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here. Alright guys, bring it in. Blue 17, blue 17! Red 7, red 7!
Oh, you're going to cover me?
Like white on rice.
Jeremy (in background)
Red 7! Red 7!
Alright, I like my odds here.
Jeremy (in background)
Hot route! Hot route!
Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown.
Jeremy (to everyone)
Hot route! Red 7, red 7, red 7!
Look for me in the end zone. I'll be the guy holding the ball.
Jeremy (to John)
John!
What?
Jeremy Red 7!
I don't know what Red 7 means!
Jeremy Hot route!
I don't--what is hot route?
Jeremy Would you just go stand on the other side please?
Jeremy I wanted to tell you about Gloria. I tried to, I didn't know how. And I'm sorry you had to find out this way. I'll level with ya, I care about her a lot. I love her.
What?! You're unbelievable. Judas! Rule number 5, you're an idiot.
Jeremy You're wrong about the rule book on this. There was never any rules about this. What's the rule about walking away? Never walk away on a crasher in a funny jacket, rule number hundred and fifteen. You're an asshole.
Jeremy (with sleeping bag)
Happy birthday. Can't let a little pissing and moaning break tradition.
Alright, it's today.
Jeremy See you've been getting into a little light reading.
It's not mine, I bought that for a friend.
Jeremy Yeah. So how ya been?
Great, really spectacular.
Jeremy Well good. What have you been up to?
Ya, you know, this and that. Crashing weddings.
Jeremy Alone?
No, not alone.
Jeremy Well, who have you been crashing with then?
Chazz.
Jeremy Chazz?
Chazz.
Jeremy John, you don't even know Chazz. Don't st--
Yes, I do. He's a great guy. We've been having a ball together.
Jeremy Alright look. I wanted to come by here and, and tell you I really feel bad about everything that's happened between us. Your friendship means a lot to me. I miss seeing ya.
I know, I--look I'm, I'm happy for you. I'm glad you found someone.
Jeremy I can't tell you how glad it makes me to hear you say that man. Get on in here, let the big bear get his paws on ya (hugs him). You know I love you. It's good to see you.
It's good to see you.
Jeremy Are you sure you've been okay, this does not look like a guy who's been okay.
Ahh, I know. Looks like a pig sty.
Jeremy Like a mosh pit in here. Listen, I'm getting married.
Get out.
Jeremy What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me that I'm--
I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading "don't kill myself" books.
Jeremy You said that the book wasn't your's.
Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine, but I glanced at it.
Jeremy John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
Kindly leave!
Jeremy I'm trying--
Kindly leave.
Jeremy Mean a lot to me if you came.
Oh, I bet it would! Hillbilly!
Jeremy What?!
White trash!
Jeremy What are you talking about?
Out. Out.
Jeremy You better get your ass to that wedding.
Jeremy We are going to have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that are so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
And who's going to be there to catch them?
Jeremy Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding season? (raises hand)
Mister Grey.
Jeremy Yes, um, the answer would be, um, wedding season?
Bingo. I'm gonna go get my suit. Oh, and now who are we this time?
Jeremy Who else wants something?
Boy
I want a bicycle.
Jeremy A bicycle? Well, a bicycle, that would take a lot of balloons and honestly Uncle Jeremy's a little tired right now so why don't we do something like, uh, let's say a giraffe?
Boy
I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Wh-why are you yelling at me?
Boy
Whatever, make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy I'm gonna make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Boy
Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it!
Woman Shlomo? I thought you were renouncing all your possessions and moving to Nepal. Shlomo, don't you remember me?
Oh my God, you didn't hear. I'm so sorry. Shlomo had a scuba diving accident. Yeah, he came up too fast, and the oxygen deprivation...poor guy, he doesn't remember anyone, even me, his own brother. I'm just some nice guy who helps him out.
Woman You poor thing!
He actually can't hear anything either. It's part of the accident. So you're here for the Cleary's wedding?
Woman Oh, yes, yes, but I-I have to leave. I-I've got a flight to Madrid, but--
Oh, you have to leave?
Woman Yes.
Oh, okay.
Woman I could hang out for a few minutes.
[Jeremy begins to do hand gestures]
Oh, actually, that won't be necessary. Shlomo would now like me to take him to the bathroom, and then get him some crab cakes. So, yeah, no, that's o--[Jeremy does it even more] Okay, okay! Okay, I'm gonna take you to get crab cakes first, then I'll take you to the bathroom.
Woman You know what? Here is my number. If there is anything I can do to help--
Have a safe flight. Don't worry about us. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna make it.
Jeremy [she leaves]
Doctor. She looked good. I'm gonna give it a shot.
How are you gonna call her? She thinks you're deaf.
Jeremy Everyone wants to be a part of a miracle. I turned a corner. She's a part of it. People helping people. It's powerful stuff.
God, you're a sick man. You also may be a genius.
Jeremy The great 19th century philosopher Schopenhauer, he said, at that moment when a human sees another human in danger, that there's this breaking in of metaphysical awareness. Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria What?
Jeremy That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone--with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from "What's Happening!", The Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote "Catcher in the Rye," Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother--we're all one.
Gloria We are?
Randolph [sees Jeremy carrying the grandmother back to her room]
You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy Jam? L--
Randolph Listen, man,the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you, if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy You could not be more wrong about what's happen--
Randolph Just be gentle with her, okay? She be pushing 90! Jesus Christ.
Other characters in Wedding Crashers
More Vince Vaughn characters
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Bernard 'Beanie' Campbell
Peter La Fleur
Reese Feldman
Brad
Wes Mantooth
Howell
Bob McAllister