Vince Vaughn movie quotes

View Quote I don't know what it was, it was...a...drugs are bad, Jenny eat something, whatever. It's an After School special.

View Quote There's nothing wrong with letting the girls know that you're money and that you want to party.

View Quote 'm not even hungry; I couldn't touch it. [Hands plate to guy at next table]

View Quote Yeah, that's it. I got a student alt rock band coming on next. Mitch, I own six speaker cities. I am worth three a half million dollars that the government knows about, and I can barely read. I can't. I got more electronics up there than a damn KISS concert. You think I'm gonna roll out this type of red carpet for a **** marching band? Just make sure you can see the stage.

View Quote Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you man; you have one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart Frankie. Way to think it through.

View Quote I'd like to welcome you all to the Mitch Martin Freedom Festival. Now for those of you who don't know who Mitch Martin is, he's the very successful, very disease-free gentleman standing by the mini bar. Now, courtesy of Speaker City, which is slashing prices on everything from beepers to DVD players, give a warm Harrison welcome to my pal and your favorite, Snoop Dogg.

View Quote I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup. I love maple syrup! I love maple syrup on pancakes, I love it on pizza! I love to take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up slick?

View Quote I was first-team All-State. I can put the ball wherever I want to. I'll make it rain out here.

View Quote Give me a break! That was my first Asian!

View Quote I found that if you have a goal, you might not reach it. But if you don't have one, then you are never disappointed.

View Quote I'd love to, but I don't think they make a 'sorry your dodgeball coach just got crushed by two tons of irony' Hallmark card.

View Quote It's time to put your mouth where our balls are.

View Quote Woman! Do your job and swaddle this baby!

View Quote [as Joseph in the Nativity play] My wife is pregnant and it's not my baby, but yet I'm cool with it, because God's the one who got her pregnant.

View Quote My childhood was like The Shawshank Redemption, except I didn't have some old, warm, black man to share my story with!

View Quote [to Ron] From deep down in my stomach, with every inch of me, I pure, straight hate you. But goddammit, do I respect you!

View Quote I hate you, Ron Burgundy! I hate you! [turning to his co-anchors] Can't say one word? Even the guy who can't think said something and you just stand there? Cmon!

View Quote Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!!!

View Quote Don't point your gun forward. I do not want to be shot today. No matter how much you are tempted.

View Quote Howell: Have you ever roped a goat, Hollywood?
Hollywood: No, Sarge.
Howell: Have you ever looked into a goat's eyes?
Hollywood: No, Sarge.
Howell: Good, that would be unnatural.

View Quote Smitty Ryker: [BREATHING HEAVILY] [GROANING SOFTLY]
Howell: There's something off in your presentation, Private. Can't place it. Is it your hair? Is it the wrinkle in your trousers?
Smitty Ryker: I have a knife in my foot, Sergeant.
Howell: Oh, yes, of course, that's it. The knife. What is your name, soldier?
Smitty Ryker: Smitty Ryker.
Howell: No, your name is Private Idiot. Do you know why?
Smitty Ryker: Because I have a knife in my foot.
Howell: Who placed the knife there, Private?
Smitty Ryker: It was an accident, Sarge. We was playing Stretch.
Howell: I am heartened by the knowledge you did not place it there with intention. Who threw the knife?
Kirzinski: I did, Sergeant. Private Kirzinski.
Howell: You look part Indian. To what tribe do you belong, son?
Kirzinski: No, I'm Polish.
Howell: Wrong. I believe you must have Cherokee or Shawnee blood in you.
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant.
Howell: Are you contradicting me, you wagon-burning son of a bitch?
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant!
Howell: Let me see your Indian war cry, son.
Kirzinski: I don't...
Howell: [IMITATING WAR CRY]
Howell & Kirzinski: [BOTH IMITATING WAR CRY]
Howell: Louder! Let me see it.
Kirzinski: [IMITATES WAR CRY LOUDER]
Howell: What is your animal spirit? Are you a garter snake?
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant!
Howell: Are you a chipmunk?
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant!
Howell: Are you a dancing reindeer?
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant!
Howell: Are you contradicting me, Private?
Kirzinski: No, Sergeant!
Howell: Good. Then I shall henceforth call you "Chief" as a sign of great respect to your people.
Kirzinski: Thank you, Sergeant!

View Quote Here's the best case scenario: he's a lonely old man, he wants to waltz, he wants to listen to some of the old songs from his childhood. Worst case scenario: you're getting **** in the ass.

View Quote Singing was their hobby. Closing ass was their job.

View Quote [about his massage chair] That is the best 2300 bucks I ever spent. I got it at a place called relaxtheback.com. It's like Toys-R-Us for your ass and back.

View Quote Eddie Carr: Wow. Is this even possible?
Ian Malcolm: What? This? What did you think you were going to document? What did you think you were going to see?
Nick Van Owen: Animals. Maybe big iguanas.
Ian Malcolm: Fruitcakes.

View Quote Eddie Carr: Who's hurt, what do you need?
Ian Malcolm: We need rope!
Eddie Carr: Rope? What, anything else?
Ian Malcolm: Yeah, three double cheeseburgers with everything.
Nick Van Owen: No onions on mine!
Sarah Harding: And an apple turnover!

View Quote Roland Tembo: The rex just fed, so he won't be hunting for a while.
Ian Malcolm: Just fed? I assume you're talking about Eddie? You might show a little more respect, the man saved our lives by giving his.
Roland Tembo: Then his problems are over. My point is, predators don't hunt when they're not hungry.
Nick Van Owen: Yeah, only humans do.
Roland Tembo: Oh, you're breaking my heart. Come on! Saddle up, let's get this moveable feast under way!

View Quote Alex: [during a poker game] Two dollars, four dollars, six dollars; just put all the money in. I just wanna see everybody going for broke.
Wayne: You wanna play?
Alex: No.

View Quote Wayne: [to Chris getting dirty while working] What do you think about all this?
Alex: I like all this.

View Quote Alex: Is there a library or bookstore around here where I can get books on hunting and preserving?
Wayne: Anything at all to do with hunting or preserving the meat, smoking it, whatever the hell it is, talk to Kevin over there. That's your man. [Kevin gets slapped by a woman] Outdoorsman? What's your fascination with all that stuff?
Alex: I'm going to Alaska.
Wayne: Alaska, Alaska? Or city Alaska? Because they do have markets in Alaska. The city of Alaska. Not in Alaska, in the city of Alaska, they have markets.
Alex: No, man. Alaska, Alaska! I'm gonna be all the way out there, all the way **** out there. Just on my own. You know, no **** watch, no map, no ax, no nothing. No nothing. Just be out there. Just be out there in it. You know, big mountains, rivers, sky, game. Just be out there in it, you know? In the wild.
Wayne: In the wild.
Alex: Just wild.
Wayne: Yeah.
Alex: Just...
Wayne: What are you doing when we're there? Now, you're in the wild, what are we doing?
Alex: You're just- you're just living, man. You're just there, in that moment, in that special place and time.
Wayne: Yeah.
Alex: Maybe when I get back, I can write a book about my travels.
Wayne: Why not?
Alex: You know, about getting out of this sick society. Society!
Wayne: [coughs] Society!
Alex: Society, man!
Wayne: Society!
Alex: Society! Society!
Wayne: Society!
Alex: Society, you know! Society! 'Cause you know what I don't understand? I don't understand why people, why every **** person is so bad to each other so **** often. It doesn't make sense to me. Judgment. Control. All that, the whole spectrum. Well, it just...
Wayne: What people we talking about?
Alex: You know... parents, hypocrites, politicians, pricks.
Wayne: [points to Chris' head] This is a mistake. It's a mistake to get too deep into all that kind of stuff. Alex, you're a hell of a young guy, a hell of a young guy. But I promise you this. You're a young guy. Can't be juggling blood and fire all the time!

View Quote I said, I said I saw your Dad on Fantasy Island!

View Quote Marriage Counselor: How often do you have sex?

Jane Smith: I don't understand the question.
Girls walking by House: What's going on, Mrs. Smith?

Jane Smith: Garden party, girls.
Jane Smith: There's this huge space between us, and it just keeps filling up with everything that we *don't* say to each other. What's that called?

Marriage Counselor: Marriage.
Marriage Counselor: On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the happiness of your marriage?

Jane Smith: 8.

John Smith: Wait. Could you clarify? Is 10 the highest? 10 being perfectly happy and 1 being totally miserable or...

Marriage Counselor: Just respond instinctively.

John Smith: Ok. Ready?

Jane Smith, John Smith: 8.

John Smith: Come to Daddy.

Jane Smith: [after she bashes him with a teapot and headbutts him] Who's your Daddy now?
John Smith: Dance with me.

Jane Smith: You don't dance.

John Smith: It was just my cover, sweetheart.

Jane Smith: Was sloth part of it too?
John Smith: [at marriage counseling] Ask us the sex question.

Jane Smith: [whispers] John.

John Smith: [softly with his fingers out for ten] Ten.
John Smith: Hiya, stranger.

Jane Smith: Hiya back.

[John has just returned from shooting Lucky at the bar]

Jane Smith: Where've you been?

John Smith: I just went down to the sports bar. Put a little money on the game.

Jane Smith: How'd you do?

John Smith: I got Lucky.
John Smith: [both pointing guns at each other; John drops his] You want it? It's yours.

Jane Smith: Don't! C'mon! C'mon!
[about the new curtains Jane bought]

Jane Smith: If you don't like them we can take them back.

John Smith: All right, I don't like them.

Jane Smith: [pause] You'll get used to them.
Jane Smith: You ever have trouble sleeping after?

John Smith: No.

Jane Smith: Me neither.
Benjamin: [while being interrogated and tortured by John Smith] Can I have a soda or a juice or...

[Jane hits him with the telephone]

John Smith: Ok, that was a nice shot.
[first session with a marriage counselor]

John Smith: Ok, I'll go first. let me see... um... We don't really need to be here. See, we've been married for five years.

Jane Smith: Six.

John Smith: [chastened] Five, six years.
Jane Smith: [referring to the pursuing cars] They're bulletproof!

John Smith: [having not heard and shot at the cars] They're bulletproof!
[Jane rolls her eyes]

John Smith: How many? Ok... I'll go first, then. I don't keep exact count, but I'd say, uh, high 50s, low 60s. I mean, I know I've been around the block an all, but...

Jane Smith: 312.

John Smith: What? How?

Jane Smith: Some were two at a time.

(Comparing body-counts, or possibly affairs.)
John Smith: [during a car chase] I never told you, but I was married once before.

(Jane slams on the brakes)

John Smith: Ow! Are you insane? What's wrong with you!?

Jane Smith: [hitting John] You're what's wrong with me!

John Smith: It was a drunken Vegas thing.

Jane Smith: Oh, that's better! That's *much* better!

(pause)

Jane Smith: What's her name and social security number?

John Smith: No, you're not gonna kill her.
Jane Smith: My parents died when I was five. I'm an orphan.

John Smith: Who was that kind fellow who gave you away at our wedding?

Jane Smith: Paid actor.

John Smith: I said, I said I saw your dad on "Fantasy Island"!
Jane Smith: I know.
John Smith: You know I don't even want to talk about it!
Jane Smith: Wait, why do I get the girl gun?

John Smith: Are you kidding me?
John Smith: That's the second time you've tried to kill me today.

Jane Smith: Oh, come on, it was just a little bomb.
John Smith: I never went to MIT. Notre Dame. Art history major.

Jane Smith: Art?

John Smith: History! It's reputable.
John Smith: I realise you witnessed the missus and I working through a few domestic issues. That's regrettable but don't take that to be a sign of weakness, that would be a mistake on your part.

[Jane is drumming her fingers impatiently]

John Smith: Honey!

Jane Smith: Wrap it up.

John Smith: Maybe it's not such a good idea to undermine me in front of the hostage - sends a mixed message.

Jane Smith: Sorry.

John Smith: Girls. Where was I?

Benjamin: Mistake on your part.

John Smith: Shut up.
John Smith: Did you hear the helicopter dropping me off that night for our anniversary dinner?

Jane Smith: No. Oh, percussion grenades. I was partially deaf that evening.
John Smith: What's new?

Eddie: Same old, same old. People need killing.
John Smith: Careful, Jane. I can push the button any time I like.

Jane Smith: Baby, you couldn't find the button with both hands and a map.
Jane Smith: You were bait.

Benjamin: In a manner of speaking.

Jane Smith: *Were* bait or *are* bait?
John Smith: [Refering to the picture Benjamin has of John and Jane] You get rid of it, you burn it! Tradecraft 101!

Benjamin: Oh. Sorry, I guess I missed that day. Just like you missed the day of don't marry the enemy.
Lucky: What? You're looking for a job or something?

John Smith: You are the job.

[John kills everybody in the room]

John Smith: [looking at the cards at the table] Pair of threes.
(comparing injuries)

John Smith: I'm slightly colorblind. Retinal scarring.

John Smith: Three ribs. Broken eye socket. Perforated eardrum.

Jane Smith: I can't feel anything in these three fingers.
John Smith: [talking about their predicament while in a nice restaurant] So what do we do, Jane? Shoot it out here? Hope for the best?

Jane Smith: Well, that would be bad because they would probably ask me to leave once you are dead.

Jane Smith: [dancing with John, he's just finished searching her for weapons] Satisfied?

John Smith: Not for years.
Jane Smith: I thought I told you not to bother me at the office, honey.

John Smith: Well, you are still Mrs. Smith.

Jane Smith: Well, so are a lot of girls.
John Smith: That left of yours is a thing of beauty.

Jane Smith: Mmm. You take it well.

View Quote Eddie: Tempting but I don't get out of bed for less than half a million dollars.
Eddie: This broad is not your wife, she's the enemy.

John Smith: She tried to kill me.

Eddie: They all try to kill you. Slowly, painfully, cripplingly, and then wham. They hurt you. How you going to handle it?

John Smith: [grabs a MP5] I'm going to borrow this.

Eddie: I like where your head's at, man.
Eddie: Did you get any other details on her besides her weight class?

John Smith: [mumbles while chewing food] Laptop

Eddie: I'm sorry? You're in the whole zone right now- I'm having a hard time talkin' to ya.

John Smith: [swallows and says louder] Laptop!

Eddie: OK. Laptop.
Eddie: [at the diner] Well this shouldn't be that difficult, I mean how many chicks are hitters out there? Ya know what I mean?
Eddie's Waitress: You guys want any dessert?

Eddie: What do ya have honey?

Eddie's Waitress: Ice cream...

Eddie: Ice cream?! That sounds delicious, what flavors d'ya have?

Eddie's Waitress: Chocolate and Vanilla...

Eddie: I don't like either of those, separately, but maybe mixed together, that could be... a nice lil dish, you know what I mean? And not just a little pink spoon, a like the whole sundae...

[winks to the waitress]

Eddie's Waitress: Could be arranged...

[walks off]

Eddie: Perfect...

[to John]

Eddie: Could be arranged, d'ya hear that? Like to have her kick my ass... d'ya know what I mean?
Eddie's Mom: Eddie?

Eddie: [Startled. **** shotgun and shouts] Mom! We are on high alert here. I almost killed you right then! You do not even realize!

Eddie's Mom: [pause] Never mind.

Eddie: I live with my mom because I choose to. She's the only woman I've ever trusted.

View Quote Norman Bates: It's not as if she were a maniac or a raving thing. She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?
Marion Crane: Yes. Sometimes just one time can be enough. Thank you.
Norman Bates: Thank you, Norman.
Marion Crane: Norman.

View Quote Marion Crane: Wouldn't it be better if you... if you... put her someplace?
Norman Bates: Do you mean an institution? A madhouse? People always call a madhouse "someplace", don't they? "Put her in someplace."
Marion Crane: I'm sorry. I didn't mean it to sound uncaring. I...
Norman Bates: What do you know about caring? Have you ever seen the inside of one those places? The laughing and the tears, and the cruel eyes studying you. My mother in there? But she's harmless. She's as harmless as one of these stuffed birds.
Marion Crane: I am sorry. I only felt... I...
Norman Bates: You felt what?
Marion Crane: It seems that she was... she's hurting you. I meant well.
Norman Bates: People always mean well. They cluck their thick tongues and they shake their heads and they suggest, oh, so very delicately... [calms down] Of course, I've suggested it myself.

View Quote Norman Bates' Mother: No! I tell you no! I won't have you bringing in some young girl in for supper! By candlelight, I suppose, in the cheap erotic fashion of young men with cheap erotic minds!
Norman Bates: Mother, please...!
Norman Bates' Mother: And then what? After supper? Music? Whispers?
Norman Bates: Mother, she's a stranger. She's hungry, and it's raining out!
Norman Bates' Mother: [mockingly] "Mother, she's just a stranger"! As if men don't desire strangers! As if.. ooh, I refuse to speak of disgusting things, because they disgust me! You understand, boy? Go on, go tell her she'll not be appeasing her ugly appetite with my food or my son! Or do I have to tell you because you don't have the guts?
Norman Bates: [shouts] Mother, shut up! Shut up!