All right. First off, let me say that I'm here only as a mediator. And these negotiations will be between Mr. Potter... and the representatives of the United Animals of the Forest, local 534.
Yeah. Let's come to order.
What's the stipulations, Doc? What kind of territory are we looking at?
It's only, uh, 12 acres here. It's 12 acres.
I got your 12 acres right here, pal.
I'll give you something you like. Like this. [urinating]
I think that's a "no." Or "hell no," maybe.
[narrating]
Meanwhile, the strike kept growing. Even the pros were getting in on the act.
MO Man on P.A.
The last few runners left to load now for one of the biggest spectacles of the year: It's Derby time. Last horse is in. Gate's closed. And away they go!
H Horses
Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go! Hell, no! We won't go!
Horse Jockey Run your own stupid race!
Horse You try running a mile. Don't even think about reaching for that whip, shorty.
ST Shamu Trainer
Ladies and gentlemen, Shamu!
ST Shamu Trainer
[audience cheering, applause]
This is Shamu!
S Shamu
[audience muttering]
Nah. I don't feel like jumping through any hoops today. Any of you guys?
KW Killer Whale #1
Uh-uh.
KW Killer Whale #2
No, no. Not today. I just ate. Uh-uh.
Mr. Potter, I hope we have a deal now.
Yeah! Good job. Taught him everything he knows.
Vive le bear! Vive le Archie! Vive le docteur! [hiccups]
Come on, give me a bear hug. Come on!
Oh, no. Absolutely not, Archie.
You're not leaving here until you get a bear hug.
All right, give me a hug then. just a little one.
Okay. All right. That's good. Archie-- [gagging] Archie! Archie, you're crushing my spine. [gasping] Archie!
Charisse has always had a mind of her own. When she was about a year and a half, she decided not to wear diapers anymore. Remember that?
She started having accidents around the house 'cause she didn't have it down yet. We'd have little piles--
Dad, you just had to go there, didn't you?
This is family. We're talking the old days.
It's cool. I'm actually learning something here.
Really? You know what's interesting? You never learned to take off your hat at the dinner table. Isn't your head getting hot? Mine's hot just looking at you in that hat.
Sixteen! Just think. In two years you'll be out of this house and on your way to college.
One year, ten months, sixteen days.
You know what? Berkeley's a really close college. You could live at home, save money.
That's a good idea. But I've already reserved a U-Haul for the day I graduated high school.
Oh. You reserved a U-Haul already?
Uh, Dad? Someone to see you.
Thank you, sweetie. Excuse me, darling.
I love you too. Excuse me, Eric.
Hey, hey, yo. Yo, down here. Okay.
First, let me say the beaver sends birthday greetings to your lovely daughter.
Really? That's very nice. Tell the beaver he's starting to get on my nerves.
Why are you getting bent out of shape? He only wants a moment of your time.
I don't think you want to go down that road, my favorite best friend.
[knocks on window]
Go and tell the beaver, 8:00, my office, tomorrow.
Oh, the beaver don't travel for nobody. He knows you're a busy man, and he will remember this, but this is truly a life-or-death situation.
All right, shut up, listen. My car, 7:00 a.m. All right?
Hey, this is good news. The beaver likes good news.
Come on, blow your candles out and make a wish.
R1 Rat #1
[Two girls she screams]
Sweet...
Rat #2 Surprise!
R1 Rat #1
Happy birthday!
Rat #2 It's your birthday! It's your birthday!
R1 Rat #1
There's a mouse in the house!
Rat #2 Hey, give me that!
R1 Rat #1
I am licking the candles!
Rat #2 Oh, yeah, you can lick my fat, funky little--
R1 Rat #1
Hey, don't be a piggy!
Rat #2 [John he grabs two rats who popped out of birthday cake.]
Ooh, ouch! Hey, watch the fur! Watch the fur, buddy! We're trying to do something nice for your daughter.
R1 Rat #1
A couple of cute little kitties pop out, you'd say, "Oh, how cute! How cute!"
[Hanging them over the edge of a window]
But you're not. You're not- You're not-
Listen, you are not a couple of cute little kitties.
Rat #2 Yes, we are.
You are two disgusting rats...
Rat #2 No, we're not.
...that just ruined the birthday cake.
Rat #2 Oh, so you wanna get personal now, dude? Well, do you know what "rats" spelled backwards is, mister? It's "star!"
R1 Rat #1
That's right! I'm the star, buddy!
Oh, really, is that right? Well, do you know what "ha" spelled backwards is?
Rat #2 Uh, no, I don't have any--
R Rats
[John he drops them.]
Aaaaah!
R1 Rat #1
[The two rats land safely in a garbage dump.]
Could it be?
Rat #2 Yes, it is! Baby Diapers!
R1 Rat #1
My favorite! Chocolate!
Guess who's back from France!
Hi, sweetie. [grunting] I got you a present from Paris.
Yes, that's for you. That's for us.
I can enjoy this present as well.
You know what would be a really nice present, though?
If you could keep that flock of your faithful away from the building.
I'm sorry. I'll talk to 'em later.
Hey, baby! How you doing? I got you a little present from Mexico.
Gracias. I wonder what it is.
Aah! Earthquake! 9-1-1! Nueve-uno-uno!
Oh, no, no. I wouldn't shake it.
Ow! My spleen! Ooh, that hurt.
Oh, he's so cute. Thanks, Dad.
Hey, this isn't Puerto Vallarta.
It's a chameleon. It can change color against different backgrounds.
The blendmaster is in the house! I gonna disappear! Now you see me- Poof! Now you don't, eh?
No, we can still see you.
I'm not gone? I'm not invisible?
You did remember Charisse's birthday?
I sure did. You remember to get the cake from Stinson's?
Uh, actually, Charisse doesn't want to have a family birthday party.
What's that about? I thought we always celebrate together.
Take this thing to your room.
I didn't ask. She's a big girl now.
We'll see about this date thing. Where's the birthday girl at?
Uh, she's unreachable. What? Where is she?
She's in her room with the door locked and headphones on. You could try paging her.
She's in the house and unreachable? I'm supposed to page her in my house. I'm gonna page somebody in my own house? Okay, we'll see if I'm gonna page some-- I ain't paging nothing!
Hey, come on out of there, Archie.
I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
It was the rudest thing I've ever done before or once or since, and everyone knows I once rode a unicycle in a tutu! A tutu!
Okay, I understand, but we can fix this. We just have to work harder.
Nope, I'm just gonna stay here and hibernate.
Tell him to stay in there. We're making our own bear suit.
Good, bcause we were wondering, would it be alright if every animal in the whole forest stays with you next week?
Alright, Archie. I'm not playing anymore. You come out here right now, you big coward!
Uh, excuse me, who are you calling a coward?
You. I'm calling you a coward. You're a big coward for quitting like this!
You wanna know what "hard" is, Archie? My wife is mad at me, my daughter's mad at me, and I'm spending my vacation with a pizza boy, who greets me by saying "Hey yo, Dr. D, what's up?" Now, I'm standing here listening to a big, furry baby crying, telling me he wants to quit, because it's too hard!
[whines]
Well, Ava laughed at me!
[mocking Archie]
"Oh, boo-hoo! Ava laughed at me! I love her, and I need her, and she laughed at me!" You know something, you don't even deserve Ava! Why should Ava have to spend her life with a [pokes him] coward like you?
Hey. Don't poke the bear, buddy.
Oh, I didn't poke a bear, because if I poked a bear, a bear would be mauling me. So, I dunno what I poked, but it sure ain't no bear! [pokes him again]
[pokes him again]
Yeah, and I'm poking you!
[pokes him three times]
Alright, poke, poke, poke!
Alright, that's it!! [pushes John over the edge]
[he tries to fall off and lands his back in the mud.]
Archie, that hurt.
Whoa, that felt good. Bear-like.
Hey, Archie, you know what? You're beyond my help! You just take your back to the circus!
A bear? Whoo-hoo! I'm a bear! I'm the alpha bear! Rawr! RAAWWRRR! Uh, bears say "grr," right?
[sighs, inhales, sighs continues]
Perfect night.
[crickets chirping]
Sitting' here, breathing fresh country air, listening to the crickets chirp.
You know what the crickets are saying?
Dad, I don't speak to the animals. You're the one who understands 'em, not me. Little monkeys don't come up to me asking me for a 40-ounce. I don't say, "Can I help you, little animal? Need a shot?" I don't do that. I'm in my room listening to music. You see me talking to the animals?
Hey, Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, hey! Slow it down a second. I was just gonna tell you that crickets are natures thermometers, that's all. You can tell how cold it is by how fast they chirp.
It seems a little cold out here, doesn't it?
Maybe I need to go get my vest. Yeah.
[distant rhythmic thumping] ♪♪ [hip-hop]
[vehicle approaching] ♪♪[car stereo: hip-hop continues]
[chattering laughing]
Yo, Dr. Dre is still the best. Hey, and get a tuneup, man. Get a tuneup. Yo, what's up, baby?
H-H-Hey! Hey! You left your homey!
I don't know, Eric. Maybe you should tell me.
Yo, man, I came to visit. Since y'all love me so much, I was gonna stay a couple days.
No, no. Hell, no. Charisse, I don't understand.
What's not to understand, Dad?
Eric with bags. I don't understand that.
He's staying here for a couple nights. Mama said so.
Oh, okay. Eric, you gonna be on the floor in the living room in a sleeping bag, if you don't have a problem with that. By the way, Eric, I'm watching you. And not just me. I got eyes all around the woods. You know I talk to the birds. Right?
You feel me? Okay. All right. I'm watching... I'm watching you, Eric! I'm watching your back!
How do you save a forest, anyway?
It's not gonna feel easy, John. But I would assume the lumber companies have a lot of clout. I do know if there were a threatened or endangered species living in the forest, there are laws that protect it.
How am I gonna find out if there are any endangered animals in the forest?
Well, you could ask Eugene.
Eugene [He holding the baby orangutan]
We found an endangered species of bear. A female whose mother had been killed by poachers. She's the only Pacific Western bear up there.
Good. One bear has to be protected.
Eugene Well, no. The lawyers for Potter's Logging Company argued that since she's the only one there, there's no chance for survival of the species anyway. There'd have to be a male too.
Giraffe Pardon me.
Why don't we get a male up there and let nature take its course?
Eugene Unfortunately, The only male Pacific Western bear we could find was raised in captivity.
Giraffe Excuse me.
Eugene There's never been a bear raised in captivity that's been successfully reintroduced to the wild.
They've never had the world-famous love doctor making the introductions.
Giraffe Psst! Doctor.
Giraffe Your man left the barn door open.
Eugene Is something wrong?
Eugene Oh, jeez. Hope that Bam Bam didn't see that.
Oh, I'm sure... The giraffe is the one that was disgusted.
Eugene I am so sorry.
I know you're disappointed.
Disappointed? About not going to Europe? Now, Dad, why would I be disappointed?
I made you a promise. I'm gonna stick to it. If you don't want me to do this, I'll understand. Okay?
Like I can actually say no and not feel guilty for the rest of my life.
As soon as we get a court order stopping the clear-cutting.
Who's gonna argue the case?
Wh-Why you looking around?
No. Don't make me do this.
Come on. For the animals. [mock whimpering] Do it for the animals.
That's species-ism. You're a species-ist. You' re a species-ist!
If only I had an eyewitness. Did anybody see what happened?
Yeah. We got one problem. He's a frigging weasel.
Oh, really. What'd he do?
I mean he's an actual frigging weasel. Hey, weasel, the doctor's here.
Lennie Okay, you know what, that's Mr. Weasel.
Mr. Weasel, did you see what happened to the bear?
Lennie Ooh, the big scary bear. Did I see what happened-
Did you see anything or not?
Lennie Okay, here's the deal. Give me that shiny wristwatch of yours, and I'll tell you what you need to know.
Lennie Oh, thank you.
Get to know her a little. Tell her about yourself.
Hi! I'm Archie. [nervous chuckle] I like moonlit walks on the beach, uh, sharing slop buckets with that special someone, and the soulful sounds of the Backstreet Boys.
Hey, Archie, uh, why don't you let me take it from here? That was good.
What do you think of Archie? Cute?
Oh, don't make me eat you.
Stop that. He's a little uncomfortable around the female species at first--
That's not even really the point. I need a real bear, someone who can hunt and protect and provide for me.
Oh. Okay. I can understand that.
Oh, and I'm already involved with someone.
Really? You have a boyfriend already-a "bearfriend." Are you in love this bear?
"Love"? My cousin married for love, and the next thing she knows... he's two-timing her with this hot little grizzly in a cave up north.
Okay, so you're not in love?
All right, let's make a deal. Don't make any decisions for a month. I'm gonna go work with Archie, and in a month's time I'm gonna turn that bear... into a bear that you'll be proud to have little bear cubs with.
Check it out! I've flipped for you... [crunch] Pinecone. Gah!
Okay, candles, fruit, cheese, wine. Perfect.
Oh, hey, honey. I'll tell you what I'm doing. It's all about you tonight, baby. I've sent the children to the other movies, and the bear is camping in the woods. We're alone.
[clears throat]
One second.
No, you cannot see me. I am at one with the couch. I am blended perfectly, interwoven into every fiber. Oops! I can give you some pointers!
So much for the intrusions.
Hey, come on. It ain't no fun if the homeys can't see none.
You were thinking candles and wine would make up for ignoring me the last few days.
I'm trying to sense a little resistance. I took that into consideration. Here's something you need to resist.
♪♪ [Stereo: R&B Ballad]
LR Lionel Richie
♪ And I feel with you ♪
[Lisa chuckles]
Is this our wedding song?
♪ In my arms ♪
Is this the first thing you ever danced to as Mrs. Dolittle?
[Lisa laughing] ♪ This love will last ♪
The other show is about to start.
♪ Forever ♪
It is! It truly is!
♪ 'Cause I'm ♪ ♪ Truly ♪
♪ With Mrs. Dolittle ♪
♪ Truly in love ♪
[singing along]
♪ Truly in love with you, girl ♪
♪♪ [continues]
Let me tell you, he scratched my belly the other day, my leg went crazy.
♪ Head over heels with your love ♪♪
Apparently, he's truly, truly in love with her.
Hey, Doc, give her some garbage. Chicks like garbage.
How about planting a little sugar on Dr. D's lips?
Deer He broke her! [gasps]
Get outta here, all of you!
But this is really helpful. I'm learning a lot. Truly.
Just get out of here. We'll discuss it tomorrow.
You're gonna discuss what tomorrow?
Oh. Well, I w-I was- Well, baby, why don't we just pick it up where we left off.
Why don't you sleep on the couch?
W-Wait, what'd she say, Doc?
She said she loves me much, I get to sleep on the couch.
Yes, I'm the man. I'm the man on the couch. [clears throat]
Potter's people set Archie up. I got a witness.
An animal? You can't offer that into evidence.
Well, you got any better ideas?
Well, I-I'll stall for time. Maybe we'll get a private investigator.
Those trucks are ready to roll. They're taking Archie to a zoo in Mexico.
John, if you go on the witness stand, Riley is gonna tear you to shreds.
Well, what do I have to lose?
Look, I don't care. I'm not giving up on those animals this easy. Not without a fight. Excuse me.
[Lisa sighs]
This is unbelievable. She has 50 numbers in here, not one of them is mine.
You shouldn't be looking at that.
Why not? "Biggie Mack, cell. Biggie Mack, pager. Biggie Mack, home." Who the (using the other bad word getting censored) is Biggie Mack?
I'm gonna find out who Biggie Mack is. I don't like that name. What the (using the other bad word getting censored) name is that?
Eldon [phone rings]
What is that?
Eldon's Wife: Marcus's cell phone.
Eldon Cell phone?
Eldon's Wife: Mm-hmm.
Eldon When did he get a cell phone?
Eldon's Wife: Last week.
What are you doing? John!
Shh! I'm checking out Biggie Mack.
Eldon Hello.
Eldon Well, who is this?
Eldon Who wants to know?
I'm asking the questions here, punk!
Eldon What?
Eldon None of your (using the other bad word getting censored) business.
What if I make it my business to find out how old you are?
Eldon Are you threatening me?
I don't make threats! I'm promising you that if you ever--
Eldon Is this John Dolittle?
Hi, I'm sorry. That's a wrong number.
That's a grown man on the other end of that phone.
I wish I could say the same thing about you.
[doorbell ringing]
The door.
Go get that door right now!
Who am I, Mr. French? I got to get doors? Just a minute.
Hey, Dr. D. What's up? It's me.
Me? Who's "me"? Back up, "me."
I'm saying, you gonna let me in? Dr. D. What's going on? Excuse me? Remember me? Eric, Domino's Pizza. Extra cheese, anchovies, guacamole?
You're the pizza guy, yeah.
Thanks a lot, man. I forget to give you a tip? I'm sorry.
No, no, that's cool. You gave me something a little better than a tip.
I'm gonna take care of you. It's nice to have a little--
What's up, baby? What's going on? You ready?
Hold on. Wait. This is your date?
[chuckling]
My man. What's up?
Uh, Eric? Hmm, no. We have to stay here with the family and eat dinner.
Hey, Charisse, now, don't be like that. You gonna ruin dinner for everybody. Come on now.
You know what, pops? Don't sweat that. I know how to take care of her.
You sure you don't want another one of these things?
Okay. I got a question for you, Archie. Let's say you spend your whole life in show business. Right? What's gonna be your big finish? Every act has to have a big finish.
Big finish? Check it out. San Francisco Bee. Quote. "The best thing about Archie's act is when it's finished." End quote.
No, I mean in life. Who you gonna share your success with, your hopes, dreams, fears and failures? I tell you what. Everything I do wouldn't mean anything if didn't have my wife and kids to go home to.
Sometimes I do get very lonely. I've never been in love.
Okay, this is your big chance. I think Ava really likes you.
Did she say something? What'd she say?
You gotta learn to read between the lines sometimes.
Hey, let's not get carried away. All right, Archie?
I feel like I'm about to burst. So, this is what love feels like, wright? Oh. Or maybe it's the marshmallows. [burps]
I think it's the marshmallows. You ate a whole bag of 'em.
Doc, tomorrow you're gonna see a brand-new bear.
You know, Archie, I think I'm gonna call it a night.
Don't go. It's a little scary out here for me. Can you stay here till I fall asleep?
Okay, I'll wait till you fall asleep. Then I'm leaving.
Can you leave the light on?
I'll keep these there, okay?
'Night, Doc. If you want a marshmallow, just gotta ask me, okay?
