[accepting an award]
Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...
David Barnes Hag!
I hate her so much!
Played by Robert Downey Jr. 
Soapdish (1991) · 17 quotes
Soapdish (1991) · 17 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Soapdish (1991): in 7 of its 17 quotes
Most scenes with: Celeste Talbert (5), Rose Schwartz (3), Montana Moorehead (3)
Scenes with David Barnes
7 scenes David Barnes [sobbing]
And now you're back, and I've ruined three lives! Three lives! Me, America's Sweetheart! [sobbing louder] Oh, God...!
David Barnes [checks that the cameras are still rolling]
This is **** great!
[bursting into David's office]
We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. [to Montana] Do you mind?
You, you're asking me to leave?
That's right. I'm asking you to leave.
David...
David Barnes Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?
No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. [storms out] I hate you! I hate you, you pig!
David Barnes She's got a lot of spirit.
She's a deranged bitch!
David Barnes I was under orders.
So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
David Barnes Himmler.
No, no, no.
David Barnes Hess.
Eichmann.
David Barnes Eichmann.
[Reading unrehearsed lines off the TelePrompTer] [as Maggie]
Dr. Randall, what a surprise! Are you having lunch here?
The test results have come back.
And?
And I'm afraid the results are very disturbing. It seems that Angelique has a rare case of brake fluid... [pause] Bran... fluid. Bran flavor.
Burton White
What the hell?
David Barnes [offstage]
Brain fever!
Brain fever!
[as Dr. Randall]
Yes. Brain fever. Or what we call in Austria... [they both goggle at the word] Kopfgeschlagen. At the current rate of inflation, her brain will laterally explore the...
Literally explode?
Exactly, within the next three houses.
Hours?
Yes, will literally explode within next three hours. I would suggest leaving the restraint.
Restaurant?
Restaurant, yes.
Her brain will actually explode?
Yes, yes, I've, um, seen it happen. It's a dreadful, dreadful thug. Thing.
[as Lori, Celeste, And Jeffrey kiss and make up]
WAIT! Wait! But I'm carrying his child!
I didn't sleep with her! Will somebody please believe me?!
[offstage, delighted]
This is what I meant. This is what I told them to do. This is soap opera!
A second opinion... this is Dr. Frans Blau of the sex change clinic in Bethesda, Maryland.
[German accent]
Thank you. Dr. Randall, after extensive investigations, I've come to the conclusion that it's virtually impossible for you to have impregnated your nurse, Montana Moorehead, because before she came to our little clinic, she was... Milton Moorehead of Syosset, Long Island.
[Rose opens the high school yearbook showing Montana's teenage boy photo] [normal voice]
Hello.
David Barnes [long, incredulous pause]
Yeah, well we knew that. [starts gagging]
Are you okay?
David Barnes [weak voice]
I'm fine. I'm just going to go congratulate the others.
[sobbing]
Oh, God! I got pregnant, and I was so young! And the show made me sign a paper saying I'd never mention the baby! So I... I went home to Iowa, and I had you, and I gave you to Grandma to raise, and I made up a twin sister Simone who died in a car wreck and said she was your actual mom! And then the show told everyone I had TB and sent my character to a sanitarium in Tierra del Fuego...
[still sobbing]
After I... After I came back from having Lori, I was terrible to you, I know that, I know that, I know that! All right? I blamed you for messing up my whole life, so I had you written off the show so you'd disappear - and you did! And now you're all back, and I've ruined three lives! THREE LIVES! Me, America's Sweetheart! [sobs louder] Oh, God...!
David Barnes [checks that the cameras are still rolling]
This is **** great!
