Gay Perry quotes from Kiss Kiss Bang Bang (2005)

Gay Perry

This isn't good cop, bad cop. This is **** and New Yorker. You're in serious trouble.

Gay Perry

I call it my "**** gun", because it's only good for a couple of shots and then you have to drop it for something better.

Gay Perry

I shot him with a small revolver I keep near my balls.

Gay Perry

Thanks for coming, please stay for the end credits, if you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew, um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said **** so much.

Gay Perry

Why in pluperfect hell would you pee on a corpse?

Harry

Still gay?

Gay Perry

No, knee-deep in pussy. I just love the name so much I can't get rid of it.

Harry

Do you think I'm stupid?

Gay Perry

I don't think you'd know where to put food, if you didn't flap your mouth so much. Yes I think you're stupid.

Gay Perry

Look up idiot in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?

Harry

A picture of me?

Gay Perry

No! The definition of the word "idiot"! Which you **** are!

Gay Perry

So she comes to the door with nothing on but the radio. And she leads me inside and I sit down, right? Well, then she sits right on my lap and lights up a spliff.

Harry

Really? That happened?

Gay Perry

No. Idiot.

Harry

I swear to God, it's like somebody took America by the East Coast, and shook it, and all the normal girls managed to hang on.

Harmony

OK, everyone who hates Harry raise your hand!

Gay Perry

See that? Obedient little bitches too.
[Off-screen girl shouts "**** you!" and tosses a glass at Perry which he dodges]

Gay Perry

Merry Christmas. Sorry I **** you over.

Harry

No problem. Don't quit your gay job.

Gay Perry

I want you to picture a bullet inside your head right now. Can you do that for me?

**** you. Anyway, that's ambiguous.

Gay Perry

Ambiguous. No, no, I don't think so.

Harry

No, I think what he means is that when you say "Picture it inside your head" okay is that that a bullet will be inside your head. Or picture it in your head.

Gay Perry

Harry will you shut up.

Harry

Well he's got a point.

Look, I don't know anything about a girl, seriously. I was bluffing.
[Harry begins unloading his revolver] :Harry: Oh okay, you know what? I think you are bluffing right now.

Gay Perry

Harry what are you doing?
[sticks one bullet in the cylinder and spins it.] :Harry: Well what I am doing for the guy who likes tobluff, is I am playing a little game called "Am I bluffing?" Where is she? Where the **** is Harmony?

Gay Perry

Harry,
[Harry spins the cylinder again and closes it] :Harry: You want to play hard ball, I can do that. Where...is...the girl![The gun unexpectedly fires into the gunman's head.]

Gay Perry

What did you just do!?

Harry

There was only one bullet in that right?

Gay Perry

Yes, you put a live round into that gun.

Harry

Well I didn't know I thought there was like an...eight percent chance.

Gay Perry

Eight? Who taught you math?

Harry

Oh Wow. Woo. It's tiny. Is this real?

Gay Perry

Yeah, it's a Derringer. It's loaded. I call it my **** gun.

Harry

Because...

Gay Perry

Because it's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better. You asked, chief.

Perry

How about you, Harry, did your father love you?

Harry

Ah, sometimes, you know - like when I dressed up like a bottle. How about yours?

Perry

Well, he used to beat me in Morse code, so it's possible, but he never actually said the words.

Gay Perry

Go. Sleep badly. Any questions, hesitate to call.

Harry

Bad.

Gay Perry

Excuse me?

Harry

Sleep bad. Otherwise, it makes it seem like the mechanism that allows you to sleep...

Gay Perry

What, ****head? Badly's an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Get out. Vanish.

Gay Perry

Is that the body?

Harry

No, that's the other corpse, from the last guy who stayed here.

Gay Perry

**** off.

Harmony's Dad: Do I know you?

Gay Perry

No. Just in town for the funeral.
Harmony's Dad: What do you want?

Gay Perry

Well, I was going to go to the zoo, but it was closed, so I thought I'd come here and look at an animal.
Harmony's Dad: Son of a... Who do you think you're talking to? I buried my daughter today!

Gay Perry

No. You buried her twenty years ago. Harmony was right, her sister was murdered. You pulled the trigger. It just took this long for the bullet to hit.
Harmony's Dad: Who are you? I loved my girl.
[Perry backhands him] Harmony's Dad: You ****er! If I could get out of this bed...

Gay Perry

Yeah? Well, you can't.
[Perry backhands him again] Harmony's Dad: You bastard! Old man that can't defend himself. Big tough guy.

Gay Perry

Yeah, that's right. Big tough guy.

Harry

That's it. That's the true story of what happened last Christmas. [Lights a cigarette] That was some pretty harsh shit. The old guy back there, right? [Mimics the slapping] But, whatever, he's creepy, **** him, don't worry 'bout him. Uh, anyhow, so, um, thanks for coming. Thanks for taking the trip to L.A. with me. Uh...I mean, if I have to-to sum it up, and I do, cause it's like, you know, the end, I would say this movie is...is about friendship. Friendship is...is...is sacred.

Gay Perry

What are you doing?

Harry

I'm just trying to wrap up the movie, and leave the people a message.

Gay Perry

Oh. Well, I got a message for ya: Get your feet off my **** desk.

Harry

Sorry. I work for Perry now–

Gay Perry

And stop narrating. [to the audience] That's it, please stay for the end credits. If you're wondering who the best boy is, it's somebody's nephew. Um, don't forget to validate your parking, and to all you good people in the Midwest, sorry we said "****" so much. Say "Good night". [Uncovers Harry's mouth]

Harry

Thanks, again.

Gay Perry

Now go. Vanish. [Turns off the camera]