Steve Martin movie quotes

View Quote I knew I'd never be able to remember what Nina wore that day. But I also knew I'd never forget the way she looked.

View Quote Right then I realized, my day had passed. She'll always love me, of course, but not in the same way. I was no longer the man in my little girl's life. I was like an old shoe. The kind we manufacture and get all excited about, then after a few years discontinue. That was me now. Mr. Discontinued.

View Quote I was beginning to feel like I was having an out of body experience. I had to get out of the house, and fast. Nina said as long as I was escaping would I mind escaping to the market and picking up something for dinner. Sure. That was all I needed. A busy supermarket. I needed to drive, mellow out, get my mind off the wedding. But mellowing out was not in the cards.

View Quote (On the phone trying to get a babysitter) How many? Well, when you get over here we can just count 'em up! (Next call) How many kids do I have? Twelve. But one doesn't live with me, and one you never see 'cause he's so mad! (Next call) Just... just... just twelve. (Next call) Hello! I'll just hang up on myself.

View Quote If I screw up raising my kids, nothing I achieve will matter much.

View Quote You have a dark gift, Sarah Baker.

View Quote [calling the restaurant] Hello, L'Idiot? Yes, I'd like to make reservations for two for Friday. Saturday? Sunday? Ah good. Eight-thirty. Five-thirty or ten-thirty? Um, five-thirty. Visa... I'm a weatherman... yes, I'm on TV! Renting... I just sold a condo... yes, in this "soft market"... well, I don't see how that's any of your... the low fifties.

View Quote Sitting there at that moment I thought of something else Shakespeare said. He said, "Hey... life is pretty stupid; with lots of hubbub to keep you busy, but really not amounting to much." Of course I'm paraphrasing: "Life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

View Quote Forget for this moment the smog and the cars and the restaurant and the skating and remember only this. A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

View Quote Good luck. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and get rid of it. Bye Grandma!

View Quote Good Lord - I've heard about this - cat juggling! Stop! Stop! Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! Good. Father, could there be a God that would let this happen?

View Quote The new phonebook's here, the new phonebook's here!

View Quote (To summon the invisible swordsman) Farly Farly Farly Farly Farly, Afaaaaarrr

View Quote Are you the singing bush?

View Quote A car! A big, shiny silver car!

View Quote [After Edwina has called him a 'peasant'] Listen, lady. Just because my grandfather didn't rape the environment and exploit the workers doesn't make me a peasant. And it's not that he didn't want to rape the environment and exploit the workers; I'm sure he did. It's just that as a barber, he didn't have that much opportunity.

View Quote [To his dog] Don't look at me like that. I'm not going in there as a messenger boy; I'm a trained legal advisor. No more being looked down on by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich. From now on, I'm gonna be respected... by people who think they're better than I am because they're rich.

View Quote Is everyone here bananas?

View Quote That Boov has made his final mistake.

View Quote No, no no. He is not a super Boov. There's only one Super Boov and you know who that is; you're looking at him. I invented running away and look at this, I have the Shusher. I am your captain [Oh: But you are not good captain]

View Quote Oh big deal!, i had enough!, SHUSH! [he raises the Shusher and prepares to hit Oh, but Kyle grabs the Shusher] [Kyle: That...is enough...shushing]

View Quote [from trailer]
Kate Baker: Honey, you actually bought that shirt?
Tom: Hey, every dad is entitled to one hideous shirt, and one horrible sweater. It's part of the dad code.

View Quote Tom: All right. From now on, no seeing the Murtaughs, no talking to the Murtaughs, no thinking about the Murtaughs!
Sarah: Can't we just compete and still like, see them?
Tom: No! Right now, I am not a father, I am a coach. And we're gonna be training twice a day, every day, starting outside in 10 minutes. No later.

View Quote Tom: [to his newborn grandson] Tom. Hey, Tom. Welcome to family.

View Quote [Grabbing an expensive vase during a marital spat] Our marriage lies broken on the floor, like the shards of glass on our honeymoon suite! [He slams the vase to the ground, but it bounces back up into his hands.] Ahhh! Oh-ho! 19th-Century Indian rubber vase, eh?!

View Quote [After Dolores finally consummates her marriage to Dr. Hfuhruhurr…] I never knew it could be like that! [sighs] So… so… professional!

View Quote Dr. Hfuhruhurr: The only time we doctors should accept death is when it's caused by our own incompetence!
Dr. Necessiter: Nonsense! If the murder of twelve innocent people can help save one human life, it will have been worth it!

View Quote A woman is like an artichoke. You have to do some work before you get to her heart.

View Quote Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Remain calm, do not turn around.
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006: Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [Turns around and panics] Oh my God! Ze Gas Mask Bandits!

View Quote 006: Boswell. Nigel Boswell. Agent 006. Do you know what that means?
Clouseau: Yes. It means you are one short of the big-time.

View Quote Kenji: Have we decided on lunch?
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I'm sure you'll be wanting sushi, my little yellow friend!

View Quote Insp. Jacques Clouseau: Let me bring you up to speed... We know nothing. You are now up to speed.

View Quote Insp. Jacques Clouseau: I am now leaving France. This is a bad idea.
TV Announcer: The legendary Pink Panther diamond has been stolen.
Insp. Jacques Clouseau: What'd I tell you?

View Quote I've got culture coming out of my ass.

View Quote [in a childlike voice] Oh, Lawrence! This is the happiest day of my life! I think my testicles are dropping!

View Quote Freddy Benson: [omitted from the profit distribution] Excuse me. What about me? What do I get?
Lawrence Jamieson: You are the student. You get knowledge.

View Quote Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.

View Quote I'm a problem solver, with a heart of gold.

View Quote Good people, bad people, they generally look like what they are.

View Quote Oh, irony! Oh no, we don't get that here. See, people ski topless here while smoking dope, so irony's not really a high priority. We haven't had any irony here since about '83, when I was the only practitioner of it. And I stopped because I was tired of being stared at.

View Quote I have a dream. It's not a big dream, it's just a little dream. My dream -- and I hope you don't find this too crazy -- is that I would like the people of this community to feel that if, God forbid, there were a fire, calling the fire department would actually be a wise thing to do. You can't have people, if their houses are burning down, saying, 'Whatever you do, don't call the fire department!' That would be bad.

View Quote Ralston: Man, whatever you do, don't stare.
Chris McConnell:: Look, I'm not gonna stare, come on.
Jerry: None of us would. But you get there, and you feel yourself not staring.
Ralston: Then you think, "it's obvious I'm not staring." So you look, and you think, "I'm staring." So you say, "this is ridiculous," and you take a GOOD LOOK. And you think, "I'm looking at a man who, when he washes his face, loses the bar of soap." [laughs]
Chris McConnell: Thanks guys, all right.
Ralston: Don't say we didn't warn you.
Dixie: Hey, what about your boyfriend? What was his name?
Roxanne Kowalski: Richard.
Dixie: When's he coming?
Roxanne Kowalski: He's not. He's not coming.
Dixie: What happened?
Roxanne Kowalski: We just ran out of gas. I guess I mistook sex for love.
Sandy: Oh, I did that once. It was great.
C.D. Bales: Let's take a look at that letter...
Chris McConnell: I think it's really good!
C.D. Bales: "Dear Roxanne, how's it going? Want to have a drink sometime? If you do, check this box."
C.D. Bales: You must know about M31.
Roxanne Kowalski: Yeah.
C.D. Bales: Now, see, I like it when they give astronomical objects names, you know, like "Andromeda" and "Saturn" and "Sea of Tranquility." This whole numbering thing is just too boring for us civilians.
Roxanne Kowalski: Do you know how many objects are up there?
C.D. Bales: Well, I know it's over fifty.
[to two drunks that have just made fun of his nose]
C.D. Bales: I really admire your shoes.
Drunk #1: What?
C.D. Bales: I love your shoes.
Drunk #2: What do ya mean?
C.D. Bales: And I was just thinking: as much as I really admire your shoes, and as much as I'd love to have a pair just like them, I really wouldn't want to be IN your shoes at this particular time and place.

View Quote Hotep: Oh, that's pretty.

View Quote Hotep: So you think you've got friends in high places, with the power to put us on the run. [he vanishes]
Huy: Well, forgive us these smiles on our faces. You'll know what power is when we are done, son...

View Quote [After Rameses and Moses have wrecked the statues]
Seti: Why do the gods torment me with such reckless, destructive, blasphemous sons?
Rameses: Father, hear what I say...
Seti: Be still, Pharaoh speaks. I seek to build an empire, and your only goal is to amuse yourselves by tearing it down. Have I taught you nothing?
Hotep: You mustn't be so hard on yourself, Your Majesty. You're an excellent teacher.
Huy: It's not you fault your sons learned nothing.
Hotep: Well, they learned blasphemy.
Huy: True. [They both leave]
Moses: Father, the fault was mine: I goaded Rameses on, and so I am responsible.
Seti: Responsible. And do you know the meaning of that word, Rameses?
Rameses: I understand, Father.
Seti: And do you understand the task from which your birth has destined you? The ancient traditions: when I pass into the next world, then you will be the morning and the evening star.
Rameses: One damaged temple does not destroy centuries of tradition.
Seti: But one weak link can break the chain of a mighty dynasty!
[The Queen relieves him]
Seti: You have my leave to go.
Rameses: Father...
[The Queen stops him and he leaves, offended]
Moses: Father, you know it was really my fault. Must you be so hard on him?
Seti: Moses, you will never have to carry a burden like the crown I will pass to Rameses. He must not allow himself to be lead astray, not even by you, my son.
Moses: All he cares about is... is your approval. I know he will lift up to your expectations. He only needs the opportunity.
Seti: Maybe, maybe so. Go now, I shall see you both tonight.

View Quote ACME Chairman: [to a miserable Wile E. Coyote] My God, young man, what am I going to do with you?! You've done nothing but screw up! You've walked off of mesas! You've been smashed by boulders! You've been run over by diesel trucks! And don't blame the equipment! The equipment is good; it's ACME equipment. You're a coyote! Be wily! [calms down] All right, now...buck up and let's see a little smile.
[Wile E. smiles, briefly and unenthusiastically]
ACME Chairman: Little bigger.
[Wile E. gives a bigger one, this time holding it]
ACME Chairman: Little bigger.
[Wile E.'s smile spreads to a disproportionate size]
ACME Chairman: Oh, that's nice. Now, just go take a shower, and don't come back till you smell better!
[Wile E., now cheered up, heads upstairs]
ACME Chairman: [calling to him] But be careful! There's some men moving a safe up there, and I don't want you to--
[A cartoonish jet-engine, followed by a "crash" sound, is heard]
ACME Chairman: [pause] And be careful of the box of fireworks, because--
[Released fireworks are heard]
ACME Chairman: [pause] I suppose I should mention the plate-glass window--
[Shattering glass is heard]
ACME Chairman: [pause] It's tough being the boss.

View Quote ACME Chairman: Now, this, my friend, is the ACME Train of Death, which is not good news for your father.
Damian Drake: Don't worry about me, son. I've gotten out of worse scrapes than this one.
[Wile E. Coyote lights several sticks of dynamite around Damian]
ACME Chairman: You see, if the Train of Death doesn't kill him, then those crates of TNT will. Not to mention the 2-ton anvil hanging over his head. And— [sees a giant bladed pendulum swinging over Damian] Oh, look. There's the Pendulum of Doom. What's the Pendulum of Doom doing there?! I did not order the Pendulum of Doom! It's overkill! Get rid of it!
[Wile E. sheepishly pulls up the Pendulum of Doom]

View Quote ACME Chairman: [coming out] Are you all monkeys yet? [sees one of the laser beams that shot out of Daffy's nose coming right at him] Uh-oh! [the beam heads straight towards him, and then suddenly disappears in a flash of the beam]
[D.J., Kate, and Damian arrive to see a monkey with glasses, revealing to be the ACME Chairman in monkey form, next to Mary, who is sobbing]
Damian Drake: Checkmate, Mr. Chairman. [holding up tiny handcuffs the size of monkey hands] You're going down. [crouches down in front of monkey Chairman and starts putting the handcuffs on his wrists]

View Quote Here comes your ex-husband. Uh-oh, not the best time to be feeling groovy!

View Quote Adam: Jane?
Jane: Hi.
Adam: Did you get this high from one hit?
Jane: Yeeeaaaaaahhh!