Tulio If I believed in fate, I wouldn't be playing with loaded dice.
Most-quoted character in The Road to El Dorado (2000): in 53 of its 120 quotes
Most scenes with: Miguel (29), Chel (14), Tzekel-Kan (4)
I will give you the honor of a quick and painless death. [Grabs a tiny dagger, pauses.] But not with that.
More lines from Tulio
16 quotes Tulio Tulio You drank the sea water, didn't you?
Tulio Your horse bit me in the butt!
Tulio Hello, is this your rock? Sorry, we were just looking. We're tourists. Tou-rists. We lost our group. May we go now?
Tulio Miguel, you know that little voice people have that tells them to quit when they're ahead? You don't have one!
Tulio Now if you'll excuse me, I have to gloat over my gold.
Tulio We are working a con, walking the razor's edge. On one side, gold. On the other side… [Gestures at mural of human sacrifice] …painful, agonizing failure!
Tulio Alright, cards on the table. I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Especially me. Mostly me. Only me. Forget Miguel.
Tulio Take that, you big Tzekel-Kan cat creep!
Tulio You're not a god? You lied to me? How dare you!
Tulio You gave me loaded dice?
Tulio [sees that their longboat could collide with Cortez's warship]
Holy SHIP!
Tulio Because the High Priest is NUTS!
Tulio I'm trying! I'm trying! I can't think with all these distractions!
Tulio Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
Tulio I'm on the verge of... STOP! [silence, as "STOP!" echoes]
Scenes with Tulio
36 scenes
You fight like my sister!
Tulio I've fought your sister. That's a compliment.
[While running for their lives, they come to the edge of a roof, quite a distance from the waterfront.]
I'll bet we can make that.
Tulio Two pesetas says we can't.
You're on! [They jump of the edge and land in two barrels] You lose.
Tulio What's happening here?
We're both in barrels. That's the extent of my knowledge.
Tulio All right. In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats... and then, we... row back to Spain like there's no manana!
Tulio Yeah.
Tulio Yeah!
Tulio That's... pretty much it.
Tulio [pause]
In the dead of night, you and I grab some provisions, hijack one of those... longboats...
Altivo! Hey, Altivo! You want the nice apple? Come and get it! But, you have to do a trick for me first! All you have to do, is find a pry bar. It's a long piece of iron with a hooky thing at the end.
Tulio Miguel, you're talking to a horse!
Yes, that's it Altivo. Find the pry bar!
Tulio Yes, "find the pry bar". He doesn't understand "pry bar"! He's a dumb horse, there's no way he could understand...
Tulio [Altivo drops keys into the brig]
Well... it's not a pry bar.
Hey, look on the positive side! At least things can't get-- [thunder rumbles and rain pours down]
Tulio Excuse me, were you about to say "worse?" Huh?
No.
Tulio No?
No. Absolutely. I've revised that whole… thing.
[Miguel and Tulio are stranded in the boat, together with Altivo]
Tulio, did you ever imagine it would end like this?
Tulio [Pause]
The horse is a surprise.
Any... regrets?
Tulio Besides dying? Yeah. I never... had enough... gold.
My regret, besides dying, is... our greatest adventure is over before it began, and no one will even remember us.
Tulio Well, if it's any consolation, Miguel, you... made my life... an adventure.
And if it's any consolation, Tulio, you made my life... rich.
Tulio [after seeing a skeleton on the beach]
All those in favor of getting back in the boat, say aye.
Aye!
Tulio Aye!
[Altivo snorts]
Tulio Apparently El Dorado is native for... great big ROCK!
Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and…
Tulio And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
Tulio [sighs]
Well, it was nice working with you, partner.
Tulio, I just want you to know... I'm sorry about that girl in Barcelona.
Tulio Sor-- you-- you…
Tulio Miguel and Tulio!
Tulio and Miguel!
Together
Mighty and powerful gods!
Hello.
[both squeal]
Tulio Back mortal, before we strike you with a lightning bolt!
Oh, then I suppose you'll be wanting these back? [produces Tulio's dice in her hand]
Tulio [pats pockets, shocked]
Hey... how'd you get those?
Tulio The little voice, remember? Remember the little voice? Well, just for a moment, imagine that you have one. Now, what would it be saying about Chel?
Uuuuum... [purrs]
Tulio Hey, Chel, what's going on?
It's not gonna be good.
Tulio Thank you.
Tulio [Tzekel-Kan starts to perform a human sacrifice.]
Stop! This is not a proper tribute!
[Miguel rescues the intended victim and drags him to safety.]
You do not want the tribute?
No no, we want tribute. It's just that, um... Tulio, tell him.
Tulio The stars are not in position for this tribute!
Like he said! Stars! … Can't do it… Not today.
You worry too much.
Tulio No, I worry exactly the right amount. You can never worry too much!
Go ahead. I'll cover for you.
Oh, yeah, thanks. So, what happened to Altivo? [He ducks out of sight.]
I dunno.
Tulio [Approaching]
Hey, what happened to Miguel?
I dunno.
Tulio Oh my God, he's gone! He's loose! What am I gonna do?!
Tulio I'm not really sure I trust you.
Mmm… I'm not really asking you to trust me, am I?
Tulio Hmm… 'kay.
The High Priest? What's he gonna think if he finds one of the gods like this with me?
Tulio Uh, "Lucky God"?
The history of the age of the Jaguar will be written in...
Tulio Ink?
Blood!
Tulio What… do you think… you are doing?
Well don't blame me!
Tulio I BLAME YOU!
We need a miracle.
Tulio No, we need to cheat!
Tulio No? Who are you kidding? You're buying your own con!
At least I'm not dating mine!
Tulio I-- Ooh, low blow.
Tulio Hmm. [scratches the stone] Miguel. Miguel, wake up. We're there. Oh, yeah. We found it. We found it?
Oh! Fantastic! Where is it? How far?
Tulio Right here!
Where?
Tulio Here.
Behind the rock?
Tulio No, no. This is it.
Tulio Apparently, "El Dorado" is native for... "Great... Big... ROCK!" [silence, as "ROCK!" echoes] Hey, but I tell you what. I'm feeling generous, so you can have my share!
Tulio, you don't think, Cortes could've gotten here before us and, and-
Tulio And what? Taken all the really big rocks? The scoundrel!
Tulio, you... We have to think about this. We've come all this way, and we should really, you know...
Tulio Get on the horse!
Tulio [Miguel sighs]
No, no, no, not with the face. [picks Miguel up] Stop. [clears throat] Looks like there's a pass right over there.
Miguel and Tulio
[A woman she named Chel. She runs up to hold bag of gold? A Tulio and Miguel, bumping to Altivo, then Altivo walks backwards, then the guards run up, then they gasp]
Hyah!
Tulio [the guards stop by Tulio and Miguel, then Altivo snorts, then Chel throws a rock to Tulio, then Tulio throws a rock to Chel, then throwing the rock back and forth] [chuckling]
I've... [the rock hits Tulio]
Tulio Uh, hello. Is this your rock? Sorry. We were just looking. We're, uh... We're tourists! Tourist. [clears throat] We lost our group. May we go now?
Tulio [Acolyte points at Tulio, gasping] [chuckling]
Spears.
[Acolyte points the spear, then the guards follow by Acolyte, the Bibo looks at the stone, then the guard takes the rock to Chel]
Hey! Hey!
[Bibo looks at the guards, looking at the guards, then Acolyte walks in the waterfall, then they walk in the cave, then they get off of Altivo, then they walk in the boat, then Chel sits in the boat, then Miguel whistles, then the rocks fall down, then they look at the vines, gasping, then they all look at the light, gasping]
Oh, my... It's... It's...
Men
[whispering]
El Dorado.
[the boats continue riding down, with butterflies flying up, then Miguel looks at the fish, then Altivo puts a tail in the boat, then a boy walking with a woman with a pot, dropping it, then Bibo swims in a backstroke, then the boat arrives at the building, with a man running in the building, then cut to Chief, with a man whispering at Chief, then Acolyte walks in a building by Tzekel-Kan, chanting, then Acolyte whispers to Tzekel-Kan, pushing Acolyte, then cut back to Tulio and Miguel, walking up to the building]
Tulio ["It's Tough to Be a God" begins]
♪I hardly think I'm qualified. To come across all sanctified. I just don't cut it with the cherubim.♪
[the baby bites Tulio's finger]
Tulio, what are you talking about? ♪There again, they're on their knees. Being worshipped is a breeze. Which rather suits us in. The interim.♪
Tulio ♪Interim, interim, it's me and him.♪ Oh, my God!
All
♪It's tough to be a god!♪
Tulio ♪Tread where mortals have not trod. Be deified when really you're a sham!♪
Tulio [Altivo bites the fruit]
♪Be an object of devotion, be the subject of psalms!♪
♪It's a rather touching notion! All those prayers and those salaams!♪
Tulio ♪And who am I to bridle? If I'm forced to be an idol? If they say that I'm a god. That's what I am! What's more if we don't comply, with the locals' wishes, I can see us being sacrificed. Or stuffed.♪
You have a point there. Very good thinking. ♪So let's be gods! The perks are great!♪
Tulio Yeah!
♪El Dorado on our plates.♪
Tulio Thank you.
♪Local feelings should not be rebuffed.♪
Tulio ♪Never rebuffed. I never rebuff a local feeling. No, my friend.♪
All
♪It's tough to be a god! But if you get the people's nod! Count your blessings! Yeah, keep 'em sweet! That's our advice!♪
It's great advice!
All
♪Be a symbol of perfection! Be a legend, be a cult! Take their praise, take a collection! As the multitudes exalt!♪
♪Don a supernatural habit!♪
Tulio ♪We'd be crazy not to grab it!♪
You got it!
All
♪So sign on two new gods for paradise! Paradise!♪
[they both tap their cups, then Chief dances with the group, then Altivo dances, laying down on the ground, fade to black]
Tulio [cut back to El Dorado]
Ai-ai-ai.
♪Tons of gold for you, hah!♪
Tulio ♪And tons of gold for me, hoo!♪
Miguel and Tulio
♪And tons of gold for we, ah!♪
Tulio Not bad for a day's work, eh?
Not bad at all.
Tulio Yeah. We just became richer than the king of Spain. [laughing]
You know, speaking of kings, the chief and the high priest seem a bit, uh, tense.
Tulio Buenos Dias! Listen, all we have to do is keep playing the one against the other. You know, do a little god dance, chant some mystic mumbo jumbo, dazzle 'em with some smoke and mirrors and then get the hell back to Spain.
Um, Tulio, how are we gonna get all this back to Spain?
Tulio Ummm...
A boat?
Tulio Yeah.
Um, we really hate to be ascending so soon, but, uh, some urgent business has come up, family matters, you know, and it's just a bit...
Tulio Yeah, family.
Badda-bing, budda-boom, you know what I mean?
Oh, we expected you to be staying with us for the next thousand years.
Tulio Well, as we say in the spirit world, there's your plan and then, there's the gods' plan.
Mm-hmm.
Tulio And our plan, uh, calls for a boat, 'cause we're gonna ascend kind of in a horizontal pattern at first.
Tulio [Miguel chuckles]
And then we're gonna go vertical, uh, as we get further out to sea.
Hmm. To build a boat large and glorious enough, would take about a week.
Tulio A week? Hmm.
Um...
Tulio Uh, I wonder how long it would take Tzekel-Kan to do it.
But for the gods, uh, three days.
Tulio Uh...
Well, if that's the best you can do.
Oh, perhaps if you were not burdened with so much tribute, you could leave sooner.
Hmm?
Tulio Hmm? I like it here. Miguel?
Yep, yep. Three days is just fine.
[Chel and Tulio kiss heavily off-screen.]
My Lords? [Chel stops kissing Tulio and sits up in horror. Tulio comes up, and his hair and face are messed up.] Hello?
Tulio Ow!
Tulio [dazed]
Uh, "Lucky God"?
J-Just- just- just... [frustratedly fixes Tulio's hair] Ohh!
Hello? [Chel kicks Tulio toward Tzekel-Kan]
Tulio Whoa! Oh, Tzekel-Kan! What brings you here?
I humbly request to have an audience with you, my lord.
Tulio Lord, yes. What can I do for you?
My Lord, I have just seen Lord Miguel out among the people.
Tulio Really?
If I may be so bold as to offer some advice?
Tulio [Chel signals Tulio to cut Tzekel-Kan off] [misreads Chel's signal]
All right, shoot.
[Chel facepalms and groans in frustration. Tzekel-Kan fails to notice this]
My Lord, you are perfect.
Tulio Oh. Well, go on.
But in your perfection, you cannot know how imperfect humans are. [begins to conjure menacing images] They're like snakes, they are, spineless and slippery. They are as untrustworthy as rats, stealing and cheating, with no remorse. [takes a bite out of a conjured pear then spits it out] Spinning webs of lies, like spiders! [crushes a conjured spider in his hand]
Tulio [grossed out]
Stop it! That's disgusting!
Tulio Yeah, yeah! Way beyond!
Then we're in agreement, I shall think the proper preparations. Now, do you wish to have your victims bound to altar, or would you prefer them free range? And will you devour their essence whole, or piece-by-piece?
Tulio [pauses]
Tzekel, you've lost me.
My Lord, these people will not respect if they do not fear you.
Tulio And, of course, we will make them fear us, by, uh--
By sacrifice! As it is prophesied, the history of the Age of the Jaguar will be written in--
Tulio Ink?
Blood!
Tulio Blood! Oh! Oh, yes. This is very important stuff. I should tell Lord Miguel about this blood issue right away. [to Chel] Come on, honey. Let's go.
Tulio [the man uses an ax to chop a log, then they continue chopping a log to build a boat, chopping a stone, then Miguel looks at the stone]
Adios, muchacho! [holds a flower to Chel, then the birds fly away]
[the man chops a hoof on Altivo, putting flowers on Altivo]
Tulio [off-screen]
Half?
Mm-hmm.
Tulio [laughing]
I don't think so. I... I'll tell you what. Uh, I'll let you come back to Spain with us, like you wanted, and, um, yeah, I can see my way clear to throwing you, mmm, ten percent?
Tulio Ohh! Like you don't wanna go to Spain.
Oh, like you don't want me to want to go to Spain.
Tulio I want you to want...
Mm-hmm?
Tulio ...what you want.
Mm-hmm. Go on.
Tulio All right. Cards on the table. Uh, I want you to come to Spain with me and Miguel. Mostly me. Especially me. Only me. Forget Miguel.
Well, as long as that's what you want. Me too.
Tulio Okay. Deal?
[Altivo walks to Miguel, gasping]
"Forget Miguel"? [sniffling] Well, forget Tulio. [walks down by Altivo]
[Altivo walks down by Miguel]
Tulio [cut back to Tulio and Miguel] [chuckling]
That was good, huh?
Tulio [Miguel climbs up to the top, then the men cheer] [climbs up]
Hey, a little help, please?
Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! I've decided to stay.
Oh, this is wonderful news. What a glorious day for El Dorado. Lord Miguel has decided to live among us!
Tulio! Is everything okay?
Tulio [they look at Miguel]
Everything is fine.
[cut to El Dorado, then the music begins "Friends Never Say Goodbye" by Elton John playing, looking around, walking by Miguel, putting gold in the bag, looking at the map, ripping it, then Miguel looks at a name, saying, "Tulio", knocking the statue, then tying the bag, hitting Miguel, carrying a bag, the Miguel puts a hat on, wrapping a blanket around him, then Miguel continues walking away, then Miguel walks by Tulio, then Tulio walks down, then Miguel walks down, then walking to Chief, then they laugh, then Chief hugs Tulio, then Chief shakes his hand, then Tulio walks away, then Miguel looks at Chel, then Chel kisses Miguel, then Tulio claps his hands]
Man
Take care.
Child
We'll miss you!
Tulio Thank you.
[Altivo nickers at Tulio, licking his fingers, then shaking it off, licking Tulio, then Chel pushes Tulio, then Chief and Miguel walk up, then Tulio dries his hair, then Chel walks away by Tulio, then Chel walks to a boat, then Miguel walks to Tulio]
Well, good luck.
Tulio Yeah. You too. [walks to Chel, then they climb up]
[Miguel walks away by Altivo, then Altivo looks at Miguel walking away]
Whoa. Whoa, boy, what is it? [Altivo nickers, then they hear explosions, looking at Miguel along with Chel and Tulio]
Cortes.
Man
[panicked]
Chief Tanni! Chief Tanni! Approaching the city, is an army of strangers.
We are safe here. They'll never find the gate to the city.
Man
But, sire, they are being led by Tzekel-Kan.
Then how can we stop them?
We can't.
Tulio [looks in the cave]
Uh, one moment, please. [moves the gold away]
Tulio [Bibo drinks] [takes the necklace out]
Okay, here's the gate. Here's the boat.
Uh-huh. And?
Tulio Here's the gate.
Okay.
Tulio Here's the boat.
Got that. And?
Tulio Well, here's the "goat," and here's the "bate."
Tulio!
Tulio [Tulio his Bibo, who stops drinking his cup, spilling water out, knocking the necklace] [gasping]
That's it. We'll crash the boat into the pillars.
That's it? I mean... But... [scoffs] What about the gold?
Tulio Well... [sobbing, in a whinny voice] Chief! [clears throat, in a normal voice] Chief. I've got a plan.
Cortes
[cut to Crotes and the guards, and Tzekel-Kan]
It better be there, for your sake.
Tulio [Tulio rows a boat, then Chel shakes her head, looking at Miguel]
Okay, chief, on my signal! Ready! HIT THE PILLARS!
NOW!
Tulio [the man uses a log to push and break the whole rocks, then Tulio looks at the whole rocks breaking]
They're breaking too fast!
Tulio, the sail!
Tulio [tires to pull the rope down]
It's stuck!
[the men try to pull a statue, breaking the ropes, then they both shout, then Chief gasps, grabbing the ropes]
They're not gonna make it. Altivo! [jumps on Altivo, running to the boat]
Tulio Are you crazy?
Tulio [Miguel and Altivo jump on the boat in slow motion, then they continue pulling, then flying in slow motion, grabbing the sail]
Get off the boat, Miguel, or you'll never see the city again.
I know. [takes the hat off] You don't think I'm gonna let you have all the fun, do you? Come on. We've got a wave to catch. [grabs a paddle to Tulio, pointing to Chief]
Tulio [they all release the statue, then Miguel yells, then Chel whimpers, then grabbing a lever]
Get out of the way!
Huh?
Huh?
Tulio [they all go in the cave, breaking the sail, then knocking the gold on the walls]
We're gonna have to hit it BROADSIDE!
THAT'S YOUR PLAN? But the gold!
Tulio I know!
Tulio [Chel gasps]
JUST TURN THE BOAT!
Tulio [they all turn the boat]
On impact, EVERYBODY JUMP!
Tulio [the boat stops on a wall, then they all jump out of the boat, then they splash in the water, with rocks falling in the water, with waterfall spitting out, then they all cough] [panting]
We made it. It worked. [chuckling] It worked.
Wait. Get down! [grabs Tulio] There they are. [they all look at Cortes and Tzekel-Kan]
Cortes
[walks to Tzekel-Kan]
You lying heathen. There's nothing here at all.
No. Wait. Wait.
Cortes
[pushes Tzekel-Kan]
Men, seize him!
WHAT? [the men grab Tzekel-Kan]
Cortes
There is no El Dorado here. Onward, men. [the guards continues takes Tzekel-Kan away, gasps, then Chel waves]
[they all look at the guards taking Tzekel-Kan away, then Altivo blows, then they all laugh]
Yes!
Now that was an adventure.
Tulio Yes. Yes, it was. And, um... [sobbing] ...it was so much gold!
Tulio [Altivo looks at the gold on the hooves]
I'm fine.
Tulio Partner.
But, uh, we don't have a map.
Tulio We don't have a plan.
Well, that's what makes it interesting. [Altivo nods in agreement]
Tulio [getting the idea]
You're right!
What are we waiting for? [Miguel and Tulio go on Altivo]
Let's follow that trail! Hyah! [Miguel and Tulio fall off Altivo] Come on, boys!
Tulio [he and Miguel chase Chel and Altivo]
Hey! Altivo! [Miguel pushes him] Augh!
Sit, boy! Sit! [the screen puts up "The End"]
Tulio [gets back up.]
Chel, we're not on the horse! [they both run to get Altivo as Chel laughs; as the end credits begin, the armadillo chases some butterflies and grabs and eats one, ending the movie and continues the end credits]
