Sherlock Holmes [First lines; surveying a ruffian guard; voiceover]
Head cocked to the left. Partial deafness in ear. [Holmes slaps the guard in the left ear] First point of attack. Two: throat; paralyse vocal chords, stop scream. [Grabs the guard by the neck, stifling his vocal cords and silencing his scream] Three: got to be heavy drinker. Floating rib to the liver. [The guard gets punched in the gut] Four: finally, drag in left leg, fist to patella. [Punches and drags the left leg] Summary prognosis: conscious in ninety seconds, partial efficacy: quarter of an hour at best. Full faculty recovery: unlikely. [Back in real time, Holmes uses his coat to conceal himself in the shadows, and as the guard strolls past him, Holmes leaps out, does all of the above in a matter of seconds, and steals the guard's bowler hat and lantern, before taking off down the stairs.]
Sherlock Holmes. And his loyal dog. Tell me, Doctor … as a medical man, have you enjoyed my work?
Let me show you just how much I've enjoyed it. [starts walking towards Blackwood]
Holmes Watson, don't!
Holmes [Holmes stops Watson a few feet from Lord Blackwood, then looks at Blackwood's hands]
Observe …
[Watson looks down, to see there is an almost imperceptibly thin glass dagger with a sharp point less than a foot from where they stand]
How did you see that?
Holmes Because I was looking for it.
[Holmes uses his batons to shatter the dagger]
You were told to wait for my orders.
Sherlock Holmes If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor. Besides, the girl's family hired me, not the Yard. Why they thought you needed any assistance is beyond me.
Well, London will breathe a sigh of relief.
Indeed. Congratulations, Lestrade.
Sherlock Holmes Bravo, Inspector! Have a cigar.
P Photographer
Gentlemen. [they turn] Cheese.
[Their photo is taken, and Holmes tries to conceal his face]
You've been in this room for two weeks. I insist you have to get out.
Holmes [looking out the window]
There is absolutely nothing of interest to me, out there, on Earth, at all.
[pauses]
So you're free this evening?
Holmes Absolutely.
Holmes Wonderful.
Holmes My favorite.
[starts to leave]
… Mary's coming.
Holmes [looks up]
… Not available.
You're meeting her, Holmes!
Holmes Have you proposed yet?
No, I haven't found the right ring.
Holmes Then it's not official.
It's happening, whether you like it or not! 8:30, The Royale. Wear a jacket. [departs]
Holmes You wear a jacket.
What can you tell about me?
Sherlock Holmes You?
[He and Watson exchange a look]
Oh, I don't think that's –
Sherlock Holmes I don't know that that's –
Sherlock Holmes Perhaps some other time.
Sherlock Holmes You insist?
You remember we discussed this.
Sherlock Holmes The lady insists.
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes takes a look]
You're a governess.
Yes, very well done. Now, shall we? Waiter!
Sherlock Holmes Your student … is a boy of eight.
Charlie's seven, actually.
Sherlock Holmes Ah, well, then he's tall for his age. He flicked ink on you today.
Do I have ink on my face?
There's nothing wrong with your face.
Sherlock Holmes There are two drops on your ear, in fact. India Blue is nearly impossible to get off. A very impetuous act by the boy, but you are too experienced to react rashly which is why the lady for whom you work lent you that necklace. Oriental pearls, diamonds, a flawless ruby; hardly the gems of a governess. However, the jewels you are not wearing tell us rather more.
Sherlock Holmes You were engaged. The ring is gone, but the lighter skin where it once sat suggests that you spent some time abroad wearing it proudly. That is until you were informed of it's true, modest worth, at which point, you broke off the engagement and returned to England for better prospects. [Glances at Watson] A doctor, perhaps?
[Mary angrily splashes her wine on Holmes' face]
Right on all counts, Mr. Holmes, apart from one: I didn't leave him...he died.
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes is standing in front of a glass containing a group of flies, strumming chords on his violin as he observes them]
Watson, what started merely as an experiment has led me to the brink of a remarkable discovery.
You do realize that what you're drinking is meant for eye surgery?
Sherlock Holmes If I play a chromatic scale, there's no measurable response. Now, and this is remarkable, I switch to atonal clusters …
Sherlock Holmes [The flies start flying in neat circles]
Voilà! They fly in synchronized, counterclockwise, concentric circles, as though a regimented flock. Watson, this is extraordinary. I, using musical theory, have created order … out of chaos.
How did you lure them in?
Sherlock Holmes Excellent question. Individually. I've been at it for six hours.
And what happens if I do this?
Sherlock Holmes [He takes the lid off the glass and taps the glass with his cane, letting all the insects fly out]
… Right.
Get yourself cleaned up. You are Blackwood's last request.
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes is visiting Blackwood in his cell and has noticed various occult carvings in the walls; Blackwood himself is reading from the Book of Revelation]
I love what you've done with the place.
So glad you could accept my invitation.
Sherlock Holmes I just have a small point of concern.
Sherlock Holmes I'd already followed the murders with some interest, and while my heart went out primarily to the families of the victims, I couldn't help but notice a criminal mastery in the stroke of your brush.
Sherlock Holmes However, by comparison, your work in the crypt was more akin to a finger painting.
Now, by the looks of things, you're between jobs.
Sherlock Holmes And you between husbands. How much did you get for the ring?
Oh, he was boring, and jealous, and he snored. [shrugs] I'm Irene Adler once again.
[Holmes and Watson arrive at the graveyard.]
We're just in the process of bringing up the casket.
Holmes [looks at the constables, all of whom seem rooted to the ground]
Indeed? What stage of the process? Contemplative?
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes & Watson are searching Luke Reordan's apartment]
There's one odour I can't put my finger on. Is it candy floss, molasses… maple syrup? Ah! Barley sugar. [Watson turns around to see two of Blackwood's henchmen enter, one holding a …]
Sherlock Holmes [eyes the second thug's gasoline can]
Let me guess … judging by your arsonist's tool kit, you're here to burn down the building, and extinguish all evidence therein.
First Thug Just one minute, boys! [calls] Oh, Dredger!
[Dredger enters, Holmes and Watson look up … and up]
Il y a un problème? ["Is there a problem?"]
Sherlock Holmes [pointing his cane to Dredger and then to the thugs]
Meat … or potatoes?
Sherlock Holmes [The three thugs attack them; Watson takes on the two short thugs while Holmes engages Dredger; Dredger grabs Holmes by the neck and throws him across a table into a wall; after this, Holmes staggers to his feet]
Un moment, s'il vous plaît … ["One moment, please."]
Je ne suis pas pressé. ["I'm in no hurry."]
[Holmes whacks Dredger with a pipe until he accidentally strikes a column; Holmes manages to grab an odd copper wand-like object; when he puts the tips to Dredger's chest, it sends Dredger flying backwards and straight through a wall; Holmes gets to his feet, and after recharging the taser-wand, he hears sounds from behind the wall; eventually, we hear a few crashes, and Dredger shoves open two other doors, carrying a small knife]
[rising unsteadily to his feet]
Un moment, s'il vous plaît … ["One moment, please …"]
[Holmes uses the taser to send an electric shock through a pipe to a knife that Dredger is holding, causing him to go flying backwards against the thug that is holding Watson at knifepoint, crushing the thug; Holmes then blows out a bit of smoke from the taser] [in surprise]
Holmes, what is that?
Sherlock Holmes Je ne sais pas. ["I don't know."]
[Dredger grabs the taser from Holmes after Holmes accuses him of working for Blackwood]
Cours, petit lapin, cours. ["Run, little rabbit, run."]
Holmes Avec plaisir. ["With pleasure."]
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes is summoned to the scene of Sir Thomas's death]
Why did you drain the bathwater?
CC Constable Clarkie
Out of common decency, sir.
Sherlock Holmes Crime is common, logic is rare. The decent thing is to catch the killer, not provide comfort for the corpse.
Sherlock Holmes You know, somehow I knew you wouldn't leave.
[holds up a newspaper, showing the headline "Sherlock Holmes – WANTED"]
You made the front page.
Sherlock Holmes Only a name and no picture.
Anyway, it appears that you'll be working outside the law now, and that's my area of expertise.
Sherlock Holmes I feel safer already.
Sherlock Holmes [In a bare-knuckle boxing match, Holmes sees Irene and tries to forfeit and leave]
That's it, big man. You've won, congratulations.
McMurdo Oi, we ain't done yet!
Sherlock Holmes [McMurdo spits at the back of Holmes's head. Holmes stops] [voice-over]
This mustn't register on an emotional level … [in slow motion] First, distract target … [Holmes flicks a handkerchief in front of his opponent's face] Then block his blind jab, counter with cross to left cheek. Discombobulate. [Holmes claps his hands over his opponent's ears] Dazed, will attempt wild haymaker. Employ elbow block, and body shot. [blocks with his elbow and delivers a body blow] Block feral left, weaken right jaw, now fracture. [a cross to the jaw fractures the bone] Break cracked ribs, traumatize solar plexus, dislocate jaw entirely. [two more body blows, and a right hook to the jaw hinge] Heel kick to diaphragm … [a heel kick to the opponent's chest sends him crashing out of the ring] In summary: ears ringing, jaw fractured, three ribs cracked, four broken, diaphragm hemorrhaging. Physical recovery: six weeks. Full psychological recovery: six months. Capacity to spit at back of head: neutralized. [Back in real time, Holmes picks up the handkerchief, as though wiping the back of his neck, then proceeds to do all of the foregoing in approximately six seconds, and kicks McMurdo out of the ring, before calmly walking away]
O Onlooker
Where did that come from?! [Those who place their bets realize that they've lost their money]
Sherlock Holmes You've never complained about my methods before.
Sherlock Holmes You're not? What do you call this?
I never complain! How am I complaining?! When do I ever complain about you practicing the violin at three in the morning, or your mess, your general lack of hygiene, or the fact that you steal my clothes?!
Sherlock Holmes Uh, we have a barter system …
When have I ever complained about you setting fire to my rooms?
Sherlock Holmes Our rooms …
The rooms! Or, or, the fact that you experiment on my dog?
Sherlock Holmes Our dog …
Sherlock Holmes Gladstone is our dog!
Sherlock Holmes [Mrs. Hudson starts to clear space for the tea tray]
Don't touch. Everything is in its proper place as per usual … Nanny. [on her way out, Mrs. Hudson notices Gladstone the dog laying on the floor]
Oh, he's killed the dog. Again.
[irritated]
What have you done to Gladstone now?
Sherlock Holmes I was simply testing a new anesthetic. He doesn't mind.
Sherlock Holmes There is a toxin, refined from the nectar of the rhododendron ponticum. It's quite infamous in the region of Turkey bordering the Black Sea for its ability to induce an apparently mortal paralysis. Enough to deceive even a medical mind as tenacious and well-trained as yours. It's known locally as …
[noticing Gladstone has been "killed" yet again]
What's wrong with Gladstone?
Sherlock Holmes …mad honey disease. Oh, he's just demonstrating the very effect I've just described. He doesn't mind.
[about Lord Blackwood]
You really believe he was resurrected?
Sherlock Holmes The question is not if, but how. The game's afoot.
JW Dr. John Watson, Sherlock Holmes
[together]
"And upon this charge, cry God for Harry, England and St. George!"
[Irene makes her way to the carriage]
He'll do it.
IS Irene's Employer
Well done, Miss Adler. That's precisely why I hired you.
I wager he will have our man in the next 24 hours.
IS Irene's Employer
He'd better. Reordan is the key to what Blackwood was doing. He's essential to my plan.
Sherlock Holmes (dressed as street bum) [Further conversation is interrupted when some idiotic street bum (later revealed to be Holmes in disguise) suddenly rams into the side of the carriage] [slurring, as if drunk]
A little rifle range could go a long way, sir. Rubbin' the calluses off these German bands – [Irene's employer brandishes a wrist-mounted gun. The bum backs off] God save the Queen. God save the Queen. [He tips his hat and walks away]
Look at you! Why is the only woman you've ever cared about a world class criminal? Are you a masochist?
Sherlock Holmes Allow me to explain.
Allow me. She's the only adversary who ever outsmarted you … twice. Made a proper idiot out of you.
Sherlock Holmes Right, you've had your fun.
What's she after, anyway?
Sherlock Holmes It's time to press on.
What could she possibly need?
Sherlock Holmes [sighs]
Doesn't matter.
Alibi? A beard. A human canoe. She could sit on your back and paddle you up the Thames.
What were you doing [out there]?
Sherlock Holmes Will you allow me to explain?
[Cuts back to when Irene Adler left the room. Holmes pretends to strum chords on his violin. As soon as Irene closes the door behind her, Holmes races over to the window and arrives in time to see her exiting the building. He runs back to the door. Watson is coming upstairs when Holmes comes running downstairs, and he opens the window at the midway landing]
Holmes, what are you doing?
Sherlock Holmes Nothing.
Sherlock Holmes … false nose? No.
[as Holmes steals his coat]
Tell me that that wasn't … [before he can say "Irene Adler," Holmes jumps out the window and lands on a dumpster] Holmes, where are you going? [Holmes jumps onto another dumpster that is much lighter and the roof collapses under his weight.]
Sherlock Holmes Watson! Uh, Watson! [Watson simply closes the window]
First Man [Holmes makes his way up a flight of stairs and into a back street. He eventually catches up to Irene. He hides behind a stall and watches as Irene passes a man in a passageway with a bouquet of flowers]
Got some flowers for you, sweetheart. Cut you a deal 'cause you're so pretty.
SM Second Man
[comes up behind Irene and whispers in her ear]
Hello gorgeous, have you got something for me?
[Irene promptly pulls out a leather cosh and strikes the second thug across the face, pull out a stiletto and points it at the face of the first thug]
MOVE! [ She backs the thug into the wall, then she lowers the blade from his face to his neck and searches the man's pockets] Now what have we got here? Oh! [She takes the man's wallet, and the flower bouquet] Thank you.
Sherlock Holmes That's the Irene I know. [He continues to follow Irene, passing through a small circus. He follows her through a small dressing tent, swiping some items to add to his disguise. Irene momentarily turns around, and does not notice that standing behind a performer carrying a weight is Holmes, wearing a top hat, a scarf, and an eyepatch over his left eye. As soon as she turns away, Holmes emerges from hiding and continues to follow her. He intercepts the carriage as it is coming along by ramming into the side of the horse, causing it to stop. The scene then fast-forwards through Holmes being yelled at by the driver and being scared off by the employer's wrist-mounted pistol and cuts to Holmes finishing his story]
Sherlock Holmes This man intrigues me, Watson, he's got Adler on edge.
Sherlock Holmes She's intimidated. She's scared of him.
Sherlock Holmes Right.
Well, it's nothing to do with me, but I advise you: Leave. The case. Alone.
Sherlock Holmes Well, I may not have a choice, hm? After all, I may be paying the rent on my own, soon. [points his violin bow at Watson] Thanks to you.
Sherlock Holmes It's not in your face; it's in my hand.
Get what's in your hand out my face.
FT Fortune Teller
[Reading Watson's palm]
Oh, I see two men. Brothers. Not in blood, but in bond.
FT Fortune Teller
M for Mary, for Marriage. Oh, you will be married.
FT Fortune Teller
Oh, I see patterned tableclothes, oh! China figurines, oh, and lace doilies!
Holmes [mutters]
Doilies.
Lace doilies? [He realizes that Holmes must have paid the fortune teller to rip him off] Holmes? Does your depravity know no boundaries?
Holmes No.
FT Fortune Teller
Oh, she turns to fat! And oh, she has a beard!
Holmes What of the warts?
FT Fortune Teller
Oh she's covered in warts.
Holmes [over Watson]
Are they extensive?
Holmes It's the most apt prediction Flora has made in years, and precisely the reason you cannot find a ring.
[looking at papers on Reordan's walls]
It looks like he was attempting to combine some kind of sorcery and scientific formula.
Holmes [noticing some papers that were burnt to cover their contents]
More importantly, let's see what he was trying to dispose of.
Sherlock Holmes [A chambermaid enters Irene Adler's room and screams when she sees Holmes, handcuffed naked to the bed with a pillow covering his groin]
Madam, I need you to remain calm. And trust me, I'm a professional. But beneath this pillow … lies the key to my release.
[The maid screams again and runs out in disgust]
Sherlock Holmes [Cuts to Holmes retelling the story to Clarkie in a carriage]
Of course, she misinterpreted my meaning entirely.
Constable Clark Naturally, sir.
Sherlock Holmes That's why I find this modern religious fervor so troubling. There's no room for misunderstanding.
Constable Clark Faith runs right over reason, sir.
Sherlock Holmes Indeed. And chamber maids were once such a liberal breed.
Constable Clark My wife's a chamber maid, sir. [pause] Anyhow, it's a good thing she was offended, sir. Otherwise we'd never have found you. The Inspector's been over to Baker Street himself twice this morning, sir.
Sherlock Holmes Ah, yes.
Constable Clark [Another pause]
Just joking about the wife, sir.
Sir Thomas Mr. Holmes, apologies for summoning you like this. I'm sure it's quite a mystery as to where you are, and who I am …
Sherlock Holmes [providing a turn by turn account of the route]
As to where I am, I was, admittedly, lost for a moment, between Charing Cross and Holborn, but I was saved by the bread shop on Saffron Hill. The only baker to use a certain French glaze on their loaves – a Brittany sage. After that, the carriage forked left, then right, and then the tell-tale bump at the Fleet Conduit. And as to who you are, that took every ounce of my not-inconsiderable experience. The letters on your desk were addressed to a Sir Thomas Rotherham. Lord Chief Justice, that would be the official title. Who you really are is, of course, another matter entirely. Judging by the sacred ox on your ring, you're the secret head of the Temple of the Four Orders in whose headquarters we now sit, located on the northwest corner of St. James Square, I think. As to the mystery, the only mystery is why you bothered to blindfold me at all.
Sir Thomas Yes, well … standard procedure, I suppose.
[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]
Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you … [lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders] … and the Order, sir.
Lord Coward I see.
Sherlock Holmes Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.
[turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]
Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.
Sherlock Holmes [Holmes confronts Blackwood with his actions on the uncompleted Tower Bridge, Blackwood's foot tied to a yoke, threatening to pull him off. Blackwood desperately hangs on to a plank on the scaffolding]
There was never any magic. Only conjuring tricks. The simplest involved paying people off, like the prison guard who pretended to be possessed outside your cell. Your reputation and the immense fear did the rest. Others required more elaborate preparations, like the sandstone slab that covered your tomb. You had it broken before your burial, then put back together using a mild adhesive. An ancient Egyptian recipe, I believe. A mixture of egg and honey, designed to be washed away by the rain. [The plank Blackwood is holding on to breaks, pulling him further to the edge of the scaffolding. He manages to grab another plank, stopping his fall]
Sherlock Holmes Arranging for your own father to drown in his own bathtub required ... more modern science. Very clever of Reordan to find a paralytic that was activated by the combination of copper and water and was, therefore, undetectable once the bathwater was drained. It might've been quite a challenge for me, had he not also tested it on some unfortunate amphibians. [Another plank breaks, causing Blackwood to fall a few more feet before he grabs another plank] The death of Standish was a real mystery until you used the same compound to blow up the wharf: an odorless, tasteless, flammable liquid, yet it burned with an unusual pinkish hue. did Standish mistake it for rain as he entered the temple? All it took was a spark, a simple rigged bullet in his gun. Ingenius. Like all great performances, you saved your piece de resistance for the end: a chemical weapon distilled from cyanide and refined in the bellies of swine. Had it worked, your followers in Parliament would've watched, unharmed, as their colleagues were dying around them. They didn't know that you'd given them the antidote. Instead, they would've believed it was magic and that you'd harnassed the ultimate power, and that the world would've fallen to you, fear being the most powerful weapon of all. You better hope that it's nothing more than superstition as you performed all the rituals perfectly. The devil's due a soul, I'd say.
For God's sake, Holmes, cut me loose! [The plank breaks just as Holmes grabs an ax and throws it at the rope, severing Blackwood from the yoke as it falls to the Thames below.]
[Holmes is spying on Blackwood's sacrifice. One of Blackwood's henchmen tries to sneak up on him, but Watson grabs him and chokes him in a hold]
I like the hat.
Sherlock Holmes Thanks, I just picked it up.
You remember your revolver?
Sherlock Holmes Oh, knew I forgot something. Thought I left the stove on.
Sherlock Holmes I think that's quite enough. You are a doctor, after all. [Watson feels the henchman's pulse and lets him fall to the floor. Holmes & Watson shake hands]
Sherlock Holmes Always nice to see you, Watson. Where's the Inspector?
He's getting his troops lined up.
Sherlock Holmes That could be all day. [They run down the stairs and attack the other henchmen who are standing guard]
