Soapdish 1991 quotes

Celeste Talbert

Oh, God! I got pregnant, and I was so young! And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby! So I... I went home to Iowa, and I had you, and I gave you to Grandma to raise, and I made up a twin sister Simone who died in a car wreck and said she was your actual mom! And then the show told everyone I had TB and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego...

Rose

Now why can't I write shit like this?

Celeste Talbert

After I... After I came back from having Lori, I was terrible to you, I know that, I know that, I know that! All right? I blamed you for messing up my whole life, so I had you written off the show so you'd disappear - and you did! And now you're all back, and I've ruined three lives! THREE LIVES! Me, America's Sweetheart! [sobs louder] Oh, God...!

David Barnes

This is **** great!

Ariel Maloney

New boy in town?

Jeffrey Anderson

Just got off the choo-choo... you have lovely eyes.

Ariel Maloney

They're nothing compared to my tits! You should come up and see them sometime.

Betsy Faye Sharon

Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.

Mark

Sure.

Mark

"Will you be having wine with dinner?"

Betsy Faye Sharon

I think we've found our waiter!

Celeste Talbert

Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

Ariel Maloney

Bitch!

David Barnes

Hag!

Montana Moorehead

I hate her so much!

Celeste Talbert

And now you're back, and I've ruined three lives! Three lives! Me, America's Sweetheart! [sobbing louder] Oh, God...!

David Barnes

This is **** great!

Celeste Talbert

I got pregnant, and I was so young! And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby! So I went home to Iowa, and I had you, and I gave you to Grandma to raise, and I made up a twin sister Simone who died in a car wreck and said she was your actual mom. And then the show told everyone I had TB and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego...

Rose

Now why can't I write shit like this?

Celeste Talbert

I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?

Lori Craven

I know that speech.

Celeste Talbert

You do?

Lori Craven

Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.

David Barnes

I was under orders.

Celeste Talbert

So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.

David Barnes

Himmler.

Celeste Talbert

No, no, no.

David Barnes

Hess.

Rose Schwartz

Eichmann.

David Barnes

Eichmann.

Edmund Edwards

She's been through hell, and we're her family. So in this crisis, we have to support her.

Rose Schwartz

Yeah.

Edmund Edwards

We have to love her.

Rose Schwartz

Mmm.

Edmund Edwards

We have to care about her.

Rose Schwartz

Mmm.

Edmund Edwards

And we have to milk it for every drop of publicity we can get.

Jeffrey Anderson

Of course I can kiss her!

Lori Craven

This is ridiculous! I can kiss who I want!

Celeste Talbert

No! You can't! You can't kiss her!

Jeffrey Anderson

Why because she's your niece?

Celeste Talbert

No, you nitwit! Because she's my daughter! And your daughter.

Lori Craven

What?

Jeffrey Anderson

What are you talking about?

Celeste Talbert

We're her parents! You and I! [sobbing] We're her Mommy and her Daddy.

Lori Craven

We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. [to Montana] Do you mind?

Montana Moorehead

You, you're asking me to leave?

Lori Craven

That's right. I'm asking you to leave.

Montana Moorehead

David...

David Barnes

Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?

Montana Moorehead

No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. [storms out] I hate you! I hate you, you pig!

David Barnes

She's got a lot of spirit.

Lori Craven

She's a deranged bitch!

Lori Craven

Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress.

Betsy Faye Sharon

An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.

Montana Moorehead

WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!

Jeffrey Anderson

I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!

Edmund Edwards

This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!

Jeffrey Anderson

Doctor!

Ariel Maloney

A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.

Rose Schwartz

Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead, because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.

Rose Schwartz

Hello.

Montana Moorehead

NO! NO! NO!

Edmund Edwards

She's a boy!

David Barnes

Yeah, well we knew that. [starts gagging]

Edmund Edwards

Are you okay?

David Barnes

I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.

Lori Craven

MOTHER!

Lori Craven

No, I can't let you do this!

She spoke?

Jeffrey Anderson

She spoke!

Montana Moorehead

Sudden speech, the last stages of brain fever! She can blow up any moment!

Lori Craven

I can always speak! Mother...

Montana Moorehead

She's MY mother!

Celeste Talbert

MONTANA, SHUT UP!

Celeste Talbert

Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?

Jeffrey Anderson

I will if it's that sample. Huh... I wish it was that simple.

Edmund Edwards

This guy never heard of contact lenses?

Jeffrey Anderson

The test results have come back.

Celeste Talbert

And?

Jeffrey Anderson

And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... [pause] Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.

What the hell?

David Barnes

Brain fever!

Edmund Edwards

Say it!

Celeste Talbert

Brain fever!

Jeffrey Anderson

Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... [they both goggle at the word] Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...

Celeste Talbert

Literally explode?

Jeffrey Anderson

Exactly, within the next three houses.

Celeste Talbert

Hours?

Jeffrey Anderson

Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.

Celeste Talbert

Restaurant?

Jeffrey Anderson

Restaurant, yes.

Celeste Talbert

Her brain will actually explode?

Jeffrey Anderson

Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.