006
Boswell. Nigel Boswell. Agent 006. Do you know what that means?
Clouseau
Yes. It means you are one short of the big-time.
The Pink Panther (2006) quotes
Clouseau
Clouseau
And you are?
Ponton
Gilbert Ponton. Detective, Second Class.
Clouseau
And what qualifications do you have for police work?
Ponton
My family has done police work in Paris for nine generations.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
We were policemen in the surrounding areas for two hundred years.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
Immigrants from various countries in Europe, all involved in police work.
Clouseau
And before zat?
Ponton
Farmers.
Clouseau
Mm. So you are a little lamb who has come to Clouseau for to learn. Gilbert Ponton, I vow to teach you everything I know about police work. And together, we are going to catch a killer.
Clouseau
You are the soccer player known as Bizu?!
Bizu
Yes.
Clouseau
You are acquainted with Yves Gluant?!
Bizu
I'm glad he's pushing up daisies.
Clouseau
'e is not pushing up daisies. 'e is dead!
Bizu
It's an idiom!
Clouseau
You, sir, are the idiom. Now, unless you want to spend ze rest of your life in prison, you will answer ze next question: did you kill him?!
Bizu
I would have loved to have killed him.
Clouseau
Duh!
Bizu
But, some lucky bastard beat me to it.
Clouseau
You disgust me! I'll be right back. [Clouseau leaves, closing the door behind him, but immediately opens it again.] Cigarette?
Bizu
No. Thanks.
Clouseau
Good for you. Bizu, I know you didn't do it. Someone else did, and they are trying to set you up.
Bizu
You'll help me?
Clouseau
Of course I'll help you. Now, do you have any idea who could have done this terrible thing?
Bizu
His partner in those stupid restaurants, Larocque.
Clouseau
Raymond Larocque, the casino owner!
Bizu
Gluant would steal money from the restaurants and use it to gamble. My guess is Larocque got fed up and had him killed.
Clouseau
Bizu, I like you. I am going to help you. You and I are going to make a great team.
Inspector Clouseau
[Clouseau leaves and gets ready to be the Bad Cop again.]
Ze good-cop, bad-cop routine is working perfectly!
Ponton
You know, usually, two different cops do that.
Inspector Clouseau
[Breaks down door to apartment]
You are under arrest for ze' murder of Pierre Fouquette! [Is pointing at a Basset hound]
Inspector Clouseau
[Breaks down door to next apartment]
You are under arrest for ze' murdur of Pierre Fouquette! [Is pointing at a baby]
Inspector Clouseau
[Breaks down door to next apartment]
You are under arrest for ze' murdur of Pierre Fouquette! [Is pointing at Pierre Fouquette, who is eating a meal] Pierre Fouquette?! Ze Case is closed!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
I would like to take a closer look at your bawls.
Larocque
My what?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Your bawls. Your big, brass bawls.
Larocque
Uh, sure.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
[starts to unzip pants] [Picks up brass bowl on table and examines it]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Without you, I would be nothing!
Dreyfus
Perhaps you still are.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Ha! Excellent verbal joust, inspector! We must do lunch sometime. Had it not been for you, who knows? Someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.
Dreyfus
[Grumbling as Clouseau gets in the car]
Yes, I know. Idiot. [Looks down] Oh no.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
What? What did you say?
Ponton
Nothing.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?
Ponton
No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Hmm.
Chief Inspector Dreyfus
[Chief Inspector Dreyfus seen screaming while his coat is stuck in the car door]
CLOUSEAU!
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006
It is very important that you remain calm and do not turn around.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Remain calm, do not turn around.
Nigel Boswell/Agent 006
Behind you in the casino are the Gas Mask Bandits.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
[Turns around and panics]
Oh my God! Ze Gas Mask Bandits!
Ponton
He was just found dead in a training facility locker room. Shot in the head.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
Was it fatal?
Ponton
Yes.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
How fatal?
Ponton
Um, completely.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
I want to speak to him now!
Ponton
[looking confused]
He's dead.
Vainqueur
[Clouseau and Ponton go to question the new head coach of the French national football team]
You wanted to see me?
Clouseau
You are Vainquer?
Vainqueur
Yes. And who are you?
Clouseau
I am Inspector Clouseau. Per'aps you 'ave 'eard of me.
Vainqueur
No.
Clouseau
[notices Ponton taking notes]
Don't write that down!
Vainqueur
What do you want?
Clouseau
I am told that Bizu hated Gluant.
Vainqueur
A lot of people hated Gluant.
Clouseau
Did you?
Vainqueur
I spent six years under his thumb, being verbally abused every day. Yes, I was not a fan of Yves Gluant.
Clouseau
And now 'e is dead... and you have his job. How ironic.
Vainqueur
Not every death is a tragedy.
Ponton
And, what was the-
Clouseau
Footsteps. Its a young woman. 30 to 35 years old. 5"2, 5"4. Brunette. And she is wearing high heels. Perhaps a bit too formal for the afternoon. She has on...[sniffs air] Chanel number 5. [The footsteps are shown to be those of Yuri, the team trainer].
Inspector Clouseau
Is anyone with you?
Yuri
No.
Inspector Clouseau
Do you have a pair of high 'eels in that bag?
Yuri
No.
Inspector Clouseau
Not even a small pair of pumps?
Yuri
No?
Inspector Clouseau
Who are you?
Yuri
I am Yuri, the trainer.
Inspector Clouseau
So what is it you do here, Yuri the trainer?
Yuri
I... train.
Inspector Clouseau
So you are Yuri the trainer who trains. humph. [turns away from Yuri, then suddenly turns and points at Yuri]
Inspector Clouseau
DO NOT LEAVE EUROPE!
Yuri
Bu-but I have to go to Asia.
Inspector Clouseau
Okay... DO NOT LEAVE EUROPE OR ASIA!
Yuri
And we have one match in Brazil.
Inspector Clouseau
Alright... DO NOT LEAVE EUROPE, ASIA, OR ZE AMERICAS!
Yuri
Okay.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau
A woman is like an artichoke. You have to do some work before you get to her heart.
Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus
Ah, Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name, Clouseau was just a little nobody. He was the village idiot, as far as I could tell. As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field. Clouseau generated many... many stories. Needless to say, Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever. I never thought for a moment that I would have any use for him, until that fateful day. It was a perfect day for a murder. France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals. I had been invited, as Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, and because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor. I have been nominated seven times. I have never won. But still, seven nominations. That's... something. Anyway, the Coach of the French team, Yves Gluant, came out for his customary ovation. On it: the Pink Panther diamond. It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team. Gluant's girlfriend at that time was Xania, the international pop star. They had been having quite a stormy affair. By the end of regulation time, the score was tied, and the game went into sudden death. For a patriotic fan and true Frenchman like myself, it was almost too thrilling to believe. And then... the miracle. And then, in front of a stadium filled with people, Gluant collapsed, dead, a poison dart in his neck. And the Pink Panther had disappeared.