Why do dogs sniff each other's butts?
Well, this is kinda our way of shaking hands. If you really wanna get a sense of who somebody really is, you gotta sniff their butt.
Archer Son! Stop talking to the dog. She doesn't understand a word that you're saying.
Leave this boy, devil man. Go now, Satan. Take the serpent's voices with you. I command you to come out of this boy! Come on out of this boy! God said it! Come on!
Archer You'll make some real friends now.
From that day on, John Dolittle never spoke to animals again.
Archer Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.
Can I tell you a secret?
Archer Yeah, sure.
When Mommy told me what happened to Daddy, I wasn't afraid, I was happy because I believed that he could talk to animals. I want Dad to be weird, just like me. Is that wrong?
Archer No. No, it's not wrong.
Sometimes I don't think he likes me very much.
Archer Honey, he loves you.
I know he loves me, but I don't think he likes me and I want him to. I gonna try to do things his way, Grandpa, and stop doing these stupid experiments.
Why on earth would a guy go into a line of work like that?
All right. That's it for you. Hit the road. Get out of here.
What? But I'm your pet.
You are not my pet. If I were gonna get a pet, I wouldn't get one as annoying as you. Now get out. Go.
Hey, hey, don't worry about it. You sprung me from the joint, you fixed me up, I'm thankful.
Yeah. Just go.
Don't worry about me. I'll just be going down the road, disappearing without a trace. I hope a car doesn't hit me. Oh, well, one less dog.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, baby. How you doing?
Am I gonna see you before I go to camp?
Honey, I'm really working on it.
Ruff! Ruff!
Get out of here. Go.
Ruff!
Daddy, is that a dog?
Yeah, that's a dog.
Ruff!
Mommy, guess what. Daddy got me a dog.
No, no, no, no. Daddy, didn't...
Hey. Is that what you've been up to, you sneak?
You caught me.
Ruff! Choo! What? I have allergies.
Yeah, I guess we'll see you at camp.
Ruff! Ruff!
Grandpa, Daddy got me a dog! He got me a dog. Can you believe it? My own dog.
Archer My own?
Archer Does he do aerobics?
Yeah, the guinea pig aerobics.
Let's get this show on the road. Hey, hey, put that thing away. We don't have time. You're gonna get your dress dirty. Pop, will you help out, please? I can't be late for this.
But Rodney wants to come.
Absolutely not. Rodney cannot come. This is a press conference for people. No animals allowed. No Rodney, no way.
Why don't you tell him he can't home? He'll listen to you.
No, I am not going to tell him he can't come. Help out. Come on, Pops.
Can I tell you a secret?
Archer Yeah, sure.
When Mommy told me what happened to Daddy, I wasn't afraid, I was happy, because I believed that he could talk to animals. I want Dad to be weird, just like me. Is that wrong?
Archer No. No, it's not wrong.
It's just sometimes, I don't think he likes me very much.
Archer Honey, he loves you.
I know he loves me, but I don't think he likes me. And I really want him to. I'm gonna try to do things his way, Grandpa, and stop doing these stupid experiments.
Archer No, Maya. Don't stop your experiments. Sometimes... daddies are the ones who need to change. [looks pointedly at John]
What the hell is this?
No more bacon. No more chops.
One, two, three, four. You ain't getting through this door. No justice, no peace.
Make love, not war.
Fur is murder. Free Willy.
Pigs go home. Pigs go home. Pigs go home.
Hmm?
No, no, not you. The police.
Wow, this is great. Are you okay?
The man's coming down hard, but we're holding strong.
Oh, I got such a chill.
Really?
Really.
I'm gonna give you a local. It's not gonna hurt. It'll feel like a little bee sting.
Ohh.
A little pressure. That's about it. Okay? Here I come.
Okay.
He can't do this. He still thinks he can talk to animals.
Archer He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals. It all started when he was a kid. I didn't know what to do.
What are you saying, Dad?
Archer I thought it was a handicap, but it's a gift, Lisa. Don't you believe it? Look, look, look. See for yourself.
I need you to stay alert and tell me if you feel any numbness in your paws or on down your right side.
Have you ever done this operation before?
Oh, yeah, once in medical school, but it was to a cadaver. But my professor told me I did such good job that had my patient not been dead, he would've lived.
Very comforting, Doc.
Okay.
It's like Noah's ark out here. It truly is a remarkable sight. This odd collection of animals has actually prevented San Francisco's finest from entering the building. Which is apparently where the stolen tiger is being held.
Lucky
Norm Macdonald
Lisa
Kristen Wilson
Rodney
Chris Rock
Mark
Oliver Platt
Maya
Kyla Pratt
Jacob
Gene
Richard Schiff
Male Pigeon
Garry Shandling
Rat #1
Reni Santoni
Rat #2
John Leguizamo
Drunk Monkey
Female Pigeon
Julie Kavner
Calloway
Peter Boyle
Charisse
Raven-Symoné
Woman
Beth Grant
Blaine
Paul Giamatti
Man
Mrs. Parkus
Cherie Franklin
Owl
Jenna Elfman
