Kevin Kline movie quotes

View Quote I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. [Grabs a tiny dagger, pauses.] But not with that.

View Quote You gave me loaded dice?

View Quote Take that, you big Tzekel-Kan cat creep!

View Quote Hello K-K-K-Ken's P-P-P-Pet's. Hey wake up, WAKE UP LIMEY FISH!!!

View Quote Well, Ken... I'm going to ask you some questions, while I eat my chips. First, who was the philosopher who developed the concept of the superman in Also sprach Zarathustra? No? That's a chip up the nose, I'm afraid.

View Quote I don't believe in jealousy. It's for the weak. One thing, though. Touch his dick and he's dead!

View Quote [to Quasimodo, when he refuses to leave the bell tower and warn Esmeralda] She stood up for you! You've got a funny way of showing gratitude. Well, I'm not gonna sit by and watch Frollo massacre innocent people. You do what you think is right.

View Quote [as Esmeralda pours wine on his wound] Aaaaagh! Yes! Mmmm. Feels like a 1470 burgundy. Not a good year.

View Quote [to Esmeralda] Permit me, I'm Phoebus. It means "Sun god".

View Quote You know the great thing, though, is that change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me.

View Quote I always thought of myself as a house. I was always what I lived in. It didn't need to be big. It didn't even need to be beautiful. It just needed to be mine. I became what I was meant to be. I built myself a life. I built myself a house.

View Quote I put a gun to my father's head once. Ever think like that? He was passed out. Had just been yelling at my mom over nothing. Under-cooked meat. I went to my room, I held the barrel right up to his ear, and then I chickened out again. Of course it was a BB gun but still it would have hurt like hell.

View Quote This is my Peter - uh, my friend Peter. We just met at the, uh, intersexual... homosection... INTERSECTION!

View Quote Class: so, uh, where were we? Romantic poetry. Shakespeare. Talented. English. Dead.

View Quote I just came out! At my wedding!

View Quote She's great. She's really exotic. She's a princess. She's Polynesian — well, half Polynesian, and half American. She's... Amnesian.

View Quote [singing in the shower] Hail to the chief / He's the one we all say "Hail" to. / We all say "Hail" / 'Cause he keeps himself so clean! / He's got the power, / That's why he's in the shower...

View Quote Dave: I don't want to tell some eight-year-old kid he's gotta sleep in the street because we want people to feel better about their car. Do you want to tell them that?
Secretary of Commerce: No, sir. No, I sure don't.

View Quote [about Sophie] When I first met this one here, she was a rag and a bone and a hank of hair. And that was a whole year-and-a-half after the Russians had liberated the camp she was in.

View Quote This toast is in honor of my disassociation of you two creeps. Disassociation from you, coony captive **** of King's county. And you, the dreary dregs of Dixie.

View Quote Nathan: Don't you see, Sophie? We're dying.

View Quote Pirate King: Do you mean that in order to save his own contemptible life... he dared to impress upon our credulous simplicity?!?

View Quote The Pirate King: With base deceit, you played upon our feelings; / Revenge is sweet, and flavors all our dealings. / With courage rare, and resolution manly, / For death prepare, unhappy General Stanley!

View Quote [As the term of his apprenticeship expires, Frederic tries to advise his erstwhile crewmates.]
Frederic: You make it a point of never attacking a weaker party than yourselves, and when you attack a stronger one you invariably get thrashed!
[The indignant pirates mutter and advance on him.]
The Pirate King: (holding up a finger) There's some truth in that.

View Quote Ariel Maloney: New boy in town?
Jeffrey Anderson: Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.
Ariel Maloney: They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime.

View Quote [Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer]
Celeste Talbert: [as Maggie] Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] This guy never heard of contact lenses?
Jeffrey Anderson: The test results have come back.
Celeste Talbert: And?
Jeffrey Anderson: And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... [pause] Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White: What the hell?
David Barnes: [offstage] Brain fever!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, loudly] Say it!
Celeste Talbert: Brain fever!
Jeffrey Anderson: [as Dr. Randall] Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... [they both goggle at the word] Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Celeste Talbert: Literally explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: Exactly, within the next three houses.
Celeste Talbert: Hours?
Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Celeste Talbert: Restaurant?
Jeffrey Anderson: Restaurant, yes.
Celeste Talbert: Her brain will actually explode?
Jeffrey Anderson: Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.

View Quote Montana Moorehead: [as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
Jeffrey Anderson: I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage, delighted] This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!
[Ariel and Rose enter as doctors]
Jeffrey Anderson: Doctor!
Ariel Maloney: A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
Rose Schwartz: [German accent] Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead, because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo]
Rose Schwartz: [normal voice] Hello.
Montana Moorehead: [shouts and runs off] NO! NO! NO!
Edmund Edwards: [offstage] She's a boy!
[long, incredulous pause]
David Barnes: Yeah, well we knew that. [starts gagging]
Edmund Edwards: Are you okay?
David Barnes: [weak voice] I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

View Quote Wait a minute. A string of robberies begins the moment the circus comes to town? Coincidence? I don't think so.

View Quote I'll let you get back to yourself.

View Quote Zephyr, stay close. I don't want to lose you.

View Quote Andre: [throws pieces of cauliflower] Cauliflower?
Baldo: Perfect. Yes, it's about time.
Andre: Celery?
Baldo: Good.
Despereaux: Hello! Down here! [ignored] The princess is in danger! Look down here! [still ignored, finds a needle]
Baldo: [offscreen] Not too much.
Andre: [offscreen] Fantastique. [sniffs]
Baldo: Bellissima.
Andre: Brava...OOOOWW! [Despereaux hops off, Andre is in pain]
Despereaux: The princess is in danger!
Andre: Ooh! [looks down on Despereaux] You're a cute little mouse. W-Would you like some soup? [picks up Despereaux]
Despereaux: No, I don't want... The princess is in danger!
Andre: And a talking mouse too.
Despereaux: Listen, you've gotta help me.
Andre: Perhaps a little cheese? [puts down Despereaux]
Despereaux: [infuriated] NO, I DON'T WANT ANY CHEESE! THE PRINCESS, SHE'S IN DANGER! SHE'S LOCKED IN THE DUNGEON!
Baldo: [gasps in shock] In the dungeon?
Andre: Oh, don't be silly, my little mouse. Everything is fine. The princess is perfectly safe up in the... [interrupted by the sound of lightning]
[rain pours down from the clouds and the people of Dor came outside to see for themselves]
Andre: [looks out his window] Oh my... Baldo! Look! [turns around] It's... Baldo? Where are you?
[cut to the castle hallway, where Baldo, carrying Desperaux on his shoulder, charge through the doors.]

View Quote Narrator: Now, it's hard to be a genius all by yourself. In fact, sometimes it takes a little help.
[smoke emerges from the pot of soup, an empty pot falls on the table, the smoke carries to the empty pot, and from the pot emerges Baldo, a soup genie made of vegetables]
Andre: You changed something.
Baldo: You're crazy. I did not touch it.
Andre: I can smell it. What's this?
Baldo: What?
Andre: This! [picks off a garlic]
Baldo: Ow! Garlic.
Andre: Garlic?
Baldo: Yeah, a little garlic. It was already there.
Andre: No.
Baldo: Yes.
Andre: No.
Baldo: Yes.
Andre: NOT THIS MUCH! [grabs the garlic vine]
Baldo: OW!
Andre: [as he rips the garlic vine from Baldo] You ruined my soup!
Baldo: I saved your soup! Those people wait all year, and you want to give them this...dishwater.
Andre: Dishwater?
Baldo: Dishwater.
Andre: DISHWATER?! [hits Baldo]
Baldo: OW! Cut it out!
[the scene cuts to outside the kitchen with windows showing Andre and Baldo still fighting]

View Quote Andre: [offscreen] I don't have to stand here and listen to a big talking garbage can!
Baldo: [offscreen] Huh! And I don't to stand here and listen to a coward!
[the scene cuts to inside the kitchen]
Andre: Coward?!
Baldo: Yes, a coward!
Andre: Call me a coward!
Baldo: Yes!
[Andre yells and throws a tomato at Baldo, Baldo dodges and throws another tomato at Andre]
Andre: OH NOOOO!!!
[Baldo laughs. Andre throws a turnip at Baldo, he dodges again and throws tomatoes at Andre, Andre dodges and picks up the bottle and throws it at Baldo, Baldo dodges, the bottle lands in the soup, a crowd of voices heard gasping]
Andre: Oh, no no no no no no no. That did it.
[Baldo mutters as Andre taste-tests his soup, Andre chuckles, and Baldo also taste-tests the soup]
Baldo: Bellissima!
Andre: Fantastique!

View Quote I have had a most rare vision.I have had a dream.Past the wit of man to say what dream it was.Man is but an ass if he go about to expound this dream.Methought I was...There's no man can tell what.Methought I was...Methought I had...Man is but a patched fool is he will offer to say what I had.

View Quote Nick Bottom: Since lion vile hath here deflowered my dear...
Peter Quince: DEVOURED.

View Quote Tom Snout: [Puck has turned Bottom into a Donkey] Bottom, thou art changed. What do I see on thee?
Nick Bottom: What do you see? What; do you see an ass' head of your own, do you?
Peter Quince: [backing away] Bless me. Thou art translated.
[all run off, leaving Bottom alone on the stage]
Nick Bottom: Why do they run away? I see their knavery. This is to make an ass of me.

View Quote Simon: [as Mack and Simon and their wives and families look at the Grand Canyon] So what do you think?
Mack: I think it's not all bad.

View Quote Dee: You've denied me in every way you can. Everything I've wanted, you've denied me.
Mack: I've been honest all along. Even that night.
Dee: Who gives a shit? Don't you see what you do? Even now, you wanna deny me what's rightfully mine.
Mack: Which is?
Dee: To resent the hell outta you. To feel totally rejected and hated. To hate you for doing it to me. There are good men out there who are gonna treat me like I'm the very thing they want. And then you do that thing with Jane.
Mack: What?
Dee: You know, with that guy, that tow-truck guy.
Mack: What about it? What's that got to do with anything?
Dee: You don't even know, do you? You don't even know why that hurts me so much. Jane's in love. She thinks this could be the one.
Mack: Is that bad? I thought she was your friend.
Dee: She is my friend. I'm very happy for her, but it makes me feel like shit... that you're out there finding her the love of her life and I'm here like what? I'm here like shit. How do you think that's gonna make me feel?
Mack: Dee, I understand you're angry with me, but why would...?
Dee: Forget it. It doesn't have to make sense.

View Quote Mack: He's kinda lonely, but he seems peaceful about it.
Jane: That would be nice.
Dee: Ya know, it would be great if you could sort of be down about things, but still be alright with it. Like, finally accept that fact that you're gonna feel bad most of the time and not fight it.
Mack: Of course, it would also be nice not to feel bad most of the time.
Dee: Yeah, but that's how you get yourself in trouble. By thinking how nice it'd be to be happy more.

View Quote Ah, Clouseau. Yes, well, the first time I ever heard that name, Clouseau was just a little nobody. He was the village idiot, as far as I could tell. As Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, I hear many stories of our officers in the field. Clouseau generated many... many stories. Needless to say, Clouseau did not qualify for any advancement whatsoever. I never thought for a moment that I would have any use for him, until that fateful day. It was a perfect day for a murder. France against China, with the winner advancing to the finals. I had been invited, as Chief Inspector of the Police Nationale, and because of my recent nomination for the Medal of Honor. I have been nominated seven times. I have never won. But still, seven nominations. That's... something. Anyway, the Coach of the French team, Yves Gluant, came out for his customary ovation. On it: the Pink Panther diamond. It was quite the symbol of pride and victory for the French team. Gluant's girlfriend at that time was Xania, the international pop star. They had been having quite a stormy affair. By the end of regulation time, the score was tied, and the game went into sudden death. For a patriotic fan and true Frenchman like myself, it was almost too thrilling to believe. And then... the miracle. And then, in front of a stadium filled with people, Gluant collapsed, dead, a poison dart in his neck. And the Pink Panther had disappeared.

View Quote Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Without you, I would be nothing!
Dreyfus: Perhaps you still are.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Ha! Excellent verbal joust, inspector! We must do lunch sometime. Had it not been for you, who knows? Someone else might have won the Medal of Honor this year.
Dreyfus: [Grumbling as Clouseau gets in the car] Yes, I know. Idiot. [Looks down] Oh no.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What? What did you say?
Ponton: Nothing.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You mean, you didn't just say: Stop the car, dear God, I beg of you, stop the car?
Ponton: No.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Hmm.
[Chief Inspector Dreyfus seen screaming while his coat is stuck in the car door]
Chief Inspector Dreyfus: CLOUSEAU!

View Quote [revealing himself to be a U.S. Marshal after disguising himself as a courtesan and being called 'lady' by Jim West] I'm not a lady, I'm a U.S. Marshal!

View Quote [upon being caught impersonating U.S. President Ulysses S. Grant by Grant himself] President Grant... Sir, these are perilous times. I was merely demonstrating how someone, using the art of disguise could penetrate into the very bowels of the White House, sir.