Harry Don't worry, I saw Lord of the Rings. I'm not going to end this 17 times.
More lines from Harry
13 quotes Harry Harry [voice over]
I tell him about destiny; he's shaking his head. About dreamgirls; he doesn't care. I mention the underwear thing? He has a **** conniption. And you? How 'bout it, filmgoer? Have you solved the case of the - the dead people in L.A.? Times Square audiences, please don't shout at the screen, and stop picking at that, it'll just get worse.
Harry This is every shade of wrong.
Harry I swear to God, it's like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
Harry [voiceover]
I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.
Harry When in doubt, cut up a pig - that was the town's motto.
Harry Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.
Harry Doesn't that suck? I just hit you for no reason. I don't know why.
Harry It was the first time I felt how pitying someone and wanting to **** them can get all tangled up in your head. Overwhelming sadness, meanwhile you got a Rodney. Is that sick? I think… yeah… I think that's sick.
Harry Wow, I feel sore. I mean physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1950's.
Harry Anyway, by now you may wonder how I wound up here. Or maybe not. Maybe you wonder how silly putty picks shit up from comic books. The point is, I don't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
Harry And that's how she got to the same party as me. Oh shit. I skipped something. Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I like totally forgot. ****, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke. "Oh, wait back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse." ****. Anyway, I don't know if you want to see it now, but here's the **** robot stuff for your viewing pleasure. Can I say "****" more?
Harry I sent Harmony home believing A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case, and B, I'm not actually gay. Please do not ask me how I did B.
Scenes with Harry
17 scenes Harry Still gay?
No, knee-deep in pussy. I just love the name so much I can't get rid of it.
Harry Do you think I'm stupid?
I don't think you'd know where to put food, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.
Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
Harry A picture of me?
No! The definition of the word "idiot"! Which you **** are!
So she comes to the door with nothing on but the radio. And she leads me inside and I sit down, right? Well, then she sits right on my lap and lights up a spliff.
Harry Really? That happened?
No. Idiot.
Harry I swear to God, it's like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.
OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!
[All the girls in the club raise their hands.]
See that? Obedient little bitches too.
[Off-screen girl shouts "**** you!" and tosses a glass at Perry which he dodges]
Harry [Harry catches Agent Type feeling up Harmony, who's passed out.]
You know what? You'd better be her doctor.
Harry [Agent Type looks up, busted.]
Walk away, don't think, just do it.
Agent Type What are you, her brother or something? It's none of your business, man. I will **** you up.
Harry [coolly]
No. You'll try, and that little experiment will end in tears, my friend. So, again for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the **** away - or let's you and me go outside right now. It's past my bedtime. Make a choice.
B-Movie Actress So what do you do?
Harry I'm retired, I invented dice as a kid.
Merry Christmas. Sorry I **** you over.
Harry No problem. Don't quit your gay job.
Mr. Frying Pan Well would you look at what we got here? Ike, Mike and Mustard.
Harry What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Mr. Fire You know I'm with him on that one, man. That was pretty **** obscure.
I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?
Gunman
**** you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.
Ambiguous. No, no, I don't think so.
Harry No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head" okay is that that a bullet will be inside your head. Or picture it in your head.
Harry will you shut up.
Harry Well he's got a point.
Gunman
Look, I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing.
[Harry begins unloading his revolver] :Harry: Oh okay, you know what? I think you are bluffing right now.
Harry what are you doing?
[sticks one bullet in the cylinder and spins it.] :Harry: Well what I am doing for the guy who likes tobluff, is I am playing a little game called "Am I bluffing?" Where is she? Where the **** is Harmony?
Harry,
[Harry spins the cylinder again and closes it] :Harry: You want to play hard ball, I can do that. Where...is...the girl![The gun unexpectedly fires into the gunman's head.]
What did you just do!?
Harry There was only one bullet in that right?
Yes, you put a live round into that gun.
Harry Well I didn't know I thought there was like an...eight percent chance.
Eight? Who taught you math?
Harry Umm, clearly I'm interrupting. I feel badly. Let me... What are you drinking?
Bad.
Harry Bad? Sorry... feel...?
You feel bad.
Harry Bad?
Badly is an adverb. So, to say you feel badly would be saying that the mechanism which allows you to feel is broken.
Harry Mmmm, I heard about that. It was neck and neck until she skipped lunch.
Harry Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?
Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my **** gun.
Harry Because...
Because it's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, chief.
How about you, Harry, did your father love you?
Harry Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?
Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.
Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.
Harry Bad.
Excuse me?
Harry Sleep bad. Otherwise, it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...
What, ****head? Badly's an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Get out. Vanish.
Is that the body?
Harry No, that's the other corpse, from the last guy who stayed here.
**** off.
Harry That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas. [Lights a cigarette] That was some pretty harsh shit. The old guy back there, right? [Mimics the slapping] But, whatever, he's creepy, **** him, don't worry 'bout him. Uh, anyhow, so, um, thanks for coming. Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me. Uh...I mean, if I have to-to sum it up, and I do, cause it's like, you know, the end, I would say this movie is...is about friendship. Friendship is...is...is sacred.
What are you doing?
Harry I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave the people a message.
Oh. Well, I got a message for ya: Get your feet off my **** desk.
Harry Sorry. I work for Perry now–
[Covers Harry's mouth]
And stop narrating. [to the audience] That's it, please stay for the end credits. If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew. Um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said "****" so much. Say "Good night". [Uncovers Harry's mouth]
Harry Thanks, again.
Now go. Vanish. [Turns off the camera]
