[ringing tone]
Come on. Pick up the phone. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
Hello, Sam! How are you? Hi! It's John Dolittle.
Hey, how you doing? Nice to talk to you. So, enjoying your summer?
S Sam
Jeez, it's really late, John. It's one o'clock in the morning.
Is it really one o'clock in the morning? Wow! I didn't realise it was that late. I'm sorry. I'm on my way into town. I was wondering if you wanted to get together for a drink or a CAT scan or something.
S Sam
A CAT scan? Can it wait until morning?
IL "I Love You" Dog
I love you.
No, I have to come right now.
[tires screech, car alarm chirps]
What's your problem?
Rat #2 Your face.
I'll hit you so hard, you'll see ten more of me.
Rat #2 It already smells like ten more of you so just bring it on, cheese-eater. Come on. Bring it on. I'll tear you to pieces. I'll claw you.
Man, you are tempting fate now, buddy.
Rat #2 Right here, fat boy. Put it right here. I'll murderise you.
Stick 'em up, stick 'em up, you little rat.
Rat #2 Hey, come here, you gerbil. Ow!
Hey, what are you looking at?
Yeah, you. Who else, buddy?
I'm looking at a couple of greasy rats fighting over garbage.
Rat #2 Come here and say that, you four-eyed dufus biped! I'll get bubonic on your a**. Come here. Come as you are.
Oh, really? What if I take that light bulb there, put it between your butt cheeks and make a rodent lamp out of you?
[rats squeaking]
How about that, huh? How about that? Let me tell you something. I'm a human. I'm a human. Hey, i'm sorry. Sam, how are you? How are you? Thanks for coming down, Sam. Thanks for coming down.
S Sam
[rats snickering]
There's no abnormalities of any kind.
S Sam
Why are you hearing animal voices?
Exactly. Why do I think I'm hearing animal voices if everything is fine? I tell you, Sam, I don't want to wind up like one of these street guys, talking to myself with dirt under my fingernails and stinking with my hair all matted. It's not a cool look.
S Sam
Have you been under any unusual stress lately?
Not really. I got the Calnet thing. My wife's been giving me a hard time about that, but that can't be it.
S Sam
No, that's small potatoes.
I did hit a dog the other day.
Hey, Sam, make me feel worse, huh?
S Sam
Well, I'm sorry, but a little doggie?
The dog was fine. It got up and ran off.
He felt well enough to scream out bonehead before he left.
S Sam
John, the dog couldn't have spoken to you.
Well, Sam, with all due respect...
S Sam
No, John. The dog did not speak to you.
Maybe you're right. I'm sorry I woke you up for this. Thanks, Sam.
And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver. I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you. You're a short... Hey, get outta there. You're in my landing space.
Rat #2 See if you land on your feet, road kill.
Why don't you bloodsucking vermin take a break, all right?
Come on. We gotta go up there.
Are you crazy? That's a tiger.
I'm jumping now. Don't try and stop me.
Coming right up. One order of man, side of dog.
Good-bye, cruel world. Oh, no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon. Ha. One of the few animals that enjoy that kind of thing.
Yeah, well, get out of here. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm gonna jump.
Hey, whoa, whoa. Take it easy now. Listen, I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help you.
I don't need a doctor. I need a miracle. I'm a train wreck. I have headaches, nausea. The worst thing is this double vision. Ah, what's the use? It's not like anybody cares about tigers anyway, you know.
Now stop, you're being silly. Listen, there have been lots and lots and lots of lovable tigers.
[short silence]
How about Tony?
What? I didn't hear you come up with anything.
[snaps his fingers and claps]
Oh! Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger" from Rocky III? [singing off-key] "It's the eye of the tiger, it's the da-da-da..." That one from Rocky III when Rocky was fighting Mr. T, couldn't beat Mr. T. Then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him. He went back and beat the snot out of Mr. T because of "Eye of the Tiger". Because of that song. It moved him inside. Not "Eye of the Moose", not "Eye of the Bull," "Eye of the Tiger".
No, no, no, don't jump--!
Rat #2 [from the ground]
Just jump, ya big p****!
Come on, ya little scaredy cat!
Rat #2 I'll catch ya! Not! [laughs]
Didn't I say take a break?! [screams]
All right, Doc! Then you jump!
[rats laughing]
Why do you want to help me?
Because I'm the only one who can. I don't know, maybe it's my destiny. And maybe it's your destiny to be the one tiger that everybody remembers. Why else would I be here talking to you?
Cause the drunk monkey can't keep his mouth shut.
Are you gonna let me help?
If I can't help, then you can eat me and Lucky.
Really? Will you take me back to the circus?
I will take you back to the circus.
All right. But don't think I wasn't gonna jump, because I was. Uhh! Sure hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.
Good job, Doc. Although, you got to admit seeing a tiger jump five stories would've been really, really cool.
Rat #2 Oh, Doc! Doc! Help me! You gotta help me. He's dead. He's laying there dead. You gotta help me.
Rat #2 Oh, no, no, don't go, buddy, old pal, friend of mine. You got to help him.
Rat #2 Why, Cause... cause... cause you're the man. You're the man!
Oh, I'm the man now. I thought I was the guy the other day that you wanted to get bubonic on.
I'm going towards the light now.
Rat #2 I was kidding. You and I were riffing, Doctor. Serious? Come on!
Good-bye, world. I smell flowers.
Rat #2 I'm begging you. Don't let him die. Don't let my buddy go.
Where the hell have you been?
I had an emergency. Excuse me. Sorry.
Rat #2 Hang in there, brother.
Does it hurt when I do this?
It ain't no day at the dump.
Rat #2 If he dies... [sniffles] I don't know what I'll do.
He'll drag me outside and eat me.
Rat #2 Only out of respect.
[rats squeaking]
Guys, you want to be quiet? I can't hear while you're talking.
Rat #2 Sorry, Doc.
Rat #2 Uh-oh.
He said he was suffering from severe abdominal cramps.
You know I wouldn't be working on this rat unless it was an emergency. Come take a look for yourself.
Rat #2 What happened, Doc?
I think he's gone into arrest.
Rat #2 What?
Rat #2 Oh, my God! He's a goner! He's a goner!
Rat #2 He's not breathing.
Hey, Mark, maybe we should shock him, huh?
The paddles will be too big. Come on. We have to give him C.P.R. You know how to do C.P.R?
Rat #2 C.P.R? I can't even spell it.
Rat #2 Oh, I can't even look. Doc! Doc, no!
Rat #2 Ohh, for God's sakes. You didn't even wine him or dine him, Doc. No, Doc, Doc. I think my friend would rather die. He rather die.
Rat #2 No tongue, Doc. Eee!
Pfft pfft! Come on, come on.
Rat #2 Oh, Doc, do something.
Lisa, not now! I'm trying to save somebody here!
[passes gas]
I'm hungry. [passes gas]
Rat #2 A false alarm!
There's nothing wrong with him. He just has gas.
Rat #2 Whoa, you're telling me!
Rat #2 Ha, ha. You're back. He's got gas. I don't care if you stink. I love you, pal.
Thanks a lot, little buddy. I felt your presence.
Lisa, stop looking at me like that.
Don't throw that away. That's the marrow. It's the best part of the bone.
Rat #2 Look who's here.
Well, if it isn't Siegfried and Roy.
Keep it quiet. Lucky, keep an eye out. You rats help him.
Hey, we don't work for you.
Give me a break. I saved your life.
That's yesterday's news. Take a hike.
[rats laughing]
You want gratitude? Get a hamster.
Rat #2 "Get a hamster." You kill me! Get a hamster!
P Policeman
Yeah, I got a plate I.D. on the catnapper.
The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk.
The heart of a hawk! Aah!
[sings]
I Feel good! Na, na, na, na. Like I knew that I would! That feels good. Ohh!
[last lines]
Hey, Doc, wait up. So, you're going to treat both humans and animals? I love it.
Yeah, well, it's no big thing. We're all basically the same, you know?
My thoughts exactly. Okay, first, I want to move my bowl up on the dining-room table. Second, no more dog food. That stuff's just gross. I want my own room, with a TV. Basic cable will be fine.
I hate stories with happy endings.
Rat #2 I didn't say nothing.
Rat #2 Aah! Run! Run for your lives! Oh, my God!
Rat #2 I don't want to die! I'm too young to die!
Hang a left. No, hang a right. Look out for the traffic!
Rat #2 Oh, legs, do your thing. Out of my way.
This circle of life really stinks!
[Rat #2 screams]
