Jacob quotes from Doctor Dolittle (1998)

And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver. I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you. You're a short... Hey, get outta there. You're in my landing space.

Man!

Rat #2

See if you land on your feet, road kill.

Why don't you bloodsucking vermin take a break, all right?

Rat #1

Mmm. Bloodsucking.

Look out below.

Hey, Lucky, come on.

Lucky

Come on what?

Come on. We gotta go up there.

Lucky

Are you crazy? That's a tiger.

I'm jumping now. Don't try and stop me.

Will you come on?

Lucky

Coming right up. One order of man, side of dog.

I need a drink.

Good-bye, cruel world. Oh, no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon. Ha. One of the few animals that enjoy that kind of thing.

Hi.

Hey, who are you?

I'm Dolittle.

Yeah, well, get out of here. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm gonna jump.

Hey, whoa, whoa. Take it easy now. Listen, I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help you.

I don't need a doctor. I need a miracle. I'm a train wreck. I have headaches, nausea. The worst thing is this double vision. Ah, what's the use? It's not like anybody cares about tigers anyway, you know.

Now stop, you're being silly. Listen, there have been lots and lots and lots of lovable tigers.

Yeah? Name one.

Lucky

How about Tony?

Tony the cereal tiger?

Lucky

What? I didn't hear you come up with anything.

Oh! Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III? [singing off-key] "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the da-da-da..." That one from Rocky III when Rocky was fighting Mr. T, couldn't beat Mr. T. Then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him. He went back and beat the snot out of Mr. T because of "Eye of the Tiger". Because of that song. It moved him inside. Not "Eye of the Moose", not "Eye of the Bull," "Eye of the Tiger".

That's it. I'm jumping.

No, no, no, don't jump--!

Rat #2

Just jump, ya big p****!

Rat #1

Come on, ya little scaredy cat!

Rat #2

I'll catch ya! Not! [laughs]

Didn't I say take a break?! [screams]

Rat #1

All right, Doc! Then you jump!

Why do you want to help me?

Because I'm the only one who can. I don't know, maybe it's my destiny. And maybe it's your destiny to be the one tiger that everybody remembers. Why else would I be here talking to you?

Cause the drunk monkey can't keep his mouth shut.

Are you gonna let me help?

What if you can't?

If I can't help, then you can eat me and Lucky.

Lucky

Yeah. Or just him.

Really? Will you take me back to the circus?

I will take you back to the circus.

All right. But don't think I wasn't gonna jump, because I was. Uhh! Sure hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.

Lucky

Good job, Doc. Although, you got to admit seeing a tiger jump five stories would've been really, really cool.

I heard that.

This is Dr. Fish.

Hello. Is this the author of Feline Illnesses and Diseases?

Yes, it is. You've read my book?

Have I read your book? I sleep with your book next to your bed. It's my bible.

Well, some people consider it the definitive work on cats, but bible? I... I... I... Well, no, I can... I can see your point.

Dr. Fish, I have a very ,very sick, very, very big cat. And I'm concerned that it might be something really serious because his vision's impaired, and he seems to be in a lot of pain.

Well, unfortunately, if it is in the head there's only two options. One is surgery, and the other is putting it down.

I have no idea how I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna try to take care of you. I promise.

Just hurry back. Every minute you're gone, I'm one minute closer to death. I just might hang myself by my underpants! I can get underpants! Not really.

He's not coming back. I can't believe I fell for it. Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy.

Lucky

Man, you don't look so good.

Yeah, look who's talking. What do the three of you know?

Lucky

Uh-oh.

I'm in bad shape. Ow, my head.

Psst! Wake up!

Oh! Hey, Doc. You came back.

You need help. I want you to take some for tests.

Tests? That's good, right? Tests?

Yeah. Come on.

Ohh, I hate these stairs.

Take good care of him, Doc. He's our star.

He'll be okay.

Oh, great. More steps.

Come on. Get in.

Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front?

Lucky

Hey, could you stop looking at me like I'm a side dish?

Oh, don't flatter yourself.

Now, you two guys shut up. Quiet.

Hey, look. Jerry!

Can you keep your voice down?

He's a big fan. Hey, Jerry! How you doing, dude? Just going for some tests.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm fine! "The tiger's fine." I'm not sick.

Stop the car!

Male Pigeon

I told you they'd get away.

Female Pigeon

No thanks to you.

Male Pigeon

No thanks to me? Three armed guards versus a pigeon? That's a fair fight?

This is where you work?

Come on.

Oh!

Rat #1

Don't throw that away. That's the marrow. It's the best part of the bone.

Rat #2

Look who's here.

Rat #1

Well, if it isn't Siegfried and Roy.

Keep it quiet. Lucky, keep an eye out. You rats help him.

Rat #1

Hey, we don't work for you.

Give me a break. I saved your life.

Rat #1

That's yesterday's news. Take a hike.

Rat #1

You want gratitude? Get a hamster.

Rat #2

"Get a hamster." You kill me! Get a hamster!

Lucky

I gotta get help.

Yeah, I got a plate I.D. on the catnapper.

Female Pigeon

Do something!

Male Pigeon

The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk.

Female Pigeon

A chicken hawk!

Male Pigeon

The heart of a hawk! Aah!

Female Pigeon

Oh.

Rodney

I Feel good! Na, na, na, na. Like I knew that I would! That feels good. Ohh!

Gene

I enjoy my personal relationships with my patients.

Mark

You'll get over that.

I just might not.

Mark

I'm joking.

He's got to get Gerry with the program.

Mark

Gene. He's the kind of guy who'd rather be trudging through the snow with his little black bag...

Jeremy and Mark

making house calls.

Mark

Exactly. It's kind of adorable really--Ow!

That hurt me.

Gene

Oh, my gosh. I'm sorry.

Mark

I may have broken my nose.

Gene

I think I broke his nose.

Mark

Is it broken?

Gene

Let me check. Oh, my God! I broke his nose. Let me take him to X-ray.

Mark

I'm blacking out. I'm blacking out.

Rodney

THAAAAT FEEEEELS GOOOOOD!

Mark

Ow. Geno, this really hurts. I really think...

Gene

Yeah, it's hurts. Of course it hurts. You walked right into a door. Your septum is completely crushed.

Mark

Oh, God, I'm bleeding. I'm bleeding. Do we have any morphine in the vault?

Hey, guys.

Mark

John.

What happened to you?

Mark

I walked into a door.

Gene

I crushed his septum.

Oh, Really? Look, guys, this is not really a good time. I'm kind of here with somebody.

Gene

Oh, my God, John.

Mark

What?

Gene

I-I-I do not approve. Lisa is a wonderful woman.

Mark

Jesus.

It's okay, guys.

Mark

It's a frigging tiger, man.

Its all right. He going to hurt you. I know him.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. Oh, my goodness. I have to sit.

Mark

Here's what we're going to do. We going to go tell Johnny that we're gonna fix his little tiger up after he signs. Okay? Then we have him committed. We have him committed. He's going to happy acres. It's perfect. That way, we'll get our money.

Gene

Aah!

It's look likes it's shifted to the left. That's means there's something applying pressure to it, Gene.

Gene

But, John, you can't operate on a tiger. Especially when you don't know his symptoms are.

Double vision and chronic headaches. He told me so.

Gene

John, you're going to wind up back at Hammersmith's. I think I've seen very supportive of you, but if you expect me to believe that a tiger told you his symptoms are, I just think I might have to draw the line.

You have to do something. Quick.

We got to get him into O.R. fast. It's the only chance he's got, Gene.

Gene

What about the press conference?

20 bucks says this guy never shows.

Watch your back, everybody. Trying to get to the operating room. Clear the way, please.

Calloway

Outta the way, please. Outta the way.

Clear a spot. We have an emergency here. Ladies and gentlemen, please. Clear the way, please. Coming through. Coming through.

Calloway

There you are. Let's do this.

Uh, Mr. Calloway, Mark broke his nose.

Calloway

The nose can wait. The press is waiting.

Gene

I-I-I-I...

Calloway

Come on, partners. We're announcing.

I really don't know if we should leave Mark with his nose...

Calloway

Come on.

Lisa

Where were you? I'll explain.

Calloway

Thank you all for coming, and thank you all for being so patient. As you all know, the practice of medicine and the business of medicine have been undergoing very big changes in this country. We at Calnet strive to be at the forefront of these changes. That is why I'm proud to announce the acquisition of one of San Francisco's...

Rodney

This is the life! Hot wings, nuts. I love nuts.

Oh, my. Live prey.

Rodney

Uh-oh.

Rodney

That's a big cat.

It's all right. It's okay. It's all right. It's okay. He's not gonna hurt anybody. He's just a very, very sick tiger.

Calloway

You'd better have a rational explanation for all this.

You know, Mr. Calloway, I don't have a rational explanation for this. I wish I did, but I don't. Right now, I got a really sick tiger on my hands. I'm going to go back and try to save it. That's the only all that matters.

Calloway

Dolittle, you go through with this...

So if you'll excuse me.

Rodney

Stupid cat. Ruined the party.

Shut up.

Rodney

What do you mean, shut up? I was gonna do karaoke.

What the hell is this?

No more bacon. No more chops.

Lucky

One, two, three, four. You ain't getting through this door. No justice, no peace.

Make love, not war.

Lucky

Fur is murder. Free Willy.

Male Pigeon

Pigs go home. Pigs go home. Pigs go home.

Hmm?

Male Pigeon

No, no, not you. The police.

Female Pigeon

Wow, this is great. Are you okay?

Male Pigeon

The man's coming down hard, but we're holding strong.

Female Pigeon

Oh, I got such a chill.

Male Pigeon

Really?

Female Pigeon

Really.

I'm gonna give you a local. It's not gonna hurt. It'll feel like a little bee sting.

Ohh.

A little pressure. That's about it. Okay? Here I come.

Ohh.

Okay.

Lisa

He can't do this. He still thinks he can talk to animals.

Archer

He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals. It all started when he was a kid. I didn't know what to do.

Lisa

What are you saying, Dad?

Archer

I thought it was a handicap, but it's a gift, Lisa. Don't you believe it? Look, look, look. See for yourself.

I need you to stay alert and tell me if you feel any numbness in your paws or on down your right side.

Have you ever done this operation before?

Oh, yeah, once in medical school, but it was to a cadaver. But my professor told me I did such good job that had my patient not been dead, he would've lived.

Very comforting, Doc.

Okay.

It's like Noah's ark out here. It truly is a remarkable sight. This odd collection of animals has actually prevented San Francisco's finest from entering the building. Which is apparently where the stolen tiger is being held.

Okay, we're open. Gene, irrigate, please. All right, Jake, I need you to be alert. Tell me if you feel anything at all. Can you feel anything now?

No. Just the same old pain.

How about now? You feeling any numbness at all?

I... I can't. I don't know.

Just relax and listen to the sound of my voice, okay?

I'm scared.

Don't be scared. I'm not gonna let you go.

Lisa

John? What did he say?

He said he's a little scared.

Ow. Ohh. Mmm.

Gene

Pulse is dropping fast.

His dura is bulging. There's too much pressure.

Uh-oh. My left side went numb.

Gene

Pulse still dropping.

Okay, all right. Hey, you just hang in there, okay, Jacob? Hang in there for me.

Okay, Doc.

It's a blood clot. It has to be. All I gotta do is find it. We're too close to his motor strip. A little more suction, Gene. I got to be able to see.

Gene

We're losing him. We got to relieve pressure.

Lisa

Come on, Jake.

Don't let go yet. We're almost there, all right? We're almost there.

I can feel it. There. That's it.

There? Okay. Okay, here we go.

It's gone. The pain is gone.

Gene

Blood pressure stabilising.

It's gone. It's really gone.

He's okay.

Lucky

Yeah, Doc!

Thank you.

You are very welcome. You just lay back and relax. We're gonna have you back in the center ring in no time.

Rodney

Hey, Doc! Why'd you go and do that? If he tries to eat me again, I'm going to smack that mustache off your face.