Norm Macdonald movie quotes

View Quote Jacob: He's not coming back. I can't believe I fell for it. Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy.
Lucky: Man, you don't look so good.
Jacob: Yeah, look who's talking. What do the three of you know?
Lucky: Uh-oh.
Jacob: I'm in bad shape. Ow, my head.

View Quote Reverend: Leave this boy, devil man. Go now, Satan. Take the serpent's voices with you. I command you to come out of this boy! Come on out of this boy! God said it! Come on!
Young John: [of the prologue dog] She was my best friend.
Archer: You'll make some real friends now.
Lucky: From that day on, John Dolittle never spoke to animals again.
Archer: Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.

View Quote Lucky: [narrating] And after a while, all he could remember was that down inside, there was something missing. And just like his dad wanted, he grew up to be a normal, regular guy-- you know, miserable.
John: Hey, hey, get out of here! Hey! Haah! Haah! Haah! Haah haah! Haah!
[dog whimpers, urinating]
John: Stupid mutt. A vicious animal's in the hallway.
[Rodney chittering]
Lucky: [narrating] And did I mention he was a father? A lot like his own father, who was a father to him before he himself became a-- Ahem. Oh, look, she's got a giant egg.
John: Good morning, Charisse.
Charisse: My name isn't Charisse. I have changed my name to Paprika.
John: Paprika? Paprika Dolittle. That has a nice ring to it.
Charisse: Not Dolittle, just Paprika.
John: Well, I don't understand it. What is that about? What's Paprika about?
Lisa: You know, salt and pepper? Paprika?
John: Oh, oh, Okay. Paprika. I get it.
Maya: I think Paprika is a beautiful name.
[telephone ringing]
John: Really? Well, I think Paprika sounds like a seasoning.
[ring]
John: Dolittle.
Maya: He doesn't take anything we want seriously.
Charisse: Tell me about it.
John: Yes, Mark. Yes, I did go over the proposal. I think it's unbelievable. Okay, I'm on my way in now.
Lisa: Maya, where are you going with that?
Maya: It's for my swan egg I found in the park.
John: Really? It looks like it'd be a good omelet.
Maya: Dad, it's gonna hatch any day now.
John: Well, you're gonna miss that cause you're gonna be at camp.
Maya: But, Dad, I can't go to camp, cause when a baby bird hatches, the first thing it sees, it bonds with it. I want it to be me.
John: You know, Maya, it is not normal or healthy for you to spend all your time with your little experiments. You know what would be a good experiment for you? For you to spend some time with some kids your own age at camp, which is exactly where you're going Sunday. You're being dropped off at camp.
Maya: You mean dumping me off. What about my pet egg?
John: Here. Here's half a dozen pet eggs to take with you at camp.
Lisa: Oh, stop it.
John: I don't know what all the fuss is about. We went and bought you that thing anyway. You got a pet. What was that pet rat thing we bought?
Maya, Lisa and Charisse: A guinea pig.
John: We got you the guiena rat, and the thing died. It's not our fault it died.
Maya: It didn't die. His name is Rodney, and he's in my room.
John: The thing still-- so why are you bothering me about the swan? I'm going to work. I'm out of here. Good-bye. Bye-bye. Good-- Have a nice day, everybody. Nice day.
[door opens and closes]

View Quote Go, doctor. Go, doctor.

View Quote Lucky: Careful, Doc, she's 16. That's a tough age.
John: Hey! Charisse, open this door! Can you believe this? Hey!
Lucky: Try her cell.
John: I'm not calling on the cell phone while she's in her bedroom.
[rattling doorknob]
John: Hey! Charisse. Open the door! Okay. All right! Okay! Okay! [growling] Charisse! Charisse!
Drunk Monkey: [slurping, hiccuping] [chuckles] Those teenagers, Doc. They can drive a man to drink.
John: Hey, what are you drinking?
Drunk Monkey: Gatorade.
John: Oh, really? Give it to me. [takes water pouch and smells drink]
Drunk Monkey: Hmph!
John: Gatorade make wine now, huh?
Drunk Monkey: Naaaah!
John: You better slow down.
Possum: Which one of you is Dolittle?
John: What now?
Possum: I have a message from the boss.
John: From the who?
Possum: The boss, the guard beaver. Save the questions and come with me.
John: You guys know the rules. You just don't come up here on my balcony. Make an appointment. You make an appointment Now, go. You tell the beaver make an appointment just like everybody else.
Possum: I can't tell him that. I'll end up sleeping with the fishes.
John: How's it gonna look in the paper when Dolittle throws a possum off the roof? That's not gonna look right. Now, leave, 'cause I will.
Possum: Watch your tone, buddy.
John: [muffled] Charisse!
Charisse: Talk.
John: This is Daddy. How are you?
Charisse: Hey!
John: I got a couple of questions for you. I wanna know how come I gotta climb up the side of a building and get on a cell phone to talk to you!
Charisse: Calm down. Where are you?
John: [muffled] I'm outside of the building, right here!
Charisse: Dad! Dad, what are you doing?
John: What am I doing? It's the only way I can reach you! What are you doing in here? What's all of that about? You don't do that in public, do you?
Charisse: Dance? Of course.
John: That's not dancing. That's advertising. What's this about you don't want to spend your birthday with your family?
Charisse: Having dinner with your family is something you do when you're young, not when you're turning 16. Besides, I have a date.
John: You can bring your date 'cause you're coming to dinner.
Charisse: Cool! Eric, these are my parents and my little sister. They're joining us on our date.
John: No, he's gonna be joining us at a family event. We have it every year. I don't even know why-- [finds Charisse's report card] What's this?
Charisse: Dad, that's private.
John: I can see why it's private. it's embarrassing. You got two C's and a D.
Charisse: Embarrassing? [chuckles] Dad, you are the last person who should talk about anything being embarrassing.
John: What are you talking about? What's that supposed to mean?
[Drunk Monkey screeches, hiccups]
John: I'm supposed to stop helping the animals because you find it embarrassing?
Charisse: That's not gonna happen.
John: That's right. It's not gonna happen. So forget about it. You're coming to dinner. Look at this. No cell phone for a week.
Charisse: What am I supposed to do without my cell phone?
John: Here's some stamps. Learn how to write a letter. You think I care? Do I look like I care? Look at me. No, Charisse.
Charisse: No.
John: Look at me. Do I look like I care? Look. I don't care.

View Quote Maya: Say, "Maya."
Lucky: Maya.
Maya: Maya.
Lucky: Maya.
Charisse: What do you think you're doing?
Maya: I think he's about to say something.
Lucky: Bring me a bone.
Pepito: And a large order of flies. Super-sized.
Lucky: You will bring me ham, luncheon meats, cold cuts.
Charisse: Lucky, out.
John: Hey. Maya, can I talk to Charisse alone for a second?
Maya: Okay. Come on, boy.
John: [sighs] Charisse, look, I'm sorry about tonight. I'm thinking about cutting back a bit and spending more time with you guys.
Charisse: Great, now more animals will be here.
John: What if we don't stay here? We can go on a big vacation to Europe, the whole family.
Charisse: Are you serious?
John: I'm dead serious. We can go to Paris, Rome, the Greek islands. We always talked about that. What do you think?
Charisse: Is this a bribe?
John: Yes, this is a bribe.
Charisse: It's working.
Joey: Yo, Doc, one thing...
John: Tomorrow!
Charisse: What?
John: Tomorrow.
Charisse: Tomorr...
John: Yeah. European vacation. Tomorrow-Tomorrow! We're going to Europe tomorrow.

View Quote Billy: [drunk] Man, why did I have so many drinks? I can't remember! What's today?
Frank: October?
Billy: [realizes] It's Nudie Magazine Day!!

View Quote Frank: Hey Billy, who would you rather bone? Meg Ryan or Jack Nicholson?
Billy: Jack Nicholson now or 1974?
Frank: '74.
Billy: Meg Ryan.
[Frank looks confused]

View Quote Frank: Well, this is great! When I graduated 1st grade all my dad did was tell me to get a job! Hey, you wanna feed that donkey some beer? Get it all messed up?
Billy: Maybe later.
Frank: I'll go put some beer in a bucket.
Billy: Okay.